I blurt a little too much, but when it's about my mental health it's generally after I've gotten to know someone a bit, and vice versa, when it's someone I tell about it at all.
My tumbling, pressured speech/speaking, this waterfall of thoughts that how much I'm able to hold in or not varies widely, is extremely frustrating when I'm putting every erg of my will towards plugging all the holes in the dam thing, and there's anywhere from a few to hundreds more holes in the dam than I've got digits with which to plug them up.
People tend not to like people who can't help themselves in speech/speaking/typing like that.
At the very same second as I'm exerting all my will, and stuff comes out anyway, I feel so horrid inside because I was raised that everyone is a conscious being, with control over ones' self. If I can't stop the tumble of word salad, even tho putting everything in to doing so, THAT MEANS I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF and that scares me.
If I can't control myself, who can? Hrm. Sounds like the best kind of reason to off ones' self, to me.
I don't expect it to make sense to any of you, though.
I take responsibility for myself but that's in complete contradiction to not being able to control ones' self despite every bit of force of will I can bring to (sare)bear.
I am SO pulled apart by completely contradicting stuff like this, in so many different issues . . . I guess it's a wonder I get anything done at all, anyway.
See? In two paragraphs, I go from an intellectual hypothetically "valid" reason to end things, to a much more mellow, self-accepting, hey, it's understandable, just keep working, there's alot going on here, one bit at a time, kind of thing.
Again, this complete turnaround type of thing is another reason I'm probably not so likeable, either.
I'm tempted to say I can't help it, but then, I take responsibility for myself, so that doesn't fly with me. And yet, there's two more contradictorily opposite things going on. Anyway.
I take responsibility for not being able to help it. I'm gonna have to think about that one, because it's not like I'm responsible for the fact that I have these illnesses and such. And since not being able to help it, tho trying my hardest, is a direct effect of the illnesses . . . see? more contradictions . . .
I didn't realize most of this crap until I'd typed it, as I was typing.
This is just to provide a window into how some of the struggle with mental illness, in my life, works. I'm not going to end things or anything.
I know I am not my illnesses. This blog, in large part though, is intended to help illuminate issues and experiences involved with mental illness & health, and to sometimes show what it is like to help foster greater understanding and/or awareness.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
Bringing Attention to Mental Health Issues - I AM HI
Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan & Ewan McGregor - Cause how could a gal be expected to choose between them? Today, anyway!
Visions of luscious British Isles eyecandy (although it's the voice, too) aside, I've got some bravery to report.
Firstly, the local news radio station is KSL 1160, associated with the TV station KSL channel 5. Today the Movie Show they do on Fridays, with one of my favorite newsradio people to listen to, Doug Wright, was broadcasting near one of our morning errands today, so we popped in to the Seagull Book store to see 'em.
I felt kind of foolish walking in to a store with a van with flashing lights out front, but in we went. They were at the back of the store, doing their thing, and it was cool to hear and see them in person, although very strange when they were obviously speaking with a call-in person, as we couldn't hear that component. They had a drawing going for various smaller prizes, as well as for a beautifully framed art print of the Savior.
We noodled around a bit, looking through the books (this is a book store that caters to the LDS (Mormon) faith, and at that, does so at discount (sometimes steep) prices. There are books here that you'd find in regular bookstores, as well. I was looking through some of these, particularly a gorgeous coffee-table book (though on the small side, as that type of book goes) of National Park pictures; oh, such stunning vistas, formations, features, and seasons!!
They eventually wrapped up the show with the prize drawing, and then I approached the table. I addressed Doug, and he stood up, leaned forward, and shook my hand, asking my name. While I was answering I was thinking, "Wow, his face is HUGE." Maybe an odd thing to think, but there you go. And it was. Big face, I mean. He smiled at me, and it took up his whole face and made it bigger. So that's why I thought that, anyway.
Awkwardness aside I mentioned how I had talked to him about 18 months ago on-air when he had the governor on, that I had spoken about mental health issues, and that I certainly didn't expect him to remember me but wondered if he did? He didn't seem to, so I kept going by having a short discussion with him about maybe doing some shows on Mental Health issues, and how the broken system turns away people who have no options to get better or improve, without treatment. He also said something about how if we can't even get CHIP to pass, what chance does mental health have? I agreed, although didn't realize the CHIP thing was vetoed until I came home and saw it online. I had mentioned in general the various bills in front of Congress, and such, and that I think it'd be great if they could do some shows on those.
SO, just think of me as the awareness fairy, sprinkling increased awareness of mental health issues pixie dust, wherever I roam . . . .
Get out your wands, and spread the IAMHI pixie dust. It's free, and it's sparkley (in my mind, so appropo), and it's good for society. Zero calories, fat, or carbohydrates. It makes you feel goooooood . . . . . if someone asks you what you are doing, just tell them, "I AM HI*"
*Note: Perhaps not to a cop or doctor. Hee hee.
Visions of luscious British Isles eyecandy (although it's the voice, too) aside, I've got some bravery to report.
Firstly, the local news radio station is KSL 1160, associated with the TV station KSL channel 5. Today the Movie Show they do on Fridays, with one of my favorite newsradio people to listen to, Doug Wright, was broadcasting near one of our morning errands today, so we popped in to the Seagull Book store to see 'em.
I felt kind of foolish walking in to a store with a van with flashing lights out front, but in we went. They were at the back of the store, doing their thing, and it was cool to hear and see them in person, although very strange when they were obviously speaking with a call-in person, as we couldn't hear that component. They had a drawing going for various smaller prizes, as well as for a beautifully framed art print of the Savior.
We noodled around a bit, looking through the books (this is a book store that caters to the LDS (Mormon) faith, and at that, does so at discount (sometimes steep) prices. There are books here that you'd find in regular bookstores, as well. I was looking through some of these, particularly a gorgeous coffee-table book (though on the small side, as that type of book goes) of National Park pictures; oh, such stunning vistas, formations, features, and seasons!!
They eventually wrapped up the show with the prize drawing, and then I approached the table. I addressed Doug, and he stood up, leaned forward, and shook my hand, asking my name. While I was answering I was thinking, "Wow, his face is HUGE." Maybe an odd thing to think, but there you go. And it was. Big face, I mean. He smiled at me, and it took up his whole face and made it bigger. So that's why I thought that, anyway.
Awkwardness aside I mentioned how I had talked to him about 18 months ago on-air when he had the governor on, that I had spoken about mental health issues, and that I certainly didn't expect him to remember me but wondered if he did? He didn't seem to, so I kept going by having a short discussion with him about maybe doing some shows on Mental Health issues, and how the broken system turns away people who have no options to get better or improve, without treatment. He also said something about how if we can't even get CHIP to pass, what chance does mental health have? I agreed, although didn't realize the CHIP thing was vetoed until I came home and saw it online. I had mentioned in general the various bills in front of Congress, and such, and that I think it'd be great if they could do some shows on those.
SO, just think of me as the awareness fairy, sprinkling increased awareness of mental health issues pixie dust, wherever I roam . . . .
Get out your wands, and spread the IAMHI pixie dust. It's free, and it's sparkley (in my mind, so appropo), and it's good for society. Zero calories, fat, or carbohydrates. It makes you feel goooooood . . . . . if someone asks you what you are doing, just tell them, "I AM HI*"
*Note: Perhaps not to a cop or doctor. Hee hee.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)