I blurt a little too much, but when it's about my mental health it's generally after I've gotten to know someone a bit, and vice versa, when it's someone I tell about it at all.
My tumbling, pressured speech/speaking, this waterfall of thoughts that how much I'm able to hold in or not varies widely, is extremely frustrating when I'm putting every erg of my will towards plugging all the holes in the dam thing, and there's anywhere from a few to hundreds more holes in the dam than I've got digits with which to plug them up.
People tend not to like people who can't help themselves in speech/speaking/typing like that.
At the very same second as I'm exerting all my will, and stuff comes out anyway, I feel so horrid inside because I was raised that everyone is a conscious being, with control over ones' self. If I can't stop the tumble of word salad, even tho putting everything in to doing so, THAT MEANS I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF MYSELF and that scares me.
If I can't control myself, who can? Hrm. Sounds like the best kind of reason to off ones' self, to me.
I don't expect it to make sense to any of you, though.
I take responsibility for myself but that's in complete contradiction to not being able to control ones' self despite every bit of force of will I can bring to (sare)bear.
I am SO pulled apart by completely contradicting stuff like this, in so many different issues . . . I guess it's a wonder I get anything done at all, anyway.
See? In two paragraphs, I go from an intellectual hypothetically "valid" reason to end things, to a much more mellow, self-accepting, hey, it's understandable, just keep working, there's alot going on here, one bit at a time, kind of thing.
Again, this complete turnaround type of thing is another reason I'm probably not so likeable, either.
I'm tempted to say I can't help it, but then, I take responsibility for myself, so that doesn't fly with me. And yet, there's two more contradictorily opposite things going on. Anyway.
I take responsibility for not being able to help it. I'm gonna have to think about that one, because it's not like I'm responsible for the fact that I have these illnesses and such. And since not being able to help it, tho trying my hardest, is a direct effect of the illnesses . . . see? more contradictions . . .
I didn't realize most of this crap until I'd typed it, as I was typing.
This is just to provide a window into how some of the struggle with mental illness, in my life, works. I'm not going to end things or anything.
I know I am not my illnesses. This blog, in large part though, is intended to help illuminate issues and experiences involved with mental illness & health, and to sometimes show what it is like to help foster greater understanding and/or awareness.
3 comments:
If you are speaking with a trusted friend, you should not have to censor all your comments about your illness. I am not sure why it is so hard to control what one says at times. They have done some studies of late relating to that and maybe that has something in common with your illness. I have had times when I said way too much. It was not like I was trying hard to not say anthing. But it took me a ton of words to say what some would say in a few. And I went on and on. People are still nice to me and seem to accept me. I hope you will meet some cool people like that. I know I like you and if we were to talk, I don't think you could possibly share too much for me.
Sara, I have been thinking a lot about this. I have had times where I rambled a lot that is embarassing. In some ways, I was not quite myself then. However, I would recognize immediately afterwards how much I had gone on and be embarassed. And I have shared too much at times. I am not sure if I was always in control though I was not fighting to supress it all like you.
However, not being able to control sharing too much is far different than not being able to control things that hurt other people. It is different than being a compulsive gambler or a compulsive stealer. And I bet that there are people who accept you that you do not realize. And I don't just accept you because in so many ways, I am like you. I just plain like you! You are a likeable person, Sara! Even if you sometimes say things that offend others, you are in good company with many in this world. Look at your authentic self as Dr. Phil would say. That self that you are inside even if you don't always convey it like you want on the outside. Give her room to grow and explore!!! I really don't like all the masks that society often wants people to wear and hide their pain. Yes there is a time and place for sharing. And isn't the bloggernacle great for sharing anything you want to share from the weather too your deapest fears? I just love it. I feel so much more connected to people from my online friends. And I would love to get to know you even better. Maybe sometime we can catch each other online at the forum at the same time and chat! I would really like that if you would think it would be fun. But whatever you are comfortable with, is what is important to me. Even you ever want to email me, I am there. I know that you can be shy so that's okay if you don't feel like emailing. My only worry is if I ever have offended you. Or maybe you have discovered that I am less than perfect.. But I have good qualities too that I hope make me worth being a friend.
Sara, I was thinking to myself that there was something that I thought of today that I wanted to tell you but I was blank. Now I remember what it was.
I have at times been in a state that is different than my normal state. In addition, I have matured through the years. I have sent emails to people talking about problems that were far more than they surely wanted to know. All of this is a source of embarassment. However, I also laugh at myself for things I do and it is so important for my well-being.
Also, I contemplate how there may be so much more to people than meets the eye and that I better not write anybody off. They may have deep thoughts that I am not aware of inside. At any rate, they are probably aware of body language and can sense if someone does not accept them. I am not saying that all have such awareness. However, I think one should treat all people with respect, of course. And thinking of myself and how I have acted at times and knowing full well that I am also in many ways logical and intelligent and able to engage in very reasonable conversation, I project this upon others regardless of what evidence I have seen. I cannot always see the heart. There are some people that are very innocent and that is fine too. In fact, that is a great blessing to have such sweet and dear people.
I hope I am making my point without too much rambling. Love ya!
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