Actor Crush of the Day: Tom Hanks (He's just so comforting!)
We worked on the issue of "You can't hate yourself into health", among other things. Accepting myself. Sounds simple, doesn't it?
NOoooooooooooooooooooo, it's not. Accepting oneself, with all the flaws, inconsistencies, even irresponsible behavior, the almost always backing out of alot of things, my problems following through, my fears and avoidance behaviors, neediness, just so many things. How does one accept the pitiful creature that you think you are? And yes, I know I'm not pitiful. At least, part of me does anyway. Part of me thinks I am . . .
Talked about pushing back and lashing out against feeling like other people have these huge expectations of me. Not only expectations, but like "orders" of things they want me to do. And feeling controlled.
And feeling like, I am not acceptable if I am not on meds, to people. There are SO many issues surrounding meds. There can be SEVERELY CRIPPLING side effects. I'd rather live with the bipolar, than tardive dyskenesia, among other things. Not that I'm showing signs of that, but it's just one of the many issues.
I DO appreciate the concern for my well-being that is expressed when loved ones are concerned about whether I'm on meds or not, but . . . . feeling like they "suffer" me when I'm not on meds . . . . I'm just not sure what to do with that. I appreciated the honesty behind that, and do not regret who told me that, telling me that. I feel an implicit rejection in that statement, but I need to figure out my feelings on the issue.
It's a big issue, and NOT personally related to any one person. It's something I've thought about for the last year, ever since I heard that I might be bipolar. I wondered so much about how accepted and loved I was and would be, both on, and off meds. It is something I've pondered, and need to do some more figuring on.
I was able to bring it up briefly at the end of the session, but I suppose I'll discuss it further with him next week.
5 comments:
You know that I have a ton of problems but I give myself credit for the things that I do right. You don't know how many family events that I miss due to my problems. However, I show my support in the ways that I can and am blessed to have a close knit family. It sounds like you do too. I believed that you are loved for who you are. However, when you love someone, you do not like to see them suffer and if medicine can help you not suffer then that is what people want for you. I know that I speak not as someone presently on medication. I did have a friend that I met online who suffered from a differnt type of mental illness who talks about the nightmare that he lived with before medication lifted what he described as a fog. He has a whole new lease on life.
Hey, a lot of people like you and we can't all be wrong!
Barb hit the nail on the head!!!!
Just wanted to wish you and Scott a Happy Anniversary today! I hope you day is a special one!
I used to do some mental health work, as an attorney. A constant theme I saw was people who were grateful to be saner, but who could not tolerate the side effects of the meds.
Too many people have the aspirin / penicillin model of drugs -- instant results, no side effects -- instead of the sulfa drug view -- delays and terrible risks and issues (it was the deaths and other side effects of sulfa drugs that led to modern drug regulation).
For some, a prozac works like switching a light on or off, immediate and dramatic. Give the patient a pill and the only people who need therapy are the family who suddenly have nothing to push against.
But ... so very often that is not the case and it is a matter of tuning, cognitive therapy, patience and often learning from the drugs to model life without them.
It can be so very, very hard. You have my sympathy. The best part to know is tha there are people who care, people who love you and that there is success and life in the end.
Hi Sara:
I just wanted to stop by and wish you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you have a nice weekend, and a happy holiday season.
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