Almost 37-year streak of no accidental broken bones, broken . . .

And you KNOW if I'm gonna do something, it's gotta be in a funky way.

Foot vs. Toolbox, Toolbox wins. Dec. 26, 2008, so at least it was before we ticked back over to having to pay out of pocket again for awhile . . . .

I saw the whole thing in slow-mo. If you're squeamish, don't read further.

I kept thinking, "It's just a TOE, it's not like they can do much ANYWAY . . . ." so I elevated it and such and stayed in bed except for necessities. The next day though, 24 hours later, hubby at work, it just became clear, even tho it's just a toe, I reluctantly decided I'd better go in, because, as I say, when it happened, I saw it in slow-mo, and it kept replaying . . . . like this:

I was rushing out of the bedroom to answer the phone or something, and the front right third corner and side of my right foot bashed into the Red Handy Toolbox of Doom. It caught on the second to smallest toe, snapping it 90 degrees to the left of the rest of the toes and foot, or maybe 100 degrees, and then as I guess the muscles, tendons, ligaments, whatever helped try to spring it back, the bashing was still in progress and the toe did crumpled as it was coming back to a normal orientation and folded completely under my foot.

Still, I kept telling myself it's just a toe . . . and besides, one bashes toes all the time, so after the initial injury I elevated and gave it some time, to see how it'd feel later. Although later I gently probed the base, because in my head, after what I saw, I knew I had snapped the toe "off" at the base, and "things" moved there. Ewwww. In a way far distant in my head it was fascinating; it was also shocking, as well as a . . . . novel experience . . . . I suppose you could say. I believe I was in shock, "just a toe, or no". I was freaked, and dared not "gently" probe further up the toe at all, although I suspected a further break, farther up, given the replay I kept seeing in my head.

See, I'm not this obsessed with my toe. What I AM worried about, and WAS worried about, was the bother to others, over "just a toe", and of course people say, and did, well there's not much they can really do for a broken toe anyway, they just splint it to a neighbor toe, etc.

I "had" to "explain" to such people, that this was a . . . . funky kind of break . . . . at least, I THOUGHT it was, myself anyway. I mean, who snaps their toe like that 90 degrees or more to one side? Let alone the rest of it, not that I was seeking more attention, or justification really, but . . . . since I DO have anxiety disorders, I didn't want my getting treated for my toe, seeking treatment for it, and worrying about it, to be seen as just part of my mental illnesses, I guess. I didn't want to be dismissed . . .

Also, I'd never broken a bone before; well, as I say in the title, never ACCIDENTALLY. I've had jaw surgery, after some years of braces, with the surgery as the purposeful end point of those braces (at least, with the final orthodontist who knew what he was doing, anyway, he took a look and KNEW my jaws were WAY well I'll show some sketches, and pics, some other time. 9 out of 10 on difficulty scale, the surgery was . . .). They had to break both jaws for that.

So, not having broken anything before, I was also very unsure that way too. Especially with the "everyone knows it's 'just a toe' factor". That's kinda how it is in society, about broken toes anyway.

Then, I felt guilty that I hadn't decided earlier in the day when my husband had been home, but I wasn't as sure then . . . . I mean, sometimes it takes time to, inside . . . come to the decision that you need to see the doc for something, you know? But the fact that I had to bother someone, even now that brings me almost to tears . . . I guess I'm afraid of being judged.

Maybe the most, by myself. Secondly, by the person who helped me . . . thirdly, by my husband . . . . . Fourthly . . . . . I don't know . . . .

They x-ray'ed it and told me it was broken; oh, I also got the hippie woman doc at the Instacare, the lady I HATE, but oh well . . . . I hadn't seen her there in awhile, and had hoped she was gone . . . . she had thought something had fallen on the foot, and late in the appointment she told me that, and I told her some of what happened but she didn't seem to give me much time to say, and didn't seem to listen much and I felt it important that the HOW of the injury was important . . . . I mean, the toe snapping to the left like that was much different than something dropping on it and having a crush-type injury, I thought.

They gently splinted/wrapped it to the third from the smallest toe, and "gave" as they put it (ha, lol) me a special shoe (had to size me up to a men's medium, my toes hung slightly over the biggest woman's size they had; my arch length is long. It's a bit wide, even when velcro'd tight, but with thick wool socks on it works nicely, and those socks work nicely when out in the elements.

I'm supposed to wear the special shoe for a month. About 12 days post-injury the splint slipped off, partly because of the work around shower earlier in the day I guess and other things, and I hadn't noticed, and the injury became aggravated, and later in the day all of a sudden, BAM I feel the worst pain I've ever felt in my LIFE, including childbirth, all the back spasms I had in the couple years after that, and stuff . . . . . this pain felt . . . . the only word I could think to describe it was . . . . METALLIC. NOT like there was metal in there, or metal on metal, or metal on bone, or like i was feeling bones or anything, but the pain was INCREDIBLE and TERRIFIC (in the bad sense of the word), and it was METALLIC. I've never felt pain with that aspect or descriptor or quality to it before . . . . My husband when he got home from work gently re-splinted my toes (thank goodness for a first aid kit stocked w/medical tape and such) and, for this night, I put the shoe on to wear in bed; usually I took it off for bed. I didn't sleep though. Not possible.

Anyway, if you've endured this post, Hallelujah. Oh, and I'm feeling much better, been GINGERLY SLIGHTLY waving that area around a bit the list 6 days as I could feel things getting tight, and I know that's not good. Not tight anymore. Connection of the toe to the, what is it the metatarsal bone the toe connects to? feels weak, but it's there . . . . afraid that my being "careful" with the foot in coming months may get more "it's just a toe" stuff from people", but like when I folded my one foot completely under and in half, under itself, with some force, and severely injured it and that one ankle, it was QUITE some time before it ever felt close to being itself again.

I need to quit worrying what other people think . . . . but hey, that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. Rofl. Anxiety Disorders Suck. Agoraphobia Sucks. Panic Disorder Sucks. Can I just say that right now, k? Maybe I'll go beat on a pillow, or bash some MOBS (that's the enemies, animals, etc.) in a computer game, or something . . . .

I joke that the toolbox is really one of those MOBS, one of those games has what's called a Strongbox Deceiver. Looks like a Chest, or a Footlocker, until you try to open it . . . . then BAM it attacks you, heh. So that's some of humor I've used in this situation . . . .

Sorry for the graphic play by play on the injury, and the extensive post. As you can see, though, I showed how my mental health issues affected the situation, somewhat. Besides, this blog is also about my life, besides trying to show what life is like and hopefully foster greater understanding of issues involving mental health, mental illness, and such, by doing so about my own life.

So it's not all Mental Health stuff, all the time.

Fun Linky, for you Linux geeks, especially if you have a crafter relative or craft yourselves: Free-Penguin.org Because, you know, this quote just pulled me in:

"The starting point of this project was the question: "Why is it that on the one hand in the Linux® world all code of software is freely available and on the other hand the code to compile a soft toy penguin is still not open source?"