How Do You Describe The Indescribable?

Actor Crush of the Day: Ben Affleck.

As it has now been approximately two weeks since I began the Neurontin, I thought it would be worthwhile to pause, reflect, and try to identify these changes, feelings, shifts, and thoughts that I am having regarding its possible effects and changes I may be starting to feel.

Update: I am not entirely sure, though, where my mania ends, and which stuff is real, begins, so keep that in mind.

I feel SOMETHING, that's for sure. FEEL isn't entirely accurate, as my FEELINGS, my emotions, are only part of the equation, here. I sense a shift, in my mind, that is elusive, but barely beginning to be less so. I sense a change in my BEINGness, in my sense of existence and PLACE. I have increased awareness of something, not indefinable, but something I can't quite put into words yet. I feel an increased sense of self; a growing view and awareness of ME, of the fullness that everything I am can be. I feel a growing sense of my personhood, my individual and powerful capacity to act, and to direct my will.

How do you describe something that you have NEVER felt before in your life? How do you describe awaking from a long sleep; from the endless slumber of my soul that was buried, enshrouded, and clothed in the mask of illness that I have been suffering from for so long? How do you describe the dawning of your mind, heart, and even soul, when you have never before known the sun? How do you describe the light, that reveals a character, ability, and breadth of identity that is unlike anything you have seen or felt before?

How do you describe the sense that is as though you have been a caterpillar all your life, knowing nothing else, not even possessing the usual caterpillar instinct to cocoon, hibernate, and grow as nature intended, that you are just discovering that you have WINGS, when you never even knew wings existed before. I feel a sense of coming into my own; a sense of approaching a threshold to a new existence, that I never even knew was there; that I never COULD know, or imagine, because I was locked in the darkness of my illness. I feel a sense of discovering my wings, and just beginning to feel the possibilities of how they can move. And, very far on the horizon, a sense of what I might do with them, once I learn . . . .

How do you describe the indescribable? How do you describe what feels like a flowering of the mind and soul; a flowering, a blossoming into the beginning of what my selfhood was meant to be all along; what my identity as a human being, what my ability as a person, my capability of directing myself should have been all along, were it not for these trials I have come to experience.

I feel the barest beginnings of a perceptual shift, and a perceptual awakening inside my heart and mind, that is beyond anything I could have ever conceived. And I have a VERY strong imagination. It is so . . . encompassing, and yet, not overwhelming because it feels so . . . elementarily essential to my soul's existence; it feels so . . . abstract and yet concrete at the same time . . . . it feels so primally important, and yet so meshed and mixed with my very being that it is . . . an expanding of awareness of will, self-direction, self-knowledge, self-awareness; a satisfyingly conscious and yet subconscious acceptance of my EXISTENCE and an embracing of the fullest reaches of my personality, my uniqueness, my ME-hood.

It is a Growing. An Expanding. A Dawning. An Awakening. An emerging of the fullness of WHO I AM. The beginning of discovering who that is, and what that MEANS. The beginning of being ABLE to discover that there is ME to discover, beyond the constraints of illness which have held me down for so long. There IS more. There is MORE. The sense of POSSIBILITY that was unimaginable, is now on the threshold of imagining. The sense of empowerment, will, ability, consciousness, self-connection, and self-presence is astonishing, enlightening, fulfilling, satisfying, and renewing.

The sense of BEGINNING . . . . is so pervasive, so positive, so filled with a sense of newness and awe.

I by no means feel that I am cured, or healed. This will take TIME, medication of course, THERAPY, care, love, friendship, and other support and resources. I am still ill, and probably will be for the rest of my life, but I am told these illnesses can be managed; that I can heal, and learn to manage them. It will be awhile, though. I must not attempt too much at once, or go overboard. I need to remember just a little at a time. This takes time, among other things, so I ask that you not be impatient with me, or EXPECT certain things from me, just because you have read my positive discoveries. Patience, love, understanding, and withholding of judgement, even if you think I should automatically BE better in any aspect, because of what you may have read.

These things are HUGE, and feel as though they will take a while to sink in, and become firmly a part of how I can be. It will take awhile to REALLY wrap my mind and heart around these things. Still, it is a very profound and excellent experience, to begin to awaken to myself, to realize that the illness clouded so much of who I am, and who I can become. So much of ME at such a basic level, even.