The other things we'll get to at some other time, but at our appointment tomorrow we'll discuss what having a diagnoses means to me; he seemed kind of curious about that. He was also like, no one's told you? And I'm like, Hell no. Somebody tell me what's going on PLEASE so I can know it isn't just ME. I mean, I know it's not just me, but having a name to put to it, and a type, helps.
I don't have to explain or justify my illnesses to anyone by providing a diagnosis on a silver platter (although part of me thinks alot of people expect it, and would treat me badly if I didn't).
But. I guess it is obvious I am cycling tonight, as he put it. The psychologist, as I just got off the phone with him. I've heard the term before, but it didn't really mean much to me other than just a general term for mood swings/shifts, but now that I know it is a very specific thing for me, it helps. It's hard to explain.
Someone else might say, well DUH of course you were cycling, but for me, it was more like just picturing a pendulum going back and forth, without me really understanding anything about what was going on. It had no definition, it was just kind of a rough thing to endure, but an undefined "thing". Now I feel . . maybe a sense that I can start to learn to accept my bipolar diagnosis, instead of feeling like I'm waiting for something.
I can feel the shock (well some of that's over, but . . .as I reflect, there still actually is alot of shock, at finally HEARING the diagnosis and realizing that it is REAL, somehow you hope against all hope that it isn't, when no one has told you officially), the hurt, the disappointment, the anger at having to have this, the acceptance, et. al, that most people would feel upon hearing they have a serious disease. I feel like I've been on hold since January, kind of like a mouse running in a wheel that never goes anywhere. I've been let out of the wheel now.
I went through alot of the shock and anger and such last January, after first hearing and learning of the possibility that I could be bipolar. I was pretty much in bed for a MONTH. It was, well, kind of like the grieving process, I imagine. Except I could only get to a certain point, and no farther, because there was no actual diagnoses or anything like that. There was nothing TO accept, nothing TO learn to find the meaning of, nothing TO rail against, besides myself and some unnamed "illness(es)".
I apologize if I've hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time, A, my judgement really sucks today, and it's difficult to know where to stop, and B, when certain feelings have been harbored for years, they tend to come out . . . . I do not want to harbor them for the next 50 years.
Anyway, I feel like I am at the beginning of a process, of learning to accept the diagnoses. Funny though that sounds, since I've been acting as though that's the working diagnosis, which it has been. Although no "type" was ever mentioned, until tonight.
So I may get angry, defensive, hurt, withdrawn, extremely sad, overwhelmed, irritable, etc., as I process what this means for me. So what else is new, I am all those things frequently. I have this disease, and I'm sorry it affects the people around me, but I can't be constantly apologizing for it. Would you expect someone with cancer to constantly apologize for it? A kind that has, say, only a 1 in 6 chance of dying from it?
I ask, and beg, for your patience and kindness as I go through all of this.
11 comments:
momsays . . . more big hugs coming . . . We love you Sara . . .
hug. . . hug . . . hug
Thanks.
LizzieDaisy actually had a good point, about me maybe needing a diagnosis so I can PROVE to others I am ill. So she does have a good point there, because I struggle with that. I shouldnt' have to prove anything to anybody.
I have other reasons that I've stated as to why I wanted official word, but I really appreciate Lizzie pointing out what she did, because it helps me to be more aware of how I cave in to pressure alot.
Thanks, guys.
And especially, thank you, my wonderful husband. Without you . . . . I would be so lost. Thank you for being my partner.
Hey there Sara. Uh, don't act like I know exactly what I'm talking about, I know know where *I* have been and how I've felt about it all. Remember that. :) You may want to check out some sites where people who have bipolar post though. You don't have to post (I found it difficult), but they do provide excellent information on meds and how to cope with just about any situation and feeling. Plus it's nice to know you aren't alone.
I want to say, however, that I was cautioned by my pdoc to never use the bipolar as an excuse for bad behaviors (sometimes it seems like people on the sites will use it as one which is why I'm mentioning it). Once you know what is wrong, and I didn't for a long time, you have to do whatever it takes to be able to cope in a healthy way. A dx is a REASON for why we feel and react the way we do, but we can't let it be an excuse for doing something dumb. And if you look down the list of dumb things people with bipolar often do (and I did a lot of them before they figured it out and got me on meds), well... they're avoidable if you play your best game (therapy, meds, coping skills, talking, etc).
I know you're going to be okay with this Sara. Don't sweat the stats. I'm throttling them and so will you.
Oh, and I do remember the rapid cycling and it's no fun. Your meds should calm that down. If they don't, you need better ones. Only you know how they are working so make sure you keep your pdoc up to date on side effects and ongoing problems if you have them. I read Topamax is given to rapid cyclers who don't respond to other treatment, which is why I got on it a few years ago. I picked it myself then found someone who would treat me with it. Works beautifully for ME. :) :) :)
Hugs girlie... hang in there!
(And dang, I wish I'd read your list of family members before I outed my feelings on everything to what seems like all the blogs I like to read and post on. C'est la vie. Or not. Maybe I will switch to email.)
Yeah, I know. What I do is when I get into a better state where I can recognize what I did that was inappropriate, then I apologize for it and take responsibility.
So I understand that. At the same time, stuff is going to happen. If I could control it all the time I wouldn't need meds and therapy. So there's a certain . . . je ne sais quoi.
And I can't apologize for every little thing, but I most certainly want to take responsibility for and apologize for hurting other people, etc.
Although, there may be times where people don't LIKE my point of view, and might be offended by it, but I need to be true to myself.
So I'm not apologizing for everything, or I'd end up living for what other people think of me, and having to constantly cave to whatever they think my behavior should be.
But I take responsibility, although I'm not going to worry about every little bipolar thing I do because I'd never get anywhere that way either.
Yes, checking out some bipolar forums would be good for me, I think. You know any good ones?
I know meds are good, but I want to caution people it may not necessarily stop things entirely. I do not want people to expect it to. Anytime people put expectations on me, especially that sort, it causes a psychological reaction that I haven't yet learned how to stop. HOpefully I can learn, but at the moment, it's a pushing back against it, that sometimes I can postpone, but not stop. I have read that this sort of thing is often a big thing that family members of bipolar do, that can be harmful for the bipolar person.
Anyway, I am trying to learn how best to post to my blog. I don't want to go overboard like I did yesterday, but I don't want to go underboard either. I have been finding myself censoring what I say because I am afraid of several family members' judgement of me or my parenting or just about anything else.
And so I want to learn how to be more ME, but not go too far with hurtful things. I'm still learning. If I feel like, as part of my experiences to explain to the world what it is like to be bipolar, that I need to mention my difficulties with family members, I will try to do so in a less . . . harmful way. I can't eliminate my family experiences entirely because it's a HUGE part of my experience, and a HUGE part of my difficulties and joys in life, and at the moment, a huge part of me feeling like I have no one.
I will try to do better, and I'm sorry again for hurting Holly, and anyone else.
Wondering if Beck's mood of the day is referring to being annoyed at ME.
And thank you, Lizzie, for your advice and experiences. It means alot to me that you would share them with me, even if I have some differences.
I don't really have a game yet, let alone a best one. Perhaps you have more resources and people and support in your life than I do. Still, I will learn and work on it, but the nature of the thing is that there are times when you have more internal resources and strength, than others, to handle things. Sometimes you don't have much.
I actually don't think it's entirely avoidable, in part because I feel I have practically no support system. This might hurt some people, but I don't feel like I have hardly anyone at all with whom I can emotionally trust to treat my feelings and thoughts and stuff with respect and understanding, even if they don't agree.
It has been my experience that people judge, and/or if they don't agree, and/or if it's outside their experience, that their reaction and/or words become rather harmful to me.
And, if they don't talk back with me, have an interchange of feelings and things, they want to know what's inside ME but won't reciprocate, I can't trust that either because it is all one sided.
Plus, I have huge emotional trust issues anyway, because well I can't really emotionally trust the people who raised me and who I grew up with, to be kind and understanding and non-judgemental. I know that probably hurts them too, but am I supposed to lie?
This may not be the best forum for this (I can hear my oh-never-mind saying that right now), but at the same time, if it doesn't come out, when will it?
My feeling like I have nobody is the single biggest reason why I have almost killed myself multiple times this summer.
And I know there are distorted thoughts affecting all of the above, but at the same time there are also valid reasons why I feel I am so alone and without support.
I don't want to single out the person who has been a huge support and help for me, as I don't want anyone to say hey, she trusts that person, but not me? This person knows who it is. Even so I get into places, when I'm cycling, that even then I'm like, I'm just a bother to them too.
Thanks to anyone who has read this far, and I'm sorry.
I know I seem really self-centered. I take days and times where I try to REALLY focus on others, but it's like a shopping cart with a wheel that is pulling you hard to the left and I cannot stay on track no matter how hard I've tried.
We'll see what I can learn to work on that, but I do have good desires to think and do for others, I just don't have much right now to give, and don't have much capability right now to force my mind to stay on one track. It jumps around to all sorts of different tracks.
Thank you Lizzie, and David, and everybody. I know this has gotten really personal, but I figured if I didn't tell some essential things now, I never would.
Nah, just mankind in general. No worries, mate.
Sounds to me like you might like to get yourself another blog address--one that you DON'T give out to family and friends. Then you can rant all you want, name names, get it all out of your system. You'd still have the benefit of a (sort-of) live audience, but you wouldn't be alienating your support system.
Sorry you've got to go through this. No, I'm REALLY sorry. It's like you said, God must have a pretty high opinion of you to allow you to have such trials. Hang in there, babe. I'm here.
Hey, I'd like to thank LizzieDaisy, too. No one's opinion of you is any less for spilling your guts. It's higher, in fact. Thanks for the support and advice for My Girl Sara. A blessing on your head.
Well, I don't know if you'll get back down this far but I'll comment anyway. I am not saying you will stop feeling "bipolar" in any way shape or form, mood swings will still be there - they will just be less, let's say violent? The meds are to keep the highs from being too high and lows from being too low. I'm sure you've heard that. And it's as in no suicidal thoughts and no spending sprees (dang). :) I get asked that one every time I go see my pdoc. It's so sad. Teehee. But when I said I've had all the calsicl bipolar "symptoms, I have done that stuff. I won't write it on your blog because it seems wrong. :)
About owning up, taking responsibility, apologizing (did I say that?)... geesh, I can't hardly for every time I mess up due to this if that's about feeling neglectful, down, saying more than I should, etc etc... my friends and family just know that I do my best to keep in check. But what I said does stand... I firmly believe that as the meds and therapy do their job and you find new coping skills, all those things will fall into place.
Nobody should ever expect perfection from anyone. A perfect house, dinner on the table at 6 every night, always a smile... I think that's unreasonable, truly. I know this from being at Bible study with other women who cry because of the pressure of trying to live up to that. Love is where it is, and we all try our best to make our families happy and provide a safe and pleasant environment for them. :)
Hugs Sara...
Thank you Lizzie. It helps me feel not so alone, and more understood, that you have BTDT with telling too much, overspending, and everything else. It really helps.
Thank you for your encouragement and, dare I say it after a week and a half, friendship?
Thank you.
Thank you Lizzie and Maren for your comments.
I can see a day down the line where I may very well come to those conclusions; right now I don't even know a whole lot about what having all this stuff means for me, or very much about the illnesses themselves, and which parts of my experiences are the illness and which aren't, and stuff.
My psychologist said it takes a long time to come to an acceptance of having disorders like this, so it's good to know I don't have to beat myself up for not being "there" yet. Still, I'm walking down the path, so it's a start.
Yay for friends and family who are understanding, and give good advice that I can keep in mind as I walk this path, and maybe lean on them from time to time when the path gets rough.
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