Emerge

Well, this is a bit more cheery than the last post. I also apologize to those who also read my beading blog, as I'll be cross-posting it there as well.

I created this necklace I call Emerge. It's got a few things I'm going to fiddle with on it, but I just couldn't wait to post it!

I'm not sure what the brown round beads are, but they're some kind of jasper. They are not as dark as they appear, though. The other brown beads are picture jasper, the oval blue/green ones are amazonite, and the bird tracks, letters, and bird's nest are ceramic beads. The drops are citrine, and they really add some liquid sunshine to the necklace.

You can probably guess that this necklace has personal meaning for me. It also has a kind of southwestern feel to it when I put it on, I think because the blues in this piece resemble turquoise, and of course the desert is well-represented in the browns; the bird tracks resemble petroglyphs, too.

I absolutely love this necklace! The extender chain is silver plated; the rest of the metal is sterling silver.

The meaning for me in this necklace, well, some of the meaning, is related to therapy.

What do you guys think?

Grab the nearest book . . . .

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.

Here's a meme I saw on someone's knitting blog, from a post in February. I can't remember the blog, though.

So, here I go, from "Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball" (This is a lesson manual for this year in the LDS Church.) Twas the nearest thing (After a Barbie hardcover called Sea of Friends, but that book only has pages in the double digits.)

Page 123 is the footnote references for the chapter/lesson, referring to sources of various quotes used in the lesson, so I went to its facing page, page 122. These Notes weren't sentences.

Here's the 3 sentences:

"Consider these ideas as you study the chapter or as you prepare to teach. For additional help, see pages v-ix.

Given that our lives are connected with family, friends, the Church, and the community, what do you think it means to be self-reliant and independent?"

Well, there you go. Lol. It's a good question, though! I guess I'll do some thinking on it, read the chapter/lesson, and maybe post more on it this week.

Who shall I tag for this meme? How about Crafting Jen, Tea, Annegb, and Dr. Anonymous.

Please, everyone else play along as well if you like! I'm curious! This was fun to do, although the first coupla books my eyes fell upon were that Barbie one, a Magic Treehouse one, A Cam Jansen one, and other short books of my daughter's.

Japanese Meiji Rich Straberry Bar

Okay, so I'm merrily reading the blogs I read in Bloglines, when I come across the newest Candy Addict blog posting. It's about a foreign candy, as they frequently do. Meiji is apparently Japan's biggest chocolate company. This bar doesn't seem to be chocolate though, or at least doesn't have a chocolate taste. Which is just fine considering what it IS!!

A Strawberry bar! And it contains 70% fresh strawberry pulp, yummmmm!!! The Candy Blog gave this bar their highest score, and their seal of approval - Candyaddict.com Awesomely Addictive Candy Award!

They said it REALLY tastes like juicy, sweet fresh strawberries! Sounds GREAT to me! This is definitely on my MUST list, now . . . . even if the color is a little scary, for a candy bar (since it contains so much strawberry, though, I'd hope most of the color was natural . . . )

Eek! Elevated Liver Tests!!!

OY!!!

I actually have a really good post about getting my annual physical (no details, although I will discuss some stuff; I hate pelvic exams, too, owie.)

But, we almost didn't do any labs, it seemed kind of an afterthought, but I said, "Yeah, I have no idea what my cholesterol is, let's do some labs!" He agreed and decided to do a couple different ones.

Let's see, this thing I got in the mail today reports back on the following:

Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
Lipid Profile
Comprehensive Metabolic Panel
Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (cont) (cause there was more than could fit on one row)
Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (cont) (cause there was more than could fit on 2 rows)
CBC With Diff, plus two more rows (cont)

Anyway it lists various test results on each row, within the category or whatever.

At the top of this sheet of results, it says, "Elevated liver tests (AST and ALT) - otherwise all labs are completely normal. I recommend recheck of liver tests in 3-6 months and further evaluation if they are higher. Quite often mild elevations are caused by medications you are taking."

Well, so it freaked me out to read the first three words of that . . . .

On the other hand, it sounds like the reported levels are MILD, so there's not huge cause for concern; 3-6 months is a ways off, anyway. I'm wondering if the doc was waiting for me to get this report before discussing the elevated result with me, or if the comments up top are all he wanted to relate . . . I can always call him, I guess, although it doesn't sound like there's any more to find out, for now . . .

It sounds like he doesn't know if/that/whether a specific med I'm on may cause this. I don't know if Neurontin or Effexor XR can have this effect on the liver . . . .

Still, I'm a bit FREAKED out. I figure when I discuss it tomorrow in therapy, the above thoughts and conclusions (aside from still being freaked out) are things my ologist will agree with or come up with as well.

Still freaked, tho. Lol.

Freudian Slip & Fall

I think this is kinda funny, but then again, since it happened in front of the object of the Freudian slip . . . and since that object happens to be my ologist, and he happens to be more capable of figuring out what it means or is a clue about than a non-ologist, well, mebbe it wasn't the best time and place for this particular Freudian slip!!!

I had no clue that I had made this slip, until he told me.

Okay, so my ologist is back today, after being gone for three weeks. Since there was an obstacle that came up whilst trying to contact the iatrist he recommended, while he was gone, and I was so nervous about pushing through the obstacle, I suggested/asked if I could make the necessary call(s) right then and there in front of him.

So I did.

On the first of the two calls, I explained that I needed a different than the usual situation; I needed to be able to access a psychiatrist up at a more northern office of the county Behavioral Health system, rather then the one right nearby. I mentioned that my ologist particularly recommended this iatrist to me, as I felt my last psychiatrist verbally assaulted me. They sent me through to someone else, and I left a message stating the same.

My ologist recommended this iatrist for someone else who had been seeing the same iatrist I was, and needed a new one when 'ole Jerk-Face closed his private practice. This same person lives near me, and also needed to see one out of the normal area, and they were fine with it, and now she does. So it'll work for me too, but I haveta get through the various screeners and bureacracy.

The Freudian slip comes in where I was saying "my last psychiatrist was verbally abusive; I felt that he verbally assaulted me." Instead of psychiatrist, I had said, without realizing it, PSYCHOLOGIST. On both occasions I mentioned this to the two different people or voice mails at the more northern office.

AND, my psychologist was sitting RIGHT THERE, in front of me, when I did it. When he mentioned this, I was like, "I did? Are you sure? I thought I said iatrist . . . ", but I had said ologist, instead. Twice!!!

I think it's kind of funny.

I also think maybe it's cause I was annoyed my ologist had forgotten to tell me he was going on vacation a few weeks ago and I found out a few mins before the end of the last appt. before he left. Maybe? I have no idea what my subconscious is up to!

Anyway, my ologist is kind, gentle, warm, empathic, sometimes more neutral (I like the term benevolent neutrality!), depending on the therapeutic need and however he determines is the best response/reception to what I'm saying. He is wise and helpful, supportive and constant.

So I don't know why I made that Freudian slip, but I still think it's funny, esp since it was right in front of him!

A Concerned & Proud Great-Niece

We recently learned that an uncle (who is 4-6 years older than us, I believe, I can't remember) in the military is going to be among the new wave of soldiers sent to Iraq. His duty will be disposing of IED's (Improvised Explosive Devices).

When my daughter heard us discussing it, she asked all sorts of questions and was very concerned. "Could he be hurt in Iraq?" Yes, we answered. We also told her that there is the possibility that he could die there. We didn't want to scare her, but she was asking the questions and wanting to know.

I'm not sure she even knows his face; he and his family live out of state. All the same, she is concerned for his safety, and for his immediate family. "Will they be all alone while he is in Iraq?" Yes, we answered, although we also indicated that their friends, family, and community would support them.

"When is he going to Iraq; is it next week?" No, we answer, he is going in March, we believe, after he learns his specifics of doing his job over there.

Just today, I learned from my daughter that he was the subject of her show and tell this last Monday. I knew she was concerned from the questions she had asked, but I hadn't realized the depth of pride she has in this relation serving his country, and putting himself in harm's way for us all. I hadn't realized the strength of the impression his military service, and his assignment to Iraq, had made on her.

We don't let her watch much of the news on TV at all, but she does see and hear snippets here and there, there is discussion of current events at school at times, as well as hearing reports on the radio as we drive about town. She knows there is a war in Iraq (well, WE know that the war supposedly ended, a new government is in place, Saddam is captured, sentenced, and sentence carried out, etc.), and that it is dangerous and a scary place, from her perspective. It seems so to me, as well.

I am proud that my daughter is proud of her great-uncle (that sounds so strange, since he is so close in age to my husband and myself!)! I am proud that she thought/thinks enough of him, and what he is doing, to talk about him for her show and tell this week. I am proud that she is concerned for his and his family's well-being, as she is a thoughtful, caring, and concerned child.

Both my husband and myself are also proud of our uncle and his military service, although we are especially concerned for him as he is assigned to this dangerous duty. We are concerned for his immediate family, too.

A few days ago, my husband and I watched Future Weapons on The Discovery Channel. On this particular episode, they showed a *brief-case looking device, that is so top-secret the name could not be revealed, although I note that apparently they had no problem showing and discussing the device on this show. This device is designed to disarm and separate the explosive fuels/components from car bombs/IED's, aiding in the disposal of such devices/materials.

The device has two shaped compartments of water, between which is nestled a charge of explosives, of a certain type. The charge is shaped, I THINK, but the water compartments also serve to shape the explosion, as well as having other purposes. The bottom compartment also serves to quench any fire(ball) that does go in that direction, and the top compartment of water is shaped by the special explosion, into a tall, thin, extremely damaging KNIFE of water. This knife of water cuts upwards with surprising precision (although, of course, the materials in this area don't look "neat" afterwards).

The result is a separation of the explosive materials of the IED, from the IED's other components. I was surprised by how effective this device was. I immediately thought of applications of this device in the field, as they discussed, particularly in Iraq, where car bombs are one of the types of IED's that are encountered. I would hope that this sort of thing gets into the hands of those who are tasked with dealing with IED's, such as our uncle. I hope it's not years before this device is sent to the field . . .

*Note: If you click on the videos, go to the third tab, Future Weapons Season 2, and scroll down to "BootBanger". This is the device I am talking about.

Mental Health Parity Bill

Click the title to read a short article about it.

Sounds good to me, altho I'm not clear on how it SAVES billions of dollars.

Here I am . . .

See the brightest comet in 30 years . . ..

A blast from the past . . . .

Ok, before I get to the stuff about choosing a new psychiatrist, above are two interesting astronomy links.

Re: the comet, go out before sunset and look west. Follow the directions that link says and you may see this comet, but after a few days from now it'll be too close to the sun. Go out before sunset because just after sunset it dips below the horizon, or some such.

On the second one . . . . it really is a blast from the past! It's like our own personal view backwards through time . . . . any astronomical viewing is, really; the sunlight some of you may be seeing right now down there in Australia is 8 minutes old; that's not TOO far back, but at least if the sun is gonna shoot some killer CME our way we'll have an 8 minute warning. I'm not sure that coronal mass ejections have ever killed anybody, but then again, they probably have, due to resultant power outages.

Anyway! I spoke with my ologist today about the closest iatrist's on my insurance's provider list. I'll be checking out Dr. O first. I'm going to see if I can set up a 10-15 minute phone call with him so's I can see if it's even worth both of ours' times to meet. I should be able to tell right off if he's going to come off as . . . well, Dr. B-ish as Dr. B did, right off the bat. If Dr. O wants a face to face meeting for this preliminary feel-out (er, that doesn't sound right . . .) then that's fine, too, although I gotta see what, if any, he wants to charge for that. I think maybe docs don't, for that, because it saves them time and money in the long run if I and they see at that meeting that we just don't fit, right off the bat.

On the other hand, it's worth it to see if perhaps we might be compatible, and then also to get an idea of their style (I now gotta ask about this, because Dr. B's style was so . . . forceful.), philosophies in regards to issues that would affect my care, how we handle med issues, etc. (ie, Dr. B doesn't and wouldn't prescribe lithium), their preferences as well, like that, and stuff. Gee, that's alot for 15 minutes . . . but I'm afraid of taking too much time.

Anyway, I'll give Dr. O a call tomorrow and see what their secretary/receptionist has to say about the way they run the office, anything she can tell about how they work (emergency coverage, usual hours (i.e., does he take a particular mid-week day off, like some docs do, etc.), and other stuff). And see what I can set up in the way of a sort of prelim to having this iatrist be chosen by me as the one for me, kind of meeting.

Maybe I'm just gunshy after the last (my first) one, but I think it'll be wise and best for my health if I can ask him some questions and stuff. I guess I also feel like I have to justify my desire to ask questions, and even apologize . . .

I also gotta call my ologist tomorrow and clarify something I told him. I brought some things to light that I realized were coming up in regards to our therapeutic relationship, including feelings of hating him (lol) and stuff. Anyway, I was quite pleased to identify these feelings, bring 'em forward, and figure out WHY. This means we can, as he would put it, "work it in a way that will be beneficial to me"; ie, we can work through any issues in the therapeutic relationship, and not only will the results of working it through be good for me, the process itself is sort of an incubator of learning for me, if that makes any sense . . .

I hate my therapist, good on me! Woohooo!!!! Okay, so I'm being silly. I also know I don't hate him, but that these are feelings brought up by issues and events my psyche is getting stuck on, that I didn't realize I was getting stuck on, until I identified these feelings of resentment and (mild?) hate or whatnot, about it . . . they are the CLUE that points to a problem, a stuck area, and I'm pleased I figured all that out on my own (more fodder for therapy, but I gotta clarify on the phone tomorrow something about it, anyway).

The therapeutic relationship is like a canvas that feelings, often buried, or "belonging" (ie, transference), to other events or relationships, get splashed across in sometimes disturbing, but quite often interesting, and sometimes silly ways. Well, silly isn't the right word . . . but I find some of the things that happen on this canvas kinda humorous, anyway.

Dokey okey, that's about it for now.

Oh, I'm feeling better, although a nagging and more than lingering cough w/junk in my lungs that won't come out hanging around and making things less than fun, from this icky flu.

Wish me luck w/Dr. O.

Ocean of Self-Doubt

I'm drowning in a sea of doubt.

Self-doubt, in so many flavors, quantities, depths, and frequencies . . .

There is SO much that I am trying to . . . . hmm. I can't figure it out but that leads to something important . . .

It's not as simple as just banishing it, or just simply believing in one's self. I wish it was, and I wish I could . . . .

I had one appointment recently where I discussed the doubting/floundering, the not being able to gain a footing, or not being able to find solid ground . . . .

There is SO MUCH about me that I despise, loathe, and HATE with a hurt that is so deep it defies my ability to describe . . .

That all ties into some things I found out in July, thru the "friend" who was the one who hooked me up with the mental help and mental health providers, and helped my previous Bishop understand some of the issues regarding.

Well, have you ever heard the term, "A little knowledge, can be dangerous"? Just because she is involved with NAMI alot and has a daughter with mental health issues, does NOT mean she is qualified to make all the judgements that she fed back to my iatrist, in July, the day after I called her, sobbing, that I was terrified to go see him and didn't know how I could. I had called him earlier that afternoon, and he was HORRID. I was calling her as a FRIEND, who happens to relate to this iatrist, not really socially, but kind of; she's got him on the board of a mental health center they're trying to get placed in Davis County, as well as he was her daughter's iatrist, and they are probably somewhere between acquaintances and friends, outside of the consumer/provider relationship, or the consumer's parent/provider relationship.

So, I was a wounded puppy, turning to a friend. The next day . . . well, what she did was kick this wounded puppy viciously as hard and violently as she could, with what she did to me, how she did it, and the content thereof. Even WITHOUT the content of what she did, her calling him in the attitude/orientation/intentions that she did, was what ANYONE would call stabbing someone in the back . . . .

As my (now) former iatrist related some of what she had said, I was in shock; very incredulous, and disbelieving, first, that a friend could do this to me, second, that SHE, knowing how difficult it is for the mentally ill to function, could and WOULD do THIS to me, THIRD, that she would make so many judgements, or even any of them, harsh ones, based on a year where we BARELY saw each other every 3-5 months, for a few minutes at a time. Based on her NOT seeing me, NOT seeing me doing things she thought I should be doing (where does SHE get off . . .

Autism Bill Passes House & Senate

Now, it goes to the President to sign before the Holiday Recess.

Combat Autism.org

A quote from the above site:

The bill authorizes nearly 1 billion dollars over the next five years to combat autism through research, screening, early detection and early intervention. The new legislation will increase federal spending on autism by at least 50 percent. It includes provisions relating to the diagnosis and treatment of persons with Autism Spectrum Disorders, and expands and intensifies biomedical research on autism, including an essential focus on possible environmental causes. Autism is now diagnosed in 1 in 166 children according to the Centers for Disease Control.

Read the bottom two of the three paragraphs at the following link.

WPLN.org news transcript

YES!!!!

This means that insurance coverage for services for my daughter, may be covered, or should be to some extent, I guess we'll see how it all gets sorted out . . . .

ONE BILLION DOLLARS over the next five years . . . . YAY!!!!!

Yes, I know there's many ailments and health issues that need money, attention, funding, research, etc., but autism has been neglected/ignored for FAR too long in these and other areas.

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

YIKES!~

Okay, so I'm in bed all day, sleeping cause I'm depressed and also the gabapentin makes me tired.

The doorbell rings, I send my daughter to get it. It's my bishop! So she lets him in, and comes back to get me, and I'm starting to get dressed, and she says loudly to him from down the hall, "She just has to get dressed!" I'm SO embarrassed!

Great, so my bishop is standing 12 feet away and knows I'm in a state of undress. GREAT. VERY embarrassing. Not so embarrassing tell you guys cause you guys are alot farther away than that!

Oh, and this man is the CEO of a company!!! Also, was standing there in my HORRIDLY MESSY livingroom, with views of my HORRIDLY MESSY kitchen and hallway, too.

I mean REALLY BAD.

And here he is, in his really nice suit, on his way home from work, in my house, which probably doesn't smell so great . . .

I did let him know that the judge decided I was obviously disabled and stuff. And that it'll be up to 60 days before I hear back on what money I get, if any. He said he wants me to keep him updated on that.

I am SO EMBARRASSED, though. What about the above incident in any aspect of it ISN'T completely embarrassing? He probably HEARD me getting dressed, too.

Turmoil, Yeasts, & Easy Recipes

Well, I've got alot of it. Which is why, these last months, even this last YEAR, to a lesser degree, I've been a bit more untethered and sometimes directionless.

I'm still here, though, but it's taking all my effort just to hold on; not really gaining any ground these last few months, in therapy either. I wonder if that frustrates my therapist . . .

He did ask me a question out of the blue last Tuesday that seemed to want to try to address the overwhelming sadness and lack of well it's hard to put words to . . .

Anyway, I'm having a REALLY HARD TIME since about September; there's been HUGE changes and events going on, and I feel like I'm being tumbled, washing-machine-like, in the downward pressure at the bottom of a waterfall or heavy rapids, like sometimes happens.

On a completely different note, I'm going to attempt an easy recipe from scratch, altho it really needs quick-rise yeast and all I have is regular active dry. I'll punch it and let it rest s'more, like double or triple (the recipe says just 10 mins, it's kind of a batter dough, so I'm really not sure how to adjust, aside from dissolving this active dry yeast in 105-115 liquid first, before mixing w/ingredients and lengthening the rest. Not sure there'll be much to "punch" either . . .)

I saw, in an ad in the Quick & Simple $1.59 magazine that I've recently discovered in the checkout aisles at the grocery store, an ad for www.fleischmanns1dish.com.

The ad had one of the recipes. I went there and liked what i saw, easy and simple batter-type doughs, extremely sticky and such, with things placed atop after the resting period. I'm going to try the 1-Dish Chicken Enchilada, as I have some pre-cooked chicken cut-up in the freezer.

It IS a good sign of fighting the depression on the rare occasions when I cook anymore; heck, just heating something in the microwave is a victory and an outof-the-ordinary occurrence. So this one is WAY unusual, of late, especially in recent months.

Guess we'll see how it turns out.

Oh hey, another cooking site I just discovered, that is SIMPLE, and practical, is The Practical Pantry.com

Hasta la Vista, Iatrist!

I told him mebbe I'd start to look for a shrink in January, and he started to rip into me. I was like WTH? Cause one of the options he said in his letter was having gp maintain meds. Which, I know isn't an option long-term, or even medium-term. I mention this, and he's like noooooo. He says I need a shrink. Well, yeah, I knew that. So then I tell him I was thinking about January, maybe, to start looking, and he's like noooooo. Look now. He gets all ruffled about how this is why he sent out his letters two months ago, so early, so his patients would have someone lined up, and how it often is 2-3 months before a shrink can work you into his schedule, as a new patient or whatnot.

It's not my fault I couldn't read his mind. Besides, I don't know that I'm up for looking for a shrink right now, anyway. It's not like this one has been there for me; I've had to have my GP write prescriptions most of the time lately anyway, since I've not been able to get ahold of my shrink; even when I DID get ahold of him, it was really only the secretary. I hated all the back and forth thru the secretary to discuss an urgent matter with him. I'll be asking potential shrinks if that's how they do things as a matter of course, too. UGH.

Anyway. I am now shrinkless. That sounds funny . . . .

Up Yours Meds

Ok, so the title isn't THAT funny.

I hadta try, anyway, but sometimes (often?) I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel.

So, I thought it prudent to call my iatrist yesterday about upping my Neurontin from 1200mg to 1600mg, like we did in the spring when I was going through something.

I've been all over the place and far less able to rein myself in emotionally and in other ways, since the hearing.

From mid-September onward, I've had aLOT of intense and difficult things and changes happen and to plan and face fears and endure and be forced, by events, to keep coming back to.

So the logical side of me said, HEY, lookit you the past 10-12 days; I think, given what you see over that course of time, that I'd better call the iatrist.

Anyway, so we upped my meds. He had to change my appt. next week from Tues. to Friday. I don't know how I'm going to get there as dh works then.

See, with him closing his private practice December 1, he's only seeing patients two days a week now, and only in the afternoons on Thursdays and Fridays. He's also moved his office to Bountiful, but it's right on the border with Centerville.

Technically, I could walk, I think it's only a coupla miles or less, altho that is a long walk. And I haven't been there before, which is a HUGE issue.

I could take a bus, but there are alot of issues with that as well, so I don't think I can do that right now.

TOO MUCH CHANGE! Yeah, I know that's life.

I have been spending most of my time in bed, sleeping or trying to, with a bit of TV and computer thrown in. I just . . . well, I know I'm emotionally reacting to everything that's been going on, but it's hard to stop and think and pin things down, because it's a torrent of stuff. Rather overwhelming. So at least resting alot is sort of one way of taking care of myself right now and acknowledging I'm dealing with some intense things. Although it's also a retreat/withdrawal mechanism; but moreso, it's a safety issue, because I feel safe there, in/on this bed cuddled up in the perfect holey blanket and with my body pillow. It's a retreat from the incessant downpour of stuff that just won't let up for/on me. It's also a recharging, sometimes when it's done in a more positive, proactive way to keep from using myself up too much too fast; pushing too hard, over the edge; when I relax and let go and just let myself rest and take care of myself like that, because I can feel that I'm approaching an edge where if I do too much, I could end up collapsing emotionally and other ways, and be in bed for a month or more.

So, sometimes, when it's proactive for certain reasons, I suppose it's more positive than just retreating/withdrawing because I just can't cope.

At the same time, I'm not going to give up this just can't cope/retreat coping mechanism right now, as I need SOMETHING to help me get through, when everything seems too much; the longer I'm in therapy, the more I'll learn ways of dealing with things, the more things will internalize and I'll be stronger and not need so much to just withdraw. For now, it's what I do sometimes, for a variety of reasons.

The proactive thing, is actually not nearly as often being in bed all day or so much, as the other reasons are. The proactive thing often involves a couple days relaxing on the couch, watching shows that peak my interest or seem to fill a void for a time or touch me in some way . . . also CRAFTING, either stamping, or, more often when on the couch, BEADING/jewelry making/working with sterling wire and chain, too. Gemstones, I lerv em, too!

Anyway, there's a variety of things. I know I need to let myself react, alot of which is on a subconscious, not consciously thought or worked through level, but I can FEEL in my BODY and sort of the cogs and gears of my being-ness that there's a processing or a working on realizing and really feeling what's been going on, so I can more consciously get to work on it, when I've let myself react and sort of take in, subconsciously and consciously, what's happened to me.

I can't rush it, it just goes as it goes; takes its own pace.

Wow, I've rambled today. Lots going on.

I'm going to be sleepier, sometimes irresistably so, on the higher dose, but that's ok.

Seize ya later! (Yum, the scent of this wassail candle is just making me feel like I'm DRINKING a hot, but not burning hot, satisfying mug of yummy spicy goodness!)

Now you, too can be pathetic!

Get yer very own, run down, self-described (by Urban Outfitters), "Charlie Brown Pathetic Tree"! (emphasis added)

Nothing says it's Christmas quite like a depressing reminder of not feeling quite good enough. Check out the ornament which strains the tree's very ability to cope with all the stress that is the holiday season. Built in is the ability to create the appearance of even more desperate patheticness, as described in this quote from Urban Outfitters: "The bendable branches allow you to make it look just how you want, super pathetic or just kind of pathetic."

Okay, so I had to write my own copy for this poor tree. It's actually just a humble little thing, although it seems kinda sad to commercialize the humble aspect of this Charlie Brown Christmas story. Whenever we've gone to a Christmas Tree lot, we can always point out the ones we call Charlie Brown trees, anyway.

You're Putting WHAT in My Brain?

Vagus Nerve Stimulation.

Coming soon, to a depression treatment options list near you.

Apparently it was just approved for use in depressed people; apparently it has also been used for years in seizure patients.

It targets the mood center of the brain.

You have a remote control that communicates with it; I guess the signal will go through your skin and whatnot to the device in the back of your neck that is connected to the Vagus Nerve.

Sounds kinda scary. It's good to have more options for treatment-resistant depression, but I can see the late-night comedians riffing on this one already . . .

A Friend Knows the Song in Your Heart . . .

And sings it back to you when you've forgotten it. 

 Now, the therapeutic relationship isn't a friendship, per se; it's a rather unusual thing. Various approximations can be used to describe it - a professional friendship, confidante, approximate relationship, therapist (of course, that one is not an approximation), and other things. When I say it's not a friendship, it is because, of course, outside the office you don't socialize, etc. 

 Inside the office, you interact on a deep and personal level, at least, from the patient's side of things, although the therapist also is giving of themselves to help you see yourself and learn and grow and figure things out and such. 

 After such a long time working together, I know that he DOES care for my well being, although I'm not saying there's anything inappropriate. If he didn't care about his patients' progress, well being, and such, he wouldn't be doing (or at least, wouldn't be doing so well) what it is that he does . . . SO, with all that said, the term professional friendship kind of covers alot of the therapeutic relationship . . . obviously there are alot of boundaries, as is appropriate. 

 He reminded me, yesterday, that I am a person of great faith. I tend to want to feel bad for my horrid reactions yesterday, but at the same time I know that I MUST LET MYSELF FEEL and REACT to what I experience; trying to deny that is like trying to deny the Titanic didn't just strike an iceberg. I struck my own iceberg, and had and still have reactions to that. It's fine! I, and everyone else, are emotional beings. 

So, I know that the Lord knows what he's doing. That's great! 

 I don't know what He's doing, though. It's a good thing He does . . . lol! 

 With all that said, that doesn't make my experience any less difficult or any less painful, turbulent, and unstable. I feel extremely unstable. I discussed all this with my ologist yesterday, as well as I'm going to talk with him later over the phone for a bit; yesterday's session was . . . well there was much to cause a high level of worry in it, on his part.  

So o o o o ooooo . . . The Lord is at the helm, but I'm still seasick. That about sums it up. Very seasick. Don't you just love my analogies? Lol. Anyone have some airsickness bags handy? hee hee. 

 Yes, I sound rather chipper now, but that's actually just a sign of how volatile I am right now. Up, down, sideways, slantways (dontcha' just love Wonka's glass elevator!), every-which-ways. 

 No wonder I'm seasick (metaphorically speaking). I hope I don't bawl my eyes out at dd's baptism later this week! Cause I'll have both my families there, and that never happens, and that's alot of love and support in one place. Yes, I know the baptism is about her, but I can't help it that I'm going through one of the hardest things I've ever faced, right now. So, I'm looking forward to seeing friends and family on Saturday.  

Anyway, so that's how I'm doing. Not very well, and not nearly as well as I sound in this post. Off to go ride the see-saw s'more. Man, now I want s'mores . . . .

One Hurdle at a Time

Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan . . . YUMMMMM . . .

Sounds like he's made of chocolate, lol.

Hrm, that might not be so bad. Teehee!

This last week has been about trying to just get past each nerve-wracking thing after another.

I was SO freaked about Emily's birthday, this last week. If I have energy/motivation/focus, I'll post about a very nice accomplishment/victory I had in that arena that I've tried to approach the last couple years and kept failing at due to fear, among other stuff about it.

One. Hurdle. At. A. Time. Mind if I brainstorm a little, and lay it out, here? Any paper I chose to write on would get lost in the almost no carpet visible mess that is my living room and bedroom, currently.

1. Figure out how to get Effexor XR this week, by calling docs' offices for samples. My bishop is out of town almost all week, so I won't be able to access it that way. I should be able to get enough samples until I have the money for the $72.00 co-pay.

2. Straighten up the living room in short, 5 minute spurts throughout the day, spontaneously as I think about it. No guilt, no pressure. Well, with my new visiting teacher, the First Counselor in the bishopbric's wife, coming at 4:00pm, there is a little bit of pressure, but there's also alot of time.

3. DD has the day off school; rubber stamp with her as I've been promising to do (she rec'd a couple of Cinderalla stamps and papers in a kit, for her birthday), and make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies, again as I've been promising to do with her. Added benefit of the YUMMY cookies, besides knowing that I'm doing what Emily says is her favorite thing: baking cookies with ME. Guilt tho of almost never doing it (shuddup guilt, I'm firing you for the day.)

4. Relax and surf and participate in the rubber stamping and/or beading forums I like to online. Especially since I recently posted some rubber stamped cards on one forum, and have been and possibly will receive more kind comments; this motivates me to create more, and is a nice boost to the self-esteem. Is that pathetic, to do it for kind comments? It gets me DOING, and CREATING, and involved in one of my hobbies that I'm only just getting back into after not being able to function or want to hobby for years in a row, on that. Ok, self-critical voice, shuddup too. You're FIRED. For the day, anyway. no guilt, no self-critical. If it gets me creating, it's all good (well, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody).

5. Make sure I EAT something during the day instead of nothing all day.

6. Do SOME thinking about the hearing Tuesday morning, and the last ten years of my life and my faults, flaws, dysfunctions, and incapacities. This seems . . . terrible, and counter-productive towards managing my instabilities; ie, it seems completely focused on tearing myself down. But . . . it's what is needed for the hearing. People tend to overstate their capacity/capacities . . . I find myself saying, well, but I DO do this . . . but really, i am discovering, it's not that much; it is so hard and painful to strip away the defenses that have kept and keep me from seeing how . . . dysfunctional I am, how . . . unfunctional and . . . everything. I need to strip away most of the masking defenses and SEE my apathy, and, well, my patheticness . . .

Obviously I'll be turning to my husband, but he'll be at work from 9 to 5, and probably take awhile to get home. I am facing the worst thing I can think of right now that doesn't involve injury or death to people. I am so so so scared. Please be patient with me as I go on and on and seem so self-centered in what I talk about . . . I am AFRAID to dig into this stuff so rawly, intensely, so MUCH of it all at once, really (therapy and what I do during the week can be taken in smaller bits). Please leave me multiple messages throughout the day and week, if you like, or whatever. I am . . . I am going to face this, I am . . . I just . . . this is so hard, and tears are filling my eyes and rolling hotly down my cheeks as I type right now. so hard . . . . I know, I'm going on and on.

Let's see . . . another good thing would be to get outside for at least 10-15 minutes, into the sunshine tomorrow. I neglect that so much, but it does wonders for me.

Pray, A LOT! But I do that already, but it's good.

iamsoscared

As Paul Harvey says . . .

. . . and now, for the rest of the story.

So. My iatrist doesn't think I'm bipolar.

This caused HUGE problems, and he knew so, and apologized for putting me in such a difficult positon.

That position being, I have two mental health professionals that I trust; when they disagree so fundamentally, it creates an internal crisis . . . .

Thing is, it turns out my iatrist DOES think I'm bipolar, he just didn't want me to think so.

From things he's said, I gather that he thought I'd use it as an excuse, or not do the work I need to in therapy and just kind of "rest" on that label of bipolar . . .

Well, he doesn't know me very well. I've worked my butt off (I wish, literally, it'd be nice to have a skinnier butt . . .) in therapy!

As far as the dilemma, I soul-searched and scoured and examined things from every angle, and in addition to the fact that I'd spent many, many, MANY more hours with my ologist, and that I also had a deeper relationship with said ologist; in addition to those things, the facts just support the diagnosis of bipolar.

I'm afraid some of you will be saying, "See? She wants that label, to excuse stuff . . . "

It's an explanation, for me. I'd rather not have things be a mystery, because one can work with the known; in fact, it gives me hope that this is something that CAN be worked with, since mental health people have been doing so for years, as well as other bipolar patients.

Anyway, I find out from the lawyer, when I reluctantly mention that my iatrist doesn't think I'm bipolar, he says, "What!?!! Let me find it in my notes . . . . Yes, he says 'bipolar' in several places . . ."

As recently as my last appointment with him in July, is written the diagnosis of bipolar.

There is some consternation on my part, but surprisingly, I understand that he was doing what he thought was best for his patient, in this case, me. I disagree with his choice, here, but I respect that he was operating in my best interests according to his opinion and judgement.

See, I really connect with that because of some things we discussed at our last appointment, regarding other matters on which we had disagreed. I really appreciated then, as I do now, that, though I disagreed with the course he took, he was working from concern for my well-being and judged what he thought was the action to take.

I still disagree with a variety of things, including his decision to mislead and even lie to me about my bipolar diagnosis; I also venture to say that perhaps I'm so calm and collected upon learning about this, because there may be some hidden feelings such as anger and other somewhere inside that haven't come out yet; I do feel and have felt, though, the care he takes and concern he has for me, as his patient, and for acting in his patients' best interests.

I do not know what any professional organizations he belongs to have to say on such matters as this, but I suspect there is leeway given the huge variety of mental and emotional states of being, and combinations thereof, for patients of practitioners such as he.

Also, he's a D.O., which means he has a different view of things than most. I'll defintely NOT go for a D.O. again, lol.

I am feeling . . . a bit perturbed, though, and unsettled and even shocked and surprised to learn this, although I also feel everything else I wrote above regarding this matter as well.

When Psychiatrists Lie . . . .

. . . and my surprising thoughts on the matter, along with this week's experience.

Going to leave you hanging on this one for a bit! Aren't I a tease?