A Nice Gesture In the Search For a New Psychiatrist

On Tuesday 'round 5pm, I was making a few more calls on psychiatrists. I had started at about quarter 'till . . . why is it I wait until the end of the business day? I'm sure these offices must love this, but apparently at least one clinician takes appointments after five . . . .

One guy, his non-hospital phone number mailbox was full. That doesn't bode well, and I'd guess his practice is full. Upon calling his hospital number, I did get transferred to the floor where he practices and sees patients, but he only sees people ages 55+. I am not sure if that applies to his hospital practice, or to his other address down the street 5 blocks as well . . . .

So my third call, though technically only to the second psychiatrist of the day, was to a man's office - I've never been aware of a woman named "Frederick", although it could happen, I suppose - "Freddie?" anyone? Or perhaps as had happened early in seeing my first psychiatrist, he was either suspended (as in that case) and needed a substitute, or perhaps just on vacation, but . . .

So. I call this Frederick's office, and a nice woman answers the phone. It just seems one of those things that was meant to happen, because no one else was around, and she usually wouldn't have picked it up, because she was in with a patient. I had started to talk before I knew that, but I did not start out with, "Are you accepting new patients?" I had settled, instinctively, on a different approach, which, with the few people I had talked to at the hospital, about the other guy, before I found out about the age thing, it seemed to strike a chord, and even then, they tried to put me through to his hospital voice mail, since they didn't know what kind of patients he saw at the other address.

This approach being, a pretty brief, but emotional, without crying or fakeness, but without hopefully too much desperation, but there's obviously some in my voice, because I don't want to go through 6 months again of a search, . . . I would say something like,

"Well, I'm Sara XYZABCD, and I'm looking for a new psychiatrist. Now, I'm afraid (or, "I fear") you are about to say you aren't taking any (at which point a sound of assent/agreement is usually what I hear), but I will just say that I see a psychologist for therapy, am 37, 8 weeks out from a total knee replacement, have recently lost 13 pounds in 13 days from anxiety, depression, & other reasons and really do not want my physical condition to continue to deteriorate this way, especially after such a major surgery. I see a psychologist for therapy, but my last psychiatrist never called me back when I called him about a potentially life-threatening reaction to a medication. This is also why I am not on an anti-depressant at the moment; too tricky of an issue for my GP.

Now, that right there LOOKS like it takes MUCH longer to say than it actually does. It's pretty quick to say, and even for those who are closed to new patients, they get the gist that I really do need a new psychiatrist, what some of the issues are, it's not assuming failure right off the start like a straight out, "Are you taking new patients?", even though that's sort of in the second phrase of my first sentence in a different form . . .

It's just, from what I can remember of the last search, if you can get a bit of YOU across to the other person, they are much more likely to want to help you, especially if you aren't wasting their time. Especially if you can show that you really are a person in NEED, which I think my little speech shows .

The lady at this Dr. Frederick's ***** office answered the phone, and was apparently in with a patient as I think I may have said, and DID indeed make that sound or word of assent when I got to the part about fearing they were closed to new patients. I went on with the gist of what I had to say, with a little give and take from her, learning she was with someone, not all of what I said above said in that block, and perhaps a little more was said, but I refined it just a little above. She was VERY kind, and sincere in her desire to help. For the second time, she reiterated she was with someone, but that she had two numbers/psychiatrists to refer me to, although she couldn't know if they took my insurance. As she was pulling up the numbers, she encouraged me and said, that if they, too, were closed to new patients, to ask these psychiatrists for referrals, and to keep on going, and to not give up. Some of this was said AFTER she gave me the numbers, as the numbers came up partway through her encouraging me.

She gave me the names and numbers, spelling them out for me as one is an ethnic name, not spelling like it sounded, and then she finished her quick but professional and definitely not brushed off advice about keeping on going - she had learned from me about how it had taken me 6 months last time to find a psychiatrist. We said our final niceties and parted ways, hanging up.

That was the NICEST, most GO OUT OF YOUR WAY for a patient you aren't going to take on, interaction that I've EVER had with a doctor's office of any kind, let alone a psychiatrist's. Based on that alone, I'd recommend, should they ever open up to accepting new patients, this lady highly to anyone. Her manner, and the way she handled things, reminds me of the way that Dinah over at Shrink Rap says she handles things . . . . just the POISE of the lady on the other end, and that little extra something. The whole call was under 3 minutes, and I'm sure she did her best by the patient she had with her. She wasn't even sure why she had picked up the phone . . . . so I'm not sure if it was one of those, "meant to be" kind of things.

I then went on to call and leave a message for the one name of the two she gave me, that is on the list I printed out from my insurance company. I even had it include everybody within 50 miles, although this name isn't that far, it's not as close as I'd hoped; still, doctors tend to refer to those that they've recently known to be accepting patients, although they also know that this status can change.

Or at least I HOPE they refer to those who they know that hey, at Christmas, they told me they were still accepting new patients . . . .

Crossing Fingers! Even if it is an 18 mile drive into the middle of Salt Lake. 7 miles farther than the last one, but beggars can't be choosers. It'd be something, though, if I found one so soon, now, wouldn't it?

Addition before post goes to press, a day after post was written:

Said psychiatrist I was referred to, her office called me back, and she IS taking new patients! Woohoo!!!! They need me to come in to fill out the New Patient Information packet, and copy my Insurance card, and from there they'll make the initial appointment. At first I thought, okay, I think I can get in there in about a week to do that, and told them so. After a few minutes of thought, though, considering that she's currently scheduling appointments into the beginning of March, and I'm not sure what the surgeon is going to recommend (given my recent other health issues I suspect he'd maybe hold off on surgery, even if he ignores the knee degrees), so I thought I'd better try to get in as soon as possible.

First, I called my Mother-in-Law, to see if she could pick me & dd up and head right down there, to arrive when they get back from their lunch break. It's further away than I'd wish, but it beats the pants off of a 6 month search, and it's a sparse market for psychiatrists if you are looking for one that takes insurance, especially YOUR insurance. Psychiatry is one specialty where they tend, apparently, to sometimes or even often practice without taking any insurance at all! Because it's hard to find one, or find one that fits you well, sometimes people DO have to go out of network to find one that works for them, and/or go with one that doesn't take insurance at all and go through a hassle to get some pittance of reimbursement later from their insurance company. I'm glad that it seems I won't have to think about that road, because after having to have probably crossed out a huge chunk of providers that would see my huge MRI bill on their computers and not want to take me on, potentially, and cross off the next biggest block of psychiatrists listed that is apparently a Child & Adolescent practice, and then hitting one who is a Geriatric specialty . . . . aside from the couple of, closed to new patients . . . . well pickings on my 50 mile distance list were looking slim (although the ones over 40 miles I crossed out as too far, anyway; the choices for distance were 25, then 50, so if I wanted to include 30 miles I had to go out to 50 miles).

Not that this prospect is 30 miles out, although round trip is more than, I'll say that much.

My Mother-in-law was free that day to be able to take me and my daughter there at that time, which I am grateful for - I'll have had time to have iced my knee a bit after physical therapy, although my knee is NOT looking forward to the car ride . . . . it's a gonna hurt!!!.

I'm going to attempt to have my list of past psych meds and when and by whom prescribed, typed up - and why they didn't work out, if they didn't . . . . so I can have that handy.

Maybe surgeries too, for the medical history, as a reminder to me. Don't want to get TOO obsessive.

My Blog Post from Monday Sept. 11 2006, as part of the 2996 Bloggers Project

9/11 2,996 Bloggers Tribute - Gricelda E. James

I am still glad that it was Gricelda's name that was given to me to remember. This felt like what I should do today, and I hope her family is doing well.

The link takes you to the blog post where I post about what I found about her and my feelings and remembering her as best as I, a stranger to her but finding we had more in common than I'd know at first, could.

Stuff And Nonsense and No Ooompa Looompah's. Damn It!

I bought a towel today, only because my husband saw it and noted the three smiling dolphins; normally a $20 beach towel, it was on clearance for $6.00. As I am always feeling less than adequately covered by the size of the usual towel, it wasn't a hard decision to grab these smiling faces.

At the moment they are camouflaging the over-the-door shoe holder that is on the back of our front door; I put it over it on a whim, and it almost perfectly covers it. Our living room has ocean, dolphin, and lighthouse-themed items decorating it (well, that's the intended theme, although you'll find Neopets that each of us own, a miniature Star Wars fleet of my husband's, and a MESS of papers; I'm SO bad with papers!) It's a temporary whim, as beach-towel decor is probably not very . . . haute? or whatever the term is. Still, it's near me at my computer desk, and they cheer me up quite nicely, which is quite a thing, these days, and that's no small thing.

I've also recently wiped the C: drive and reinstalled Windows and such, and have not finished reinstalling all my programs; I know there's web apps for fixing graphics, but I just wanted to quickly load it in from the scanner, so crooked is how it remains for now! My computer is still misbehaving though; slowly devolving into a calculator, as I put it.

On another note, today I told my therapist, "Damn you."

Why did I say that, you might ask? Well, I said after a pause, "I come in here all seeing no reason to be or anything, and you somehow find a way to have me all talking about the future again and stuff . . . . . you get to me and help me, darn you!"

We had a good laugh together, because by the end of that, that's how it was. At the beginning of it, it seriously was a reflection on how I had started out the appointment, but was at the 2/3 point through it, and realized the shift, and was like HEY how did this happen???!!!??

Sort of, but really! But not, but it's not like I'm saying therapy is devious, or that the therapist is devious; it's not and he's not. It's just that my mood the last session and this one, well, it's been difficult, to say the least. And then all of a sudden, from my lips sprung, "Damn you, you helped me!!!!" kind of thing, if you know what I mean, kind of!!! Sort of like, despite my less rational self's efforts, the mania I've been having and just things being so fear-filled and other things, that somehow my more rational self was brought out through it, and worked throughout the pain, and the grey, and the pall, and the ineffableness of it all.

It's really hard to explain, especially since I'm not the swearing sort, at least not conversationally. If I stub my toe or bang my leg on the stupid corner of the foot of the bed for the umpteenth time, that's something different (although perhaps a goal to be worked on at some point; I will strive not to judge myself right now because I have other things on my plate at present of higher priority to myself.)

Things have been really, really, REALLY difficult inside, and I can use your thoughts and prayers, or whatever your form of well-wishing may be. I'd surely appreciate it at this time.

Thank you!

Hello Mellow

Maybe all those years of Barry Manilow have finally sunk in?

If I was in an online game right now, I'd do /giggle self . . . . .

I do seem to have been a bit med-focused lately, but it's been sort of our own little medical ward here lately it has felt like.

Like a medical tv show, only more boring.

The panic attack was triggered by a question regarding any conditions I or husband (dd's father) may have, at the end of the Instacare appointment (she was throwing up as he entered the room, thus the history occuring at the end). By this time I had repeated dd's bronchitis story 3+ times in less than an hour so I started mechanically listing stuff off, "Oh geez, let's see - bipolar, OCD, agoraphobia, panic disorder . .. . . " yada yada, more stuff, and then I got to the knee and mentioned that, and the recent arhtroscopy, and the diagnosis, that was said to be because of genetics, and extremely bad, unpredictable, extremely early osteoarthritis, etc.

Anyway, that's pretty much about the gist, maybe not the exact words, but basically what I said, and the quantity thereof, but when I got to the knee part I just started crying; not SOBBING, just tears started rolling as I kept talking, and I became emotional - I was embarrased about that, but kept going with trying to answer his question as briefly as I felt I could. I was pretty brief! And you know how I can go on.

I get overwhelmed easily, though - listing off all my conditions like that, especially after explaining what had been going on with my daughter over, and over, and over . . . . and then at the end, not being able to control my emotion (the doctor was very kind, he was standing actually near me, I was sitting, obviously it's not been a month yet since surgery, although it's getting there) and he put his hand on my shoulder in empathy and understanding - I believe he could tell I was embarrassed about my tears, as well as that obviously I had just seen the results of a difficult diagnosis, seen inside my knee, and all that.

So, he finishes up with a cheery statement about, "But, your daughter is going to be just fine, so that's GREAT!", and gives me an encouraging (but non-patronizing) smile, tells us we're done, can go, reiterates some instructions, and then is gone.

We're quickly back out in the waiting area, waiting for our ride home, and it's been 5 mins or less since the emotions came out, and I have the panic attack. I feel like an idiot about the whole interaction there, at the end of the appointment. Or I felt like it, anyway, to a large degree (I've since discussed it in therapy, as well as having applied some techniques at the time and afterwards to try to counter and cope with the attack, etc.)

All you would have seen is a mother and daughter, the daughter having fun looking at fish, and a stressed out, tired and perhaps pained-looking mom, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Perhaps looking tense or really tense, I am unsure exactly of quite how I looked, but I do know that I was able to "contain the damage", or keep the attack from escalating, in one area, by telling myself that really all I looked like was someone sitting there silently crying.

I just hate that it makes no sense.

Panic attacks, or the "little" "things" one panics over. I'm not a robot tho, nor am I an entirely emotional being, without logic or/nor intellect. Sometimes the conflict between the two can lead to a panic attack. The problem(s) with balance(ing)(es) can and do often lead to panic attack(s) as well.

Balance. Something I've never, ever, EVER been good at.

Guess this post doesn't sound mellow!

I did want to fulfill my promise to talk about the panic attack, though!

I'm si5tting here, with the door open, soaking up the late aftenoon sun, enjoying the day, and just FEELING it, and feeling mellow.

I also had a really good therapy session earlier today. I postponed the appointment from earlier this week due to my daughter's illness. She was asleep with a 104 fever and had recently had medicine to bring it down, and I wasn't going to wake her up to drag her out so's hubby could drop me off for therapy. So I called and canceled, apologizing with a short explanation and asking for a reschedule. Sometimes as a parent you have those choices. Plus I don't have a driver's license, and even if you ignored that, I recently had surgery, so driving wouldn't be a good idea, especially with a stick shift.

Anyway, think of the Sheryl Crow song, "I'm Gonna Soak Up Some Sun" or whatever it's called, and that's what I'm doing, and mellowing out. Oh, and listening to all the hoopla over the American Idol top three finalist, Archuletta (I always mix up his first name w/someone else's) being HERE, in Salt Lake City, today. The kid can sing, that's for sure.

Gonna go read a magazine outside in the sunshine! See ya'll!

Is there a House (M.D.) in the Anesthesiologist?

Yes indeedy.

At my post-op appointment a week after surgery with my orthopaedic surgeon, his first question was "Did you have any problems with the staff?".

I do not know if this is a routine question, but I thought it curious of him to ask that right off the bat . . . . it just so happened that I had had a problem, as several readers may know who attended a Dr. Anonymous BlogTalkRadio Show a few days after my surgery. There's a chat room there associated with the show, and the listeners chat amongst each other as the show goes on, sometimes about things unrelated to the show and of course quite often and most likely about things mentioned in, related to, and/or regarding the show or it's topics, and/or Dr. Anonymous or his guest(s)/caller(s).

Anyway, regarding the Anesthesiologist referred to in the title, and that I had a problem with when I responded to my surgeon's question above, here's what happened that bothered me.

I had been prepped for surgery, and the anesthesiologist came in to the prep area and started his part of things, and started asking questions, his first being, "Did you take your meds this morning?" I responded, "Yes", and he replied with something like, "Good girl. Even the psych meds?" I said, "Yes." He replied, "Good! That's so I can stand to be around you!".

Now, I understand that this MAY have been in jest; earlier, my surgeon had been in, and I had declared my nervousness - he had said, "The good news is, I'm not!" - This made me smile as well as helped relieve my nervousness too! Some joking around and such can be helpful to relieve anxiety and such, and so perhaps the anesthesiologist was just trying to be funny, part of me can see that, and can see that perhaps he just ended up being "funny" in a way that, in the very least, is insensitive, if not outright offensive, judgmental, prejudicial, crass, boorish, cruel, arrogant, and narcissistic, among other things.

The thing is, he repeated that last offensive sentence or its equivalent one more time a few minutes later, and perhaps one more time, before leaving the prep area. I feebly joked about my sleep-punching, I suppose in a passive-aggressive way of trying to sort of "defend" myself from this horrid attack upon myself that I felt. Of course, this man was going to be in charge of me whilst I was under anesthesia, of which I was very aware, so I just did not say much of anything, or tell him what I thought of what he had said to me or of his manner (he seemed to act rather brash, arrogant, and narcissistically with and to the nurses, orderly-types, and other operating-type assistants moving about the prep and operating areas and corriders as well, so while I tried to think the best of him and think it was just an insensitive stumble of a joke, his manner and the repetition of it kind of led me to think otherwise . . .. .)

The man's grandiose manner possibly did not leave room for any awareness on his part that he had caused any offense at all - that possibility I was also aware of. That is okay. Should I have further procedures requiring anesthesia there, I will request, if it is possible to do so beforehand, a different anesthesiologist.

It occurs to me also, though, on the one hand, the most important quality in an anesthesiologist is, well, how good is he or she at anesthesiology? Doesn't matter if his or her personality is as narcisisstic as Narcissus himself (of mythology), or as bland as plain white rice . . . . can they do the job WELL, do they know the unusual rare things that can happen and what to do if so (no one knows everything but to a reasonable degree), do they handle themselves expertly under pressure and emergency, do they handle themselves well with colleagues in the operating environment (which IS where personality would play a role, in a manner, but other people have to obey him, so his arrogance fits there, I suppose . . . . I dunno) . ..

Then again, since I watch the television medical drama House from time to time (not because some of the dreadful things he says are acceptable - the opposite, in fact, is the case - twas unusual from my Mormon perspective to see him have a "go" at a Mormon character - there aren't too many of those on TV, I suspect it was because of the Presidential race - he used comments as unacceptable as those he's used with his Jewish associate(s) or underlings . . . . in a way, he treated them the same across the board, but none of the despicable comments and treatment were acceptable. I think this show tries to SHOW that, in his extreme behavior. I enjoy the medical mysteries, though.

In my answer to my orthopaedic surgeon regarding any problem(s) I'd had with any staff member(s), I replied in the affirmative, he inquired as to who, I replied with the anesthesiologist's name (he did not look surprised), he asked why (although seemed to know before I said anything that it was going to be that the guy was a jerk) and I explained. My phrasing of what the anesthesiologist said is a bit off - it was actually WORSE than what I put above, but as time goes on, I just can't remember - things that send me into a shock of some kind, emotionally at the time, I have a hard time remembering later. I believe PeggiKaye or someone else from Dr. A's show from that week might remember better than I, at this point. I was still in shock, at that point.

I'll update on knee later, let me just say an ultrasound on lower left leg for DVT (blood clot) suspected, turned out negative for any, YAY!!!!

p.s. I could go another decade w/out typing anesthesiologist that's a long word lol w. lots of vowels s's etc. lol. Please chime in with what you think about this.

Just a Quackie

I don't want the kind of hits I'd get if I titled the post something else, so I borrowed Shrink Rap's duck for a few. I don't think they mind . . .

Anyway, perhaps more later, if I haven't lost MY mind first.

Tomorrow's schedule is looking a bit nuts.

8:00 am - psychologist (technically today he is still on vacation, but given the circumstances, he called me back and even would have seen me today but our answering machine light didn't show the new msg so by the time I got his later call it was too late to be seen today - because of extenuating circumstances he was more than willing to get me in as soon as we could. Weds. I'd be groggy and less than 24 hrs since surgery, probably too soon, because here's the next part of the schedule -

8:50-9:00 Finish appt. (Sometimes he gives the extra time, highly likely this time given situation.)

9-10 am run a few last minute errands perhaps, drop state taxes off in the mail (that I'm finishing up in a few minutes from now {today/Monday}, although of course I'll be e-filing the federal}, because I've been afraid to address the stupid out of the normal back pay SSI stuff, broken down into three separate years which I finally have the information regarding the individual amounts by year, received recently.

11:30 - Show up to Ortho Surgical Center (Hopefully be in surgery by 12:30? Not sure how long before I am?)

Not sure what happens next, besides the pain part.

Weds. my parents are up to help, as my hubby has to work. Tues my MIL is there waiting with my hubby as they operate, also one of the two can get dd from school . . . . . Yay for family!!!!

Thursday I have a psychiatrist appointment. That's gonna be fun. More pain. In the knee, I mean, if I wasn't clear.

Lots of appointments! And lots of stuff all at once. I may have more later, maybe.

Making lots o'calls today. Besides thank goodness for family, thank goodness for an empathetic psychologist, who is willing to work with me in an unusual situation at the end of his vacation to get me seen, especially with a lot of potentials for panic attacks ramping up that I've been fighting (have some things/strategies and plans in place and activities and other stuff I might talk about later today, or some other time, about what I have thought through and planned to help fight that panic as I sit there at the clinic, waiting, etc., . . . . hopefully these helps will be helpful!!!!)

TTFN, Perhaps Later.

If I don't "see" you guys again though until after my knee thing, wish me luck (yeah, it's only an arthroscopy, but to me I have this maze of fears and all sorts of things I have to fight and plan out and fight and figure out if I can handle and stuff . . . it's not JUST a routine thing, for me . . . . it's a whole host of a bunch of things I have to deal with, for me. A whole bunch of battles, that I have to face and fight and march through, and fight, and and and etc.

See ya!

Pressure and I, Well, We're Like Matter & AntiMatter . . . .

Put me together with alot of pressure and something is gonna explode, some way, somewhere. I'm not saying that in a way of, oh, it's just gonna happen, I can't help it, but in a, I've fought my whole life, and I REALLY FIGHT HARD when I'm under pressure, but hell when everything's falling to pieces um I'm kinda doing alot trying to grab hold of things already starting to shoot off in different directions already . . . . . dunno if I can keep the lid on, guess we'll see.

Anyway, more tomorrow.

You may not know, but I have an arthroscopy on Tuesday. Not sure what time yet, he does his shoulders (as they put it) first, I'll find out tomorrow what time, and tomorrow we'll work thru about specifics on which of my meds to maybe take and not take (cause, um one of my morning meds is a stimulant, that's not so good for general anesthesia, I'd bet . . . . lol).

Arthroscopy may not sound like much to many of you, but it's alot to me, especially considering what the likely next step will be, etc, although I'm not sure as to the timeline of that "next" step.

Anyway, more tomorrow, lots to do.

LOTS of pressure. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. I don't do pressure. I try with all my being. EVERY time. Despite the I don't do pressure thing, I still throw mywhole self at it, because that's what I do, and still I . . . well that leads nowhere good, so I'll stop. For now. Psychologically, I'm not in a good place, and I haven't seen the psychologist last week, he was on vacation, and the week before that I hadn't been scheduled for this surgery yet, and now it's scheduled right for when we'd usually meet . . . . so that's all screwed up too . . . (he's very understanding tho, I've left him a message.)

Hopefully I can see him later in the week; I already have a psychiatrist appt. for two days after surgery, that I had long before I knew I'd be having outpatient surgery. The ortho people said it's fine to go out and stuff by then so that's good (except the pain part.)

Ok, ramble over, see ya tomorrow. I'm having a tough time, think, pray, whatever of, about me, whatever, cross fingers, k? I'd appreciate it.

p.s. my word verify is poovil(dh) ha

An Approximation of What My Psychiatrist Looks Like

Mr. & Mrs. Pump
Originally uploaded by David Clow - Maryland

I was browsing through Flickr one day, when I happened upon this fine photo of some "dressed up" gasoline pumps.

Amusing, colorful, bright, and fun, I thought, for such usually mundane objects.

I do not mean any of this to imply that my psychiatrist is gassy, nor full of hot air, although he does tend to go on and on . . . .but that isn't why this photo reminded me of him.

The more prominent gasoline pump, the masculine one, if you will - the one on the left, in the foreground - a closer representation of my psychiatrist in gas station pumpery I daresay you will never find.

Save for the fact that this particular pump is represented in what appears to be a, perhaps, 70's style "leisure suit", which my psychiatrist has not been seen to wear in my presence (I do not think any clothing that even involves the word "suit" has passed his way in quite some time, but then again, I only see him at his office, so how do I know!), it represents him rather well . . . . .

He's kinda hippie-ish, although he doesn't exactly dress like a hippie. His hair kinda fits that, hippie-ish thing, though.

Anyway, if you wanted to know what my psychiatrist looks like, there you go.

Some Lawyers Really SUCK (Sorry Stephen!), and SS Disability Stuff

So, today I finally get around to doing something I've been procrastinating - calling my "good 'ole" disability lawyer's office.

Why, you may be thinking, would I need to call them?

Well, as I've been working on my taxes (this is the latest by far, for as long as I can remember, that we've done our taxes - we usually do them in late January or the first few days of February!

The awarding of SSI, including back pay covering the years 2003 through 2006 (since the regular monthly payments started at the beginning of last year) being paid in two different lump sum installments last year kind of complicates our taxes a bit. I had thought perhaps Social Security would send us some kind of a statement, like my parents get, but they didn't.

So, I thought to call the disability lawyer's office, figuring that if they didn't know how much of the back pay was for each of the "back" years, then they could at least direct me to the appropriate person or sub-department at the local level Social Security offices that they deal with all the time, that have the people who handle the cases like mine on an ongoing basis who could help me with this information.

Apparently, about a month after the Judge made his decision, there was a mailing that was very detailed (yep, aLOT of legalese, and I DID read through it, although I had to take breaks every half-page or so, despite it's being double-spaced, or my head would have exploded, lol!). I knew it was, and would be, VERY important for me to understand what was being said, and what it would mean for me, and what it MEANT.

I do not recall any list or break-down of how the back-pay sum(s) (there were two, one to be paid very early in 2007, the other, later in the year) were made up of the SSI they owed me and were now paying me, from '03, '04, '05, and '06. I did not see any amounts shown by year, like that - just the two back-pay amount installments that were to be paid at two different points in 2007, covering the SSI payments from 2003 through 2006.

Now, reporting these amounts broken out by year shouldn't affect my old taxes, because there's a threshold at which the SSI doesn't get taxed at all, and I'm pretty well certain that it's such a pitiful amount, especially with our very low income, that there's no way it'd be taxed. Then again, when you get into the years when we started getting the EIC . . . who knows. I DO know though, that STILL there is that THRESHOLD that must be gone over first before the social security starts getting taxed, at anywhere from 20% of the amount of it being able to be taxed, to up to 80% of it being able to be taxed.

Anyway, that's a side trip that's not really the point at the moment.

The point is, I called the disability lawyer's office. Over the course of time, especially in the last 6-8 months, I've come to the conclusion that I was not competent to make the decision that I was asked to make at the hearing, that I was under alot of pressure to make, and, (pardon the language here mom, but it fits) as a quote from a movie that fits particularly well here, for anyone who's seen "How to Lose a Man in 10 Days", I Call Bullshit when he says there was no pressure from him. Oh HELL yeah there was, it may have been couched in legalese and with disclaimers of we can go forward and make appeals and of course I am at your service and we don't have to give up your right to appeal and yada yada xyz, (of course, I do understand it's his job to lay things out, and lay things out like, as things stand, with what the judge is saying and has just said, and what the expert has said and has decided, and what they said just now, the only way you will get any money right now would be SSI only, and that only, would be if you give up your right to any appeal, etc. I do understand he had to lay that out, it's his job. There's other stuff about how he was, and crap, that I believe was pressuring. Besides, he's got incentive to be; he doesn't get paid unless we win some sort of monetary award.)

Anyway, I made an OFFHAND remark about how I didn't feel like I was competent to have made that decision and HOO BOY does he go into CYA mode, and BAM the . . .what's the word (major aphasia problems the last few days, as my in-laws and hubby can attest), the word for that ironwork gate that can slam down in the front archway of a castle after you've come over the drawbridge that can be raised and lowered? Ugh, see how long it took to type that, and I STILL can't come up with the word!!!!

Oh, man, does he get so aggress and just start ATTACKING me like I'm some hostile witness on the stand, on Law and Order or something . . . I felt like I was pinned under a fusillade of arrows (see, I can come up with a word like fusillade!!! woot!!!)

I'm still very emotional about it, and crying now . . . geez. He was all like, no one adjudicated you incompentent to make that decision, I didn't adjudicate you incompentent to blah blah whatever . . . . (and I was sitting here stunned, on the other end of the phone . . . . there'd never been any question as to my compentence about going to the hearing or anything . . . of course, I've always known I don't do well under pressure, but this decision, that he asked the judge permission for to take us aside, outside of the formal hearing room for . . . . it was one of those do or die moments, it was one of those . . . um, DAMN HIGH PRESSURE things . . . There was ALOT of pressure, I reiterated to this LAWYER.

Anyway, eventually I said, look. I'm sitting here in alot of pain (because I was, and I am, my knees are killing me, they've almost collapsed under me in non-painful moments recently), there's been several deaths in the family, I've had a new, far-reaching unpleasant diagnosis, I'm NOT mad at you, in fact I think of you fondly (I don't know if that last one is a lie; sometimes my me-ness retreats into the back of my head and I'm not there anymore and the rest of me operates on automatic because I can't cope, I just can't . . .ok, here I go again, tearing up . . . damnit . . .) I just had to get him to stop. I also pictured him working up some paperwork JIC (just in case I should ever decide to sue him for malpractice or something, you could tell he was thinkin it, he was certainly attacking me!!! geez.)

Anyway, I then gave him a compliment of some sort, I can't remember what it was, but all of a sudden he went from this . . . picture a hairy bear of a monster, teeth and claws and impossibly wide tall open devouring mouth like a cavern open to devour and then transformed into a pleasant human being, southern gentleman charm, slight accent and all, like a switch had been flipped; the geniality, the friendliness and cordiality, . . . . . this, too, was jarring and creepy in it's own way, as to how suddenly it was there, although it was soothing as well and I think I kinda unretreated from the back of my head a bit (not sure that's the best description, but then again since I wasn't all there (um, that could probably lead to some jokes, lol) I'm not exactly sure how to describe it anyway.

Part of me understands, that since lawyers are trained in legal stuff, they naturally think defensively, but STILL. I wouldn't sue a fly! Geez. I don't hate the guy, and I think in large part it's the system that has built some incentive into for the disability laywers to have some incentive to act, perhaps unconsciously or not-so unconsciouly depending on the integrity of the lawyer (this one seems to have more than others I've seen advertised, at any rate) in their own interests to some degree - they do NOT get paid unless they win a monetary award of some kind, which, I think, may lead to some compromises that may not always be in the best interests of the client.

Whether or not the compromise in this case was in my best interests . . . . I don't know. I am not sure further appeals would have done any good, although I do know that both the judge and the expert flat-out IGNORED evidence from my family doctor that was BEFORE the dates that ended eligibility for full social security disability . . . . .

Anyway, it's in the past.

Hakuna Matata? That can be a good or a bad phrase, depending on how it's used, when, how, and why, I suppose. In the movie, not so good.

At least my behind, is in my past. Reverse that (channelling my inner Willy Wonka, and the word-mess-ups in this paragraph were all a-purpose, cause I needed some humor!)

Well, I guess this post also had some broader commentary on the Social Security disability application, hearing, adjudication, SSI, payment, and back-pay processes, as well as some more personal discussion of some of my experiences, which I've been meaning to discuss, anyway.

It also occurred to me, as I was typing, that I know it's probably wise to never say never in regards to reserving one's rights to further appeal in legal matters (or perhaps in regards to suing perhaps for the fact that I don't believe I was competent to be forced into making such an on-the-spot decision in such a pressured situation, which is exactly one of the things that sets off some of the mental health problems and disabilities of which they had just been browsing through in all their folders, ugh!!!) that my posting about this stuff could perhaps come back to bite me in the, er, proverbial behind (which is the past, hee hee), should I ever decide to pursue further appeals on the disability front . . . . but the process was so horrific, I can't foresee that.

It still might be unwise of me to post this, and I still feel that I was pressured, but I'm posting anyway.

What I'd like to happen the most out of this is that my experience be of some kind of help to others, whether in just reading about my struggles or in seeing a glimpse of the process, perhaps. I believe that this is far more likely to happen than a suit on the issue of competence or on the right to appeal.

As I say in the sidebar under Noodleheads regarding my friend Stephen of the blog Ethesis, he really does brighten up that whole Lawyer thing. There is hope in the legal world yet! They are not all people who can turn on you one second, and pull a bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers out of their sleeves the next.

The oddness of the call DID remind me of the inhuman jokes regarding lawyers that I'm assuming most people have heard, though. I guess lawyers need to perform in court, and being able to act, being able to turn different aspects of ones' self on and off, would probably be a handy trait to have, but geez, it was unnerving to be on the receiving end of, and I'm still MORE than unsettled by it!

The lawyer is sending me a copy of the paperwork that they say I have, that they say has the breakdown of the back-pay lump sums into year-by-year amounts, but they are sending me the paper anyway.

Yahoo!!!! I did what I've been putting off, and now it is done!

I phoned the knee doc and made an appointment, which is something I've been putting off as well.

Sorry to go on so long. Whew. I'm a bit emotionally wasted, perhaps I'll seek some online gaming out for relaxation . . . . . I'm PROUD AS HELL (sorry moms again . . .) that I came through that lawyer's barrage, even though I apparently checked out, during part of it. Gah, here come the tears! Ok, enough. Talk to you later, and yeah Stephen, I know you guys and gals in your profession aren't all like that.

Would you mind writing a guest post for me sometime? I'd be honored if you would! Your level of writing is just . . . . well, it's quite something, my friend.

*Note: I am not a lawyer, doctor, mental health practitioner or expert in any of those or any field referenced above or anything. Just a person with some troubles, blogging away.

Inspired By Another Blog, Today - "Be Present, Be Here" Blog

Here is a brief partial quote from towards the end of the most recent post of this blog, to give you a taste of what inspired me, of what touched me, and of what runs completely to the heart of me and parts of what my experience in life are, at this time, at this place, at this being-ness, at this state . . . .

the push and pull of life can be exhausting and push me to places and thoughts and fears that i do not want to live inside let alone pass through. yet, i keep going. i begin to . . . . .

Please go HERE for the post & blog I am referring to. Again, the blog is entitled, Be Present, Be Here.

Perhaps Another Part of Luke's Training?

I could have been E.T!....
Originally uploaded by waihey

I betcha there were bits that didn't make the final cut of the movie . . . . . ha ha ha ha ha . . . .

Or maybe he was trying to train Luke to "B Good.".

Anyway, this brought me a smile today, and I thought I'd share the smile, since this Flickr photo is one that it's owner has allowed the "Blog this photo" option on.

Now I've got an urge to "phone home". Do you?

Square Meal, & a Not So "Square" Grandfather

Square food is tasty
Originally uploaded by shookiemookie

I live in a desert, a watermelon could sure qualify as a meal around here, sometimes!

They do have the regular round/oval variety in Japan, but they grow them square for a higher price/ease of shipping/ease of storage/convenience for the consumer, should they want to pay the price.

Sure looks funny, though! I want to know if they grow the yellow innards watermelon square, too? Tastes just like the red, but your eyes keep telling you that you should be tasting something different.

I just thought I should post something, since it's been a stretch.

There's been a couple deaths in the family; my maternal grandfather, and one week later, an uncle of my dad's. Then, a few days ago, word came that my MIL's dad was being life-flighted to the hospital and it didn't look good. He's still here, and doing ok (as far as I know so far), but February was a tough time with the two blows for my parents, and I feel so much for them. I feel for my husband and his family as well.

My mom's dad's passing has brought up a lot of complicated emotions in me. I keep telling myself it was HIM choosing to not be like a grandfather to me; there was nothing wrong with me. Of course, when he goes to my siblings' weddings (the ones that got married) and not mine, it makes me wonder what the hell is so wrong with me . . . . anyway, HE chose to not act as my grandfather. HE chose this. It was about HIM and HIS flaws, not about me. A man can be a coward, despite having served in the Navy during WWII in the Pacific, and in Japan during the Korean War (gee, I bet that last one was dangerous).

My mom is ok with all this talk; I wouldn't disrespect her in her grief; she told me it was ok to type out whatever I wanted here. I may have more, but it's taken me awhile just to get this little bit out.

Not that square watermelons have anything to do with it, but I guess Japan does, kinda . . . ..

It's A-Maze-ing To Me

In a discussion elsewhere, as I was responding to a friend, part of what I said is the following:

I just have a maze of fears I have to navigate in my mind, in order to try to function, and sometimes that comes out in the maze of words and maze of verbal construction that I term/put things in, in order to be able to say it at all.

I thought that a REALLY good explanation of what alot of my struggle is. It uses up ALOT of me, of my energy - even physical, not just mental - as this is very basic to how I interface with the world, kind of like how someone with autism has their own basic things that are on a fundamental level of interfacing with the world.

Different struggles, but in one angle of thinking about it, I thought, HEY, this goes to show to what depth and degree of interference and struggle I'm even starting from, when it comes to doing anything. I thought it a good, though brief, explanation and illustration of the problem, although perhaps it might not make sense to some, or perhaps many.

It's one of the layers of interference that takes effort to push through, to run through that maze in my mind, in my words, in and with my relationships, in and with my feelings and thoughts about those relationships, or about anything; also about, regarding, and involving my actions - actively taking alot of energy to sort, filter, run the maze, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. in thought, word, feeling, and deed.

The title of this post is a play on some of the lyrics in the song, "When You Say Nothing At All", which is kind of funny, because all this effort and energy is being expended even when, and sometimes ESPECIALLY when, I'm saying nothing at all . . . .

200 miles in 2008

An old post from almost a year ago I stumbled across, here, has inspired me to a very modest goal of my own. My goal is 200 miles in 2008. That works out to @ .55 mile(s) a day. On average.

Thing is, I AM worried about my knee, but hopefully I'll quit procrastinating and call the dang doctor! I am aggravated by and frustrated with the front desk people at the group practice/Intermountain Health Care clinic/doctor's offices there, as far as trying to get anything useful out of them on a recommendation for and to an ortho. The PA I saw back in August recommended one, and even had an aide call them, to have them call me and set something up right away, but it turned out they were dropping United Health Care insurance within a few weeks (it's a major health insurance, especially here, and this is the only ortho clinic near me, but on the other hand I can understand frustration with insurance company practices, policies, price-setting, and there's part of me that approves of sticking it to UHC because their CEO's and that sort of corporate executive make some of the most ridiculously extravagant and extensive perks and salaries in the health insurance business. There's many reasons they are, I think I've heard, one of the most profitable insurance companies, and I'm sure some of those practices that help them be so are probably part of why this ortho clinic is dumping them)

Woops, side-rant there! It's annoying though, from both sides. Anyway, trying to get anything intelligent out of the desk help (and I've been a secretary and "desk" help in a semi-medical setting, so I don't rant at them lightly, knowing how hard-worked, underpaid, and under-appreciated they are) regarding which providers off the list of UHC ortho's might be good ones, ones my doc has worked with before, anything. The first couple of names I picked were the wrong kind of ortho's, more lifestyle ones, no surgery . . .though they do have some services that I like, like working on nutrition, losing weight, etc. Some of which would possibly not be covered by insurance, but that's ok. Still, I need an arhroscopy (I think that's the term) to see what's going on in there, and possibly new x-rays since it's been awhile since August. I HATE that I have to spend another co-pay just because of the office "help", and I'm going to let them and him know that. We can't spare it, but this hobbling around like a cripple, plus gaining weight from not being able to exercise, are getting old. I know some of it is weight related, but I had all that a year ago, this horrid stuff is from something going on, beyond the arthritis they discovered.

And what's up with just saying, by the way, you have arthritis, here's a scrip for some meds for that.

Nothing about, you'll have this the rest of your life (maybe this goes without saying, maybe much about arthritis is obvious, but for me, it's never been something I've thought about much at all, because I figured when I was 45 or 50 would be when I'd learn more . . . . so seriously, besides knowing it hurts, can get inflamed at times which is why anti-inflammatories like ibuprofen can be good for it (is naproxen one of those, too?), is in the joints, and interferes with functioning at varying times and degrees, that's about all I know. I mean, it'd be nice, and, I think, ESSENTIAL, if a doc would assume less, and TELL me what something MEANS for and to me, not just, by the way, you've got this. That PA (physician's assistant) was nice and all, but still . . . .

Docs, especially GP's (or PA's, my GP was on vacation and also works with a PA who handles some things, you can make an appointment with either but the PA is available much sooner usually) are so pressed-for time, something needs to CHANGE to make it so they can spend a little more time with each patient, geez! Yet not lose money because they might be seeing fewer by a couple, each day . . . . . and then there's all the paperwork, etc. I'm sure Doctor Anonymous, aka Dr. A, can chime in with some comments to this post, from his point of view (he's a GP).

More side-venting there, I guess (makes me sound like a multi-vent volcano, say, like Kilaueua (sp? I'll check it later!)). I understand why it's so hard to get thru to doc or get doc to call back on the phone, at best, I've gotten referred back to the nurse aide (not sure if full R.N.) or the lady that's worked for him since he first opened his practice back in the early 90's (which is when I started seeing him.)

He used to have a solo practice, but about 4-5 years ago moved his practice to an Intermountain Health Care building where some other doctors are, along with a lab, x-rays, etc. Solo practices are a difficult thing indeed to do, these days.

Okay, so back to the 200 miles in 2008 goal. I think I can do this, I KNOW I can. Some days my knee is better than others, and I'll keep it in mind; I can only walk a certain distance before the muscles stiffen from about 5" above the knee to about 5" below the knee and it can become like a tree trunk. So, I often ride those cart things around and about a store, nowadays, since however this "injury" or whatnot happened earlier this summer. I feel like an old cripple!

Anyway. I can walk some, and I can't stand the feeling I'm putting on weight. I may just be losing muscle weight and gaining belly girth, and working out to the same weight, but I've GOT to feel like I'm doing something about this!!!! I feel capable of actually starting a somewhat regular exercise regime since starting a med back in May; I started slowly and carefully, but that may be what led to the injury. Still, I'm eager to exercise; the mental health benefits are quite impressive. (anyone else hear that last word or two in Darth Vader's voice in your head as you read along? As the seasonal song says/sings, "Do you hear what I hear . . . . .)

I've got a simple pedometer around here that operates w/something that jiggles around inside; I'm such a geek, though, and I have a way online of tracking the output from a heartrate/pedometer dealie, and seeing graphs and charts from it, that if I could figure out how to get one of THOSE, I know it would also be an extra motivation, to help add to the graphs and charts! Seriously, that kind of thing is my cup of hot cocoa.

I know the ice cream binges I go on sometimes don't help, but those are when I'm approaching or are dangerously depressed; as my psychologist says, it's a bridge, for now, and we can work on the food issues at another time; it IS better than injuring or killing ones' self. Oh, I highly recommend my current addiction in this vein, Dreyer's Ltd. Butterfinger Loaded Ice Cream. Mmmmmmmm . . . .

Woops, back to the healthy stuff. This year, earlier in the year when we were more regularly buying that one apple that I discovered earlier this year that is not a variety I had tried before, that I had found by catching a whiff of a fruity scent I'd not ever tasted before, and that I followed with my nose until I found the source of it; for the LIFE of me the name of the apple is escaping me!!!!! Just like earlier when I was leaving a msg. for my ologist, and talking about efficacy, I kept saying effexor. Word problems, aphasia, etc.

I don't think it's Macintosh, my brain keeps trying to spit out "MacGyver", lol!!!! That's certainly not it, but an example of how my brain keeps looking in the "file folder" near or next to what it actually needs to pull up; you can see the similarity of the words MacIntosh and MacGyver, although they are certainly very different subjects, categories, etc.

I've got alot to say, I guess, and I also am manic since restarting a med at the usual dose, after being without it for most of last week (my husband had to eventually camp out in front of the psychiatrist's office last Friday before he opened and wait for him; he was half an hour late, as usual (why does he schedule 10:00 am appts. anyway if he knows he's usually late, is it because he'd come in at 11:00 am if he started appts. at 10:30?) The lateness thing doesn't bug me so much, a relaxed and more laid back shrink is a good thing. My last appt. with him had some rather uptightness on his part though, repeated a few times too many, which I have some response I need to discuss with him before we can proceed.

Ack. See? My mind is all over the place, I type really fast, but I've got all this stuff whirling inside! It's sort of a "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" kinda feeling, very bouyant, like on that Mythbusters episode where they tested how many helium balloons of the usual size it'd take to lift a person off the ground . . . . .

I've been looking up some low to no impact, as far as the knee thing goes, in the way of exercise online; I've seen references to exercising with one of those big ball things, there's "chair dancing", with some references to seniors doing it but being good for all, various types of water excercising, such as water-jogging, which I'd never heard of before; it involves wearing a flotation device of a usual sort, and being in water where you can't touch bottom, and maintaining a running posture with torso, shoulders, neck, arms, etc. as much as possible while "jogging" with the lower body (ie., avoid the tendency to lean forward in the water, and such). There's other water exercise options too . . . I'm looking also at one of those little bouncy/trampoline small board thingies one can attach to a Pilates or Total Gym type of machine; I have a Total Gym, and they say it's very gentle/low impact, even if the notion seems like it wouldn't be (you are doing it horizontally, one leg at a time, and it LOOKS low-impact, and yet they say it's good cardio . . . .). I s'pose I could pull out the Total Gym and do things not involving the knees, or that knee at any rate, I dunno.

But.

200 miles in 2008. Maybe I'll make up a little graphic, which anyone can use if they put it on their own server or photo upload account, and put in the sidebar of your blog, to show your participation.

If you've made it this far, thanks and congratulations! I might report here how my mileage goes, if I can find that low-tech, perhaps not as accurate, pedometer thing.

I'm also going to figure out how many miles of yarn I have, and how many miles I've knit and crocheted, hee! You wouldn't believe the numbers some fiber crafters have as far as those "stats", lol!

To be cliche, I guess it really is a manic monday . . . . . la la la la la . . .

Edited to add: GALA apples. THAT's the apple I was trying to rememnber! Took me until about 5:30pm to remember that, it just came to me! I also remember I got sidetracked from why I was talking about fruit in the first place; when we have those apples, and grapes when they aren't ridiculously priced (I especially like a variety of green, red, and black; I know the red ones have more anti-oxidants or something, but I just love to taste the differences as well as the visual stimulation of the contrasting, delicious colors!), I actually eat alot healthier, because then I'm full of apple and grape, and not snacking on other stuff. Carrots and baby carrots are great too; dip adds some calories and fat, but it's not too bad; we mix up our own. Pluots (Plum/apricot combo, looks like a plum, and taste is probably 2/3 to 3/4 plum, the rest apricot. It was very pleasant, and actually the pluminess/apricottiness of it was not consistent throughout, they were blended well in many places, but leaned stronger towards one or the other throughtout the fruit; I liked that! It felt like a nice, new, hybrid kind of fruit, and I liked that it felt like a melding without mixing it to completely blended in. Simple things, but they make it ALOT easier to be healthier! They just seem like they are so costly, so extravagant . . .

Disability Application Process: Death by Paperwork

How many trees, exactly, were used in this process, anyway? A ridiculous number, for one person, I suspect.

A post elsewhere reminded me I'd been meaning to post these pages of a form several of my docs each filled out during the process, for my lawyer. In many different forms & questionnaires and such from the SSA, I suppose I also answered in these matters at various times, although, if you are going through the process, you'll see that much of the paperwork is physical disability oriented. How many pounds can you lift, and so forth.

I've said this before, but the process is hell. Part of it is looking, or trying to, look at yourself in terms of how you function, or rather, DON'T function, in certain ways, in certain capacities, to certain degrees.

Hell, just to survive, at least with me, there are many of these things you either don't see about yourself, can't see about yourself, or are sort of "blanked out" via a sort of mental "white-out" (like the office supply) because if you DID see these things, think about them, associate them, think about what it/they MEAN about you . . . . . you'd hate yourself to the depths of the universe and back, even more. You'd even perhaps try to kill yourself (as I once tried, in very, very large part because it hit me, all at once, how very poor my functioning as a human being, as a worker, as a social entity, as anything, was.) As I also came close to doing, at several points during the disability application process. When I say the process is killer, it literally could be, and I bet it has, tragically, caused some to do so.

But they'd rather prevent even one fraudulant, faker claimant (as the judge said, in his own words, though), than approve someone deserving who thought that most of these things about me, were just ME, were just flaws in my character, in my me-ness, in my who I AM-ness, in my Sara-ness, that they were JUST ME, so I had no idea that I should even bring them up to a doctor, many of them anyway. The judge pretty much said that, that they'd rather prevent one fraudulent, than let through one deserving person who had these problems, even though this deserving person had had no idea it was anything other than just being herself, that was the "wrongness". Not in those words, but it was . . . . a very bad day for me.

It was a little over a year ago now, and I still have held off at arm's length much of what this decision meant/means for me.

Anyway, here's a look at some of the jarring out of my blinders/self-protective/not even realizing how bad off I was, though I was, place I was in, when I received a questionnaire back from one of my docs:







Imagine, for a moment, that it is YOU, and you are seeing this look at yourself for the first time . . . you knew there were problems, but to see how a professional assesses you, . . . just try to FEEL that.

Presidential Candidates Compared on Health Plan & Mental Health Parity Issues

Click the title above to go to an article at About.com regarding where the top three presidential candidates from each of the two major parties stand on issues of health insurance and especially the mental health parity issue.

Mental health parity means that insurance companies would have to cover mental illness the same way they treat the coverage of other, traditionally covered with many fewer restrictions (relatively speaking) illnesses, such as diabetes or pneumonia, etc. If they don't limit a diabetic to two doctor visits a year (I'm speaking from a rather unknowledgeable position as regards diabetes), which I don't think they do because I think diabetics need more frequent visits in order to keep the illness in check? - Then they couldn't limit mental health visits to two a year, or whatever number.

In my case, it is 20 therapy visits. A better example might be, if they don't limit therapy visits to 20 per year for, say, someone who's had a stroke and needs the therapy, then they couldn't for mental health. I don't think the parity is tied to any one specific more traditionally thought of as "physical" illness (mental illness IS physical; there's problems in the chemical and structural aspects of the brain and nervous system, as well as many physical effects of such illness), but I just wanted to throw out some examples.

I found this About.com article to be an interesting comparison of these candidates on these issues, and was also pleased to note the following:

We will be following the top 3 candidates in each party for their positions on health care as it relates to those with mental illnesses. This page will be updated if the ranking of candidates change and/or when a candidate announces a new or changed policy.

I'll be checking back, that's for sure!

This article also references material at Health08.org, which looks to be a nice resource regarding these issues and the stances, policies, plans, platforms, politics, thoughts, et. al which the candidates have published, expressed, or otherwise stated regarding these matters. The comparison was put together by

the Kaiser Family Foundation with the assistance of Health Policy Alternatives, Inc. and is based on information appearing on the candidates' websites as supplemented by information from candidate speeches, the campaign debates and news reports. The sources of information are identified for each candidate's summary (with links to the Internet). The comparison highlights information on the candidates' positions related to access to health care coverage, cost containment, improving the quality of care and financing. Information will be updated regularly as the campaign unfolds.

I am pleased to see that this one will naturally be regularly updated, as well. The About.com article does note that the comparison at this linked site appears to be missing a bit of information regarding Mr. Obama's position.

I may not have the exact meaning of mental health parity nailed down, but regardless of any inaccuracies on my part, I thought it important to post about the subject while I had enough "oomph" to do so.

It appears that the Republicans do need to step it up. I say this as an American citizen, but also as a Republican. I do remember hearing in an interview with John Edwards earlier this year, or late last year, his answer to a question regarding mental health care coverage & parity; I was EXTREMELY pleased as well as surprised to hear that he had a definite, although not as fully formed then, notion of what he wanted to say on the matter - it was more than just a sentence or two, sound-bite answer; he had researched (well, okay, the interns and others probably do that, but candidates have to read or be briefed on the content) and THOUGHT THROUGH some of the difficulties that the mentally ill have had when it comes to trying to afford getting help.

I was extremely pleased, despite his being a Democrat, because I suspected that this meant the issue was going to be brought forward more, dealt with more, discussed and fleshed out more, as the campaigns began and moved forward.

On a more personal level, I must say I'm a bit aghast that Rudy Giuliani is at the head of the pack of Republican candidates; it is not due to the fact that I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as is Mitt Romney, but rather because I think people have this public image of Mr. Giuliani that is perhaps a bit disengenuous and a bit idealized, to say just a little on the matter, which may contribute to resulting in a far different Chief Executive than the one they perceived they were voting for. Although, I'd guess that any following of any particular candidate probably idealizes that candidate, as might naturally follow from all the enthusiasm worked up in the spirit of trying to help your candidate get elected.

I'm not trying to start any political fights! I just thought I'd throw a few of my personal thoughts, that are rather preliminary at this point in the campaigns, out there.

Get Bent! - An Artist With a Bent Sense of Humour

I definitely love a good laugh, as well as have a silly side to my personality.

I discovered an artist some months ago who seems to incorporate those same things into his work. I asked him for permission to share a few of his photographs with you, and he granted it! He writes a blog by the name of "Bent Objects". Apparently he's also now submitting a book for publishing!

This first work, entitled "Aaarrrsh-mallows!", is my favorite of his most recent several, but only by a hair! Even if they ARE being forced to their "death"! Such a delicious way to go . . . .

His vignettes are clever, as well as ticklish to the funny bone! They touch a place inside me, that is carefree and full of delight; it's a joy when I see that another work has been posted! There's a hammer/nails one that really hits it right on the head . . .

I leave you with one that is a little . . . . twisted (hee!). It is entitled "Sometimes, Being Special Isn't So Special". Click post title to go to his blog for further "bent" perspectives!

Blurtle the Turtle

Blurtle
Originally uploaded by gianttrev

I blurt a little too much, but when it's about my mental health it's generally after I've gotten to know someone a bit, and vice versa, when it's someone I tell about it at all.

My tumbling, pressured speech/speaking, this waterfall of thoughts that how much I'm able to hold in or not varies widely, is extremely frustrating when I'm putting every erg of my will towards plugging all the holes in the dam thing, and there's anywhere from a few to hundreds more holes in the dam than I've got digits with which to plug them up.

People tend not to like people who can't help themselves in speech/speaking/typing like that.

At the very same second as I'm exerting all my will, and stuff comes out anyway, I feel so horrid inside because I was raised that everyone is a conscious being, with control over ones' self. If I can't stop the tumble of word salad, even tho putting everything in to doing so, THAT MEANS I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF and that scares me.

If I can't control myself, who can? Hrm. Sounds like the best kind of reason to off ones' self, to me.

I don't expect it to make sense to any of you, though.

I take responsibility for myself but that's in complete contradiction to not being able to control ones' self despite every bit of force of will I can bring to (sare)bear.

I am SO pulled apart by completely contradicting stuff like this, in so many different issues . . . I guess it's a wonder I get anything done at all, anyway.

See? In two paragraphs, I go from an intellectual hypothetically "valid" reason to end things, to a much more mellow, self-accepting, hey, it's understandable, just keep working, there's alot going on here, one bit at a time, kind of thing.

Again, this complete turnaround type of thing is another reason I'm probably not so likeable, either.

I'm tempted to say I can't help it, but then, I take responsibility for myself, so that doesn't fly with me. And yet, there's two more contradictorily opposite things going on. Anyway.

I take responsibility for not being able to help it. I'm gonna have to think about that one, because it's not like I'm responsible for the fact that I have these illnesses and such. And since not being able to help it, tho trying my hardest, is a direct effect of the illnesses . . . see? more contradictions . . .

I didn't realize most of this crap until I'd typed it, as I was typing.
This is just to provide a window into how some of the struggle with mental illness, in my life, works. I'm not going to end things or anything.

I know I am not my illnesses. This blog, in large part though, is intended to help illuminate issues and experiences involved with mental illness & health, and to sometimes show what it is like to help foster greater understanding and/or awareness.

Bringing Attention to Mental Health Issues - I AM HI

Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan & Ewan McGregor - Cause how could a gal be expected to choose between them? Today, anyway!

Visions of luscious British Isles eyecandy (although it's the voice, too) aside, I've got some bravery to report.

Firstly, the local news radio station is KSL 1160, associated with the TV station KSL channel 5. Today the Movie Show they do on Fridays, with one of my favorite newsradio people to listen to, Doug Wright, was broadcasting near one of our morning errands today, so we popped in to the Seagull Book store to see 'em.

I felt kind of foolish walking in to a store with a van with flashing lights out front, but in we went. They were at the back of the store, doing their thing, and it was cool to hear and see them in person, although very strange when they were obviously speaking with a call-in person, as we couldn't hear that component. They had a drawing going for various smaller prizes, as well as for a beautifully framed art print of the Savior.

We noodled around a bit, looking through the books (this is a book store that caters to the LDS (Mormon) faith, and at that, does so at discount (sometimes steep) prices. There are books here that you'd find in regular bookstores, as well. I was looking through some of these, particularly a gorgeous coffee-table book (though on the small side, as that type of book goes) of National Park pictures; oh, such stunning vistas, formations, features, and seasons!!

They eventually wrapped up the show with the prize drawing, and then I approached the table. I addressed Doug, and he stood up, leaned forward, and shook my hand, asking my name. While I was answering I was thinking, "Wow, his face is HUGE." Maybe an odd thing to think, but there you go. And it was. Big face, I mean. He smiled at me, and it took up his whole face and made it bigger. So that's why I thought that, anyway.

Awkwardness aside I mentioned how I had talked to him about 18 months ago on-air when he had the governor on, that I had spoken about mental health issues, and that I certainly didn't expect him to remember me but wondered if he did? He didn't seem to, so I kept going by having a short discussion with him about maybe doing some shows on Mental Health issues, and how the broken system turns away people who have no options to get better or improve, without treatment. He also said something about how if we can't even get CHIP to pass, what chance does mental health have? I agreed, although didn't realize the CHIP thing was vetoed until I came home and saw it online. I had mentioned in general the various bills in front of Congress, and such, and that I think it'd be great if they could do some shows on those.

SO, just think of me as the awareness fairy, sprinkling increased awareness of mental health issues pixie dust, wherever I roam . . . .

Get out your wands, and spread the IAMHI pixie dust. It's free, and it's sparkley (in my mind, so appropo), and it's good for society. Zero calories, fat, or carbohydrates. It makes you feel goooooood . . . . . if someone asks you what you are doing, just tell them, "I AM HI*"

*Note: Perhaps not to a cop or doctor. Hee hee.

Organizing via Customizable Planners in General & Specifically for Mental Health Issues

I stumbled across a site called DIY Planner - this site happens to have all sorts of printable forms, pages, what-have-you, for pages to fit both physically as well as with the principals of most any planner system/organizing methodology out there, such as Stephen Covey's or David Allen's GTD (Getting Things Done). You can also create your own templates (there will be a guide to facilitate this, as well), and browse, download, and print those which have been designed by other users. I note that a recent template created or suggested by a user is a Radio/chemotherapy side effects journal, which states that it

"is a powerful self-monitoring tool for use in conjunction with a personal diary.

This is a week on two pages, Radio/chemotherapy journal in Classic/half-letter as requested by one of our members."

As you can see, the potential for a great deal of personalization and usefulness is inherent in this excellent and most helpful array of personal productivity printable pages, templates, and such.

There is more helpful information to be had there; I highly recommend browsing the Article Topics at the top left side of the page, as clicking through will pull up all the posts regarding that subject.

I'm not endorsing any particular method, system, or school of thought on time, life, or personal management, but I DO like to cherry-pick concepts that I feel are enlightening and beneficial for me and use them when and where applicable. There are a variety of personal/time/life management topics efficiently tagged and organized at this website, as an additional resourcel.

I am not affiliated with any of these sites in any way; I just appreciate a potentially helpful resource when I see one and thought that I'd share my finds with you. Also, one could customize some planner pages for PieBolar-blog related topics such as tracking your moods, which would be helpful for assessing your stability and effectiveness of your meds; remembering therapy and/or psychiatrist appointments; tracking your meds themselves including dosage, changes, instructions, side effects, things to watch out for, for which side effects you've been instructed to call your doc ASAP or for which do you go to the ER, etc.

In fact, I may customize a template or two for the medications issues, myself! In many illnesses, chronic conditions, injuries, etc. and combinations thereof, one can end up on a sometimes daunting array of prescriptions. I think centralizing the information on my medicines will be helpful to me, because instead of having a variety of Rx bottles floating around the apartment with the associated name, dosing, date, whether refills are left, pharmacy number, prescribing doc, etc., information also scattered hither and yon, I'd have a beneficially simple process and conveniently accessible locale for this supremely important personal data.

One last thing I found, that I may be utilizing for myself that I discovered today is Free Goal Setting.com; you can have your goal email itself to you weekly, as a nice reminder, if it suits you.