Why is Silliness Judged So Harshly?

Note: No one criticized me for my "100 things" post or my silliness; this is just a subject I've been thinking about for awhile. I guess it may seem that this post is a non-apology apology for my silliness, but it isn't. (Well, maybe it WAS, because I was having a panic attack about my 100 things post. But partway through composing this post, I realized that I am ME, and that is okay. Actually, that is BETTER than okay, it's GREAT! (Insert Tony the Tiger here!))

At least, I feel as though it is. Given my perceptions are strongly affected by my illnesses, particularly my anxiety disorders, this may or may not be true, to lower or higher degrees, but I wonder.

I feel strongly like I am supposed to "apologize" for the silliness in my "100 things post", and "apologize it away" by "excusing" it as an effect of my illnesses.

You know, it is sad that I feel that way. Why in this world is silliness seen as such an unacceptable, inferior type of behavior? Is it just intellectual snobbery, or just the natural tendency of people to try and find something with which to prove that someone else is inferior to them?

Silliness, it seems to me, is one of the absolutely easiest and quickly latched-onto behaviors for which people are ridiculed, demeaned, and dismissed.

I am also afraid that any readers that I have attracted will read the "100 things" post, and wonder, "Where is the eloquently expressive author of the "Chill Fog of Depression" post?". I am afraid that there will be a natural revulsion to my expressions of silliness, and people will recoil, in almost a form of social disgust, from any such behavior?

What, if anything, is so socially repulsive or socially disgusting about silliness?

I am, on many levels, an intellectual; a sedate, contemplative, more serious soul who really enjoys a good intellectual debate, discussion, or informal chat on a more intellectual level than most people I know. I am very analytical, and logical at times. I try to be very precise and expressive in the language I use, at particular times, regarding a variety of subjects.

And yet, I am also a highly impulsive person. A person full of humor, and the wide variety of ways in which it can be expressed. The spirit of humor, spontenaity and playfulness bursts forth from me in a variety of ways, means, times, and settings. It is difficult for me at times to limit the appropriateness, quantity, quality, theme, and timing of such things. This, I realize, is extremely affected by my illnesses.

And yet, I believe, without these illnesses, I would still enjoy silliness, humor, and the playful things and behaviors of life. Why should I feel so ashamed of them? I feel as though our society, and particularly even Mormon culture, tends to frown on such perceived frivolity.

I do not know how much of the silliness comes from me, and how much from the mania and illnesses. I do know that the extent and depth and breadth of how I express it is, indeed, strongly affected and caused by my conditions. I do not know as yet which is me and which is the illnesses, and, at present, I don't feel I should have to apologize for being the way I am, even if it is uncomfortable for others to accept me and my behavior.

It gets very old, and hurtful to my soul, to feel as though I "should" apologize for who I am, for how I behave, so often, in ways that other people do not approve of or agree with, just because I am ill. I do, however, take responsibility for my actions, and apologize for hurt that I have caused that wasn't a necessary part of, say, working on interpersonal issues with someone, or wasn't a necessary part of staying true to myself. (If you are trying to resolve problems between people, it is the very nature of the process that unpleasant things are going to come up.)

I tend to bend under the pressure of what other people think I should be or do, because they may be offended if I stick to what I believe I should do, but I am becoming stronger in myself. Even if what I think is appropriate to do, hurts someone else's feelings because they want us to come to their function, and we (Scott and I), don't think it fits with our plans or what we decide is what we are doing that day. This is the type of thing I mean about not apologizing for hurt I've caused someone by staying true to myself. I can't apologize for every single thing I do that doesn't fit someone else's plan, or that they don't approve of, or like. Well I could, but it damages my soul to do so.

Back to the point of feeling as though I am "supposed" to apologize for my silliness, as it probably causes discomfort for people. I need to learn to accept myself, and anytime I apologize for some behavior or such that MIGHT be causing discomfort to someone, but isn't actually harmful, OR behavior that might hurt their feelings but was necessary to stay true to the goals and principles I feel are important, it causes deep harm inside. It is as though I am apologizing for what makes me ME. As though I am apologizing for existing. As though I am SUPPOSED to apologize for being myself, because it is inconvenient for others if I do not. It is inconvenient for others to experience someone who is "different".

Again, I do not know how accurate these impressions of mine are, as my anxiety disorders severely cause alot of these types of worries. Still, over the years, it feels as though there is a lot of truth and experience in these.

Also, it feels as though I am supposed to apologize for having Bipolar, SAD, GAD, and OCD, when I feel like people want me to apologize for the behavior the illnesses effect or cause. This can be tricky, because I do take responsibility for myself, especially when I return to a state of mind and emotions in which I can recognize that I may have done something hurtful. I apologize when I feel it necessary, and sincerely do so. But, I am beginning to feel as though I overapologize for things. For the things that it feels as though the result is me apologizing for my illness, and/or silliness, and/or some other aspect of my personality or life experience. This is REALLY harmful to me inside.

Also, I do not think I should have to apologize for every joke that perhaps crossed the line, or every behavior that was so wierd, silly, depressed, needy, clingy, or selfish that it wouldn't be deemed "socially acceptable". I am not saying I have a license to behave however I want; however, I am beginning to feel that, if I apologize for every said instance I just mentioned, I would be constantly apologizing, and constantly apologizing for my illnesses.

People need to accept that it goes with the territory, and that I may behave in ways they aren't entirely comfortable with, and that I won't always apologize for such. I don't have carte blanche to let loose, but given the level and intensity of impulsivity I experience, I feel as though it should be understood that I am going to be somewhat odd, and that is just the way I am. No matter how hard I try, things will come out that perhaps aren't the best. And it is okay to be me, flawed though I am.

I feel as though people hold me to a standard that is higher than that to which they hold themselves. But then again, my anxieties make me rather paranoid.