Actor Crush of the Day: They're all ugly today.
Emily Question or Quote of the Day: Hey, What Do You Know? I Think I Might Like First Grade!
I mean that in a, I like him but I'm still not used to him kind of way. He's . . . . got a rather . . . unique personality. I can tell he is very good at what he does, but at the same time, I am still getting to know him and what role he's supposed to play in my mental health care.
I've been seeing the ologist for about 2-3 months now, on a weekly basis, once twice in one week as he was rather concerned about my stability. So I've had ample opportunity to get to know my ologist and his style, and methods and build a working relationship and trust with him.
It's kind of jarring to sort of start almost from scratch with somebody, as today is only the second time I've ever seen Dr. Brinley. He was out for the summer, and I saw a sub. I'll be seeing him again in 5-6 weeks. I'll also be starting Neurontin, a mood stabilizer, as soon as I can get the prescription filled.
It is difficult for me to define and split what sorts of things I should tell the ologist and what sorts of things I should tell the iatrist. Pretty much everything should be told to the ologist, but then it's hard to figure out what kind of filter to use in telling the iatrist things. He doesn't need to know all the stuff I do with Dr. Mower. But he needs to know some stuff. I am just not sure exactly which things.
So I feel like I maybe need to ASK Dr. Mower tomorrow, and Dr. Brinley the next time I see him, how they fit together into my treatment plan and stuff. And if either of them are ever going to definitively tell me what the hell I all have. The working diagnoses have been bipolar, SAD, GAD, and OCD, but there's been no official diagnoses.
SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL I HAVE, OKAY? I am getting so frustrated. Seeing has how they've prescribed the mood stabilizer, I suppose the bipolar is confirmed. The iatrist says it should help me sleep better and hopefully help with some of the anxieties/fears I've been drowning in too, but I guess we'll see.
I pretty much have to operate under the umbrella of the working diagnoses, as I can't live in a state of limbo. That's what I have until I'm told otherwise, and anyone who is like, oh, you just want attention, you haven't REALLY been diagnosed, can just go jump in a lake. A really COLD lake. I am ill, and if they judge me in any way, shape, or form, or reject my illnesses, that is their shortcoming and problem, not mine. I will accept no such judgement of me, got it?
3 comments:
Yup. :)
Mood stabilizers saved my butt. Topamax is my best friend, helped me through my darkest hours of depression and PTSD, and helps now with my anxiety and general stability. I can use just that normally and do fine. Hope yours helps.
As for needing a diagnosis, I've never really gotten one myself (outside major depression when I was hospitalized for 3 days after I had my daughter... yay rah, and the PTSD after I was attacked last time), though I know what I have (pretty much) based on meds. I dunno, my pdoc works on the fact that I don't need a diagnosis to label myself with something, I just need to focus on staying stable and keeping myself in check. I went over a year without meds and noone knew I wasn't taking them. I do fine most of the time, but something can creep up and take me out I guess (like my daughter being a preemie and my marriage not doing well for awhile). So anyway, I don't know that having any label will really help you become more stable (the only important thing here)... but it sounds like you want one so that everyone will know there is something HONESTLY wrong.
I think that's sad. For them. Sad that they need to label you with something in order to accept there is a chemical imbalance somewhere... does that somehow make them happier? Weird. Personally, I am glad (now) that my pdoc didn't give me one so that I don't dwell on it and feel like I will never recover somehow, and instead and just tell myself that as long as I do certain things (take a med, don't read the news, stay away from overly emotional situations, schedule my time...), I am as normal as the next person. And I am. And you can be too.
I need the labels, not to pen myself in, but to know that it is the ILLNESSES, and not ME, that is causing so much despair and fear. So I can have something to fight that isn't just a mystery, but is something DEFINED, that I can target and fight. The unknown is a huge fear for me. And, I have so many fears, I can't really believe entirely until I know, and then I can really FIGHT the hell out of it.
Although, your other things about how other people won't think I have something if I don't have a list of diagnoses to give em, is pretty spot on. Very much so.
Thank you for giving me hope that normality can come. I get to where I believe there will never, ever, be such a thing for me.
I would rather be in physical pain all the time, than this mental morass of messiness I am buried in. At least then I'd be able to treat people the way I want to, and be able to interact with the world better, even if I was in physical pain.
It isn't just mental pain, it's, the illnesses rob you of the very coping mechanisms you need to cope with stress, difficulties, illnesses, pain, etc.
So in addition to the illnesses, I am crippled in my ability to cope with them due to the very nature of the illnesses, whereas physical pain wouldn't rob me of my mental faculties.
It might make me more irritable etc, I should know because I've suffered horrible back pains for extended periods of time.
momsays . . . BIG BIG BIG BIG HUG!
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