The Fight goes on, Wearily . . . .

Actor Crush of the Day: Patrick Stewart
Emily Question or Quote of the Day: For Really and for True?

I am so weary of the fight. The constant, everlasting struggle. I long for Peace with all my soul.

Every time I have a victory, and win a major battle, within a few days some huge, difficult, really painful issue, fear, or other, rises from the depths and deals me a knockout punch.

I feel so bloodied and battered and bruised from the constant beating I feel I am taking in this war of mental illness. How long will I continue to be able to arise again after each knockdown, and re-set myself for the endless battle?

Doctrine & Covenants 10:4 Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate, but be diligent unto the end.

This scripture is referring to Joseph Smith's labor of translating the Book of Mormon, but I feel that it applies to me as well. Just remove the words "to translate", and it then reads with a meaning like unto the following scripture:

Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

We are to liken the scriptures unto us, and our situations, and so I feel as though my take on the above D&C scripture, paired with the Mosiah scripture, gives a good description of an issue I reflect on frequently.

I tend to often wonder, if we aren't required to run faster than we have strength, or labor beyond our means, then why am I overwhelmed with everything I am in the midst of?

What I often forget, and what became clearer as I looked up these two references, is what the D&C scripture states, "Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you (emphasis added)". What this means to me is that the Lord will provide the strength and means, but he may not necessarily provide as much as you ask for, and so do not labor beyond what you have yourself and beyond what strength and means He has added in as well.

A second thing that I do know inside, and have practiced all my life, but I sometimes don't really think about, is the fact that both these scriptures IMMEDIATELY follow up the "do not labor beyond your strength" verbage, with "be diligent (unto the end)". To me, this means, that even though there will be times that you may not have, and/or may not be given, the strength to press forward in your labors, or to do more than a very little; even though there may be times where all you can do is hang on, and have faith, because there may be no cure or means provided to deal with the trial at hand, that if you are diligent, and long-suffering (which I associate with being diligent), and have patience, and just hold on in those times when there is no strength for going forward, no strength for laboring, then it will be well, in the end.

There is a biblical scripture that practically everyone has heard, regarding a time for peace, a time for war, a time for etc., etc., etc. There is a time and a place for everything, and sometimes I just need to hold on, when I am weary from the struggle. It is not lazy to do so, although my internal dialogue keeps telling me that it is . . . . I know in my head it is not lazy, but my heart still tends to beat me up for it. My heart is a tough taskmaster.

I hung on for 20 years, praying for answers as to what was wrong with me, as well as praying for help. Finally, at the age of 33, some answers and help have come, although it is by NO means an easy or exact process. It is not "Oh, here's the answers and help, be on your way and get on with your life". It is a new phase of the struggle; the struggle is not over. And in some ways, the war has deepened, as I become more aware of myself and my issues.

For those 20 years, I stumbled forwards at times, and hung on at times. I still do both, as the very nature of my challenges are cyclical. But I was diligent, and I WAS faithful, as my prayers were finally answered. I do not say "finally" in a critical, "It's about TIME!", kind of way, but as a more sweet reward; more sweet for all the years of suffering and prayer, than perhaps it would have been after only 1, 5, or 10 years.

I do not know the reason why the Lord chose to withhold this help for so long, but I do know it has nothing to do with being righteous enough, or personal sin, or whatever. That would be like saying all those years of suffering without knowing exactly what I was suffering from, mental illness-wise, was due to sin. Mental illness is NOT due to sin. My suffering, and the length thereof, was not and IS not due to sin.

The Lord has his own purposes in things, and his own purposes of what we need to learn from different experiences, and when we need certain blessings. I know that there are truths, insights, and principles I learned during those 20 years that I may yet not know the purpose for, but for which I am grateful, as I know the Lord knows exactly what I need to learn, and gives us exactly what we need, when we need, to help us learn it. I awaited, sometimes not so patiently, but I did my best to, the answers and help that have recently arrived in my life.

In a way, I must say, beware what you pray for, because you just might receive it. Sometimes the only thing that helps me be strong in this therapy process, is the thought and feeling of 20 years of anguish and praying; that I prayed TWENTY YEARS for this. When I quail at the hellish pain and difficulties confronting me, I have so far eventually been able to confront them, in part because of the 20 years that have come before. That may perhaps be only one of the reasons the Lord had for the timing of these answers and help, and it may perhaps be the least of them. Since I don't know, all I can do is take strength from wherever I can, and the previous 20 years have provided me with a type and depth of persistence and strength that I have a difficult time recognizing, but when I do it is of a very fine nature; it is as the spiritual and emotional equivalent of the most precious, most sweet, most delicious and most prized fruit that the earth or heaven has to offer.

1 Nephi:31 And now I, Nephi, being a man large in stature, and also having received much strength of the Lord, therefore I did seize upon the servant of Laban, and held him, that he should not flee.

The Lord has blessed me with strength in the past, and I have faith that he will do so again in the future, especially so as I have faith, and am learning patience, and TRYING to learn to be long-suffering. I pray for strength frequently, and do not doubt him when I do not receive it. There is a reason for my struggles, even though I do not know why. The one thing I do NOT do is blame Him. There are dark moments where, as most everyone does, I do wonder WHY and acheingly wish for an end to the pain. That is a part of the nature of my struggles. But I keep on. I keep on.

Alma 20:4 Now Lamoni said unto Ammon: I know, in the strength of the Lord thou canst do all things. But behold, I will go with thee to the land of Middoni; for the king of the land of Middoni, whose name is Antiomno, is a friend unto me; therefore I go to the land of Middoni, that I may flatter the king of the land, and he will cast thy brethren out of prison. Now Lamoni said unto him: Who told thee that thy brethren were in prison?

I know in the strength of the Lord I can do all things. The crux is, if we had his strength with us every second of every day, this life would not be much of a test. And so, the previous scriptures, where it tells us to not run or labor faster than the strength and means which have been provided to us.

In this scripture, and throughout the rest of the chapter, it is through Lamoni's assistance, and the Lord watching out for his servant Ammon, that the thing (the release of his brethren from prison) was accomplished. Lamoni acknowledged the Lord's power and strength, but then offered his own assistance, because while the Lord WILL lend us strength, it is requisite that we should do as much for ourselves and others as we are able, without going beyond our strength or means. (I could start a whole discussion on "balance" and "moderation in all things" in regards to that, but I'll save that for another time.)

For those who are confronting struggles in life, the aid and assistance of friends and loved ones cannot be overstated as to how helpful and even essential it is. I know I struggle mightily in those times when I believe I have no one, which is frequently. Lamoni was just such an aid and assist to Ammon; he even stood up to his father's anger for him.

One last scripture I'd like to quote, and while it might sound rather depressing, I see it more as just the "test" aspect of life; the fact that we all have what essentially is our "lot" in life, and we must do with it the best that we can. It doesn't mean that we can't overcome, and that we can't learn, and that help, possible relief, peace, et. al won't come. What it does mean, I think, is that we need to ACCEPT the trial, and endure it with acceptance and faith.

Alma 20:30 And, as it happened, it was their lot to have fallen into the hands of a more hardened and a more stiff-necked people; therefore they would not hearken unto their words, and they had cast them out, and had smitten them, and had driven them from house to house, and from place to place, even until they had arrived in the land of Middoni; and there they were taken and cast into prison, and bound with strong cords, and kept in prison for many days, and were delivered by Lamoni and Ammon.

It was the brethren of Ammons' lot(s) to have these trials to endure. A difficult principle, but some days, sometimes not very often, but some days I am beginning to get a glimmer of what this means for me. If you substitute "mental illness(es)" for prison, that would pretty much describe it for me. The hardened and stiff-necked people also being the illnesses.

There is hope, though, in this seemingly dark and despondent verse. They were "delivered" in the end. I have hope and faith, that with time, perhaps it may be decades or the rest of my life, but with time, faith and therapy; with the love, friendship and support of friends and family: with the expertise and care of the mental health professionals I am working with; by keeping in touch with my visiting teachers, home teachers, and bishop; that with long-suffering, patience, acceptance, and diligence the time of my deliverance from these trials will come. The time when I will be able to conquer these illnesses WILL come, thought it may be many years down the road.

Here's a link to a post, and a comment I made on that post, about long-suffering that was really illuminating for me, and is helpful also for thinking about in regards to my post of today.