I don't want the kind of hits I'd get if I titled the post something else, so I borrowed Shrink Rap's duck for a few. I don't think they mind . . .
Anyway, perhaps more later, if I haven't lost MY mind first.
Tomorrow's schedule is looking a bit nuts.
8:00 am - psychologist (technically today he is still on vacation, but given the circumstances, he called me back and even would have seen me today but our answering machine light didn't show the new msg so by the time I got his later call it was too late to be seen today - because of extenuating circumstances he was more than willing to get me in as soon as we could. Weds. I'd be groggy and less than 24 hrs since surgery, probably too soon, because here's the next part of the schedule -
8:50-9:00 Finish appt. (Sometimes he gives the extra time, highly likely this time given situation.)
9-10 am run a few last minute errands perhaps, drop state taxes off in the mail (that I'm finishing up in a few minutes from now {today/Monday}, although of course I'll be e-filing the federal}, because I've been afraid to address the stupid out of the normal back pay SSI stuff, broken down into three separate years which I finally have the information regarding the individual amounts by year, received recently.
11:30 - Show up to Ortho Surgical Center (Hopefully be in surgery by 12:30? Not sure how long before I am?)
Not sure what happens next, besides the pain part.
Weds. my parents are up to help, as my hubby has to work. Tues my MIL is there waiting with my hubby as they operate, also one of the two can get dd from school . . . . . Yay for family!!!!
Thursday I have a psychiatrist appointment. That's gonna be fun. More pain. In the knee, I mean, if I wasn't clear.
Lots of appointments! And lots of stuff all at once. I may have more later, maybe.
Making lots o'calls today. Besides thank goodness for family, thank goodness for an empathetic psychologist, who is willing to work with me in an unusual situation at the end of his vacation to get me seen, especially with a lot of potentials for panic attacks ramping up that I've been fighting (have some things/strategies and plans in place and activities and other stuff I might talk about later today, or some other time, about what I have thought through and planned to help fight that panic as I sit there at the clinic, waiting, etc., . . . . hopefully these helps will be helpful!!!!)
TTFN, Perhaps Later.
If I don't "see" you guys again though until after my knee thing, wish me luck (yeah, it's only an arthroscopy, but to me I have this maze of fears and all sorts of things I have to fight and plan out and fight and figure out if I can handle and stuff . . . it's not JUST a routine thing, for me . . . . it's a whole host of a bunch of things I have to deal with, for me. A whole bunch of battles, that I have to face and fight and march through, and fight, and and and etc.
See ya!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Pressure and I, Well, We're Like Matter & AntiMatter . . . .
Put me together with alot of pressure and something is gonna explode, some way, somewhere. I'm not saying that in a way of, oh, it's just gonna happen, I can't help it, but in a, I've fought my whole life, and I REALLY FIGHT HARD when I'm under pressure, but hell when everything's falling to pieces um I'm kinda doing alot trying to grab hold of things already starting to shoot off in different directions already . . . . . dunno if I can keep the lid on, guess we'll see.
Anyway, more tomorrow.
You may not know, but I have an arthroscopy on Tuesday. Not sure what time yet, he does his shoulders (as they put it) first, I'll find out tomorrow what time, and tomorrow we'll work thru about specifics on which of my meds to maybe take and not take (cause, um one of my morning meds is a stimulant, that's not so good for general anesthesia, I'd bet . . . . lol).
Arthroscopy may not sound like much to many of you, but it's alot to me, especially considering what the likely next step will be, etc, although I'm not sure as to the timeline of that "next" step.
Anyway, more tomorrow, lots to do.
LOTS of pressure. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. I don't do pressure. I try with all my being. EVERY time. Despite the I don't do pressure thing, I still throw mywhole self at it, because that's what I do, and still I . . . well that leads nowhere good, so I'll stop. For now. Psychologically, I'm not in a good place, and I haven't seen the psychologist last week, he was on vacation, and the week before that I hadn't been scheduled for this surgery yet, and now it's scheduled right for when we'd usually meet . . . . so that's all screwed up too . . . (he's very understanding tho, I've left him a message.)
Hopefully I can see him later in the week; I already have a psychiatrist appt. for two days after surgery, that I had long before I knew I'd be having outpatient surgery. The ortho people said it's fine to go out and stuff by then so that's good (except the pain part.)
Ok, ramble over, see ya tomorrow. I'm having a tough time, think, pray, whatever of, about me, whatever, cross fingers, k? I'd appreciate it.
p.s. my word verify is poovil(dh) ha
Anyway, more tomorrow.
You may not know, but I have an arthroscopy on Tuesday. Not sure what time yet, he does his shoulders (as they put it) first, I'll find out tomorrow what time, and tomorrow we'll work thru about specifics on which of my meds to maybe take and not take (cause, um one of my morning meds is a stimulant, that's not so good for general anesthesia, I'd bet . . . . lol).
Arthroscopy may not sound like much to many of you, but it's alot to me, especially considering what the likely next step will be, etc, although I'm not sure as to the timeline of that "next" step.
Anyway, more tomorrow, lots to do.
LOTS of pressure. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. I don't do pressure. I try with all my being. EVERY time. Despite the I don't do pressure thing, I still throw mywhole self at it, because that's what I do, and still I . . . well that leads nowhere good, so I'll stop. For now. Psychologically, I'm not in a good place, and I haven't seen the psychologist last week, he was on vacation, and the week before that I hadn't been scheduled for this surgery yet, and now it's scheduled right for when we'd usually meet . . . . so that's all screwed up too . . . (he's very understanding tho, I've left him a message.)
Hopefully I can see him later in the week; I already have a psychiatrist appt. for two days after surgery, that I had long before I knew I'd be having outpatient surgery. The ortho people said it's fine to go out and stuff by then so that's good (except the pain part.)
Ok, ramble over, see ya tomorrow. I'm having a tough time, think, pray, whatever of, about me, whatever, cross fingers, k? I'd appreciate it.
p.s. my word verify is poovil(dh) ha
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
An Approximation of What My Psychiatrist Looks Like
I was browsing through Flickr one day, when I happened upon this fine photo of some "dressed up" gasoline pumps.
Amusing, colorful, bright, and fun, I thought, for such usually mundane objects.
I do not mean any of this to imply that my psychiatrist is gassy, nor full of hot air, although he does tend to go on and on . . . .but that isn't why this photo reminded me of him.
The more prominent gasoline pump, the masculine one, if you will - the one on the left, in the foreground - a closer representation of my psychiatrist in gas station pumpery I daresay you will never find.
Save for the fact that this particular pump is represented in what appears to be a, perhaps, 70's style "leisure suit", which my psychiatrist has not been seen to wear in my presence (I do not think any clothing that even involves the word "suit" has passed his way in quite some time, but then again, I only see him at his office, so how do I know!), it represents him rather well . . . . .
He's kinda hippie-ish, although he doesn't exactly dress like a hippie. His hair kinda fits that, hippie-ish thing, though.
Anyway, if you wanted to know what my psychiatrist looks like, there you go.
Amusing, colorful, bright, and fun, I thought, for such usually mundane objects.
I do not mean any of this to imply that my psychiatrist is gassy, nor full of hot air, although he does tend to go on and on . . . .but that isn't why this photo reminded me of him.
The more prominent gasoline pump, the masculine one, if you will - the one on the left, in the foreground - a closer representation of my psychiatrist in gas station pumpery I daresay you will never find.
Save for the fact that this particular pump is represented in what appears to be a, perhaps, 70's style "leisure suit", which my psychiatrist has not been seen to wear in my presence (I do not think any clothing that even involves the word "suit" has passed his way in quite some time, but then again, I only see him at his office, so how do I know!), it represents him rather well . . . . .
He's kinda hippie-ish, although he doesn't exactly dress like a hippie. His hair kinda fits that, hippie-ish thing, though.
Anyway, if you wanted to know what my psychiatrist looks like, there you go.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Some Lawyers Really SUCK (Sorry Stephen!), and SS Disability Stuff
So, today I finally get around to doing something I've been procrastinating - calling my "good 'ole" disability lawyer's office.
Why, you may be thinking, would I need to call them?
Well, as I've been working on my taxes (this is the latest by far, for as long as I can remember, that we've done our taxes - we usually do them in late January or the first few days of February!
The awarding of SSI, including back pay covering the years 2003 through 2006 (since the regular monthly payments started at the beginning of last year) being paid in two different lump sum installments last year kind of complicates our taxes a bit. I had thought perhaps Social Security would send us some kind of a statement, like my parents get, but they didn't.
So, I thought to call the disability lawyer's office, figuring that if they didn't know how much of the back pay was for each of the "back" years, then they could at least direct me to the appropriate person or sub-department at the local level Social Security offices that they deal with all the time, that have the people who handle the cases like mine on an ongoing basis who could help me with this information.
Apparently, about a month after the Judge made his decision, there was a mailing that was very detailed (yep, aLOT of legalese, and I DID read through it, although I had to take breaks every half-page or so, despite it's being double-spaced, or my head would have exploded, lol!). I knew it was, and would be, VERY important for me to understand what was being said, and what it would mean for me, and what it MEANT.
I do not recall any list or break-down of how the back-pay sum(s) (there were two, one to be paid very early in 2007, the other, later in the year) were made up of the SSI they owed me and were now paying me, from '03, '04, '05, and '06. I did not see any amounts shown by year, like that - just the two back-pay amount installments that were to be paid at two different points in 2007, covering the SSI payments from 2003 through 2006.
Now, reporting these amounts broken out by year shouldn't affect my old taxes, because there's a threshold at which the SSI doesn't get taxed at all, and I'm pretty well certain that it's such a pitiful amount, especially with our very low income, that there's no way it'd be taxed. Then again, when you get into the years when we started getting the EIC . . . who knows. I DO know though, that STILL there is that THRESHOLD that must be gone over first before the social security starts getting taxed, at anywhere from 20% of the amount of it being able to be taxed, to up to 80% of it being able to be taxed.
Anyway, that's a side trip that's not really the point at the moment.
The point is, I called the disability lawyer's office. Over the course of time, especially in the last 6-8 months, I've come to the conclusion that I was not competent to make the decision that I was asked to make at the hearing, that I was under alot of pressure to make, and, (pardon the language here mom, but it fits) as a quote from a movie that fits particularly well here, for anyone who's seen "How to Lose a Man in 10 Days", I Call Bullshit when he says there was no pressure from him. Oh HELL yeah there was, it may have been couched in legalese and with disclaimers of we can go forward and make appeals and of course I am at your service and we don't have to give up your right to appeal and yada yada xyz, (of course, I do understand it's his job to lay things out, and lay things out like, as things stand, with what the judge is saying and has just said, and what the expert has said and has decided, and what they said just now, the only way you will get any money right now would be SSI only, and that only, would be if you give up your right to any appeal, etc. I do understand he had to lay that out, it's his job. There's other stuff about how he was, and crap, that I believe was pressuring. Besides, he's got incentive to be; he doesn't get paid unless we win some sort of monetary award.)
Anyway, I made an OFFHAND remark about how I didn't feel like I was competent to have made that decision and HOO BOY does he go into CYA mode, and BAM the . . .what's the word (major aphasia problems the last few days, as my in-laws and hubby can attest), the word for that ironwork gate that can slam down in the front archway of a castle after you've come over the drawbridge that can be raised and lowered? Ugh, see how long it took to type that, and I STILL can't come up with the word!!!!
Oh, man, does he get so aggress and just start ATTACKING me like I'm some hostile witness on the stand, on Law and Order or something . . . I felt like I was pinned under a fusillade of arrows (see, I can come up with a word like fusillade!!! woot!!!)
I'm still very emotional about it, and crying now . . . geez. He was all like, no one adjudicated you incompentent to make that decision, I didn't adjudicate you incompentent to blah blah whatever . . . . (and I was sitting here stunned, on the other end of the phone . . . . there'd never been any question as to my compentence about going to the hearing or anything . . . of course, I've always known I don't do well under pressure, but this decision, that he asked the judge permission for to take us aside, outside of the formal hearing room for . . . . it was one of those do or die moments, it was one of those . . . um, DAMN HIGH PRESSURE things . . . There was ALOT of pressure, I reiterated to this LAWYER.
Anyway, eventually I said, look. I'm sitting here in alot of pain (because I was, and I am, my knees are killing me, they've almost collapsed under me in non-painful moments recently), there's been several deaths in the family, I've had a new, far-reaching unpleasant diagnosis, I'm NOT mad at you, in fact I think of you fondly (I don't know if that last one is a lie; sometimes my me-ness retreats into the back of my head and I'm not there anymore and the rest of me operates on automatic because I can't cope, I just can't . . .ok, here I go again, tearing up . . . damnit . . .) I just had to get him to stop. I also pictured him working up some paperwork JIC (just in case I should ever decide to sue him for malpractice or something, you could tell he was thinkin it, he was certainly attacking me!!! geez.)
Anyway, I then gave him a compliment of some sort, I can't remember what it was, but all of a sudden he went from this . . . picture a hairy bear of a monster, teeth and claws and impossibly wide tall open devouring mouth like a cavern open to devour and then transformed into a pleasant human being, southern gentleman charm, slight accent and all, like a switch had been flipped; the geniality, the friendliness and cordiality, . . . . . this, too, was jarring and creepy in it's own way, as to how suddenly it was there, although it was soothing as well and I think I kinda unretreated from the back of my head a bit (not sure that's the best description, but then again since I wasn't all there (um, that could probably lead to some jokes, lol) I'm not exactly sure how to describe it anyway.
Part of me understands, that since lawyers are trained in legal stuff, they naturally think defensively, but STILL. I wouldn't sue a fly! Geez. I don't hate the guy, and I think in large part it's the system that has built some incentive into for the disability laywers to have some incentive to act, perhaps unconsciously or not-so unconsciouly depending on the integrity of the lawyer (this one seems to have more than others I've seen advertised, at any rate) in their own interests to some degree - they do NOT get paid unless they win a monetary award of some kind, which, I think, may lead to some compromises that may not always be in the best interests of the client.
Whether or not the compromise in this case was in my best interests . . . . I don't know. I am not sure further appeals would have done any good, although I do know that both the judge and the expert flat-out IGNORED evidence from my family doctor that was BEFORE the dates that ended eligibility for full social security disability . . . . .
Anyway, it's in the past.
Hakuna Matata? That can be a good or a bad phrase, depending on how it's used, when, how, and why, I suppose. In the movie, not so good.
At least my behind, is in my past. Reverse that (channelling my inner Willy Wonka, and the word-mess-ups in this paragraph were all a-purpose, cause I needed some humor!)
Well, I guess this post also had some broader commentary on the Social Security disability application, hearing, adjudication, SSI, payment, and back-pay processes, as well as some more personal discussion of some of my experiences, which I've been meaning to discuss, anyway.
It also occurred to me, as I was typing, that I know it's probably wise to never say never in regards to reserving one's rights to further appeal in legal matters (or perhaps in regards to suing perhaps for the fact that I don't believe I was competent to be forced into making such an on-the-spot decision in such a pressured situation, which is exactly one of the things that sets off some of the mental health problems and disabilities of which they had just been browsing through in all their folders, ugh!!!) that my posting about this stuff could perhaps come back to bite me in the, er, proverbial behind (which is the past, hee hee), should I ever decide to pursue further appeals on the disability front . . . . but the process was so horrific, I can't foresee that.
It still might be unwise of me to post this, and I still feel that I was pressured, but I'm posting anyway.
What I'd like to happen the most out of this is that my experience be of some kind of help to others, whether in just reading about my struggles or in seeing a glimpse of the process, perhaps. I believe that this is far more likely to happen than a suit on the issue of competence or on the right to appeal.
As I say in the sidebar under Noodleheads regarding my friend Stephen of the blog Ethesis, he really does brighten up that whole Lawyer thing. There is hope in the legal world yet! They are not all people who can turn on you one second, and pull a bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers out of their sleeves the next.
The oddness of the call DID remind me of the inhuman jokes regarding lawyers that I'm assuming most people have heard, though. I guess lawyers need to perform in court, and being able to act, being able to turn different aspects of ones' self on and off, would probably be a handy trait to have, but geez, it was unnerving to be on the receiving end of, and I'm still MORE than unsettled by it!
The lawyer is sending me a copy of the paperwork that they say I have, that they say has the breakdown of the back-pay lump sums into year-by-year amounts, but they are sending me the paper anyway.
Yahoo!!!! I did what I've been putting off, and now it is done!
I phoned the knee doc and made an appointment, which is something I've been putting off as well.
Sorry to go on so long. Whew. I'm a bit emotionally wasted, perhaps I'll seek some online gaming out for relaxation . . . . . I'm PROUD AS HELL (sorry moms again . . .) that I came through that lawyer's barrage, even though I apparently checked out, during part of it. Gah, here come the tears! Ok, enough. Talk to you later, and yeah Stephen, I know you guys and gals in your profession aren't all like that.
Would you mind writing a guest post for me sometime? I'd be honored if you would! Your level of writing is just . . . . well, it's quite something, my friend.
*Note: I am not a lawyer, doctor, mental health practitioner or expert in any of those or any field referenced above or anything. Just a person with some troubles, blogging away.
Why, you may be thinking, would I need to call them?
Well, as I've been working on my taxes (this is the latest by far, for as long as I can remember, that we've done our taxes - we usually do them in late January or the first few days of February!
The awarding of SSI, including back pay covering the years 2003 through 2006 (since the regular monthly payments started at the beginning of last year) being paid in two different lump sum installments last year kind of complicates our taxes a bit. I had thought perhaps Social Security would send us some kind of a statement, like my parents get, but they didn't.
So, I thought to call the disability lawyer's office, figuring that if they didn't know how much of the back pay was for each of the "back" years, then they could at least direct me to the appropriate person or sub-department at the local level Social Security offices that they deal with all the time, that have the people who handle the cases like mine on an ongoing basis who could help me with this information.
Apparently, about a month after the Judge made his decision, there was a mailing that was very detailed (yep, aLOT of legalese, and I DID read through it, although I had to take breaks every half-page or so, despite it's being double-spaced, or my head would have exploded, lol!). I knew it was, and would be, VERY important for me to understand what was being said, and what it would mean for me, and what it MEANT.
I do not recall any list or break-down of how the back-pay sum(s) (there were two, one to be paid very early in 2007, the other, later in the year) were made up of the SSI they owed me and were now paying me, from '03, '04, '05, and '06. I did not see any amounts shown by year, like that - just the two back-pay amount installments that were to be paid at two different points in 2007, covering the SSI payments from 2003 through 2006.
Now, reporting these amounts broken out by year shouldn't affect my old taxes, because there's a threshold at which the SSI doesn't get taxed at all, and I'm pretty well certain that it's such a pitiful amount, especially with our very low income, that there's no way it'd be taxed. Then again, when you get into the years when we started getting the EIC . . . who knows. I DO know though, that STILL there is that THRESHOLD that must be gone over first before the social security starts getting taxed, at anywhere from 20% of the amount of it being able to be taxed, to up to 80% of it being able to be taxed.
Anyway, that's a side trip that's not really the point at the moment.
The point is, I called the disability lawyer's office. Over the course of time, especially in the last 6-8 months, I've come to the conclusion that I was not competent to make the decision that I was asked to make at the hearing, that I was under alot of pressure to make, and, (pardon the language here mom, but it fits) as a quote from a movie that fits particularly well here, for anyone who's seen "How to Lose a Man in 10 Days", I Call Bullshit when he says there was no pressure from him. Oh HELL yeah there was, it may have been couched in legalese and with disclaimers of we can go forward and make appeals and of course I am at your service and we don't have to give up your right to appeal and yada yada xyz, (of course, I do understand it's his job to lay things out, and lay things out like, as things stand, with what the judge is saying and has just said, and what the expert has said and has decided, and what they said just now, the only way you will get any money right now would be SSI only, and that only, would be if you give up your right to any appeal, etc. I do understand he had to lay that out, it's his job. There's other stuff about how he was, and crap, that I believe was pressuring. Besides, he's got incentive to be; he doesn't get paid unless we win some sort of monetary award.)
Anyway, I made an OFFHAND remark about how I didn't feel like I was competent to have made that decision and HOO BOY does he go into CYA mode, and BAM the . . .what's the word (major aphasia problems the last few days, as my in-laws and hubby can attest), the word for that ironwork gate that can slam down in the front archway of a castle after you've come over the drawbridge that can be raised and lowered? Ugh, see how long it took to type that, and I STILL can't come up with the word!!!!
Oh, man, does he get so aggress and just start ATTACKING me like I'm some hostile witness on the stand, on Law and Order or something . . . I felt like I was pinned under a fusillade of arrows (see, I can come up with a word like fusillade!!! woot!!!)
I'm still very emotional about it, and crying now . . . geez. He was all like, no one adjudicated you incompentent to make that decision, I didn't adjudicate you incompentent to blah blah whatever . . . . (and I was sitting here stunned, on the other end of the phone . . . . there'd never been any question as to my compentence about going to the hearing or anything . . . of course, I've always known I don't do well under pressure, but this decision, that he asked the judge permission for to take us aside, outside of the formal hearing room for . . . . it was one of those do or die moments, it was one of those . . . um, DAMN HIGH PRESSURE things . . . There was ALOT of pressure, I reiterated to this LAWYER.
Anyway, eventually I said, look. I'm sitting here in alot of pain (because I was, and I am, my knees are killing me, they've almost collapsed under me in non-painful moments recently), there's been several deaths in the family, I've had a new, far-reaching unpleasant diagnosis, I'm NOT mad at you, in fact I think of you fondly (I don't know if that last one is a lie; sometimes my me-ness retreats into the back of my head and I'm not there anymore and the rest of me operates on automatic because I can't cope, I just can't . . .ok, here I go again, tearing up . . . damnit . . .) I just had to get him to stop. I also pictured him working up some paperwork JIC (just in case I should ever decide to sue him for malpractice or something, you could tell he was thinkin it, he was certainly attacking me!!! geez.)
Anyway, I then gave him a compliment of some sort, I can't remember what it was, but all of a sudden he went from this . . . picture a hairy bear of a monster, teeth and claws and impossibly wide tall open devouring mouth like a cavern open to devour and then transformed into a pleasant human being, southern gentleman charm, slight accent and all, like a switch had been flipped; the geniality, the friendliness and cordiality, . . . . . this, too, was jarring and creepy in it's own way, as to how suddenly it was there, although it was soothing as well and I think I kinda unretreated from the back of my head a bit (not sure that's the best description, but then again since I wasn't all there (um, that could probably lead to some jokes, lol) I'm not exactly sure how to describe it anyway.
Part of me understands, that since lawyers are trained in legal stuff, they naturally think defensively, but STILL. I wouldn't sue a fly! Geez. I don't hate the guy, and I think in large part it's the system that has built some incentive into for the disability laywers to have some incentive to act, perhaps unconsciously or not-so unconsciouly depending on the integrity of the lawyer (this one seems to have more than others I've seen advertised, at any rate) in their own interests to some degree - they do NOT get paid unless they win a monetary award of some kind, which, I think, may lead to some compromises that may not always be in the best interests of the client.
Whether or not the compromise in this case was in my best interests . . . . I don't know. I am not sure further appeals would have done any good, although I do know that both the judge and the expert flat-out IGNORED evidence from my family doctor that was BEFORE the dates that ended eligibility for full social security disability . . . . .
Anyway, it's in the past.
Hakuna Matata? That can be a good or a bad phrase, depending on how it's used, when, how, and why, I suppose. In the movie, not so good.
At least my behind, is in my past. Reverse that (channelling my inner Willy Wonka, and the word-mess-ups in this paragraph were all a-purpose, cause I needed some humor!)
Well, I guess this post also had some broader commentary on the Social Security disability application, hearing, adjudication, SSI, payment, and back-pay processes, as well as some more personal discussion of some of my experiences, which I've been meaning to discuss, anyway.
It also occurred to me, as I was typing, that I know it's probably wise to never say never in regards to reserving one's rights to further appeal in legal matters (or perhaps in regards to suing perhaps for the fact that I don't believe I was competent to be forced into making such an on-the-spot decision in such a pressured situation, which is exactly one of the things that sets off some of the mental health problems and disabilities of which they had just been browsing through in all their folders, ugh!!!) that my posting about this stuff could perhaps come back to bite me in the, er, proverbial behind (which is the past, hee hee), should I ever decide to pursue further appeals on the disability front . . . . but the process was so horrific, I can't foresee that.
It still might be unwise of me to post this, and I still feel that I was pressured, but I'm posting anyway.
What I'd like to happen the most out of this is that my experience be of some kind of help to others, whether in just reading about my struggles or in seeing a glimpse of the process, perhaps. I believe that this is far more likely to happen than a suit on the issue of competence or on the right to appeal.
As I say in the sidebar under Noodleheads regarding my friend Stephen of the blog Ethesis, he really does brighten up that whole Lawyer thing. There is hope in the legal world yet! They are not all people who can turn on you one second, and pull a bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers out of their sleeves the next.
The oddness of the call DID remind me of the inhuman jokes regarding lawyers that I'm assuming most people have heard, though. I guess lawyers need to perform in court, and being able to act, being able to turn different aspects of ones' self on and off, would probably be a handy trait to have, but geez, it was unnerving to be on the receiving end of, and I'm still MORE than unsettled by it!
The lawyer is sending me a copy of the paperwork that they say I have, that they say has the breakdown of the back-pay lump sums into year-by-year amounts, but they are sending me the paper anyway.
Yahoo!!!! I did what I've been putting off, and now it is done!
I phoned the knee doc and made an appointment, which is something I've been putting off as well.
Sorry to go on so long. Whew. I'm a bit emotionally wasted, perhaps I'll seek some online gaming out for relaxation . . . . . I'm PROUD AS HELL (sorry moms again . . .) that I came through that lawyer's barrage, even though I apparently checked out, during part of it. Gah, here come the tears! Ok, enough. Talk to you later, and yeah Stephen, I know you guys and gals in your profession aren't all like that.
Would you mind writing a guest post for me sometime? I'd be honored if you would! Your level of writing is just . . . . well, it's quite something, my friend.
*Note: I am not a lawyer, doctor, mental health practitioner or expert in any of those or any field referenced above or anything. Just a person with some troubles, blogging away.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Inspired By Another Blog, Today - "Be Present, Be Here" Blog
Here is a brief partial quote from towards the end of the most recent post of this blog, to give you a taste of what inspired me, of what touched me, and of what runs completely to the heart of me and parts of what my experience in life are, at this time, at this place, at this being-ness, at this state . . . .
Please go HERE for the post & blog I am referring to. Again, the blog is entitled, Be Present, Be Here.
the push and pull of life can be exhausting and push me to places and thoughts and fears that i do not want to live inside let alone pass through. yet, i keep going. i begin to . . . . .
Please go HERE for the post & blog I am referring to. Again, the blog is entitled, Be Present, Be Here.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Perhaps Another Part of Luke's Training?
I betcha there were bits that didn't make the final cut of the movie . . . . . ha ha ha ha ha . . . .
Or maybe he was trying to train Luke to "B Good.".
Anyway, this brought me a smile today, and I thought I'd share the smile, since this Flickr photo is one that it's owner has allowed the "Blog this photo" option on.
Now I've got an urge to "phone home". Do you?
Or maybe he was trying to train Luke to "B Good.".
Anyway, this brought me a smile today, and I thought I'd share the smile, since this Flickr photo is one that it's owner has allowed the "Blog this photo" option on.
Now I've got an urge to "phone home". Do you?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Square Meal, & a Not So "Square" Grandfather
I live in a desert, a watermelon could sure qualify as a meal around here, sometimes!
They do have the regular round/oval variety in Japan, but they grow them square for a higher price/ease of shipping/ease of storage/convenience for the consumer, should they want to pay the price.
Sure looks funny, though! I want to know if they grow the yellow innards watermelon square, too? Tastes just like the red, but your eyes keep telling you that you should be tasting something different.
I just thought I should post something, since it's been a stretch.
There's been a couple deaths in the family; my maternal grandfather, and one week later, an uncle of my dad's. Then, a few days ago, word came that my MIL's dad was being life-flighted to the hospital and it didn't look good. He's still here, and doing ok (as far as I know so far), but February was a tough time with the two blows for my parents, and I feel so much for them. I feel for my husband and his family as well.
My mom's dad's passing has brought up a lot of complicated emotions in me. I keep telling myself it was HIM choosing to not be like a grandfather to me; there was nothing wrong with me. Of course, when he goes to my siblings' weddings (the ones that got married) and not mine, it makes me wonder what the hell is so wrong with me . . . . anyway, HE chose to not act as my grandfather. HE chose this. It was about HIM and HIS flaws, not about me. A man can be a coward, despite having served in the Navy during WWII in the Pacific, and in Japan during the Korean War (gee, I bet that last one was dangerous).
My mom is ok with all this talk; I wouldn't disrespect her in her grief; she told me it was ok to type out whatever I wanted here. I may have more, but it's taken me awhile just to get this little bit out.
Not that square watermelons have anything to do with it, but I guess Japan does, kinda . . . ..
They do have the regular round/oval variety in Japan, but they grow them square for a higher price/ease of shipping/ease of storage/convenience for the consumer, should they want to pay the price.
Sure looks funny, though! I want to know if they grow the yellow innards watermelon square, too? Tastes just like the red, but your eyes keep telling you that you should be tasting something different.
I just thought I should post something, since it's been a stretch.
There's been a couple deaths in the family; my maternal grandfather, and one week later, an uncle of my dad's. Then, a few days ago, word came that my MIL's dad was being life-flighted to the hospital and it didn't look good. He's still here, and doing ok (as far as I know so far), but February was a tough time with the two blows for my parents, and I feel so much for them. I feel for my husband and his family as well.
My mom's dad's passing has brought up a lot of complicated emotions in me. I keep telling myself it was HIM choosing to not be like a grandfather to me; there was nothing wrong with me. Of course, when he goes to my siblings' weddings (the ones that got married) and not mine, it makes me wonder what the hell is so wrong with me . . . . anyway, HE chose to not act as my grandfather. HE chose this. It was about HIM and HIS flaws, not about me. A man can be a coward, despite having served in the Navy during WWII in the Pacific, and in Japan during the Korean War (gee, I bet that last one was dangerous).
My mom is ok with all this talk; I wouldn't disrespect her in her grief; she told me it was ok to type out whatever I wanted here. I may have more, but it's taken me awhile just to get this little bit out.
Not that square watermelons have anything to do with it, but I guess Japan does, kinda . . . ..
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
It's A-Maze-ing To Me
In a discussion elsewhere, as I was responding to a friend, part of what I said is the following:
I thought that a REALLY good explanation of what alot of my struggle is. It uses up ALOT of me, of my energy - even physical, not just mental - as this is very basic to how I interface with the world, kind of like how someone with autism has their own basic things that are on a fundamental level of interfacing with the world.
Different struggles, but in one angle of thinking about it, I thought, HEY, this goes to show to what depth and degree of interference and struggle I'm even starting from, when it comes to doing anything. I thought it a good, though brief, explanation and illustration of the problem, although perhaps it might not make sense to some, or perhaps many.
It's one of the layers of interference that takes effort to push through, to run through that maze in my mind, in my words, in and with my relationships, in and with my feelings and thoughts about those relationships, or about anything; also about, regarding, and involving my actions - actively taking alot of energy to sort, filter, run the maze, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. in thought, word, feeling, and deed.
The title of this post is a play on some of the lyrics in the song, "When You Say Nothing At All", which is kind of funny, because all this effort and energy is being expended even when, and sometimes ESPECIALLY when, I'm saying nothing at all . . . .
I just have a maze of fears I have to navigate in my mind, in order to try to function, and sometimes that comes out in the maze of words and maze of verbal construction that I term/put things in, in order to be able to say it at all.
I thought that a REALLY good explanation of what alot of my struggle is. It uses up ALOT of me, of my energy - even physical, not just mental - as this is very basic to how I interface with the world, kind of like how someone with autism has their own basic things that are on a fundamental level of interfacing with the world.
Different struggles, but in one angle of thinking about it, I thought, HEY, this goes to show to what depth and degree of interference and struggle I'm even starting from, when it comes to doing anything. I thought it a good, though brief, explanation and illustration of the problem, although perhaps it might not make sense to some, or perhaps many.
It's one of the layers of interference that takes effort to push through, to run through that maze in my mind, in my words, in and with my relationships, in and with my feelings and thoughts about those relationships, or about anything; also about, regarding, and involving my actions - actively taking alot of energy to sort, filter, run the maze, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. in thought, word, feeling, and deed.
The title of this post is a play on some of the lyrics in the song, "When You Say Nothing At All", which is kind of funny, because all this effort and energy is being expended even when, and sometimes ESPECIALLY when, I'm saying nothing at all . . . .
Monday, December 17, 2007
200 miles in 2008
An old post from almost a year ago I stumbled across, here, has inspired me to a very modest goal of my own. My goal is 200 miles in 2008. That works out to @ .55 mile(s) a day. On average.
Thing is, I AM worried about my knee, but hopefully I'll quit procrastinating and call the dang doctor! I am aggravated by and frustrated with the front desk people at the group practice/Intermountain Health Care clinic/doctor's offices there, as far as trying to get anything useful out of them on a recommendation for and to an ortho. The PA I saw back in August recommended one, and even had an aide call them, to have them call me and set something up right away, but it turned out they were dropping United Health Care insurance within a few weeks (it's a major health insurance, especially here, and this is the only ortho clinic near me, but on the other hand I can understand frustration with insurance company practices, policies, price-setting, and there's part of me that approves of sticking it to UHC because their CEO's and that sort of corporate executive make some of the most ridiculously extravagant and extensive perks and salaries in the health insurance business. There's many reasons they are, I think I've heard, one of the most profitable insurance companies, and I'm sure some of those practices that help them be so are probably part of why this ortho clinic is dumping them)
Woops, side-rant there! It's annoying though, from both sides. Anyway, trying to get anything intelligent out of the desk help (and I've been a secretary and "desk" help in a semi-medical setting, so I don't rant at them lightly, knowing how hard-worked, underpaid, and under-appreciated they are) regarding which providers off the list of UHC ortho's might be good ones, ones my doc has worked with before, anything. The first couple of names I picked were the wrong kind of ortho's, more lifestyle ones, no surgery . . .though they do have some services that I like, like working on nutrition, losing weight, etc. Some of which would possibly not be covered by insurance, but that's ok. Still, I need an arhroscopy (I think that's the term) to see what's going on in there, and possibly new x-rays since it's been awhile since August. I HATE that I have to spend another co-pay just because of the office "help", and I'm going to let them and him know that. We can't spare it, but this hobbling around like a cripple, plus gaining weight from not being able to exercise, are getting old. I know some of it is weight related, but I had all that a year ago, this horrid stuff is from something going on, beyond the arthritis they discovered.
And what's up with just saying, by the way, you have arthritis, here's a scrip for some meds for that.
Nothing about, you'll have this the rest of your life (maybe this goes without saying, maybe much about arthritis is obvious, but for me, it's never been something I've thought about much at all, because I figured when I was 45 or 50 would be when I'd learn more . . . . so seriously, besides knowing it hurts, can get inflamed at times which is why anti-inflammatories like ibuprofen can be good for it (is naproxen one of those, too?), is in the joints, and interferes with functioning at varying times and degrees, that's about all I know. I mean, it'd be nice, and, I think, ESSENTIAL, if a doc would assume less, and TELL me what something MEANS for and to me, not just, by the way, you've got this. That PA (physician's assistant) was nice and all, but still . . . .
Docs, especially GP's (or PA's, my GP was on vacation and also works with a PA who handles some things, you can make an appointment with either but the PA is available much sooner usually) are so pressed-for time, something needs to CHANGE to make it so they can spend a little more time with each patient, geez! Yet not lose money because they might be seeing fewer by a couple, each day . . . . . and then there's all the paperwork, etc. I'm sure Doctor Anonymous, aka Dr. A, can chime in with some comments to this post, from his point of view (he's a GP).
More side-venting there, I guess (makes me sound like a multi-vent volcano, say, like Kilaueua (sp? I'll check it later!)). I understand why it's so hard to get thru to doc or get doc to call back on the phone, at best, I've gotten referred back to the nurse aide (not sure if full R.N.) or the lady that's worked for him since he first opened his practice back in the early 90's (which is when I started seeing him.)
He used to have a solo practice, but about 4-5 years ago moved his practice to an Intermountain Health Care building where some other doctors are, along with a lab, x-rays, etc. Solo practices are a difficult thing indeed to do, these days.
Okay, so back to the 200 miles in 2008 goal. I think I can do this, I KNOW I can. Some days my knee is better than others, and I'll keep it in mind; I can only walk a certain distance before the muscles stiffen from about 5" above the knee to about 5" below the knee and it can become like a tree trunk. So, I often ride those cart things around and about a store, nowadays, since however this "injury" or whatnot happened earlier this summer. I feel like an old cripple!
Anyway. I can walk some, and I can't stand the feeling I'm putting on weight. I may just be losing muscle weight and gaining belly girth, and working out to the same weight, but I've GOT to feel like I'm doing something about this!!!! I feel capable of actually starting a somewhat regular exercise regime since starting a med back in May; I started slowly and carefully, but that may be what led to the injury. Still, I'm eager to exercise; the mental health benefits are quite impressive. (anyone else hear that last word or two in Darth Vader's voice in your head as you read along? As the seasonal song says/sings, "Do you hear what I hear . . . . .)
I've got a simple pedometer around here that operates w/something that jiggles around inside; I'm such a geek, though, and I have a way online of tracking the output from a heartrate/pedometer dealie, and seeing graphs and charts from it, that if I could figure out how to get one of THOSE, I know it would also be an extra motivation, to help add to the graphs and charts! Seriously, that kind of thing is my cup of hot cocoa.
I know the ice cream binges I go on sometimes don't help, but those are when I'm approaching or are dangerously depressed; as my psychologist says, it's a bridge, for now, and we can work on the food issues at another time; it IS better than injuring or killing ones' self. Oh, I highly recommend my current addiction in this vein, Dreyer's Ltd. Butterfinger Loaded Ice Cream. Mmmmmmmm . . . .
Woops, back to the healthy stuff. This year, earlier in the year when we were more regularly buying that one apple that I discovered earlier this year that is not a variety I had tried before, that I had found by catching a whiff of a fruity scent I'd not ever tasted before, and that I followed with my nose until I found the source of it; for the LIFE of me the name of the apple is escaping me!!!!! Just like earlier when I was leaving a msg. for my ologist, and talking about efficacy, I kept saying effexor. Word problems, aphasia, etc.
I don't think it's Macintosh, my brain keeps trying to spit out "MacGyver", lol!!!! That's certainly not it, but an example of how my brain keeps looking in the "file folder" near or next to what it actually needs to pull up; you can see the similarity of the words MacIntosh and MacGyver, although they are certainly very different subjects, categories, etc.
I've got alot to say, I guess, and I also am manic since restarting a med at the usual dose, after being without it for most of last week (my husband had to eventually camp out in front of the psychiatrist's office last Friday before he opened and wait for him; he was half an hour late, as usual (why does he schedule 10:00 am appts. anyway if he knows he's usually late, is it because he'd come in at 11:00 am if he started appts. at 10:30?) The lateness thing doesn't bug me so much, a relaxed and more laid back shrink is a good thing. My last appt. with him had some rather uptightness on his part though, repeated a few times too many, which I have some response I need to discuss with him before we can proceed.
Ack. See? My mind is all over the place, I type really fast, but I've got all this stuff whirling inside! It's sort of a "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" kinda feeling, very bouyant, like on that Mythbusters episode where they tested how many helium balloons of the usual size it'd take to lift a person off the ground . . . . .
I've been looking up some low to no impact, as far as the knee thing goes, in the way of exercise online; I've seen references to exercising with one of those big ball things, there's "chair dancing", with some references to seniors doing it but being good for all, various types of water excercising, such as water-jogging, which I'd never heard of before; it involves wearing a flotation device of a usual sort, and being in water where you can't touch bottom, and maintaining a running posture with torso, shoulders, neck, arms, etc. as much as possible while "jogging" with the lower body (ie., avoid the tendency to lean forward in the water, and such). There's other water exercise options too . . . I'm looking also at one of those little bouncy/trampoline small board thingies one can attach to a Pilates or Total Gym type of machine; I have a Total Gym, and they say it's very gentle/low impact, even if the notion seems like it wouldn't be (you are doing it horizontally, one leg at a time, and it LOOKS low-impact, and yet they say it's good cardio . . . .). I s'pose I could pull out the Total Gym and do things not involving the knees, or that knee at any rate, I dunno.
But.
200 miles in 2008. Maybe I'll make up a little graphic, which anyone can use if they put it on their own server or photo upload account, and put in the sidebar of your blog, to show your participation.
If you've made it this far, thanks and congratulations! I might report here how my mileage goes, if I can find that low-tech, perhaps not as accurate, pedometer thing.
I'm also going to figure out how many miles of yarn I have, and how many miles I've knit and crocheted, hee! You wouldn't believe the numbers some fiber crafters have as far as those "stats", lol!
To be cliche, I guess it really is a manic monday . . . . . la la la la la . . .
Edited to add: GALA apples. THAT's the apple I was trying to rememnber! Took me until about 5:30pm to remember that, it just came to me! I also remember I got sidetracked from why I was talking about fruit in the first place; when we have those apples, and grapes when they aren't ridiculously priced (I especially like a variety of green, red, and black; I know the red ones have more anti-oxidants or something, but I just love to taste the differences as well as the visual stimulation of the contrasting, delicious colors!), I actually eat alot healthier, because then I'm full of apple and grape, and not snacking on other stuff. Carrots and baby carrots are great too; dip adds some calories and fat, but it's not too bad; we mix up our own. Pluots (Plum/apricot combo, looks like a plum, and taste is probably 2/3 to 3/4 plum, the rest apricot. It was very pleasant, and actually the pluminess/apricottiness of it was not consistent throughout, they were blended well in many places, but leaned stronger towards one or the other throughtout the fruit; I liked that! It felt like a nice, new, hybrid kind of fruit, and I liked that it felt like a melding without mixing it to completely blended in. Simple things, but they make it ALOT easier to be healthier! They just seem like they are so costly, so extravagant . . .
Thing is, I AM worried about my knee, but hopefully I'll quit procrastinating and call the dang doctor! I am aggravated by and frustrated with the front desk people at the group practice/Intermountain Health Care clinic/doctor's offices there, as far as trying to get anything useful out of them on a recommendation for and to an ortho. The PA I saw back in August recommended one, and even had an aide call them, to have them call me and set something up right away, but it turned out they were dropping United Health Care insurance within a few weeks (it's a major health insurance, especially here, and this is the only ortho clinic near me, but on the other hand I can understand frustration with insurance company practices, policies, price-setting, and there's part of me that approves of sticking it to UHC because their CEO's and that sort of corporate executive make some of the most ridiculously extravagant and extensive perks and salaries in the health insurance business. There's many reasons they are, I think I've heard, one of the most profitable insurance companies, and I'm sure some of those practices that help them be so are probably part of why this ortho clinic is dumping them)
Woops, side-rant there! It's annoying though, from both sides. Anyway, trying to get anything intelligent out of the desk help (and I've been a secretary and "desk" help in a semi-medical setting, so I don't rant at them lightly, knowing how hard-worked, underpaid, and under-appreciated they are) regarding which providers off the list of UHC ortho's might be good ones, ones my doc has worked with before, anything. The first couple of names I picked were the wrong kind of ortho's, more lifestyle ones, no surgery . . .though they do have some services that I like, like working on nutrition, losing weight, etc. Some of which would possibly not be covered by insurance, but that's ok. Still, I need an arhroscopy (I think that's the term) to see what's going on in there, and possibly new x-rays since it's been awhile since August. I HATE that I have to spend another co-pay just because of the office "help", and I'm going to let them and him know that. We can't spare it, but this hobbling around like a cripple, plus gaining weight from not being able to exercise, are getting old. I know some of it is weight related, but I had all that a year ago, this horrid stuff is from something going on, beyond the arthritis they discovered.
And what's up with just saying, by the way, you have arthritis, here's a scrip for some meds for that.
Nothing about, you'll have this the rest of your life (maybe this goes without saying, maybe much about arthritis is obvious, but for me, it's never been something I've thought about much at all, because I figured when I was 45 or 50 would be when I'd learn more . . . . so seriously, besides knowing it hurts, can get inflamed at times which is why anti-inflammatories like ibuprofen can be good for it (is naproxen one of those, too?), is in the joints, and interferes with functioning at varying times and degrees, that's about all I know. I mean, it'd be nice, and, I think, ESSENTIAL, if a doc would assume less, and TELL me what something MEANS for and to me, not just, by the way, you've got this. That PA (physician's assistant) was nice and all, but still . . . .
Docs, especially GP's (or PA's, my GP was on vacation and also works with a PA who handles some things, you can make an appointment with either but the PA is available much sooner usually) are so pressed-for time, something needs to CHANGE to make it so they can spend a little more time with each patient, geez! Yet not lose money because they might be seeing fewer by a couple, each day . . . . . and then there's all the paperwork, etc. I'm sure Doctor Anonymous, aka Dr. A, can chime in with some comments to this post, from his point of view (he's a GP).
More side-venting there, I guess (makes me sound like a multi-vent volcano, say, like Kilaueua (sp? I'll check it later!)). I understand why it's so hard to get thru to doc or get doc to call back on the phone, at best, I've gotten referred back to the nurse aide (not sure if full R.N.) or the lady that's worked for him since he first opened his practice back in the early 90's (which is when I started seeing him.)
He used to have a solo practice, but about 4-5 years ago moved his practice to an Intermountain Health Care building where some other doctors are, along with a lab, x-rays, etc. Solo practices are a difficult thing indeed to do, these days.
Okay, so back to the 200 miles in 2008 goal. I think I can do this, I KNOW I can. Some days my knee is better than others, and I'll keep it in mind; I can only walk a certain distance before the muscles stiffen from about 5" above the knee to about 5" below the knee and it can become like a tree trunk. So, I often ride those cart things around and about a store, nowadays, since however this "injury" or whatnot happened earlier this summer. I feel like an old cripple!
Anyway. I can walk some, and I can't stand the feeling I'm putting on weight. I may just be losing muscle weight and gaining belly girth, and working out to the same weight, but I've GOT to feel like I'm doing something about this!!!! I feel capable of actually starting a somewhat regular exercise regime since starting a med back in May; I started slowly and carefully, but that may be what led to the injury. Still, I'm eager to exercise; the mental health benefits are quite impressive. (anyone else hear that last word or two in Darth Vader's voice in your head as you read along? As the seasonal song says/sings, "Do you hear what I hear . . . . .)
I've got a simple pedometer around here that operates w/something that jiggles around inside; I'm such a geek, though, and I have a way online of tracking the output from a heartrate/pedometer dealie, and seeing graphs and charts from it, that if I could figure out how to get one of THOSE, I know it would also be an extra motivation, to help add to the graphs and charts! Seriously, that kind of thing is my cup of hot cocoa.
I know the ice cream binges I go on sometimes don't help, but those are when I'm approaching or are dangerously depressed; as my psychologist says, it's a bridge, for now, and we can work on the food issues at another time; it IS better than injuring or killing ones' self. Oh, I highly recommend my current addiction in this vein, Dreyer's Ltd. Butterfinger Loaded Ice Cream. Mmmmmmmm . . . .
Woops, back to the healthy stuff. This year, earlier in the year when we were more regularly buying that one apple that I discovered earlier this year that is not a variety I had tried before, that I had found by catching a whiff of a fruity scent I'd not ever tasted before, and that I followed with my nose until I found the source of it; for the LIFE of me the name of the apple is escaping me!!!!! Just like earlier when I was leaving a msg. for my ologist, and talking about efficacy, I kept saying effexor. Word problems, aphasia, etc.
I don't think it's Macintosh, my brain keeps trying to spit out "MacGyver", lol!!!! That's certainly not it, but an example of how my brain keeps looking in the "file folder" near or next to what it actually needs to pull up; you can see the similarity of the words MacIntosh and MacGyver, although they are certainly very different subjects, categories, etc.
I've got alot to say, I guess, and I also am manic since restarting a med at the usual dose, after being without it for most of last week (my husband had to eventually camp out in front of the psychiatrist's office last Friday before he opened and wait for him; he was half an hour late, as usual (why does he schedule 10:00 am appts. anyway if he knows he's usually late, is it because he'd come in at 11:00 am if he started appts. at 10:30?) The lateness thing doesn't bug me so much, a relaxed and more laid back shrink is a good thing. My last appt. with him had some rather uptightness on his part though, repeated a few times too many, which I have some response I need to discuss with him before we can proceed.
Ack. See? My mind is all over the place, I type really fast, but I've got all this stuff whirling inside! It's sort of a "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" kinda feeling, very bouyant, like on that Mythbusters episode where they tested how many helium balloons of the usual size it'd take to lift a person off the ground . . . . .
I've been looking up some low to no impact, as far as the knee thing goes, in the way of exercise online; I've seen references to exercising with one of those big ball things, there's "chair dancing", with some references to seniors doing it but being good for all, various types of water excercising, such as water-jogging, which I'd never heard of before; it involves wearing a flotation device of a usual sort, and being in water where you can't touch bottom, and maintaining a running posture with torso, shoulders, neck, arms, etc. as much as possible while "jogging" with the lower body (ie., avoid the tendency to lean forward in the water, and such). There's other water exercise options too . . . I'm looking also at one of those little bouncy/trampoline small board thingies one can attach to a Pilates or Total Gym type of machine; I have a Total Gym, and they say it's very gentle/low impact, even if the notion seems like it wouldn't be (you are doing it horizontally, one leg at a time, and it LOOKS low-impact, and yet they say it's good cardio . . . .). I s'pose I could pull out the Total Gym and do things not involving the knees, or that knee at any rate, I dunno.
But.
200 miles in 2008. Maybe I'll make up a little graphic, which anyone can use if they put it on their own server or photo upload account, and put in the sidebar of your blog, to show your participation.
If you've made it this far, thanks and congratulations! I might report here how my mileage goes, if I can find that low-tech, perhaps not as accurate, pedometer thing.
I'm also going to figure out how many miles of yarn I have, and how many miles I've knit and crocheted, hee! You wouldn't believe the numbers some fiber crafters have as far as those "stats", lol!
To be cliche, I guess it really is a manic monday . . . . . la la la la la . . .
Edited to add: GALA apples. THAT's the apple I was trying to rememnber! Took me until about 5:30pm to remember that, it just came to me! I also remember I got sidetracked from why I was talking about fruit in the first place; when we have those apples, and grapes when they aren't ridiculously priced (I especially like a variety of green, red, and black; I know the red ones have more anti-oxidants or something, but I just love to taste the differences as well as the visual stimulation of the contrasting, delicious colors!), I actually eat alot healthier, because then I'm full of apple and grape, and not snacking on other stuff. Carrots and baby carrots are great too; dip adds some calories and fat, but it's not too bad; we mix up our own. Pluots (Plum/apricot combo, looks like a plum, and taste is probably 2/3 to 3/4 plum, the rest apricot. It was very pleasant, and actually the pluminess/apricottiness of it was not consistent throughout, they were blended well in many places, but leaned stronger towards one or the other throughtout the fruit; I liked that! It felt like a nice, new, hybrid kind of fruit, and I liked that it felt like a melding without mixing it to completely blended in. Simple things, but they make it ALOT easier to be healthier! They just seem like they are so costly, so extravagant . . .
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Disability Application Process: Death by Paperwork
How many trees, exactly, were used in this process, anyway? A ridiculous number, for one person, I suspect.
A post elsewhere reminded me I'd been meaning to post these pages of a form several of my docs each filled out during the process, for my lawyer. In many different forms & questionnaires and such from the SSA, I suppose I also answered in these matters at various times, although, if you are going through the process, you'll see that much of the paperwork is physical disability oriented. How many pounds can you lift, and so forth.
I've said this before, but the process is hell. Part of it is looking, or trying to, look at yourself in terms of how you function, or rather, DON'T function, in certain ways, in certain capacities, to certain degrees.
Hell, just to survive, at least with me, there are many of these things you either don't see about yourself, can't see about yourself, or are sort of "blanked out" via a sort of mental "white-out" (like the office supply) because if you DID see these things, think about them, associate them, think about what it/they MEAN about you . . . . . you'd hate yourself to the depths of the universe and back, even more. You'd even perhaps try to kill yourself (as I once tried, in very, very large part because it hit me, all at once, how very poor my functioning as a human being, as a worker, as a social entity, as anything, was.) As I also came close to doing, at several points during the disability application process. When I say the process is killer, it literally could be, and I bet it has, tragically, caused some to do so.
But they'd rather prevent even one fraudulant, faker claimant (as the judge said, in his own words, though), than approve someone deserving who thought that most of these things about me, were just ME, were just flaws in my character, in my me-ness, in my who I AM-ness, in my Sara-ness, that they were JUST ME, so I had no idea that I should even bring them up to a doctor, many of them anyway. The judge pretty much said that, that they'd rather prevent one fraudulent, than let through one deserving person who had these problems, even though this deserving person had had no idea it was anything other than just being herself, that was the "wrongness". Not in those words, but it was . . . . a very bad day for me.
It was a little over a year ago now, and I still have held off at arm's length much of what this decision meant/means for me.
Anyway, here's a look at some of the jarring out of my blinders/self-protective/not even realizing how bad off I was, though I was, place I was in, when I received a questionnaire back from one of my docs:
Imagine, for a moment, that it is YOU, and you are seeing this look at yourself for the first time . . . you knew there were problems, but to see how a professional assesses you, . . . just try to FEEL that.
A post elsewhere reminded me I'd been meaning to post these pages of a form several of my docs each filled out during the process, for my lawyer. In many different forms & questionnaires and such from the SSA, I suppose I also answered in these matters at various times, although, if you are going through the process, you'll see that much of the paperwork is physical disability oriented. How many pounds can you lift, and so forth.
I've said this before, but the process is hell. Part of it is looking, or trying to, look at yourself in terms of how you function, or rather, DON'T function, in certain ways, in certain capacities, to certain degrees.
Hell, just to survive, at least with me, there are many of these things you either don't see about yourself, can't see about yourself, or are sort of "blanked out" via a sort of mental "white-out" (like the office supply) because if you DID see these things, think about them, associate them, think about what it/they MEAN about you . . . . . you'd hate yourself to the depths of the universe and back, even more. You'd even perhaps try to kill yourself (as I once tried, in very, very large part because it hit me, all at once, how very poor my functioning as a human being, as a worker, as a social entity, as anything, was.) As I also came close to doing, at several points during the disability application process. When I say the process is killer, it literally could be, and I bet it has, tragically, caused some to do so.
But they'd rather prevent even one fraudulant, faker claimant (as the judge said, in his own words, though), than approve someone deserving who thought that most of these things about me, were just ME, were just flaws in my character, in my me-ness, in my who I AM-ness, in my Sara-ness, that they were JUST ME, so I had no idea that I should even bring them up to a doctor, many of them anyway. The judge pretty much said that, that they'd rather prevent one fraudulent, than let through one deserving person who had these problems, even though this deserving person had had no idea it was anything other than just being herself, that was the "wrongness". Not in those words, but it was . . . . a very bad day for me.
It was a little over a year ago now, and I still have held off at arm's length much of what this decision meant/means for me.
Anyway, here's a look at some of the jarring out of my blinders/self-protective/not even realizing how bad off I was, though I was, place I was in, when I received a questionnaire back from one of my docs:
Imagine, for a moment, that it is YOU, and you are seeing this look at yourself for the first time . . . you knew there were problems, but to see how a professional assesses you, . . . just try to FEEL that.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Presidential Candidates Compared on Health Plan & Mental Health Parity Issues
Click the title above to go to an article at About.com regarding where the top three presidential candidates from each of the two major parties stand on issues of health insurance and especially the mental health parity issue.
Mental health parity means that insurance companies would have to cover mental illness the same way they treat the coverage of other, traditionally covered with many fewer restrictions (relatively speaking) illnesses, such as diabetes or pneumonia, etc. If they don't limit a diabetic to two doctor visits a year (I'm speaking from a rather unknowledgeable position as regards diabetes), which I don't think they do because I think diabetics need more frequent visits in order to keep the illness in check? - Then they couldn't limit mental health visits to two a year, or whatever number.
In my case, it is 20 therapy visits. A better example might be, if they don't limit therapy visits to 20 per year for, say, someone who's had a stroke and needs the therapy, then they couldn't for mental health. I don't think the parity is tied to any one specific more traditionally thought of as "physical" illness (mental illness IS physical; there's problems in the chemical and structural aspects of the brain and nervous system, as well as many physical effects of such illness), but I just wanted to throw out some examples.
I found this About.com article to be an interesting comparison of these candidates on these issues, and was also pleased to note the following:
I'll be checking back, that's for sure!
This article also references material at Health08.org, which looks to be a nice resource regarding these issues and the stances, policies, plans, platforms, politics, thoughts, et. al which the candidates have published, expressed, or otherwise stated regarding these matters. The comparison was put together by
I am pleased to see that this one will naturally be regularly updated, as well. The About.com article does note that the comparison at this linked site appears to be missing a bit of information regarding Mr. Obama's position.
I may not have the exact meaning of mental health parity nailed down, but regardless of any inaccuracies on my part, I thought it important to post about the subject while I had enough "oomph" to do so.
It appears that the Republicans do need to step it up. I say this as an American citizen, but also as a Republican. I do remember hearing in an interview with John Edwards earlier this year, or late last year, his answer to a question regarding mental health care coverage & parity; I was EXTREMELY pleased as well as surprised to hear that he had a definite, although not as fully formed then, notion of what he wanted to say on the matter - it was more than just a sentence or two, sound-bite answer; he had researched (well, okay, the interns and others probably do that, but candidates have to read or be briefed on the content) and THOUGHT THROUGH some of the difficulties that the mentally ill have had when it comes to trying to afford getting help.
I was extremely pleased, despite his being a Democrat, because I suspected that this meant the issue was going to be brought forward more, dealt with more, discussed and fleshed out more, as the campaigns began and moved forward.
On a more personal level, I must say I'm a bit aghast that Rudy Giuliani is at the head of the pack of Republican candidates; it is not due to the fact that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as is Mitt Romney, but rather because I think people have this public image of Mr. Giuliani that is perhaps a bit disengenuous and a bit idealized, to say just a little on the matter, which may contribute to resulting in a far different Chief Executive than the one they perceived they were voting for. Although, I'd guess that any following of any particular candidate probably idealizes that candidate, as might naturally follow from all the enthusiasm worked up in the spirit of trying to help your candidate get elected.
I'm not trying to start any political fights! I just thought I'd throw a few of my personal thoughts, that are rather preliminary at this point in the campaigns, out there.
Mental health parity means that insurance companies would have to cover mental illness the same way they treat the coverage of other, traditionally covered with many fewer restrictions (relatively speaking) illnesses, such as diabetes or pneumonia, etc. If they don't limit a diabetic to two doctor visits a year (I'm speaking from a rather unknowledgeable position as regards diabetes), which I don't think they do because I think diabetics need more frequent visits in order to keep the illness in check? - Then they couldn't limit mental health visits to two a year, or whatever number.
In my case, it is 20 therapy visits. A better example might be, if they don't limit therapy visits to 20 per year for, say, someone who's had a stroke and needs the therapy, then they couldn't for mental health. I don't think the parity is tied to any one specific more traditionally thought of as "physical" illness (mental illness IS physical; there's problems in the chemical and structural aspects of the brain and nervous system, as well as many physical effects of such illness), but I just wanted to throw out some examples.
I found this About.com article to be an interesting comparison of these candidates on these issues, and was also pleased to note the following:
We will be following the top 3 candidates in each party for their positions on health care as it relates to those with mental illnesses. This page will be updated if the ranking of candidates change and/or when a candidate announces a new or changed policy.
I'll be checking back, that's for sure!
This article also references material at Health08.org, which looks to be a nice resource regarding these issues and the stances, policies, plans, platforms, politics, thoughts, et. al which the candidates have published, expressed, or otherwise stated regarding these matters. The comparison was put together by
the Kaiser Family Foundation with the assistance of Health Policy Alternatives, Inc. and is based on information appearing on the candidates' websites as supplemented by information from candidate speeches, the campaign debates and news reports. The sources of information are identified for each candidate's summary (with links to the Internet). The comparison highlights information on the candidates' positions related to access to health care coverage, cost containment, improving the quality of care and financing. Information will be updated regularly as the campaign unfolds.
I am pleased to see that this one will naturally be regularly updated, as well. The About.com article does note that the comparison at this linked site appears to be missing a bit of information regarding Mr. Obama's position.
I may not have the exact meaning of mental health parity nailed down, but regardless of any inaccuracies on my part, I thought it important to post about the subject while I had enough "oomph" to do so.
It appears that the Republicans do need to step it up. I say this as an American citizen, but also as a Republican. I do remember hearing in an interview with John Edwards earlier this year, or late last year, his answer to a question regarding mental health care coverage & parity; I was EXTREMELY pleased as well as surprised to hear that he had a definite, although not as fully formed then, notion of what he wanted to say on the matter - it was more than just a sentence or two, sound-bite answer; he had researched (well, okay, the interns and others probably do that, but candidates have to read or be briefed on the content) and THOUGHT THROUGH some of the difficulties that the mentally ill have had when it comes to trying to afford getting help.
I was extremely pleased, despite his being a Democrat, because I suspected that this meant the issue was going to be brought forward more, dealt with more, discussed and fleshed out more, as the campaigns began and moved forward.
On a more personal level, I must say I'm a bit aghast that Rudy Giuliani is at the head of the pack of Republican candidates; it is not due to the fact that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as is Mitt Romney, but rather because I think people have this public image of Mr. Giuliani that is perhaps a bit disengenuous and a bit idealized, to say just a little on the matter, which may contribute to resulting in a far different Chief Executive than the one they perceived they were voting for. Although, I'd guess that any following of any particular candidate probably idealizes that candidate, as might naturally follow from all the enthusiasm worked up in the spirit of trying to help your candidate get elected.
I'm not trying to start any political fights! I just thought I'd throw a few of my personal thoughts, that are rather preliminary at this point in the campaigns, out there.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Get Bent! - An Artist With a Bent Sense of Humour
I definitely love a good laugh, as well as have a silly side to my personality.I discovered an artist some months ago who seems to incorporate those same things into his work. I asked him for permission to share a few of his photographs with you, and he granted it! He writes a blog by the name of "Bent Objects". Apparently he's also now submitting a book for publishing!
This first work, entitled "Aaarrrsh-mallows!", is my favorite of his most recent several, but only by a hair! Even if they ARE being forced to their "death"! Such a delicious way to go . . . .
His vignettes are clever, as well as ticklish to the funny bone! They touch a place inside me, that is carefree and full of delight; it's a joy when I see that another work has been posted! There's a hammer/nails one that really hits it right on the head . . .
I leave you with one that is a little . . . . twisted (hee!). It is entitled "Sometimes, Being Special Isn't So Special". Click post title to go to his blog for further "bent" perspectives!
Monday, October 15, 2007
Blurtle the Turtle
I blurt a little too much, but when it's about my mental health it's generally after I've gotten to know someone a bit, and vice versa, when it's someone I tell about it at all.
My tumbling, pressured speech/speaking, this waterfall of thoughts that how much I'm able to hold in or not varies widely, is extremely frustrating when I'm putting every erg of my will towards plugging all the holes in the dam thing, and there's anywhere from a few to hundreds more holes in the dam than I've got digits with which to plug them up.
People tend not to like people who can't help themselves in speech/speaking/typing like that.
At the very same second as I'm exerting all my will, and stuff comes out anyway, I feel so horrid inside because I was raised that everyone is a conscious being, with control over ones' self. If I can't stop the tumble of word salad, even tho putting everything in to doing so, THAT MEANS I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF and that scares me.
If I can't control myself, who can? Hrm. Sounds like the best kind of reason to off ones' self, to me.
I don't expect it to make sense to any of you, though.
I take responsibility for myself but that's in complete contradiction to not being able to control ones' self despite every bit of force of will I can bring to (sare)bear.
I am SO pulled apart by completely contradicting stuff like this, in so many different issues . . . I guess it's a wonder I get anything done at all, anyway.
See? In two paragraphs, I go from an intellectual hypothetically "valid" reason to end things, to a much more mellow, self-accepting, hey, it's understandable, just keep working, there's alot going on here, one bit at a time, kind of thing.
Again, this complete turnaround type of thing is another reason I'm probably not so likeable, either.
I'm tempted to say I can't help it, but then, I take responsibility for myself, so that doesn't fly with me. And yet, there's two more contradictorily opposite things going on. Anyway.
I take responsibility for not being able to help it. I'm gonna have to think about that one, because it's not like I'm responsible for the fact that I have these illnesses and such. And since not being able to help it, tho trying my hardest, is a direct effect of the illnesses . . . see? more contradictions . . .
I didn't realize most of this crap until I'd typed it, as I was typing.
This is just to provide a window into how some of the struggle with mental illness, in my life, works. I'm not going to end things or anything.
I know I am not my illnesses. This blog, in large part though, is intended to help illuminate issues and experiences involved with mental illness & health, and to sometimes show what it is like to help foster greater understanding and/or awareness.
My tumbling, pressured speech/speaking, this waterfall of thoughts that how much I'm able to hold in or not varies widely, is extremely frustrating when I'm putting every erg of my will towards plugging all the holes in the dam thing, and there's anywhere from a few to hundreds more holes in the dam than I've got digits with which to plug them up.
People tend not to like people who can't help themselves in speech/speaking/typing like that.
At the very same second as I'm exerting all my will, and stuff comes out anyway, I feel so horrid inside because I was raised that everyone is a conscious being, with control over ones' self. If I can't stop the tumble of word salad, even tho putting everything in to doing so, THAT MEANS I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF and that scares me.
If I can't control myself, who can? Hrm. Sounds like the best kind of reason to off ones' self, to me.
I don't expect it to make sense to any of you, though.
I take responsibility for myself but that's in complete contradiction to not being able to control ones' self despite every bit of force of will I can bring to (sare)bear.
I am SO pulled apart by completely contradicting stuff like this, in so many different issues . . . I guess it's a wonder I get anything done at all, anyway.
See? In two paragraphs, I go from an intellectual hypothetically "valid" reason to end things, to a much more mellow, self-accepting, hey, it's understandable, just keep working, there's alot going on here, one bit at a time, kind of thing.
Again, this complete turnaround type of thing is another reason I'm probably not so likeable, either.
I'm tempted to say I can't help it, but then, I take responsibility for myself, so that doesn't fly with me. And yet, there's two more contradictorily opposite things going on. Anyway.
I take responsibility for not being able to help it. I'm gonna have to think about that one, because it's not like I'm responsible for the fact that I have these illnesses and such. And since not being able to help it, tho trying my hardest, is a direct effect of the illnesses . . . see? more contradictions . . .
I didn't realize most of this crap until I'd typed it, as I was typing.
This is just to provide a window into how some of the struggle with mental illness, in my life, works. I'm not going to end things or anything.
I know I am not my illnesses. This blog, in large part though, is intended to help illuminate issues and experiences involved with mental illness & health, and to sometimes show what it is like to help foster greater understanding and/or awareness.
Friday, October 05, 2007
Bringing Attention to Mental Health Issues - I AM HI
Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan & Ewan McGregor - Cause how could a gal be expected to choose between them? Today, anyway!
Visions of luscious British Isles eyecandy (although it's the voice, too) aside, I've got some bravery to report.
Firstly, the local news radio station is KSL 1160, associated with the TV station KSL channel 5. Today the Movie Show they do on Fridays, with one of my favorite newsradio people to listen to, Doug Wright, was broadcasting near one of our morning errands today, so we popped in to the Seagull Book store to see 'em.
I felt kind of foolish walking in to a store with a van with flashing lights out front, but in we went. They were at the back of the store, doing their thing, and it was cool to hear and see them in person, although very strange when they were obviously speaking with a call-in person, as we couldn't hear that component. They had a drawing going for various smaller prizes, as well as for a beautifully framed art print of the Savior.
We noodled around a bit, looking through the books (this is a book store that caters to the LDS (Mormon) faith, and at that, does so at discount (sometimes steep) prices. There are books here that you'd find in regular bookstores, as well. I was looking through some of these, particularly a gorgeous coffee-table book (though on the small side, as that type of book goes) of National Park pictures; oh, such stunning vistas, formations, features, and seasons!!
They eventually wrapped up the show with the prize drawing, and then I approached the table. I addressed Doug, and he stood up, leaned forward, and shook my hand, asking my name. While I was answering I was thinking, "Wow, his face is HUGE." Maybe an odd thing to think, but there you go. And it was. Big face, I mean. He smiled at me, and it took up his whole face and made it bigger. So that's why I thought that, anyway.
Awkwardness aside I mentioned how I had talked to him about 18 months ago on-air when he had the governor on, that I had spoken about mental health issues, and that I certainly didn't expect him to remember me but wondered if he did? He didn't seem to, so I kept going by having a short discussion with him about maybe doing some shows on Mental Health issues, and how the broken system turns away people who have no options to get better or improve, without treatment. He also said something about how if we can't even get CHIP to pass, what chance does mental health have? I agreed, although didn't realize the CHIP thing was vetoed until I came home and saw it online. I had mentioned in general the various bills in front of Congress, and such, and that I think it'd be great if they could do some shows on those.
SO, just think of me as the awareness fairy, sprinkling increased awareness of mental health issues pixie dust, wherever I roam . . . .
Get out your wands, and spread the IAMHI pixie dust. It's free, and it's sparkley (in my mind, so appropo), and it's good for society. Zero calories, fat, or carbohydrates. It makes you feel goooooood . . . . . if someone asks you what you are doing, just tell them, "I AM HI*"
*Note: Perhaps not to a cop or doctor. Hee hee.
Visions of luscious British Isles eyecandy (although it's the voice, too) aside, I've got some bravery to report.
Firstly, the local news radio station is KSL 1160, associated with the TV station KSL channel 5. Today the Movie Show they do on Fridays, with one of my favorite newsradio people to listen to, Doug Wright, was broadcasting near one of our morning errands today, so we popped in to the Seagull Book store to see 'em.
I felt kind of foolish walking in to a store with a van with flashing lights out front, but in we went. They were at the back of the store, doing their thing, and it was cool to hear and see them in person, although very strange when they were obviously speaking with a call-in person, as we couldn't hear that component. They had a drawing going for various smaller prizes, as well as for a beautifully framed art print of the Savior.
We noodled around a bit, looking through the books (this is a book store that caters to the LDS (Mormon) faith, and at that, does so at discount (sometimes steep) prices. There are books here that you'd find in regular bookstores, as well. I was looking through some of these, particularly a gorgeous coffee-table book (though on the small side, as that type of book goes) of National Park pictures; oh, such stunning vistas, formations, features, and seasons!!
They eventually wrapped up the show with the prize drawing, and then I approached the table. I addressed Doug, and he stood up, leaned forward, and shook my hand, asking my name. While I was answering I was thinking, "Wow, his face is HUGE." Maybe an odd thing to think, but there you go. And it was. Big face, I mean. He smiled at me, and it took up his whole face and made it bigger. So that's why I thought that, anyway.
Awkwardness aside I mentioned how I had talked to him about 18 months ago on-air when he had the governor on, that I had spoken about mental health issues, and that I certainly didn't expect him to remember me but wondered if he did? He didn't seem to, so I kept going by having a short discussion with him about maybe doing some shows on Mental Health issues, and how the broken system turns away people who have no options to get better or improve, without treatment. He also said something about how if we can't even get CHIP to pass, what chance does mental health have? I agreed, although didn't realize the CHIP thing was vetoed until I came home and saw it online. I had mentioned in general the various bills in front of Congress, and such, and that I think it'd be great if they could do some shows on those.
SO, just think of me as the awareness fairy, sprinkling increased awareness of mental health issues pixie dust, wherever I roam . . . .
Get out your wands, and spread the IAMHI pixie dust. It's free, and it's sparkley (in my mind, so appropo), and it's good for society. Zero calories, fat, or carbohydrates. It makes you feel goooooood . . . . . if someone asks you what you are doing, just tell them, "I AM HI*"
*Note: Perhaps not to a cop or doctor. Hee hee.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Organizing via Customizable Planners in General & Specifically for Mental Health Issues
I stumbled across a site called DIY Planner - this site happens to have all sorts of printable forms, pages, what-have-you, for pages to fit both physically as well as with the principals of most any planner system/organizing methodology out there, such as Stephen Covey's or David Allen's GTD (Getting Things Done). You can also create your own templates (there will be a guide to facilitate this, as well), and browse, download, and print those which have been designed by other users. I note that a recent template created or suggested by a user is a Radio/chemotherapy side effects journal, which states that it
As you can see, the potential for a great deal of personalization and usefulness is inherent in this excellent and most helpful array of personal productivity printable pages, templates, and such.
There is more helpful information to be had there; I highly recommend browsing the Article Topics at the top left side of the page, as clicking through will pull up all the posts regarding that subject.
I'm not endorsing any particular method, system, or school of thought on time, life, or personal management, but I DO like to cherry-pick concepts that I feel are enlightening and beneficial for me and use them when and where applicable. There are a variety of personal/time/life management topics efficiently tagged and organized at this website, as an additional resourcel.
I am not affiliated with any of these sites in any way; I just appreciate a potentially helpful resource when I see one and thought that I'd share my finds with you. Also, one could customize some planner pages for PieBolar-blog related topics such as tracking your moods, which would be helpful for assessing your stability and effectiveness of your meds; remembering therapy and/or psychiatrist appointments; tracking your meds themselves including dosage, changes, instructions, side effects, things to watch out for, for which side effects you've been instructed to call your doc ASAP or for which do you go to the ER, etc.
In fact, I may customize a template or two for the medications issues, myself! In many illnesses, chronic conditions, injuries, etc. and combinations thereof, one can end up on a sometimes daunting array of prescriptions. I think centralizing the information on my medicines will be helpful to me, because instead of having a variety of Rx bottles floating around the apartment with the associated name, dosing, date, whether refills are left, pharmacy number, prescribing doc, etc., information also scattered hither and yon, I'd have a beneficially simple process and conveniently accessible locale for this supremely important personal data.
One last thing I found, that I may be utilizing for myself that I discovered today is Free Goal Setting.com; you can have your goal email itself to you weekly, as a nice reminder, if it suits you.
"is a powerful self-monitoring tool for use in conjunction with a personal diary.
This is a week on two pages, Radio/chemotherapy journal in Classic/half-letter as requested by one of our members."
As you can see, the potential for a great deal of personalization and usefulness is inherent in this excellent and most helpful array of personal productivity printable pages, templates, and such.
There is more helpful information to be had there; I highly recommend browsing the Article Topics at the top left side of the page, as clicking through will pull up all the posts regarding that subject.
I'm not endorsing any particular method, system, or school of thought on time, life, or personal management, but I DO like to cherry-pick concepts that I feel are enlightening and beneficial for me and use them when and where applicable. There are a variety of personal/time/life management topics efficiently tagged and organized at this website, as an additional resourcel.
I am not affiliated with any of these sites in any way; I just appreciate a potentially helpful resource when I see one and thought that I'd share my finds with you. Also, one could customize some planner pages for PieBolar-blog related topics such as tracking your moods, which would be helpful for assessing your stability and effectiveness of your meds; remembering therapy and/or psychiatrist appointments; tracking your meds themselves including dosage, changes, instructions, side effects, things to watch out for, for which side effects you've been instructed to call your doc ASAP or for which do you go to the ER, etc.
In fact, I may customize a template or two for the medications issues, myself! In many illnesses, chronic conditions, injuries, etc. and combinations thereof, one can end up on a sometimes daunting array of prescriptions. I think centralizing the information on my medicines will be helpful to me, because instead of having a variety of Rx bottles floating around the apartment with the associated name, dosing, date, whether refills are left, pharmacy number, prescribing doc, etc., information also scattered hither and yon, I'd have a beneficially simple process and conveniently accessible locale for this supremely important personal data.
One last thing I found, that I may be utilizing for myself that I discovered today is Free Goal Setting.com; you can have your goal email itself to you weekly, as a nice reminder, if it suits you.
Monday, June 25, 2007
This blog's content rated movie-style!
Mingle2 - Online Dating
The funniest part, is the following:
This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
* crap (2x) * death (1x)
I just about died laughing when I read that! See, I agree with the rating, given the intensity and rawness of some of the posts, the depth of exploration of issues of mental illness, mental health, and such that I do here (not often enough, as of late), the bareing of my struggle . . .
So, after thinking THAT, it was so hilarious to me to see what the rating was based on.
My blog has lessened in the type of stuff re: mental illness and my experiences with, and issues regarding, in the last year or so. I think, perhaps, that I have so many conflicting feelings about ***************, that I have been and felt . . . . restricted, constricted.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
You Scared Some of the Heck Right Out of Me!
Some recent funnies, from my daughter (the title of this post is the most recent; she just burst out with that 2 minutes ago when hubby startled her!)
DD: Ewww-wwww!
Me: What're you saying ewww-www about?
DD: Puberty!
(recently I had been discussing with hubby that sometime in the next couple of years, she may start puberty; I hope it's 4 or 5 years, but it could be sooner.)
DD: Ants don't have eyelids!
(She says it's because they can't shut them. She was watching Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and the big Ant.)
I'm still giggling inside, and grinning on the outside, from the title of this post; just SOME of the heck? What about the rest of it? Lol . . . .
DD: Ewww-wwww!
Me: What're you saying ewww-www about?
DD: Puberty!
(recently I had been discussing with hubby that sometime in the next couple of years, she may start puberty; I hope it's 4 or 5 years, but it could be sooner.)
DD: Ants don't have eyelids!
(She says it's because they can't shut them. She was watching Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and the big Ant.)
I'm still giggling inside, and grinning on the outside, from the title of this post; just SOME of the heck? What about the rest of it? Lol . . . .
Monday, June 18, 2007
Funny "Page Not Found" Content
Have you ever had one of those "Page Not Found"-type errors, when surfing to an old bookmark link that is now broken, or some other page that the location specified can't find . . . sometimes I've run across one where the IT/Web Guru/Programmer person has used their sense of humor to make this oft-encountered error a little bit more entertaining and less mundane.
For example, when I'm using Google Reader to read new entries in some blogs I read, and I hit "Next Page", or otherwise run out of new entries, it ends up at a Google page seen Here. If you click the link on that funny page, you wind up HERE. A la Clue the movie, if you'd like to see some different endings, you may find several here.
They gave me a pretty good giggle; on one of them I almost hit the back button as a reflex, when seeing the type of "not found" info which comes up; it's formatted JUST LIKE it really would look, except the content is . . . different. Hee hee hee!
I especially like the one that tells you how to get back to the beginning of the internet . . . . I'm tempted to make a joke about my OCD on that one, but that might perhaps be too stereotypical.
The cream of the crop today, is the one below; it was on a Page Not Found type screen, in a small box, like a scrolling chat window. It typed itself out letter and line by line (at a good but not too fast or too slow speed). This really made it "feel" like the server was talking to me, with personality. I thought it really funny, although my mental health stigma antennae went up a little bit after so many mentions of depression, and manic depression. Still, I can take a joke, and it is funny; it'd just be nice if people didn't overdo it so much, as it is a bit overdone, here, which I think is not that helpful. I'm posting it anyway, though, as I think my readers can see the humor, and yet also see the overusage. Anyway, have a good giggle, follow some of the links today, and let me know what you think, and which ones particularly made you laugh!
The requested document is totally fake.
No "/nosuchfile" here.
Even tried multi.
Nothing helped.
I'm really depressed about this.
You see, I'm just a web server...
-- here I am, brain the size of the universe,_
trying to serve you a simple web page,
and then it doesn't even exist!
Where does that leave me?!
I mean, I don't even know you.
How should I know what you wanted from me?
You honestly think I can *guess*
what someone I don't even *know*_
wants to find here?
*sigh*
Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry.
And then where would we be, I ask you?
It's not pretty when a web server cries.
And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?
Just because I'm a web server,_
and possibly a manic depressive one at that?
Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?
Huh?
I'm so depressed...
I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose.
I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?_
What kind of a life is that?
Two nasty little weeks,
and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release,
that thinks it's God's gift to web servers,
just because it doesn't have some tiddly little
security hole with its HTTP POST implementation,
or something.
I'm really sorry to burden you with all this,_
I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems,
and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.
But I couldn't get this one.
I'm so sorry.
Believe me!
Maybe I could interest you in another page?
There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,_
although none of them were put on *my* server, of course.
Figures, huh?
Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.
That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,
all day and all night long.
Two weeks of information overload,_
and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash.
What kind of a life is that?
Now, please let me sulk alone.
I'm so depressed._
For example, when I'm using Google Reader to read new entries in some blogs I read, and I hit "Next Page", or otherwise run out of new entries, it ends up at a Google page seen Here. If you click the link on that funny page, you wind up HERE. A la Clue the movie, if you'd like to see some different endings, you may find several here.
They gave me a pretty good giggle; on one of them I almost hit the back button as a reflex, when seeing the type of "not found" info which comes up; it's formatted JUST LIKE it really would look, except the content is . . . different. Hee hee hee!
I especially like the one that tells you how to get back to the beginning of the internet . . . . I'm tempted to make a joke about my OCD on that one, but that might perhaps be too stereotypical.
The cream of the crop today, is the one below; it was on a Page Not Found type screen, in a small box, like a scrolling chat window. It typed itself out letter and line by line (at a good but not too fast or too slow speed). This really made it "feel" like the server was talking to me, with personality. I thought it really funny, although my mental health stigma antennae went up a little bit after so many mentions of depression, and manic depression. Still, I can take a joke, and it is funny; it'd just be nice if people didn't overdo it so much, as it is a bit overdone, here, which I think is not that helpful. I'm posting it anyway, though, as I think my readers can see the humor, and yet also see the overusage. Anyway, have a good giggle, follow some of the links today, and let me know what you think, and which ones particularly made you laugh!
The requested document is totally fake.
No "/nosuchfile" here.
Even tried multi.
Nothing helped.
I'm really depressed about this.
You see, I'm just a web server...
-- here I am, brain the size of the universe,_
trying to serve you a simple web page,
and then it doesn't even exist!
Where does that leave me?!
I mean, I don't even know you.
How should I know what you wanted from me?
You honestly think I can *guess*
what someone I don't even *know*_
wants to find here?
*sigh*
Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry.
And then where would we be, I ask you?
It's not pretty when a web server cries.
And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?
Just because I'm a web server,_
and possibly a manic depressive one at that?
Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?
Huh?
I'm so depressed...
I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose.
I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?_
What kind of a life is that?
Two nasty little weeks,
and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release,
that thinks it's God's gift to web servers,
just because it doesn't have some tiddly little
security hole with its HTTP POST implementation,
or something.
I'm really sorry to burden you with all this,_
I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems,
and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.
But I couldn't get this one.
I'm so sorry.
Believe me!
Maybe I could interest you in another page?
There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,_
although none of them were put on *my* server, of course.
Figures, huh?
Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.
That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,
all day and all night long.
Two weeks of information overload,_
and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash.
What kind of a life is that?
Now, please let me sulk alone.
I'm so depressed._
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Add Art
Hat tip to MAKE blog, which is where I learned about an upcoming Firefox extension called AddArt.
It'll replace the ads on websites with art from a curated database. That'll make my internet-surfing a delight, for sure!
(Ooo, I've gotta see fine art more; just browsed some Renoir, and the SHEER beauty is just breath-taking! Now I've got a goal to see some Renoirs in person!)
The Garden in Montmartre, 1890, Renoir
It'll replace the ads on websites with art from a curated database. That'll make my internet-surfing a delight, for sure!
(Ooo, I've gotta see fine art more; just browsed some Renoir, and the SHEER beauty is just breath-taking! Now I've got a goal to see some Renoirs in person!)
The Garden in Montmartre, 1890, Renoir
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Whaddaya Know . . . . Good Things CAN Still Happen . . . .
Although I still think it is extremely unlikely, ever, that good things WILL happen. That is what life has taught me.
Anyway, one of the psychiatrists I've left a message for just called me back; I've called a number of them, and some of these have let me know that everyone in their whole BUILDING are not taking new patients, thus wiping a whole slew of names off of my list of psychiatrists off my list.
This iatrist I just spoke with, told me he gets 2-8 people a day calling him, needing a new psychiatrist. Geez, no wonder the psychiatrists around here turned me down; there's no way a psychiatrist could take that many on, they'd get swamped!
I think one reason he took me is because I had mentioned my bad experience with Dr. Brinley, and how I was frightened of seeing a psychiatrist now, and how I haven't been able to find one anyway. Also, I mentioned being referred to him by my ologist; his was one of the names my ologist marked on the list of providers I printed out from UHC's website. Well, Live and Work Well's website, the mental health gateway provider for UHC, or whatever one calls that sort of thing. Mental Health Access Manaqer. That reminds me, I'd better call them to pre-authorize this psychiatrist visit.
From the 20 minutes we spent on the phone (and I am pleased and surprised that he'd take that amount of time to speak with me!), it seems like we will be a really good fit, as far as doctor/patient relationship goes, psychiatrist/patient relationship being a bit different than a GP/patient relationship.
So, I am nervous and scared, but there is good potential here. He'll see me for at least an hour and a half initially, to really find out what's going on and stuff; he asked me to organize my med history, as to what I've been on, how long, when, beneficial effects, side effects, etc. I can SO do that, and would have anyway, but I'm glad he asked. We'll also talk about some other stuff.
Anyway, this is really, REALLY, EXCEPTIONALLY great news. Especially since, the last 4-5 months my meds have been losing effectiveness steadily, it seems.
Wish me luck, and courage, and strength, and stuff!
Otherwise, life sucks, is the pits, horrible, yucky, stupid, awful, horrendous, etc. I try, WITHOUT those attitudes, and still end up in bad places. So no platitudes about, gee, if that's what you see, that's what you GET, please. I prefer not platitudes or easy, pop psychology kind of things, either. My life and situation and mental and emotional health situations are complicated, and much deeper than any platitudes or "just do this, to feel better" things, can approach.
Anyway, one of the psychiatrists I've left a message for just called me back; I've called a number of them, and some of these have let me know that everyone in their whole BUILDING are not taking new patients, thus wiping a whole slew of names off of my list of psychiatrists off my list.
This iatrist I just spoke with, told me he gets 2-8 people a day calling him, needing a new psychiatrist. Geez, no wonder the psychiatrists around here turned me down; there's no way a psychiatrist could take that many on, they'd get swamped!
I think one reason he took me is because I had mentioned my bad experience with Dr. Brinley, and how I was frightened of seeing a psychiatrist now, and how I haven't been able to find one anyway. Also, I mentioned being referred to him by my ologist; his was one of the names my ologist marked on the list of providers I printed out from UHC's website. Well, Live and Work Well's website, the mental health gateway provider for UHC, or whatever one calls that sort of thing. Mental Health Access Manaqer. That reminds me, I'd better call them to pre-authorize this psychiatrist visit.
From the 20 minutes we spent on the phone (and I am pleased and surprised that he'd take that amount of time to speak with me!), it seems like we will be a really good fit, as far as doctor/patient relationship goes, psychiatrist/patient relationship being a bit different than a GP/patient relationship.
So, I am nervous and scared, but there is good potential here. He'll see me for at least an hour and a half initially, to really find out what's going on and stuff; he asked me to organize my med history, as to what I've been on, how long, when, beneficial effects, side effects, etc. I can SO do that, and would have anyway, but I'm glad he asked. We'll also talk about some other stuff.
Anyway, this is really, REALLY, EXCEPTIONALLY great news. Especially since, the last 4-5 months my meds have been losing effectiveness steadily, it seems.
Wish me luck, and courage, and strength, and stuff!
Otherwise, life sucks, is the pits, horrible, yucky, stupid, awful, horrendous, etc. I try, WITHOUT those attitudes, and still end up in bad places. So no platitudes about, gee, if that's what you see, that's what you GET, please. I prefer not platitudes or easy, pop psychology kind of things, either. My life and situation and mental and emotional health situations are complicated, and much deeper than any platitudes or "just do this, to feel better" things, can approach.
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