My daughter has been VERY concerned about the Destiny Norton case.
She was horrified this morning, as were we, to see the news that she was killed; found dead in the basement of someone 150 feet? yards? away from her home.
My daughter has all sorts of questions . . . we've been trying to answer them, although to her question of what Destiny's body looks like, I just said it looks like she is sleeping, but no pink in her cheeks, no breathing, and the body would be cold. That sounds SO cruel and harsh. I HATE that stuff like this happens, and to children, and to Destiny in particular in this instance. I feel so much for her family. I couldn't figure out how to explain about what happens to a body after death, but I figure she doesn't need to know about those things right now, and I've given enough to answer her question.
If only the dogs had alerted on the scent at this man's house, but they didn't.
I guess I need to look up some resources on how to talk with your children about this. It was a knife in my heart when my daughter said tearfully that she didn't want to be killed . . . .
Her questions about why did that man do this to her, and why did he WANT to do that to her, were hard ones. I answered with, I don't know why people do bad things, but some people do bad things to people; some people want to hurt other people, and that's why we need to be careful of strangers. I also said that not all strangers want to hurt people, and that even most aren't like that, but that we just don't know which ones do, so we need to be careful.
She asked about if he had a rifle or a short gun, or a weapon. I said I didn't know. I also said that if someone is trying to take her and/or hurt her, even if they have a weapon she needs to kick and bite and scream and hit and run away as fast as she can.
She said that Destiny should have run home, and I told her that she probably tried to, but that the man was too strong for her. I said that she still needs to try as hard as she can to get away if someone ever tries to take/hurt her.
I also questioned her about what to do if a stranger comes up to her and asks for help finding a lost puppy, or something about that . . . she answered that she should run away. I added in that she should also scream and yell and stuff too.
Other hard questions. We haven't had the news on that much these last few weeks, but my daughter took particular note, worry and concern over Destiny and what might have happened to her. She's taking it personally and seriously. I am concerned about what this might be doing to my daughter; I'll be asking King about that at my appointment in half an hour.
She keeps wanting to watch the news, but I'm not sure that's a good idea. Then again, I don't want her to feel like we're hiding stuff; perhaps letting her see a 2 minute segment (that we TIVO and pre-screen to find a suitable segment that doesn't get graphic . . .) would be a balanced approach? I don't want to make her fears worse by her seeing too much, or being denied her requests for knowing what's going on and so she'd be left to wonder and make up how bad it is, and also lose the opportunity for teaching my daughter about safety . . .
This is a minefield . . . and I am scared I am going to screw this up. That is far, far nothing to what Destiny's family is going through, I know, but I am trying to help my daughter through this in a way that will hopefully not damage her; I cringe when I see how personally affected she is by this, it's very hard . . . .
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
NAMI takes donations from a drug company?
Click the title to go to a post, that includes an article re: donations tie non-profits to drug companies.
UGH.
Now, NAMI does alot of good work, and they are also far from the only non-profit mentioned in the article.
Still, after I received a Bridges manual, and read through it . . . . I decided that I wanted no part of their agenda of what THEY wanted me to think and feel, and how they wanted me to think and feel, and stuff, about mental illness, and my own struggle with it. I just saw a bit too much of an agenda of what THEY thought people should think & feel, although I suppose, what patient education program doesn't have its own point of view that it tries to get across?
There's a distinction here, although it may be subtle. I'm not going to "review" NAMI's Bridges program point by point, or even more generally; I've already stated what my main problem is with the program.
There's more to why I have a problem with some things in the manual than what I've stated, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go into that yet. As well, some of it may be perceptual issues I need to work on in therapy, but for my own benefit, NOT so I can "come around" to seeing their way of doing things; their point of view. It may very well be that, as I process some of the distorted perceptions I have, that I may still end up in a position at odds with NAMI's Bridges course; a large part of me certainly hopes so, lol!
I guess I'd better talk about in therapy sometime why I'm feeling so hostile all of a sudden, and where the hell is this all coming from? Ah, hell, I probably know. Has alot to do with those reasons I won't discuss right now, but not much of anything to do with the agenda I see in the Bridges manual. Perhaps how agitated I GET about that agenda that I feel is not for me, has something to do with these unnamed reasons, but I see this agenda irregardless of these unspecified reasons.
Of course, I wouldn't want my opinions expressed within this post to be dismissed, just because I'm mentally ill, but I feel that any proponents of NAMI or Bridges that come across this, may very well do so, on that basis or others.
I don't think my brain and everything that comes out of it is junk, just because I'm mentally ill. Course, the trick is sifting THROUGH all of that for the gold, the deceptive flash-in-the-pan, and plain 'ole dirt.
Back to the original issue, of non-profits taking donations from drug companies, and NAMI in particular participating in this sort of behavior. I find it rather underhanded and deceptive, especially considering how, in many cases, for the mentally ill they advocate for, NAMI's judgement (or lack thereof, in this case) may be being used by that ill person to help them sort out what might be good for them. This is dangerous, for that ill person, with NAMI's judgement apparently being swayed by drug company donors.
Still, the resources that are available through NAMI for those struggling with mental illness issues are valuable, many of them. But this issue of drug companies and NAMI does cause me some concern.
UGH.
Now, NAMI does alot of good work, and they are also far from the only non-profit mentioned in the article.
Still, after I received a Bridges manual, and read through it . . . . I decided that I wanted no part of their agenda of what THEY wanted me to think and feel, and how they wanted me to think and feel, and stuff, about mental illness, and my own struggle with it. I just saw a bit too much of an agenda of what THEY thought people should think & feel, although I suppose, what patient education program doesn't have its own point of view that it tries to get across?
There's a distinction here, although it may be subtle. I'm not going to "review" NAMI's Bridges program point by point, or even more generally; I've already stated what my main problem is with the program.
There's more to why I have a problem with some things in the manual than what I've stated, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go into that yet. As well, some of it may be perceptual issues I need to work on in therapy, but for my own benefit, NOT so I can "come around" to seeing their way of doing things; their point of view. It may very well be that, as I process some of the distorted perceptions I have, that I may still end up in a position at odds with NAMI's Bridges course; a large part of me certainly hopes so, lol!
I guess I'd better talk about in therapy sometime why I'm feeling so hostile all of a sudden, and where the hell is this all coming from? Ah, hell, I probably know. Has alot to do with those reasons I won't discuss right now, but not much of anything to do with the agenda I see in the Bridges manual. Perhaps how agitated I GET about that agenda that I feel is not for me, has something to do with these unnamed reasons, but I see this agenda irregardless of these unspecified reasons.
Of course, I wouldn't want my opinions expressed within this post to be dismissed, just because I'm mentally ill, but I feel that any proponents of NAMI or Bridges that come across this, may very well do so, on that basis or others.
I don't think my brain and everything that comes out of it is junk, just because I'm mentally ill. Course, the trick is sifting THROUGH all of that for the gold, the deceptive flash-in-the-pan, and plain 'ole dirt.
Back to the original issue, of non-profits taking donations from drug companies, and NAMI in particular participating in this sort of behavior. I find it rather underhanded and deceptive, especially considering how, in many cases, for the mentally ill they advocate for, NAMI's judgement (or lack thereof, in this case) may be being used by that ill person to help them sort out what might be good for them. This is dangerous, for that ill person, with NAMI's judgement apparently being swayed by drug company donors.
Still, the resources that are available through NAMI for those struggling with mental illness issues are valuable, many of them. But this issue of drug companies and NAMI does cause me some concern.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Wow . . . He DID participate WITH me and not just AT me . . .
Actor Crush of the Day: Another one? Hmm. Liam Neeson. I've got a Jedi craving today . . .
Wow. That was a FREAKIN' AWESOME appointment.
That isn't to say I wasn't presented with some very hurtful and difficult things. The hurtful things, though, the extremely EXTREMELY hurtful, mostly inaccurate and even inclusive of skewed perceptions and things that ARE NOT TRUE . . . are from a so-called "friend" who spoke with him on the phone. He, of course, couldn't even acknowledge that I was a patient of his, but he could talk with her about what information she was giving.
OH MY HELL. FRIEND my ass. FRIENDS do not do/think/feel/deceive like this one. She's actually the one who hooked me up with both mental health professionals, and I'll always be grateful. And I guess we have a friendship, of a sort, but I no longer trust her. HELL NO. I can't even figure out where she came up with some of the stuff she thinks/feels about me, some of the stuff she related as fact that I am completely confused about and hurt by . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It was REALLY HARD to hear. Dr. Brinley was actually really impressed with how I handled it, and listened and took it in. That made me feel good, when he said that. I will have to process and FEEL, FEEL alot of pain and other unpleasant crud, about the stuff from her, that also regarded some other people whom I had, but now will not, trust. Yes, I need to check out things with them, in the interests of healthy relationships and me not mind-reading and jumping to conclusions and other stuff, but . . . OH MY HELL . . . hell being a good word for this. I will have to sort out the wheat from the chaff, even if the wheat, the difficult things she had to say about me that hold partial truth or some merit, and the FEW things, difficult as they may be, that may hold complete truth, are horribly painful for me. (Depending on what one means by truth, but they may be the truth of our interactions and my behavior with her; a VERY few of the things she said, though, hold that much truth and reality . . .).
Still, my ability to even approach the idea that some of what she said may have REAL applicability to me, IS a strong thing about me.
Anyway, the appointment was HARD, but less hard in some ways I had feared, MORE hard in others, and VERY SURPRISING in quite a few aspects, and ASTONISHINGLY what I could barely have hoped for as the best, in others.
WOW.
I am hurting, and DEEPLY. And feeling betrayed . . . . but none of this about Dr. B. It's all about the "friend" and co. How could this even be . . . I am feeling SO SO SO like people in this ward (my local LDS congregation, for those of you not familiar with Mormon-speak) are HUGE hypocrites, coming off all righteous and humble and we are so happy to do and be this with and for you and stuff . . . . when apparently, BEHIND MY BACK, THEY HAVE said hurtful things, things about how they feel about my interactions with them, VERY NEGATIVE things . . . how the hell dare they pretend to be what they pretend to be? HOW THE HELL CAN THEY EVEN LOOK ME IN THE FACE the few times I manage to successfully fight the bipolar, anxiety disorders, agoraphobia, and medication tiredness, to get to church . . . and how DARE they, how COULD they even act like they are my friends AND ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE ME . . . when, in fact, they have done and said these things and felt these bad things to this "friend".
I AM SO HURTING INSIDE. IT HURTS, SO BADLY IT HURTS. SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!
But, as regards the appointment . . . . . WOW. It was VERY VERY VERY intense . . . but I am so glad that he is not rejecting me, that HE sees progress, that HE knows I am moving forward with things . . . that HE knows I want to get better, that HE knows I am working on it, that HE knows I am the way I am because it was survival mechanisms from when I was younger and the only way I could get through . . . .
EDITED: HOW DARE THEY REJECT ME (for the things they are rejecting me for, that they said they'd be understanding and accepting of me for . . . . It is their right and privilege, though . . . but I AM THE ILL ONE, HERE, AND THEY ARE NOT (they said they'd be accepting of me and my illnesses and see ME, and stuff) . . . WHY can't they see the Sara who is TRYING so DAMN hard . . . it HURTS so bad how MUCH AND HARD I TRY!
Sorry to have gone on so long. VERY VERY VERY good and connected with him appointment. He acknowledged that he may have miscommunicated some stuff, and that we've had misunderstandings. HE ACKNOWLEDGED his part in things. That made me feel really good, too.
Thanks for reading so far. I've got some hurting to feel, and stuff to process and I don't know how to get through this but for now I have to really let myself FEEL what's going on with me, and be PRESENT and take it IN and ABSORB it, and mull it over and think and feel and figure out. Instead of tucking it away and not feeling.
I'm not wallowing, though. I have to experience it if I'm ever going to get THROUGH it. The way out is THROUGH, and unfortunately, the way, the path, is involving alot of hard stuff and PAIN. So what else is knew . . .(I did that on purpose . . .)
Wow. That was a FREAKIN' AWESOME appointment.
That isn't to say I wasn't presented with some very hurtful and difficult things. The hurtful things, though, the extremely EXTREMELY hurtful, mostly inaccurate and even inclusive of skewed perceptions and things that ARE NOT TRUE . . . are from a so-called "friend" who spoke with him on the phone. He, of course, couldn't even acknowledge that I was a patient of his, but he could talk with her about what information she was giving.
OH MY HELL. FRIEND my ass. FRIENDS do not do/think/feel/deceive like this one. She's actually the one who hooked me up with both mental health professionals, and I'll always be grateful. And I guess we have a friendship, of a sort, but I no longer trust her. HELL NO. I can't even figure out where she came up with some of the stuff she thinks/feels about me, some of the stuff she related as fact that I am completely confused about and hurt by . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
It was REALLY HARD to hear. Dr. Brinley was actually really impressed with how I handled it, and listened and took it in. That made me feel good, when he said that. I will have to process and FEEL, FEEL alot of pain and other unpleasant crud, about the stuff from her, that also regarded some other people whom I had, but now will not, trust. Yes, I need to check out things with them, in the interests of healthy relationships and me not mind-reading and jumping to conclusions and other stuff, but . . . OH MY HELL . . . hell being a good word for this. I will have to sort out the wheat from the chaff, even if the wheat, the difficult things she had to say about me that hold partial truth or some merit, and the FEW things, difficult as they may be, that may hold complete truth, are horribly painful for me. (Depending on what one means by truth, but they may be the truth of our interactions and my behavior with her; a VERY few of the things she said, though, hold that much truth and reality . . .).
Still, my ability to even approach the idea that some of what she said may have REAL applicability to me, IS a strong thing about me.
Anyway, the appointment was HARD, but less hard in some ways I had feared, MORE hard in others, and VERY SURPRISING in quite a few aspects, and ASTONISHINGLY what I could barely have hoped for as the best, in others.
WOW.
I am hurting, and DEEPLY. And feeling betrayed . . . . but none of this about Dr. B. It's all about the "friend" and co. How could this even be . . . I am feeling SO SO SO like people in this ward (my local LDS congregation, for those of you not familiar with Mormon-speak) are HUGE hypocrites, coming off all righteous and humble and we are so happy to do and be this with and for you and stuff . . . . when apparently, BEHIND MY BACK, THEY HAVE said hurtful things, things about how they feel about my interactions with them, VERY NEGATIVE things . . . how the hell dare they pretend to be what they pretend to be? HOW THE HELL CAN THEY EVEN LOOK ME IN THE FACE the few times I manage to successfully fight the bipolar, anxiety disorders, agoraphobia, and medication tiredness, to get to church . . . and how DARE they, how COULD they even act like they are my friends AND ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE ME . . . when, in fact, they have done and said these things and felt these bad things to this "friend".
I AM SO HURTING INSIDE. IT HURTS, SO BADLY IT HURTS. SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!
But, as regards the appointment . . . . . WOW. It was VERY VERY VERY intense . . . but I am so glad that he is not rejecting me, that HE sees progress, that HE knows I am moving forward with things . . . that HE knows I want to get better, that HE knows I am working on it, that HE knows I am the way I am because it was survival mechanisms from when I was younger and the only way I could get through . . . .
EDITED: HOW DARE THEY REJECT ME (for the things they are rejecting me for, that they said they'd be understanding and accepting of me for . . . . It is their right and privilege, though . . . but I AM THE ILL ONE, HERE, AND THEY ARE NOT (they said they'd be accepting of me and my illnesses and see ME, and stuff) . . . WHY can't they see the Sara who is TRYING so DAMN hard . . . it HURTS so bad how MUCH AND HARD I TRY!
Sorry to have gone on so long. VERY VERY VERY good and connected with him appointment. He acknowledged that he may have miscommunicated some stuff, and that we've had misunderstandings. HE ACKNOWLEDGED his part in things. That made me feel really good, too.
Thanks for reading so far. I've got some hurting to feel, and stuff to process and I don't know how to get through this but for now I have to really let myself FEEL what's going on with me, and be PRESENT and take it IN and ABSORB it, and mull it over and think and feel and figure out. Instead of tucking it away and not feeling.
I'm not wallowing, though. I have to experience it if I'm ever going to get THROUGH it. The way out is THROUGH, and unfortunately, the way, the path, is involving alot of hard stuff and PAIN. So what else is knew . . .(I did that on purpose . . .)
Therapy Tuesday
Actor Crush of the Day: Ewan McGregor
I had a decent ologist appointment.
I told him he was stupid. I know he's not, but when I have these feelings of anger come up about him or something he did or said, I need to tell him. It's hard pushing through the social convention of "being nice" to do that, but telling him he's stupid actually tells him more about what's going on with me, than "being nice" does. Lol . . .
He's not stupid, though. But at least I know there's somewhere I can go and talk to someone I can call stupid all I want, and he won't get mad at me and he'll still like me. 8^D The joys of the therapeutic relationship.
I really like my ologist. He's very easy-going, mild, laid back, easy to talk to, a great listener, and very supportive.
Now, we leave in 10 minutes for the Bad Cop psychiatrist, in my Good Cop/Bad Cop of mental health care combo.
Here's hoping I'm in one piece when he's through with me.
I had a decent ologist appointment.
I told him he was stupid. I know he's not, but when I have these feelings of anger come up about him or something he did or said, I need to tell him. It's hard pushing through the social convention of "being nice" to do that, but telling him he's stupid actually tells him more about what's going on with me, than "being nice" does. Lol . . .
He's not stupid, though. But at least I know there's somewhere I can go and talk to someone I can call stupid all I want, and he won't get mad at me and he'll still like me. 8^D The joys of the therapeutic relationship.
I really like my ologist. He's very easy-going, mild, laid back, easy to talk to, a great listener, and very supportive.
Now, we leave in 10 minutes for the Bad Cop psychiatrist, in my Good Cop/Bad Cop of mental health care combo.
Here's hoping I'm in one piece when he's through with me.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Bullying MIGHT Affect a Child? Idiots . . .
I was horribly bullied my entire elementary school years and all but the last 5 weeks of junior high (we moved across country.)
MIGHT my ass!!
IDIOTS. Lol.
They've proven there's a good deal of impact on a child's brain when subjected to prolonged periods of stress . . . leading to the development of mental illness and other problems as they grow up. I forget where I read that, but I have LIVED this, in excruciating detail.
EXCRUCIATING.
MIGHT? That's like saying the December 2004 Tsunami (or was it January 2005?) was probably going to get some people wet. (NOT comparing the severity of the two as being equal, but making an understatement comparison.)
I-D-I-O-T-S!!!
Yeah, so it's just a stupid MSN article, but still.
I do not think most of America has any concept of what kind of damage this nasty childhood behavior can do. Yes, they are aware of Columbine and other school shootings, some of which were perpetrated by picked-on, bullied kids. I still don't think they know . . . .
Oprah often goes way too far with some stuff, but sometimes she has some good shows. I don't watch often anymore, but one that caught my attention showed a 13 year old girl, speaking up about bullying. She was a victim. Most of it was her mother, talking, though, as it was really difficult for the girl.
I can SO relate.
But her story, of being VICIOUSLY and INHUMANELY treated . . . . while the specifics were different, the beyond-the-pale cruelty and dehumanizing-ness that was intended and enjoyed by the perpetrators was the same. There's bullying, and then there's stuff that'd shock alot of people. Sometimes for what it is, sometimes for the RELENTLESSNESS of it, sometimes for the absolute extremely apparent attitude on the parts of the bullies and others around them, that the victim was no kind of being at all, with any kind of feelings, rights, of any worth, concern, or value. NOT HUMAN.
Wow. I didn't intend to do a bullying post today, but there it is. I have alot to say on the subject, but I'm tired. Til tomorrow!
Here's the understating article quote:
MIGHT my ass!!
IDIOTS. Lol.
They've proven there's a good deal of impact on a child's brain when subjected to prolonged periods of stress . . . leading to the development of mental illness and other problems as they grow up. I forget where I read that, but I have LIVED this, in excruciating detail.
EXCRUCIATING.
MIGHT? That's like saying the December 2004 Tsunami (or was it January 2005?) was probably going to get some people wet. (NOT comparing the severity of the two as being equal, but making an understatement comparison.)
I-D-I-O-T-S!!!
Yeah, so it's just a stupid MSN article, but still.
I do not think most of America has any concept of what kind of damage this nasty childhood behavior can do. Yes, they are aware of Columbine and other school shootings, some of which were perpetrated by picked-on, bullied kids. I still don't think they know . . . .
Oprah often goes way too far with some stuff, but sometimes she has some good shows. I don't watch often anymore, but one that caught my attention showed a 13 year old girl, speaking up about bullying. She was a victim. Most of it was her mother, talking, though, as it was really difficult for the girl.
I can SO relate.
But her story, of being VICIOUSLY and INHUMANELY treated . . . . while the specifics were different, the beyond-the-pale cruelty and dehumanizing-ness that was intended and enjoyed by the perpetrators was the same. There's bullying, and then there's stuff that'd shock alot of people. Sometimes for what it is, sometimes for the RELENTLESSNESS of it, sometimes for the absolute extremely apparent attitude on the parts of the bullies and others around them, that the victim was no kind of being at all, with any kind of feelings, rights, of any worth, concern, or value. NOT HUMAN.
Wow. I didn't intend to do a bullying post today, but there it is. I have alot to say on the subject, but I'm tired. Til tomorrow!
Here's the understating article quote:
"In light of their findings, “bullying could be regarded as a stressful life event that might influence children’s normal development,” Arseneault and her co-authors conclude."
Thursday, July 06, 2006
IF I can find a ride, I can go to appt tomorrow.
I scheduled the wrong day for hubby to have the morning off, today. So's I need to find a ride, and the usual suspects have plans.
I am armed with everything I need, including an unrepresented medical records release form, that refers, in legalese, but clearly, to specific sections of HIPAA. He has 30 days to release em.
Thing is, I suspect he's going to fight it anyway, and insist it go to SSA or lawyer, but it needs to come to ME so that it goes through a certain process of review and discussion before they get mailed off to the administrative law judge or wherever it goes.
He's also insisting patients can't just request their records, so's they can have copies just to keep for themselves. I'm kinda like, well, I have a purpose, and a special release I'm signing that goes through all that legalese rigmarole, but nowhere in my readings of HIPAA and the interpretations of it by the APA and research done on it by my state Attorney General's office, does it say you have to have a specific purpose for them. They all reiterate a patient's rights.
AND the APA interpretation spells out in plain English, what he can hold back, and what he has to release (diagnoses, prognosis, progress, and other stuff). American Psychiatric Association . . . they went through it and made this document to explain it particularly to the point of view of psychiatrists . . .
Anyhoo, so I'm armed, and dangerous! (Um, no plans to be to self, or anything, although I am in alot of distress and am seeking (but so far not finding) extra medical/mental help.)
I am armed with everything I need, including an unrepresented medical records release form, that refers, in legalese, but clearly, to specific sections of HIPAA. He has 30 days to release em.
Thing is, I suspect he's going to fight it anyway, and insist it go to SSA or lawyer, but it needs to come to ME so that it goes through a certain process of review and discussion before they get mailed off to the administrative law judge or wherever it goes.
He's also insisting patients can't just request their records, so's they can have copies just to keep for themselves. I'm kinda like, well, I have a purpose, and a special release I'm signing that goes through all that legalese rigmarole, but nowhere in my readings of HIPAA and the interpretations of it by the APA and research done on it by my state Attorney General's office, does it say you have to have a specific purpose for them. They all reiterate a patient's rights.
AND the APA interpretation spells out in plain English, what he can hold back, and what he has to release (diagnoses, prognosis, progress, and other stuff). American Psychiatric Association . . . they went through it and made this document to explain it particularly to the point of view of psychiatrists . . .
Anyhoo, so I'm armed, and dangerous! (Um, no plans to be to self, or anything, although I am in alot of distress and am seeking (but so far not finding) extra medical/mental help.)
Here's hoping I'm Daniel . . .
walking into the Lion's den, and that I come back out unscathed (yeah, right, lol!!)
Syd, I just got your email, THANK you. No time I have to go, but I'll reply later. Mebbe I can hold on to what you said while he's lambasting me or whatever.
Elizabeth, THANK you for your comments, they help.
Well . . . here we go.
EDITED: Woops, my appt. is at 10:30 am tomorrow morning. Hope I can find a ride. Lol! Whew, another day . . . . dunno if that's a good or a bad thing . . . .
Syd, I just got your email, THANK you. No time I have to go, but I'll reply later. Mebbe I can hold on to what you said while he's lambasting me or whatever.
Elizabeth, THANK you for your comments, they help.
Well . . . here we go.
EDITED: Woops, my appt. is at 10:30 am tomorrow morning. Hope I can find a ride. Lol! Whew, another day . . . . dunno if that's a good or a bad thing . . . .
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I spoke with the Deputy Director of Human Services
I'll post more about it in the next couple of weeks; it was a really good phone call. I'll post more about what I'll be doing next, too.
I'm just rather distracted by tomorrow and I will most likely be in an emotional state for awhile after tomorrow.
Cause Dr. Brinley is . . . . well, Dr. Brinley.
Anyway, twas a VERY good phone call.
I'm just rather distracted by tomorrow and I will most likely be in an emotional state for awhile after tomorrow.
Cause Dr. Brinley is . . . . well, Dr. Brinley.
Anyway, twas a VERY good phone call.
Stuff I SHOULD (distorted thought) do Today to Prepare for the Lion's Den (AKA Psychiatrist)
Do some writing, about Dr. Brinley, his manner, my fears, just about anything that has to do with him.
Write down my 3-4 main points about problems I have with things he said and did last time.
Do some CBT sheets on thoughts about Thursday's appointment (I have some thoughts of an old west style OK Corral type confrontation . . . lol. Would he be Doc Holladay? Hee hee hee . . .)
Then again, I can see still working with him IF he responds to me and doesn't just dismiss my problems from last time, and is open to the idea that HE may be MISSING something about ME. (And I'm NOT talking about the fact that he doesn't think I have one of the major diagnoses that my ologist thinks I have . . . the iatrist's view is skewed because he tends to be very confrontational and that brings out stuff in me that makes it look like THAT's my biggest problem, when it's not . . . ) I'm talking about that I try as HARD as I can to tell him what he needs to know, and he cuts me down for it; cuts me down for my best tries, as though I'm grasping out in left fields, and avoiding the matter at hand, when I'm actually telling him the best/most I can come up with . . .
Hey, you know what, this post itself is helping me come up with ways to explain some of my problems with him, TO him, that would probably desert me under pressure, as usual.
So that's good, right there/here.
Will I sleep tomorrow night? I hope so . . . Will Dr. Derry L. Brinley, D.O., be late by 20-40 minutes for his first appointment of the day Thursday (me!), again? Stay tuned . . . .
Do I wonder now if his name will come up in Google searches, and my "problems" with him might affect other potential patients of his? Hrmmm. It's not why I did it, but hey, I shouldn't haveta hide his name, either.
I do feel I am a person of integrity, though. I would hope that I'd be in a state of mind to where, if I'm really hurt and angry about Thursday's appointment, that I wouldn't just come and bash him here for the sake of just bashing and making him a negatively viewed target through Google . . . . That would be a mean thing to do to someone.
Still, I am relating my experiences. He did say last fall that he is always working on learning to be a better doctor, so I hope if I haveta remind him of that that maybe he'll calm down a little (I'll do it when I'm too scared to say anything else, and say, Hey, Dr. Brinley? You once told me this . . . is it still true? Cause I'm terrified to say anything right now . . . ) and hopefully it'll go over well, instead of like a me trying to make him think what I want or kind of a HEY you need to learn how to be a better doc from ME. Which I don't think. I just think he gets too personally defensive sometimes . . .
Anyhoo! Once more, into the breach, or is it breech? If I'm goin to bed, it's once more, out of the breeches . . . and into the frying pan? Or into the fire? I'm mixing metaphors and all that kinda crap again, I'd better go!!!
Except, ok, what else to do to prepare for Thurs?
Highlight the printout of what HIPAA says, that SR posted some links to, that the APA or something answered questions about in for psychiatrists, about what if they don't want to release records and stuff, (yes they do haveta! except psychotherapy notes), and what parts they DO have to release. I need to highlight those parts for him.
Ok. CBT, writing, writing down problems from last time, and highlighting the pertinent parts of the HIPAA printout.
Oh yeah. PRAY!!!!!
Make sure to take a half to a whole Xanax as I'm on the way up there Thurs morning . . . .
Write down my 3-4 main points about problems I have with things he said and did last time.
Do some CBT sheets on thoughts about Thursday's appointment (I have some thoughts of an old west style OK Corral type confrontation . . . lol. Would he be Doc Holladay? Hee hee hee . . .)
Then again, I can see still working with him IF he responds to me and doesn't just dismiss my problems from last time, and is open to the idea that HE may be MISSING something about ME. (And I'm NOT talking about the fact that he doesn't think I have one of the major diagnoses that my ologist thinks I have . . . the iatrist's view is skewed because he tends to be very confrontational and that brings out stuff in me that makes it look like THAT's my biggest problem, when it's not . . . ) I'm talking about that I try as HARD as I can to tell him what he needs to know, and he cuts me down for it; cuts me down for my best tries, as though I'm grasping out in left fields, and avoiding the matter at hand, when I'm actually telling him the best/most I can come up with . . .
Hey, you know what, this post itself is helping me come up with ways to explain some of my problems with him, TO him, that would probably desert me under pressure, as usual.
So that's good, right there/here.
Will I sleep tomorrow night? I hope so . . . Will Dr. Derry L. Brinley, D.O., be late by 20-40 minutes for his first appointment of the day Thursday (me!), again? Stay tuned . . . .
Do I wonder now if his name will come up in Google searches, and my "problems" with him might affect other potential patients of his? Hrmmm. It's not why I did it, but hey, I shouldn't haveta hide his name, either.
I do feel I am a person of integrity, though. I would hope that I'd be in a state of mind to where, if I'm really hurt and angry about Thursday's appointment, that I wouldn't just come and bash him here for the sake of just bashing and making him a negatively viewed target through Google . . . . That would be a mean thing to do to someone.
Still, I am relating my experiences. He did say last fall that he is always working on learning to be a better doctor, so I hope if I haveta remind him of that that maybe he'll calm down a little (I'll do it when I'm too scared to say anything else, and say, Hey, Dr. Brinley? You once told me this . . . is it still true? Cause I'm terrified to say anything right now . . . ) and hopefully it'll go over well, instead of like a me trying to make him think what I want or kind of a HEY you need to learn how to be a better doc from ME. Which I don't think. I just think he gets too personally defensive sometimes . . .
Anyhoo! Once more, into the breach, or is it breech? If I'm goin to bed, it's once more, out of the breeches . . . and into the frying pan? Or into the fire? I'm mixing metaphors and all that kinda crap again, I'd better go!!!
Except, ok, what else to do to prepare for Thurs?
Highlight the printout of what HIPAA says, that SR posted some links to, that the APA or something answered questions about in for psychiatrists, about what if they don't want to release records and stuff, (yes they do haveta! except psychotherapy notes), and what parts they DO have to release. I need to highlight those parts for him.
Ok. CBT, writing, writing down problems from last time, and highlighting the pertinent parts of the HIPAA printout.
Oh yeah. PRAY!!!!!
Make sure to take a half to a whole Xanax as I'm on the way up there Thurs morning . . . .
Monday, July 03, 2006
Soothing Baths, Books, and Stupid Docs & Medical Records Releases
Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan Ewan McGregor Sean Connery Hugh Laurie Hugh Jackman Hugh Grant Um, any handsome British actor, really . . . .ALl of em!
Yummy bunch of actors, there!
Let's see, nothing like a good Looooong soak in the tub, with a nice, yummy mystery to read . . . . Just discovered Joanne Fluke, and her Hannah Swensen mysteries. The protaganist, Hannah, is the proprietor of The Cookie Jar, a nice bakery shop. She also happens to stumble across dead bodies now and then, and get caught up in the investigations, as cookie-bakers tend to do (hee hee hee!)
This was a YUMMY book, and for more than just the recipes (There's one or two I'm DYING to try at the end of the week, if possible, when we have a paycheck . . . .)
I just felt so soothed, calmed, relaxed, and NURTURED while reading this, I don't know why but it was an excellent escape. The bath helped too, especially as I discovered I had a bad UTI yesterday (TMI? who me? lol!), and a bath is about the only thing that makes me feel better whilst I wait for those pills that turn your pee orange, to kick in and stop the pain and horrible discomfort.
Anyway. I was proud of myself for taking care of myself and relaxing and de-stressing and stuff. My hubby even baked me a cake at my request, and I had some whilst I bathed (anyone else snack during a long, hot bath? Nothing like a sweet to go with a yummy book . . . besides the book was making me hungry, lol!!)
So I turned into a prune, but at least Willy Wonka wasn't there to send me to the juicing room! Prune juice, ugh! For those Trekkie/Trekkers out there, Lieutenant Worf (Klingon) enjoyed this as his favorite drink . . . no wonder he always seemed grumpy!!! Hee hee hee.
Therapy today . . . well, that about sums it up.
Now, to face the Beast later this week. I'm hoping he'll respond with some recognition of his responsibility in certain things, and accept that, and really engage with me instead of talking AT me and/or DOWN to me. Still, it's just a medcheck, but I MUST address a few things with him, and he doesn't like me to carry things inside about our rocky working relationship beyond the appointment after my problem with him. So it's address em now.
Besides arguing with him about getting copies of medical records (clinic notes I think? The portion of his records that he releases to places, I know there is a portion that does not get released.) He insists they are his work product, but what about HIPAA, doesn't that provide for the patient requesting copies? I know he can't legally charge more than the cost of copying for them, but I dunno the he'll even give me ANY! It's for the Social Security Disability thing, and I need them direct to me, not the lawyer, so they can be discussed before sending to the SSA. If he faxes them straight to the lawyer, that won't happen, and the lawyer stressed that we need to discuss em.
They may be his work product, but he is being PAID for his services on my behalf, for his time and work and expertise on my behalf, which, I know doesn't ENTITLE me to records, but it's not like I'm asking for something that hasn't already been partially paid for . . . . if you know what I mean? Him insisting that it's his work product and that he "owns" it, kinda offends me a bit, that he thinks that such deeply personal information about me can A) be owned completely by one person, and C) that it's as though he's somehow doing a whole lotta work with no compensation and so that also means he owns it, D) that he's so offended I'd even ask for copies of the "clinic notes" or whatever, that it's so ridiculous that I'd need them . . . .
See, lawyers aren't under HIPAA, at least that's what the lawyer tells me. I have a release that I can give him stating a bunch of stuff, and that he is required to release em cause it's needed for Social Security disability stuff, but the lawyer also said not to tell him I have a lawyer . . . .
Well, the only way I could get the records out of him last Oct. of 2005 was to give him the lawyer's fax number to fax them directly. So now he probably WILL NOT release them to anyone but the lawyer . . .
See, why would he need my signature to release the records to anybody, if he owned them completely? Is he saying he gets to do what he wants with em, when he wants, no matter what? His saying they are his work product and no one gets access but him, offends me in that way . . . . why, then, is my signature required to release them?
Anybody know anything about this to help me? Where HIPAA might be explained on the web so's I'll have some ammunition?
Davis Behavioral Health is being a big pain too. It's been a year and still can't get them . . . they are violating the law, aren't they? In not releasing stuff . . .
Sorry to go on so long . . .
Sara
Yummy bunch of actors, there!
Let's see, nothing like a good Looooong soak in the tub, with a nice, yummy mystery to read . . . . Just discovered Joanne Fluke, and her Hannah Swensen mysteries. The protaganist, Hannah, is the proprietor of The Cookie Jar, a nice bakery shop. She also happens to stumble across dead bodies now and then, and get caught up in the investigations, as cookie-bakers tend to do (hee hee hee!)
This was a YUMMY book, and for more than just the recipes (There's one or two I'm DYING to try at the end of the week, if possible, when we have a paycheck . . . .)
I just felt so soothed, calmed, relaxed, and NURTURED while reading this, I don't know why but it was an excellent escape. The bath helped too, especially as I discovered I had a bad UTI yesterday (TMI? who me? lol!), and a bath is about the only thing that makes me feel better whilst I wait for those pills that turn your pee orange, to kick in and stop the pain and horrible discomfort.
Anyway. I was proud of myself for taking care of myself and relaxing and de-stressing and stuff. My hubby even baked me a cake at my request, and I had some whilst I bathed (anyone else snack during a long, hot bath? Nothing like a sweet to go with a yummy book . . . besides the book was making me hungry, lol!!)
So I turned into a prune, but at least Willy Wonka wasn't there to send me to the juicing room! Prune juice, ugh! For those Trekkie/Trekkers out there, Lieutenant Worf (Klingon) enjoyed this as his favorite drink . . . no wonder he always seemed grumpy!!! Hee hee hee.
Therapy today . . . well, that about sums it up.
Now, to face the Beast later this week. I'm hoping he'll respond with some recognition of his responsibility in certain things, and accept that, and really engage with me instead of talking AT me and/or DOWN to me. Still, it's just a medcheck, but I MUST address a few things with him, and he doesn't like me to carry things inside about our rocky working relationship beyond the appointment after my problem with him. So it's address em now.
Besides arguing with him about getting copies of medical records (clinic notes I think? The portion of his records that he releases to places, I know there is a portion that does not get released.) He insists they are his work product, but what about HIPAA, doesn't that provide for the patient requesting copies? I know he can't legally charge more than the cost of copying for them, but I dunno the he'll even give me ANY! It's for the Social Security Disability thing, and I need them direct to me, not the lawyer, so they can be discussed before sending to the SSA. If he faxes them straight to the lawyer, that won't happen, and the lawyer stressed that we need to discuss em.
They may be his work product, but he is being PAID for his services on my behalf, for his time and work and expertise on my behalf, which, I know doesn't ENTITLE me to records, but it's not like I'm asking for something that hasn't already been partially paid for . . . . if you know what I mean? Him insisting that it's his work product and that he "owns" it, kinda offends me a bit, that he thinks that such deeply personal information about me can A) be owned completely by one person, and C) that it's as though he's somehow doing a whole lotta work with no compensation and so that also means he owns it, D) that he's so offended I'd even ask for copies of the "clinic notes" or whatever, that it's so ridiculous that I'd need them . . . .
See, lawyers aren't under HIPAA, at least that's what the lawyer tells me. I have a release that I can give him stating a bunch of stuff, and that he is required to release em cause it's needed for Social Security disability stuff, but the lawyer also said not to tell him I have a lawyer . . . .
Well, the only way I could get the records out of him last Oct. of 2005 was to give him the lawyer's fax number to fax them directly. So now he probably WILL NOT release them to anyone but the lawyer . . .
See, why would he need my signature to release the records to anybody, if he owned them completely? Is he saying he gets to do what he wants with em, when he wants, no matter what? His saying they are his work product and no one gets access but him, offends me in that way . . . . why, then, is my signature required to release them?
Anybody know anything about this to help me? Where HIPAA might be explained on the web so's I'll have some ammunition?
Davis Behavioral Health is being a big pain too. It's been a year and still can't get them . . . they are violating the law, aren't they? In not releasing stuff . . .
Sorry to go on so long . . .
Sara
Saturday, July 01, 2006
I'm Back!
Or Front, take your pick.
DD is upset that the shuttle launch got canceled; she doesn't seem to understand my explanation about safety/thunderstorms and stuff. She was really looking forward to watching it with me! We'll try again tomorrow . . . . here's hoping things go well, for all concerned!
No update on the contacting Ms. Church issue yet; I've been out of town since Tuesday and just got back late last night; I was going to make more attempts while gone, but was rather discouraged. Still, I need to find some courage somewhere and keep going with it . . . it's VERY hard for me, though.
Your encouragement means alot to me. It helps alot.
I had some nice, relaxing days at my parents' house. It was great to get away from this cave of an apartment, with all the guilt of all the undone things around here (laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.) I am embarassed to admit this, but it is a way that shows part of the disabling nature of what I am going through . . . I don't/can't clean very often . . .I try hard to mentally whip myself into doing it, but 99.99% of the time all that does is do me damage inside.
So, it was nice to get away from undone responsibilities. Guess that makes me irresponsible . . . . bet you can guess what song is going through my head NOW, lol!! Maybe that's a label, though, so I shouldn't do it (you know, it ALWAYS bugs me that according to Dr. Burns and/or cognitive behavioral theory/therapy that "shoulds" are distorted thoughts, things you should (hee hee) work on changing that thought. But then, when the "shoulds" are about certain things and are certain KINDS of shoulds, it seems to me that THOSE are not discouraged much, if at all) . . . I'll come up with some examples sometime soon.
So anyhoo. I've been having aLOT of headaches lately, that feel medication related . . . maybe from going down to 1200mg neurontin from 1600? I feel I do well on the 1200 when it's taken VERY regularly, and I'm less woozy . . . last time he kinda sarcastically said I could change it down to that if I wanted, since it seemed like I wasn't really caring what he said . . . .I cared, but hey, it seemed like HE wasn't listening to ME.
I was on 1200 from last Dec to this March, but then a person happened to me with some cruel remarks beyond what you may even imagine, and the stress of that, he upped the Neurontin, I thought he said as a measure to get me through a month or two until that situation abated. I'm pretty sure he said that. So when I saw him again a month later and said ok, should we go back down in dose? He was really acting like I was trying to change a permanent med situation, on my own as if I was the one who knew better than him . . . .
So for one, that made me feel like he doesn't listen, and maybe even lied to me, or I don't know. Probably another of our many miscommunications or who knows what.
By the way, I see him this Thursday. IF I GET THE COURAGE TO GO . . . . my terror is going to increase exponentially each day between now and then. I'm trying not to fortune-tell (thought distortion) like that, but I can FEEL it happening. We'll see what I can do about it, if anything.
DD is upset that the shuttle launch got canceled; she doesn't seem to understand my explanation about safety/thunderstorms and stuff. She was really looking forward to watching it with me! We'll try again tomorrow . . . . here's hoping things go well, for all concerned!
No update on the contacting Ms. Church issue yet; I've been out of town since Tuesday and just got back late last night; I was going to make more attempts while gone, but was rather discouraged. Still, I need to find some courage somewhere and keep going with it . . . it's VERY hard for me, though.
Your encouragement means alot to me. It helps alot.
I had some nice, relaxing days at my parents' house. It was great to get away from this cave of an apartment, with all the guilt of all the undone things around here (laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.) I am embarassed to admit this, but it is a way that shows part of the disabling nature of what I am going through . . . I don't/can't clean very often . . .I try hard to mentally whip myself into doing it, but 99.99% of the time all that does is do me damage inside.
So, it was nice to get away from undone responsibilities. Guess that makes me irresponsible . . . . bet you can guess what song is going through my head NOW, lol!! Maybe that's a label, though, so I shouldn't do it (you know, it ALWAYS bugs me that according to Dr. Burns and/or cognitive behavioral theory/therapy that "shoulds" are distorted thoughts, things you should (hee hee) work on changing that thought. But then, when the "shoulds" are about certain things and are certain KINDS of shoulds, it seems to me that THOSE are not discouraged much, if at all) . . . I'll come up with some examples sometime soon.
So anyhoo. I've been having aLOT of headaches lately, that feel medication related . . . maybe from going down to 1200mg neurontin from 1600? I feel I do well on the 1200 when it's taken VERY regularly, and I'm less woozy . . . last time he kinda sarcastically said I could change it down to that if I wanted, since it seemed like I wasn't really caring what he said . . . .I cared, but hey, it seemed like HE wasn't listening to ME.
I was on 1200 from last Dec to this March, but then a person happened to me with some cruel remarks beyond what you may even imagine, and the stress of that, he upped the Neurontin, I thought he said as a measure to get me through a month or two until that situation abated. I'm pretty sure he said that. So when I saw him again a month later and said ok, should we go back down in dose? He was really acting like I was trying to change a permanent med situation, on my own as if I was the one who knew better than him . . . .
So for one, that made me feel like he doesn't listen, and maybe even lied to me, or I don't know. Probably another of our many miscommunications or who knows what.
By the way, I see him this Thursday. IF I GET THE COURAGE TO GO . . . . my terror is going to increase exponentially each day between now and then. I'm trying not to fortune-tell (thought distortion) like that, but I can FEEL it happening. We'll see what I can do about it, if anything.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Well, She Didn't Call Today . . .
Partly relieved, but mostly peeved and nervous and discouraged.
It is 5:40, so office hours are pretty much over . . . .
I will call her tomorrow morning. If I can't get through, I am not sure whether I should write her a letter, or leave the Governor a phone message . . . maybe I could email him, if there's something set up for that. Part of me feels that that last option would have the best chance of getting through to him, because whatever office person screens the email from the public to him, would possibly think, "Oh! She talked to him on the radio, and can't get a response from the person he told her to call . . . I'd better let him know." See, I figure he'd want to know, at least, from the way he was with me, it seemed like he would . . .
I think, rather than write to Ms. Church, if she doesn't call back tomorrow, after I call her and/or leave a message, I'll call or email the Governor on Wednesday.
It isn't that my issue is such a pressing issue, but now it's more about the process and following through; not letting the bureacracy discourage me or keep me from being heard. It's important to push through this process, I think, even if I'm thinking my issue isn't all THAT, because to let the process defeat me would be . . . a defeat.
So, onward, I guess. And possibly upward . . . lol!!
It is 5:40, so office hours are pretty much over . . . .
I will call her tomorrow morning. If I can't get through, I am not sure whether I should write her a letter, or leave the Governor a phone message . . . maybe I could email him, if there's something set up for that. Part of me feels that that last option would have the best chance of getting through to him, because whatever office person screens the email from the public to him, would possibly think, "Oh! She talked to him on the radio, and can't get a response from the person he told her to call . . . I'd better let him know." See, I figure he'd want to know, at least, from the way he was with me, it seemed like he would . . .
I think, rather than write to Ms. Church, if she doesn't call back tomorrow, after I call her and/or leave a message, I'll call or email the Governor on Wednesday.
It isn't that my issue is such a pressing issue, but now it's more about the process and following through; not letting the bureacracy discourage me or keep me from being heard. It's important to push through this process, I think, even if I'm thinking my issue isn't all THAT, because to let the process defeat me would be . . . a defeat.
So, onward, I guess. And possibly upward . . . lol!!
Just a little nervous . . .
Little = ALOT!
But, kinda cool knowing I did/am doing this. I dunno if I'll be a good advocate, but letting people know who are in authority in this state, that access to services has gone downhill, is the first, most alarming thing I think I could relate, and then ask em, so whatcha gonna do about it?
Er, not in that confrontational of a manner, of course, but I AM hoping to push for them to do something about it. At the very least, to raise the awareness of this sort of thing, because the squeaky wheel gets the grease . . . . when it comes to the state budget, and the seemingly constant cuts in mental health care funding, it'd be at least a step of progress if they didn't CUT anything, lol! Not that I have any delusions of grandeur that my action, here, will affect this huge issue much, in any of the ways I just mentioned, but HEY maybe it'll get it on someone's radar . . . .
Gonna sleep, and hope hope I do ok tomorrow and don't freeze (although, I could use a bit of colder weather . . . .)
But, kinda cool knowing I did/am doing this. I dunno if I'll be a good advocate, but letting people know who are in authority in this state, that access to services has gone downhill, is the first, most alarming thing I think I could relate, and then ask em, so whatcha gonna do about it?
Er, not in that confrontational of a manner, of course, but I AM hoping to push for them to do something about it. At the very least, to raise the awareness of this sort of thing, because the squeaky wheel gets the grease . . . . when it comes to the state budget, and the seemingly constant cuts in mental health care funding, it'd be at least a step of progress if they didn't CUT anything, lol! Not that I have any delusions of grandeur that my action, here, will affect this huge issue much, in any of the ways I just mentioned, but HEY maybe it'll get it on someone's radar . . . .
Gonna sleep, and hope hope I do ok tomorrow and don't freeze (although, I could use a bit of colder weather . . . .)
Friday, June 23, 2006
Guess we'll see on Monday!
Okay, I just screwed my courage to the sticking place, again, and called back.
I got the same lady on the phone . . . I had thought about altering my voice a little, as I was so scared she'd recognize me and treat me the same way.
Anyway, I just asked point blank, "May I speak with Ms. Church?", and she replied that Ms. Church was, I think, speaking at some function or out at something or other, I forget, but something official, and that she'd be back Monday.
I then asked to leave a message for her, and she said okay, so I left my name and phone number, and she asked of Ms. Church would know what my call was regarding. This gave me pause, because I didn't want to get into the whole beaurocratic rigamarole again, so I came up with saying no, but that it was okay. She then asked me if Ms. Church's assistant could help me (I'm assuming she was referring either to the second-in-command, the deputy director maybe? or one of the division heads again . . .), but I said no, thank you. She then said something in the middle of this again about Ms. Church not knowing what it was about? I replied with, the Governor sent me, and she seemed to accept that, without liking it.
Yippee, I am proud of myself! I thought through what I would say, at least as far as I could, and got courageous again. I was ALSO rather assertive, even though I was scared. AND I thought on my feet (okay, I was sitting, so I thought on my bum), when we were a little into the conversation and past how far I had been able to think it through . . . . and I didn't CAVE!
So, she said she'd call me back Monday. I hope I don't get shoved around to a division head again. I'm sure they are very capable people, but the Governor REALLY wanted me to talk to Ms. Church. If I do get shuffled, I will politely decline and say that I will leave a message with the Governor's office about helping me get in contact with Ms. Church.
I'm not trying to be difficult, and I know my fears are interfering with me being willing to talk to other people on this, but in this case, I am thinking that may be a GOOD thing. The Governor knows these departments, and wanted me to go straight to the top (I just checked, she IS the head of the Department of Human Services for Utah.) He was very kindly emphatic about that. So, I am also wondering if the other people would just "listen" and then just "forget" about it after I talk with them. Maybe not, but, especially considering my fears, I'd rather do this just once.
So yay for me and my courage. I feel like Don Quixote, with my lance at the ready, except I'm not tilting at windmills . . . . I'm pushing for some action and stuff on the issues at hand.
After reading the purpose of the Dept. of Human Services, and specifically going to the Mental Health page, and who receives priority treatment, it seems as though I should have been one to receive priority for treatment. Except that tricky funding issue . . . .
Anyway, I sort of look forward to talking with Lisa on Monday. I am rather terrified, though. I hope SHE doesn't try to fob me off, but I'll reiterate the Governor's desire for me to speak with her. I hope she's open to listening, as he wanted me to repeat to her EXACTLY what I told him. That's exactly how he put it.
Anyway, more news to report to y'all on Monday, I hope!
I got the same lady on the phone . . . I had thought about altering my voice a little, as I was so scared she'd recognize me and treat me the same way.
Anyway, I just asked point blank, "May I speak with Ms. Church?", and she replied that Ms. Church was, I think, speaking at some function or out at something or other, I forget, but something official, and that she'd be back Monday.
I then asked to leave a message for her, and she said okay, so I left my name and phone number, and she asked of Ms. Church would know what my call was regarding. This gave me pause, because I didn't want to get into the whole beaurocratic rigamarole again, so I came up with saying no, but that it was okay. She then asked me if Ms. Church's assistant could help me (I'm assuming she was referring either to the second-in-command, the deputy director maybe? or one of the division heads again . . .), but I said no, thank you. She then said something in the middle of this again about Ms. Church not knowing what it was about? I replied with, the Governor sent me, and she seemed to accept that, without liking it.
Yippee, I am proud of myself! I thought through what I would say, at least as far as I could, and got courageous again. I was ALSO rather assertive, even though I was scared. AND I thought on my feet (okay, I was sitting, so I thought on my bum), when we were a little into the conversation and past how far I had been able to think it through . . . . and I didn't CAVE!
So, she said she'd call me back Monday. I hope I don't get shoved around to a division head again. I'm sure they are very capable people, but the Governor REALLY wanted me to talk to Ms. Church. If I do get shuffled, I will politely decline and say that I will leave a message with the Governor's office about helping me get in contact with Ms. Church.
I'm not trying to be difficult, and I know my fears are interfering with me being willing to talk to other people on this, but in this case, I am thinking that may be a GOOD thing. The Governor knows these departments, and wanted me to go straight to the top (I just checked, she IS the head of the Department of Human Services for Utah.) He was very kindly emphatic about that. So, I am also wondering if the other people would just "listen" and then just "forget" about it after I talk with them. Maybe not, but, especially considering my fears, I'd rather do this just once.
So yay for me and my courage. I feel like Don Quixote, with my lance at the ready, except I'm not tilting at windmills . . . . I'm pushing for some action and stuff on the issues at hand.
After reading the purpose of the Dept. of Human Services, and specifically going to the Mental Health page, and who receives priority treatment, it seems as though I should have been one to receive priority for treatment. Except that tricky funding issue . . . .
Anyway, I sort of look forward to talking with Lisa on Monday. I am rather terrified, though. I hope SHE doesn't try to fob me off, but I'll reiterate the Governor's desire for me to speak with her. I hope she's open to listening, as he wanted me to repeat to her EXACTLY what I told him. That's exactly how he put it.
Anyway, more news to report to y'all on Monday, I hope!
Update on the Radio Conversation with the Governor
Well, I called the phone number Governor Huntsman gave me.
The lady there asked me what it was concerning. I asked if she was Lisa, and she said no. And yet, she didn't give me her name? Anyway, side issue.
I told her Mental Health care, and she said, "Mental Health and Substance Abuse?" And I said, yeah, even though it had nothing to do with Substance Abuse, but I suppose that's probably a department title.
I said the Governor told me to talk to Lisa Michelle Church, but she said, "Have you had a chance to talk to our division head for this category", so and so? I can't remember the name. I said no . . . she said she'd transfer me there, and then also gave me the name of someone else to talk to.
While she was transferring me, I hung up just now. I was told to talk to a certain person by Governor Huntsman, and they are beaurocratically shuffling me around??? I got the sense from her that how dare I be presumptious (sp?) to want to bother Ms/Mrs? Church . . . maybe not so much of a, how dare you, but a DEFINITE sense that I was reaching far out of my place and appropriateness and level, in wanting to talk to her. I TOLD her the Governor said to talk to her!!!
I think she is the HEAD of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah, I'll have to look that up. I think that I just had too much fear to talk to some people other than whom the Governor definitely wanted me to DIRECTLY talk to. He really was kindly emphatic about his desire that I get in touch with Lisa.
I think I made a mistake when I called, in saying what issues it was about. I think I'll call back in a bit, or tomorrow, and just emphatically request to speak with Lisa Church, and not say what it's regarding, or that I'm the same person this lady/screener/secretary? just dealt with.
Seriously, I got the beaurocratic shuffle coming across BIG time in this call, just now. And I think the Governor wanted to help me cut through that. If worse comes to worse, I'll say, hey, Governor Huntsman was emphatic that I speak with Lisa . . . he wanted me to tell HER exactly what I told HIM.
I guess we'll see how I do. I'll keep you updated (as if you are interested in what happens w/lil ole me, anyway . . . .)
The lady there asked me what it was concerning. I asked if she was Lisa, and she said no. And yet, she didn't give me her name? Anyway, side issue.
I told her Mental Health care, and she said, "Mental Health and Substance Abuse?" And I said, yeah, even though it had nothing to do with Substance Abuse, but I suppose that's probably a department title.
I said the Governor told me to talk to Lisa Michelle Church, but she said, "Have you had a chance to talk to our division head for this category", so and so? I can't remember the name. I said no . . . she said she'd transfer me there, and then also gave me the name of someone else to talk to.
While she was transferring me, I hung up just now. I was told to talk to a certain person by Governor Huntsman, and they are beaurocratically shuffling me around??? I got the sense from her that how dare I be presumptious (sp?) to want to bother Ms/Mrs? Church . . . maybe not so much of a, how dare you, but a DEFINITE sense that I was reaching far out of my place and appropriateness and level, in wanting to talk to her. I TOLD her the Governor said to talk to her!!!
I think she is the HEAD of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah, I'll have to look that up. I think that I just had too much fear to talk to some people other than whom the Governor definitely wanted me to DIRECTLY talk to. He really was kindly emphatic about his desire that I get in touch with Lisa.
I think I made a mistake when I called, in saying what issues it was about. I think I'll call back in a bit, or tomorrow, and just emphatically request to speak with Lisa Church, and not say what it's regarding, or that I'm the same person this lady/screener/secretary? just dealt with.
Seriously, I got the beaurocratic shuffle coming across BIG time in this call, just now. And I think the Governor wanted to help me cut through that. If worse comes to worse, I'll say, hey, Governor Huntsman was emphatic that I speak with Lisa . . . he wanted me to tell HER exactly what I told HIM.
I guess we'll see how I do. I'll keep you updated (as if you are interested in what happens w/lil ole me, anyway . . . .)
Now I'm feeling really STUPID about the radio call . . . .
Why is it I cycle like this? I get all bold, and do something, and then later it's like I'm shrink wrap under a heat gun . . . .
ARGH!! Am I stupid, or am I brave? I suppose those are all or nothing, to think I am one OR the other . . . . but it is hard to be anything in-between; I seem to be much about polar opposites . . . . . I get mental and emotional whiplash from all the back and forth. It's about more than just MOOD swings.
I'm talking paradigm shifts, that pull your whole worldview/perspective out from under you, and you then are operating from a place where many of the decisions you may have just made in the previous mind-set no longer make sense, and many of them you (I) can't follow through on; I have enough problems trying to do the stuff that makes sense to me, or fits with what I'm feeling or thinking.
Attitude swings . . . aside from the emotional stuff. Opinion swings too. And then there's the 'ole believing and feeling conflicting sides of an issue or situation at the same time.
I'm a storm of contrasts and extremes. Balance is NOT a part of the experience.
It's hard to explain. Somehow, I've got to LEARN balance, but even after a year of therapy, I can't even conceive of what that would be like.
I HATE HAVING SO MUCH OF ME, ABOUT ME, THAT IS ME, SHIFTING/SWINGING/CHANGING/RAPID CYCLING/ETC.
No wonder I'm dizzy, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, socially, etc., ad nauseum . . . .
Ad nauseous . . .
ARGH!! Am I stupid, or am I brave? I suppose those are all or nothing, to think I am one OR the other . . . . but it is hard to be anything in-between; I seem to be much about polar opposites . . . . . I get mental and emotional whiplash from all the back and forth. It's about more than just MOOD swings.
I'm talking paradigm shifts, that pull your whole worldview/perspective out from under you, and you then are operating from a place where many of the decisions you may have just made in the previous mind-set no longer make sense, and many of them you (I) can't follow through on; I have enough problems trying to do the stuff that makes sense to me, or fits with what I'm feeling or thinking.
Attitude swings . . . aside from the emotional stuff. Opinion swings too. And then there's the 'ole believing and feeling conflicting sides of an issue or situation at the same time.
I'm a storm of contrasts and extremes. Balance is NOT a part of the experience.
It's hard to explain. Somehow, I've got to LEARN balance, but even after a year of therapy, I can't even conceive of what that would be like.
I HATE HAVING SO MUCH OF ME, ABOUT ME, THAT IS ME, SHIFTING/SWINGING/CHANGING/RAPID CYCLING/ETC.
No wonder I'm dizzy, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, socially, etc., ad nauseum . . . .
Ad nauseous . . .
Thursday, June 22, 2006
KSL Radio Conversation w/Governor Jon Huntsman
Well . . . I just got off the phone with Governor Huntsman and Doug Wright on KSL Radio 1160 AM, in Salt Lake City, Utah.
I am not sure how I feel; I'm shaking. I feel a bit brushed off, but then again I probably need to withhold judgement until I call the person and phone number that was given to me.
I got through after quite a bit of busy signal. I related my story, which is as follows:
First I briefly mentioned the issue of health insurance parity for mental health issues, with the way other medical issues are paid. Then I got into my main issue.
I said that a year ago (and I reassured them that I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist, funded by a miraculous and private individual/organization, an unusual situation) I was trying to access mental health care. We made about $1000 too much a year for Medicaid, and were really poor and struggling to afford food. I tried to access mental health care through the county Behavioral Health system, which I had used 10 years ago, on a sliding fee scale. This time, though, I was told by the psychologist who interviewed me over the phone, that they could not accept me for treatment unless my funding came from certain sources. I don't even know what that MEANS, although I suspect it means Medicaid, Medicare, that I'd be on Social Security Disability, or have health insurance. I asked, where are people like me supposed to go, when the state fails to provide access to services for those who have nowhere to go? I was suicidal, and turned away from any care (well, I suppose I could have attempted, and gone to the hospital, but that's not sustained care). I also mentioned that in a recent NAMI report that Utah scored D for mental health care, quality of, and access to.
The host, Doug Wright, seemed to get a little impatient at this point and asked, "What can the Governor do for you on this, what can he answer?" I said, "Well, it seems like there's been a backsliding of available services, a lessening of access to care for those in need, who have nowhere to go." I tried to make sure it sounded like I was asking for his opinion/thoughts on this issue and situation, and NOT for personal help with my problems accessing this stuff. I think, especially with this last comment, that I think I finally came across with the bigger picture, maybe . . . I was SO nervous, and scared, and probably talking fast and in a monotone . . .
His response was kind. He said, "First, I am glad you are still with us, Sara. I am glad that you are doing better. We have someone who can address those things and answer you, and I'd really like you to give her a call. He then gave me the name and phone number of a lady who, I think, might be the head of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah . . . . Still, I feel kinda brushed off, a bit, I don't think and feel that they really or even more than just a tiny bit, GOT what I was trying to say . . . the problems that exist that have gotten WORSE in this state over the last decade, that I would guess is/are sending people like me away from any access to mental health care, and into the world with nowhere to turn. If it happened to me, it's happening to others . . . . Utah scored a D on the Nami report, and all they could do was give me a name and phone number?
Still, I really WILL try to withhold as much judgement as I can until I've spoken with this woman. It sounded like Governor Huntsman wants to follow up and find out from her a bit about it, MAYBE. I think it was expressed in the way and wording of what he was telling me at the end, but I was so nervous and concentrating on writing the name and number down, I can't remember. I am sure, though, that he IS concerned about the possibility that this situation has gotten WORSE in the state, and that people are in desperate straits and being rejected from care.
He was very kind, concerned, and positive with me.
Did I say my hands were still shaking? I was SO nervous and scared!!! I also wanted to bring up Annegb's horrid experience from a month or two ago, but they were getting impatient with my story, which I thought I related fairly well and fairly efficiently, given how nervous I was.
Geez, I'm still shaking. Still, I'm VERY VERY proud of myself, for stepping up and trying something to advocate for these issues.
My fingers are shaking! Okay, that's the third time I've said that. Any of you in Salt Lake who were listening, that was ME. I probably sounded like a goober.
I think I've used up all my courage for the month. Lol! For the YEAR. Annegb, it was thinking of you that helped give me the courage to do this. So THANK you. We need to talk on the phone soon.
I'd better go before I faint.
Sara
I am not sure how I feel; I'm shaking. I feel a bit brushed off, but then again I probably need to withhold judgement until I call the person and phone number that was given to me.
I got through after quite a bit of busy signal. I related my story, which is as follows:
First I briefly mentioned the issue of health insurance parity for mental health issues, with the way other medical issues are paid. Then I got into my main issue.
I said that a year ago (and I reassured them that I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist and psychologist, funded by a miraculous and private individual/organization, an unusual situation) I was trying to access mental health care. We made about $1000 too much a year for Medicaid, and were really poor and struggling to afford food. I tried to access mental health care through the county Behavioral Health system, which I had used 10 years ago, on a sliding fee scale. This time, though, I was told by the psychologist who interviewed me over the phone, that they could not accept me for treatment unless my funding came from certain sources. I don't even know what that MEANS, although I suspect it means Medicaid, Medicare, that I'd be on Social Security Disability, or have health insurance. I asked, where are people like me supposed to go, when the state fails to provide access to services for those who have nowhere to go? I was suicidal, and turned away from any care (well, I suppose I could have attempted, and gone to the hospital, but that's not sustained care). I also mentioned that in a recent NAMI report that Utah scored D for mental health care, quality of, and access to.
The host, Doug Wright, seemed to get a little impatient at this point and asked, "What can the Governor do for you on this, what can he answer?" I said, "Well, it seems like there's been a backsliding of available services, a lessening of access to care for those in need, who have nowhere to go." I tried to make sure it sounded like I was asking for his opinion/thoughts on this issue and situation, and NOT for personal help with my problems accessing this stuff. I think, especially with this last comment, that I think I finally came across with the bigger picture, maybe . . . I was SO nervous, and scared, and probably talking fast and in a monotone . . .
His response was kind. He said, "First, I am glad you are still with us, Sara. I am glad that you are doing better. We have someone who can address those things and answer you, and I'd really like you to give her a call. He then gave me the name and phone number of a lady who, I think, might be the head of the Dept. of Human Services for the State of Utah . . . . Still, I feel kinda brushed off, a bit, I don't think and feel that they really or even more than just a tiny bit, GOT what I was trying to say . . . the problems that exist that have gotten WORSE in this state over the last decade, that I would guess is/are sending people like me away from any access to mental health care, and into the world with nowhere to turn. If it happened to me, it's happening to others . . . . Utah scored a D on the Nami report, and all they could do was give me a name and phone number?
Still, I really WILL try to withhold as much judgement as I can until I've spoken with this woman. It sounded like Governor Huntsman wants to follow up and find out from her a bit about it, MAYBE. I think it was expressed in the way and wording of what he was telling me at the end, but I was so nervous and concentrating on writing the name and number down, I can't remember. I am sure, though, that he IS concerned about the possibility that this situation has gotten WORSE in the state, and that people are in desperate straits and being rejected from care.
He was very kind, concerned, and positive with me.
Did I say my hands were still shaking? I was SO nervous and scared!!! I also wanted to bring up Annegb's horrid experience from a month or two ago, but they were getting impatient with my story, which I thought I related fairly well and fairly efficiently, given how nervous I was.
Geez, I'm still shaking. Still, I'm VERY VERY proud of myself, for stepping up and trying something to advocate for these issues.
My fingers are shaking! Okay, that's the third time I've said that. Any of you in Salt Lake who were listening, that was ME. I probably sounded like a goober.
I think I've used up all my courage for the month. Lol! For the YEAR. Annegb, it was thinking of you that helped give me the courage to do this. So THANK you. We need to talk on the phone soon.
I'd better go before I faint.
Sara
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I wish I could sleep.
Sleep problems suck.
But then, so do vacuums.
I'm in a WIERRRDDD mood.
Daughter gets to stay up WAY LATE and watch the Hulk (well, some scenes I won't let her watch, but she's been doing HULK SMASH since she saw we borrowed it). It's a special treat; she's still up and it's midnight!!!
Hulk Smash. There was some post awhile ago where I was in a manic mood and saying something/somebody looked like the love child of the Grinch and the Hulk. I'll have to search that out!
It's off to the ologist again in the morning. Too much stuff happened this last week, as well as I've been broaching the subject of deeply distressing matters lately, and I had NO time for that last yesterday.
I had a REALLY BAD week. For a variety of reasons/events.
My parents went up to Yellowstone, and I SO wished I coulda gone! I hadn't realized my other sister had gone with them. I thought it was just my parents and my older brother. I miss all my family, and have been trying to plan something where my daughter and I go stay down that way for a few days, so I can hang out. Cause I never get to anymore, it seems.
You guys up for it? I was thinking about my missing my sister working up in Yellowstone, and how far away she is, and then thinking, well, just as long seems to pass before I can get down to the Provo area to see my eldest sister (or would you prefer oldest? eEeeee!) I wanna do something about that (you guys can come sleep over up here sometime too.
Anyway, gas prices DO suck, though, and we've been so tight that every gallon of gas has been eked out. BUT call me and while the parents are off, I want to see if we can come down and stay. Email me all your phone #'s again too cause I lose them all the time. Pleassseeee!!!
I want some FUN.
Oh yeah, Ma, your ODE is coming, that I promised earlier this year, hee! I've just been having alot of stuff on my mind. Besides my hair. Maybe it's UNthinning it seemed really thick today . . .
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night! First person who has commented here before, to name that movie gets . . . . to be special!!!
But then, so do vacuums.
I'm in a WIERRRDDD mood.
Daughter gets to stay up WAY LATE and watch the Hulk (well, some scenes I won't let her watch, but she's been doing HULK SMASH since she saw we borrowed it). It's a special treat; she's still up and it's midnight!!!
Hulk Smash. There was some post awhile ago where I was in a manic mood and saying something/somebody looked like the love child of the Grinch and the Hulk. I'll have to search that out!
It's off to the ologist again in the morning. Too much stuff happened this last week, as well as I've been broaching the subject of deeply distressing matters lately, and I had NO time for that last yesterday.
I had a REALLY BAD week. For a variety of reasons/events.
My parents went up to Yellowstone, and I SO wished I coulda gone! I hadn't realized my other sister had gone with them. I thought it was just my parents and my older brother. I miss all my family, and have been trying to plan something where my daughter and I go stay down that way for a few days, so I can hang out. Cause I never get to anymore, it seems.
You guys up for it? I was thinking about my missing my sister working up in Yellowstone, and how far away she is, and then thinking, well, just as long seems to pass before I can get down to the Provo area to see my eldest sister (or would you prefer oldest? eEeeee!) I wanna do something about that (you guys can come sleep over up here sometime too.
Anyway, gas prices DO suck, though, and we've been so tight that every gallon of gas has been eked out. BUT call me and while the parents are off, I want to see if we can come down and stay. Email me all your phone #'s again too cause I lose them all the time. Pleassseeee!!!
I want some FUN.
Oh yeah, Ma, your ODE is coming, that I promised earlier this year, hee! I've just been having alot of stuff on my mind. Besides my hair. Maybe it's UNthinning it seemed really thick today . . .
Good afternoon, good evening, and good night! First person who has commented here before, to name that movie gets . . . . to be special!!!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Reckless
Isn't there a song by that name?
Anyhoo . . . . I'm goin . . . goin . . . . gone!!! WAY way way way WAY up.
How's the weather down there on planet Earth . . .
Anyhoo . . . . I'm goin . . . goin . . . . gone!!! WAY way way way WAY up.
How's the weather down there on planet Earth . . .
Thursday, June 15, 2006
All in the Mind II Carnival
I'm featured in the second edition of this carnival! Click the title to go there.
Here is a direct link to my featured post: Indescribable.
Enjoy!
Here is a direct link to my featured post: Indescribable.
Enjoy!
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