Up Yours Meds

Ok, so the title isn't THAT funny.

I hadta try, anyway, but sometimes (often?) I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel.

So, I thought it prudent to call my iatrist yesterday about upping my Neurontin from 1200mg to 1600mg, like we did in the spring when I was going through something.

I've been all over the place and far less able to rein myself in emotionally and in other ways, since the hearing.

From mid-September onward, I've had aLOT of intense and difficult things and changes happen and to plan and face fears and endure and be forced, by events, to keep coming back to.

So the logical side of me said, HEY, lookit you the past 10-12 days; I think, given what you see over that course of time, that I'd better call the iatrist.

Anyway, so we upped my meds. He had to change my appt. next week from Tues. to Friday. I don't know how I'm going to get there as dh works then.

See, with him closing his private practice December 1, he's only seeing patients two days a week now, and only in the afternoons on Thursdays and Fridays. He's also moved his office to Bountiful, but it's right on the border with Centerville.

Technically, I could walk, I think it's only a coupla miles or less, altho that is a long walk. And I haven't been there before, which is a HUGE issue.

I could take a bus, but there are alot of issues with that as well, so I don't think I can do that right now.

TOO MUCH CHANGE! Yeah, I know that's life.

I have been spending most of my time in bed, sleeping or trying to, with a bit of TV and computer thrown in. I just . . . well, I know I'm emotionally reacting to everything that's been going on, but it's hard to stop and think and pin things down, because it's a torrent of stuff. Rather overwhelming. So at least resting alot is sort of one way of taking care of myself right now and acknowledging I'm dealing with some intense things. Although it's also a retreat/withdrawal mechanism; but moreso, it's a safety issue, because I feel safe there, in/on this bed cuddled up in the perfect holey blanket and with my body pillow. It's a retreat from the incessant downpour of stuff that just won't let up for/on me. It's also a recharging, sometimes when it's done in a more positive, proactive way to keep from using myself up too much too fast; pushing too hard, over the edge; when I relax and let go and just let myself rest and take care of myself like that, because I can feel that I'm approaching an edge where if I do too much, I could end up collapsing emotionally and other ways, and be in bed for a month or more.

So, sometimes, when it's proactive for certain reasons, I suppose it's more positive than just retreating/withdrawing because I just can't cope.

At the same time, I'm not going to give up this just can't cope/retreat coping mechanism right now, as I need SOMETHING to help me get through, when everything seems too much; the longer I'm in therapy, the more I'll learn ways of dealing with things, the more things will internalize and I'll be stronger and not need so much to just withdraw. For now, it's what I do sometimes, for a variety of reasons.

The proactive thing, is actually not nearly as often being in bed all day or so much, as the other reasons are. The proactive thing often involves a couple days relaxing on the couch, watching shows that peak my interest or seem to fill a void for a time or touch me in some way . . . also CRAFTING, either stamping, or, more often when on the couch, BEADING/jewelry making/working with sterling wire and chain, too. Gemstones, I lerv em, too!

Anyway, there's a variety of things. I know I need to let myself react, alot of which is on a subconscious, not consciously thought or worked through level, but I can FEEL in my BODY and sort of the cogs and gears of my being-ness that there's a processing or a working on realizing and really feeling what's been going on, so I can more consciously get to work on it, when I've let myself react and sort of take in, subconsciously and consciously, what's happened to me.

I can't rush it, it just goes as it goes; takes its own pace.

Wow, I've rambled today. Lots going on.

I'm going to be sleepier, sometimes irresistably so, on the higher dose, but that's ok.

Seize ya later! (Yum, the scent of this wassail candle is just making me feel like I'm DRINKING a hot, but not burning hot, satisfying mug of yummy spicy goodness!)