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Actor Crush of the Day: Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones
Emily Question or Quote of the Day:

Feeling very . . . pointless. Not in a DARK way, but in a GREY, everthing is all the same and there's no spark or meaning to anything.

I can't focus on much of anything, except beading, for much of any length of time. A few tv shows, maybe.

Doing things in very short spurts, like 1 minute spurts, even.

I tried playing Monopoly Jr. with Emily last night, but my ability to focus is SO BAD, that after just a few minutes, I had to stop. Or continue and end up snapping at her, which would have been WORSE. I had NO resources inside with which to operate with even the tiniest bit of patience it requires to remind my high-functioning autistic daughter, of all the little things as we go through the game. You don't count the space you are on, when you move. You can only kick my building off the space if you get a card that takes you there, says so, and I don't own the whole color. One $2 bill is not one "dollar", it is two. You don't skip spaces when moving. Basically all that and more, of all the little things involved in the game, or most games for that matter.

I felt so GUILTY! A) For not playing games with her more often, as I saw the absolute delight on her face when we started the game, B) for not having the internal resources to continute the game, C) for getting her hopes up in the first place and then dashing them, D) for being such a "bad" mother, E) for forgetting to have her call Grandma Betty and tell her about her field trip, and cheer her up in the hospital, and F) for anything and everything else.

Some of you might be thinking, you couldn't even play a GAME with her? What's wrong with you . . . . I just could not FORCE my brain to stay on track. Not just my brain, but my emotions. Some might say, you can BEAD, but not game with your daughter? And I say, it is not really always up to me what I can focus on and what I can't. And, it depends on the amount, type, and length of attention, focus, and thinking required. I think perhaps beading works because I can do so many other things sporadically at the same time . . . and I can stop and start in little "fits" of 30 seconds of beading, 2 mins of unfocused emotional and mental roaming, sort of "reel" my mind/emotions in again for another short burst of focus, etc.

I CAN'T SUSTAIN my focus or concentration. AT least, not currently. Sometimes I can, it depends on how my illness is shifting; what swing I'm in, what's going on med-wise, mood-wise, biologically-wise.

UGH. Can I say what a pain it is to be so . . . . untethered, attention-wise? It's like trying to force a 700-lb shopping cart, that is veering to the left, back to the right so it'll go straight. You might be able to in very short bursts, depending on how good the wheels and bearings are, but that's about it. And it exhausts you mentally, especially of your ability to focus on anything else for awhile.

You get very VERY short with people, no matter HOW hard you try to keep that inside, when this is going on. The mental filters other people can put in place to limit what they say, are very holey for me, especially more so at some times than others. And so it is like you are trying to plug the holes in your mental filters with all fingers and toes and everything, and you run out because there's too many holes; it also takes focus and concentration and energy to keep that up, and as I said I am very . . . limited in those aspects to begin with, due to my illnesses. I HATE that I get short with people sometimes; I try really HARD not to. And it's so frustrating that some of it leaks out, that I can't stop it all. I wish I could . . . .

My poem, that is my very first post of this blog, has a line in it about "endure me through my trials" or something like that. This is definitely one of those aspects that calls for kindness, patience, understanding, and enduring me through the illness, from my friends and loved ones.

UGH.