Hasta la Vista, Iatrist!

I told him mebbe I'd start to look for a shrink in January, and he started to rip into me. I was like WTH? Cause one of the options he said in his letter was having gp maintain meds. Which, I know isn't an option long-term, or even medium-term. I mention this, and he's like noooooo. He says I need a shrink. Well, yeah, I knew that. So then I tell him I was thinking about January, maybe, to start looking, and he's like noooooo. Look now. He gets all ruffled about how this is why he sent out his letters two months ago, so early, so his patients would have someone lined up, and how it often is 2-3 months before a shrink can work you into his schedule, as a new patient or whatnot.

It's not my fault I couldn't read his mind. Besides, I don't know that I'm up for looking for a shrink right now, anyway. It's not like this one has been there for me; I've had to have my GP write prescriptions most of the time lately anyway, since I've not been able to get ahold of my shrink; even when I DID get ahold of him, it was really only the secretary. I hated all the back and forth thru the secretary to discuss an urgent matter with him. I'll be asking potential shrinks if that's how they do things as a matter of course, too. UGH.

Anyway. I am now shrinkless. That sounds funny . . . .

Up Yours Meds

Ok, so the title isn't THAT funny.

I hadta try, anyway, but sometimes (often?) I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel.

So, I thought it prudent to call my iatrist yesterday about upping my Neurontin from 1200mg to 1600mg, like we did in the spring when I was going through something.

I've been all over the place and far less able to rein myself in emotionally and in other ways, since the hearing.

From mid-September onward, I've had aLOT of intense and difficult things and changes happen and to plan and face fears and endure and be forced, by events, to keep coming back to.

So the logical side of me said, HEY, lookit you the past 10-12 days; I think, given what you see over that course of time, that I'd better call the iatrist.

Anyway, so we upped my meds. He had to change my appt. next week from Tues. to Friday. I don't know how I'm going to get there as dh works then.

See, with him closing his private practice December 1, he's only seeing patients two days a week now, and only in the afternoons on Thursdays and Fridays. He's also moved his office to Bountiful, but it's right on the border with Centerville.

Technically, I could walk, I think it's only a coupla miles or less, altho that is a long walk. And I haven't been there before, which is a HUGE issue.

I could take a bus, but there are alot of issues with that as well, so I don't think I can do that right now.

TOO MUCH CHANGE! Yeah, I know that's life.

I have been spending most of my time in bed, sleeping or trying to, with a bit of TV and computer thrown in. I just . . . well, I know I'm emotionally reacting to everything that's been going on, but it's hard to stop and think and pin things down, because it's a torrent of stuff. Rather overwhelming. So at least resting alot is sort of one way of taking care of myself right now and acknowledging I'm dealing with some intense things. Although it's also a retreat/withdrawal mechanism; but moreso, it's a safety issue, because I feel safe there, in/on this bed cuddled up in the perfect holey blanket and with my body pillow. It's a retreat from the incessant downpour of stuff that just won't let up for/on me. It's also a recharging, sometimes when it's done in a more positive, proactive way to keep from using myself up too much too fast; pushing too hard, over the edge; when I relax and let go and just let myself rest and take care of myself like that, because I can feel that I'm approaching an edge where if I do too much, I could end up collapsing emotionally and other ways, and be in bed for a month or more.

So, sometimes, when it's proactive for certain reasons, I suppose it's more positive than just retreating/withdrawing because I just can't cope.

At the same time, I'm not going to give up this just can't cope/retreat coping mechanism right now, as I need SOMETHING to help me get through, when everything seems too much; the longer I'm in therapy, the more I'll learn ways of dealing with things, the more things will internalize and I'll be stronger and not need so much to just withdraw. For now, it's what I do sometimes, for a variety of reasons.

The proactive thing, is actually not nearly as often being in bed all day or so much, as the other reasons are. The proactive thing often involves a couple days relaxing on the couch, watching shows that peak my interest or seem to fill a void for a time or touch me in some way . . . also CRAFTING, either stamping, or, more often when on the couch, BEADING/jewelry making/working with sterling wire and chain, too. Gemstones, I lerv em, too!

Anyway, there's a variety of things. I know I need to let myself react, alot of which is on a subconscious, not consciously thought or worked through level, but I can FEEL in my BODY and sort of the cogs and gears of my being-ness that there's a processing or a working on realizing and really feeling what's been going on, so I can more consciously get to work on it, when I've let myself react and sort of take in, subconsciously and consciously, what's happened to me.

I can't rush it, it just goes as it goes; takes its own pace.

Wow, I've rambled today. Lots going on.

I'm going to be sleepier, sometimes irresistably so, on the higher dose, but that's ok.

Seize ya later! (Yum, the scent of this wassail candle is just making me feel like I'm DRINKING a hot, but not burning hot, satisfying mug of yummy spicy goodness!)

Now you, too can be pathetic!

Get yer very own, run down, self-described (by Urban Outfitters), "Charlie Brown Pathetic Tree"! (emphasis added)

Nothing says it's Christmas quite like a depressing reminder of not feeling quite good enough. Check out the ornament which strains the tree's very ability to cope with all the stress that is the holiday season. Built in is the ability to create the appearance of even more desperate patheticness, as described in this quote from Urban Outfitters: "The bendable branches allow you to make it look just how you want, super pathetic or just kind of pathetic."

Okay, so I had to write my own copy for this poor tree. It's actually just a humble little thing, although it seems kinda sad to commercialize the humble aspect of this Charlie Brown Christmas story. Whenever we've gone to a Christmas Tree lot, we can always point out the ones we call Charlie Brown trees, anyway.

You're Putting WHAT in My Brain?

Vagus Nerve Stimulation.

Coming soon, to a depression treatment options list near you.

Apparently it was just approved for use in depressed people; apparently it has also been used for years in seizure patients.

It targets the mood center of the brain.

You have a remote control that communicates with it; I guess the signal will go through your skin and whatnot to the device in the back of your neck that is connected to the Vagus Nerve.

Sounds kinda scary. It's good to have more options for treatment-resistant depression, but I can see the late-night comedians riffing on this one already . . .

A Friend Knows the Song in Your Heart . . .

And sings it back to you when you've forgotten it. 

 Now, the therapeutic relationship isn't a friendship, per se; it's a rather unusual thing. Various approximations can be used to describe it - a professional friendship, confidante, approximate relationship, therapist (of course, that one is not an approximation), and other things. When I say it's not a friendship, it is because, of course, outside the office you don't socialize, etc. 

 Inside the office, you interact on a deep and personal level, at least, from the patient's side of things, although the therapist also is giving of themselves to help you see yourself and learn and grow and figure things out and such. 

 After such a long time working together, I know that he DOES care for my well being, although I'm not saying there's anything inappropriate. If he didn't care about his patients' progress, well being, and such, he wouldn't be doing (or at least, wouldn't be doing so well) what it is that he does . . . SO, with all that said, the term professional friendship kind of covers alot of the therapeutic relationship . . . obviously there are alot of boundaries, as is appropriate. 

 He reminded me, yesterday, that I am a person of great faith. I tend to want to feel bad for my horrid reactions yesterday, but at the same time I know that I MUST LET MYSELF FEEL and REACT to what I experience; trying to deny that is like trying to deny the Titanic didn't just strike an iceberg. I struck my own iceberg, and had and still have reactions to that. It's fine! I, and everyone else, are emotional beings. 

So, I know that the Lord knows what he's doing. That's great! 

 I don't know what He's doing, though. It's a good thing He does . . . lol! 

 With all that said, that doesn't make my experience any less difficult or any less painful, turbulent, and unstable. I feel extremely unstable. I discussed all this with my ologist yesterday, as well as I'm going to talk with him later over the phone for a bit; yesterday's session was . . . well there was much to cause a high level of worry in it, on his part.  

So o o o o ooooo . . . The Lord is at the helm, but I'm still seasick. That about sums it up. Very seasick. Don't you just love my analogies? Lol. Anyone have some airsickness bags handy? hee hee. 

 Yes, I sound rather chipper now, but that's actually just a sign of how volatile I am right now. Up, down, sideways, slantways (dontcha' just love Wonka's glass elevator!), every-which-ways. 

 No wonder I'm seasick (metaphorically speaking). I hope I don't bawl my eyes out at dd's baptism later this week! Cause I'll have both my families there, and that never happens, and that's alot of love and support in one place. Yes, I know the baptism is about her, but I can't help it that I'm going through one of the hardest things I've ever faced, right now. So, I'm looking forward to seeing friends and family on Saturday.  

Anyway, so that's how I'm doing. Not very well, and not nearly as well as I sound in this post. Off to go ride the see-saw s'more. Man, now I want s'mores . . . .