Still here.

See my husband's comment on the previous post.

My nephew did well with his surgery, and is doing well now.

I apologize for taking so long to update on him, and for any extra worry about him, or me, for the long break.

I thank those who inquired about me; it means alot to me that you care, and it pained me that I didn't reply back. It still does.

It also pains me that my perceptions of the three writers behind Shrink Rap, whom I think of as casual blogfriends after several years of banter back and forth at their blog, seem to have not seen nor understood when I posted in their comments that I was . . . . coming to a conclusion that they thought I was too . . . . nuts or too . . . well that that they judged me too . . . SOMETHING . . . to associate with. I was hurt, deeply by that, and guess that a couple years of interacting back and forth (as blog people, not as professionals on anyone's part in ANY way), perhaps meant less to them than it did to myself, and that hurt. I attempted to resolve what might have been a misunderstanding on my part, as best I could, by approaching the subject as . . . . strongly as I could, which may not have been strong enough, but . . . . there were other things I was also going through as well. They also might be the way I was perceiving them to be because I was, well, swinging wildly for awhile there and said something inappropriate on one of their birthdays . . . . I don't know if it's because of that or not. See how I try to justify it though? I did apologize, although it's been deleted now. That, and other comments, as I go back and try to delete my presence there out of embarrassment, since I don't know how to handle the unknown.

Besides, rejection and I are, er, well, we don't get along so well, lol, ha! Actually, it's more because the last two years have felt like a series of betrayals, both by people and now by my body at its most basic, fundamental level, the genetic level, so, that is another factor, too. That's alot to load on to an internet relationship that's just a casual blog thing anyway. Then again, alot of my relationships tend to be loaded these days, but like I say, the last several years have been/or have felt like a series of betrayals . . . . .

There have been some pretty "big" things happen to support that, some of which neither of my families have any idea about. Life hurts, that's the way it goes. Yeah, I can accept that, because I must.

Then there's my hurt over this blog, and my feeling that it can never be my own place ever again, that it can't be what I set out for it to be, and that's been another reason, a BIG one, for the long break. It's been a big hurt, too.

I can't be myself with either my family of birth, or the family I married into. That may hurt both of them, but that's a fact. I have to protect my insides or I'll fall to pieces and never get up again . . . . because it hurts too much, even when I AM protecting myself. Even when I open up a LITTLE, and protect the rest, it still hurts really bad. I don't know why either. That's just how I am. I dunno if I should even say this paragraph, but . . . it's a big reason why I've been gone, and not blogged. It's a blunt, and sharp, at the same time, truth. And perhaps more open about me than I want them to know . . . . but . . . . if one really looked at me, if one really tried to get to know me, you'd see that I was afraid anyway.

Judgement and Blame and Hurt. Perhaps there will be, perhaps there won't be. I don't know.

There's also a reckless part of me that says WAY more than I should even to people I don't trust, or let me say, to people I'm wary of with my emotions. That last would definitely apply to family, because there's so many emotions involved - it's one reason I keep closed up, because I must, or my level of functionality would go down . . . . sincerity is important, though, even if this last seems like a HUGE non sequitur.

There ya go.

A big, mixed up ball of Sara-ness. Have a nice day.