200 miles in 2008

An old post from almost a year ago I stumbled across, here, has inspired me to a very modest goal of my own. My goal is 200 miles in 2008. That works out to @ .55 mile(s) a day. On average.

Thing is, I AM worried about my knee, but hopefully I'll quit procrastinating and call the dang doctor! I am aggravated by and frustrated with the front desk people at the group practice/Intermountain Health Care clinic/doctor's offices there, as far as trying to get anything useful out of them on a recommendation for and to an ortho. The PA I saw back in August recommended one, and even had an aide call them, to have them call me and set something up right away, but it turned out they were dropping United Health Care insurance within a few weeks (it's a major health insurance, especially here, and this is the only ortho clinic near me, but on the other hand I can understand frustration with insurance company practices, policies, price-setting, and there's part of me that approves of sticking it to UHC because their CEO's and that sort of corporate executive make some of the most ridiculously extravagant and extensive perks and salaries in the health insurance business. There's many reasons they are, I think I've heard, one of the most profitable insurance companies, and I'm sure some of those practices that help them be so are probably part of why this ortho clinic is dumping them)

Woops, side-rant there! It's annoying though, from both sides. Anyway, trying to get anything intelligent out of the desk help (and I've been a secretary and "desk" help in a semi-medical setting, so I don't rant at them lightly, knowing how hard-worked, underpaid, and under-appreciated they are) regarding which providers off the list of UHC ortho's might be good ones, ones my doc has worked with before, anything. The first couple of names I picked were the wrong kind of ortho's, more lifestyle ones, no surgery . . .though they do have some services that I like, like working on nutrition, losing weight, etc. Some of which would possibly not be covered by insurance, but that's ok. Still, I need an arhroscopy (I think that's the term) to see what's going on in there, and possibly new x-rays since it's been awhile since August. I HATE that I have to spend another co-pay just because of the office "help", and I'm going to let them and him know that. We can't spare it, but this hobbling around like a cripple, plus gaining weight from not being able to exercise, are getting old. I know some of it is weight related, but I had all that a year ago, this horrid stuff is from something going on, beyond the arthritis they discovered.

And what's up with just saying, by the way, you have arthritis, here's a scrip for some meds for that.

Nothing about, you'll have this the rest of your life (maybe this goes without saying, maybe much about arthritis is obvious, but for me, it's never been something I've thought about much at all, because I figured when I was 45 or 50 would be when I'd learn more . . . . so seriously, besides knowing it hurts, can get inflamed at times which is why anti-inflammatories like ibuprofen can be good for it (is naproxen one of those, too?), is in the joints, and interferes with functioning at varying times and degrees, that's about all I know. I mean, it'd be nice, and, I think, ESSENTIAL, if a doc would assume less, and TELL me what something MEANS for and to me, not just, by the way, you've got this. That PA (physician's assistant) was nice and all, but still . . . .

Docs, especially GP's (or PA's, my GP was on vacation and also works with a PA who handles some things, you can make an appointment with either but the PA is available much sooner usually) are so pressed-for time, something needs to CHANGE to make it so they can spend a little more time with each patient, geez! Yet not lose money because they might be seeing fewer by a couple, each day . . . . . and then there's all the paperwork, etc. I'm sure Doctor Anonymous, aka Dr. A, can chime in with some comments to this post, from his point of view (he's a GP).

More side-venting there, I guess (makes me sound like a multi-vent volcano, say, like Kilaueua (sp? I'll check it later!)). I understand why it's so hard to get thru to doc or get doc to call back on the phone, at best, I've gotten referred back to the nurse aide (not sure if full R.N.) or the lady that's worked for him since he first opened his practice back in the early 90's (which is when I started seeing him.)

He used to have a solo practice, but about 4-5 years ago moved his practice to an Intermountain Health Care building where some other doctors are, along with a lab, x-rays, etc. Solo practices are a difficult thing indeed to do, these days.

Okay, so back to the 200 miles in 2008 goal. I think I can do this, I KNOW I can. Some days my knee is better than others, and I'll keep it in mind; I can only walk a certain distance before the muscles stiffen from about 5" above the knee to about 5" below the knee and it can become like a tree trunk. So, I often ride those cart things around and about a store, nowadays, since however this "injury" or whatnot happened earlier this summer. I feel like an old cripple!

Anyway. I can walk some, and I can't stand the feeling I'm putting on weight. I may just be losing muscle weight and gaining belly girth, and working out to the same weight, but I've GOT to feel like I'm doing something about this!!!! I feel capable of actually starting a somewhat regular exercise regime since starting a med back in May; I started slowly and carefully, but that may be what led to the injury. Still, I'm eager to exercise; the mental health benefits are quite impressive. (anyone else hear that last word or two in Darth Vader's voice in your head as you read along? As the seasonal song says/sings, "Do you hear what I hear . . . . .)

I've got a simple pedometer around here that operates w/something that jiggles around inside; I'm such a geek, though, and I have a way online of tracking the output from a heartrate/pedometer dealie, and seeing graphs and charts from it, that if I could figure out how to get one of THOSE, I know it would also be an extra motivation, to help add to the graphs and charts! Seriously, that kind of thing is my cup of hot cocoa.

I know the ice cream binges I go on sometimes don't help, but those are when I'm approaching or are dangerously depressed; as my psychologist says, it's a bridge, for now, and we can work on the food issues at another time; it IS better than injuring or killing ones' self. Oh, I highly recommend my current addiction in this vein, Dreyer's Ltd. Butterfinger Loaded Ice Cream. Mmmmmmmm . . . .

Woops, back to the healthy stuff. This year, earlier in the year when we were more regularly buying that one apple that I discovered earlier this year that is not a variety I had tried before, that I had found by catching a whiff of a fruity scent I'd not ever tasted before, and that I followed with my nose until I found the source of it; for the LIFE of me the name of the apple is escaping me!!!!! Just like earlier when I was leaving a msg. for my ologist, and talking about efficacy, I kept saying effexor. Word problems, aphasia, etc.

I don't think it's Macintosh, my brain keeps trying to spit out "MacGyver", lol!!!! That's certainly not it, but an example of how my brain keeps looking in the "file folder" near or next to what it actually needs to pull up; you can see the similarity of the words MacIntosh and MacGyver, although they are certainly very different subjects, categories, etc.

I've got alot to say, I guess, and I also am manic since restarting a med at the usual dose, after being without it for most of last week (my husband had to eventually camp out in front of the psychiatrist's office last Friday before he opened and wait for him; he was half an hour late, as usual (why does he schedule 10:00 am appts. anyway if he knows he's usually late, is it because he'd come in at 11:00 am if he started appts. at 10:30?) The lateness thing doesn't bug me so much, a relaxed and more laid back shrink is a good thing. My last appt. with him had some rather uptightness on his part though, repeated a few times too many, which I have some response I need to discuss with him before we can proceed.

Ack. See? My mind is all over the place, I type really fast, but I've got all this stuff whirling inside! It's sort of a "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" kinda feeling, very bouyant, like on that Mythbusters episode where they tested how many helium balloons of the usual size it'd take to lift a person off the ground . . . . .

I've been looking up some low to no impact, as far as the knee thing goes, in the way of exercise online; I've seen references to exercising with one of those big ball things, there's "chair dancing", with some references to seniors doing it but being good for all, various types of water excercising, such as water-jogging, which I'd never heard of before; it involves wearing a flotation device of a usual sort, and being in water where you can't touch bottom, and maintaining a running posture with torso, shoulders, neck, arms, etc. as much as possible while "jogging" with the lower body (ie., avoid the tendency to lean forward in the water, and such). There's other water exercise options too . . . I'm looking also at one of those little bouncy/trampoline small board thingies one can attach to a Pilates or Total Gym type of machine; I have a Total Gym, and they say it's very gentle/low impact, even if the notion seems like it wouldn't be (you are doing it horizontally, one leg at a time, and it LOOKS low-impact, and yet they say it's good cardio . . . .). I s'pose I could pull out the Total Gym and do things not involving the knees, or that knee at any rate, I dunno.

But.

200 miles in 2008. Maybe I'll make up a little graphic, which anyone can use if they put it on their own server or photo upload account, and put in the sidebar of your blog, to show your participation.

If you've made it this far, thanks and congratulations! I might report here how my mileage goes, if I can find that low-tech, perhaps not as accurate, pedometer thing.

I'm also going to figure out how many miles of yarn I have, and how many miles I've knit and crocheted, hee! You wouldn't believe the numbers some fiber crafters have as far as those "stats", lol!

To be cliche, I guess it really is a manic monday . . . . . la la la la la . . .

Edited to add: GALA apples. THAT's the apple I was trying to rememnber! Took me until about 5:30pm to remember that, it just came to me! I also remember I got sidetracked from why I was talking about fruit in the first place; when we have those apples, and grapes when they aren't ridiculously priced (I especially like a variety of green, red, and black; I know the red ones have more anti-oxidants or something, but I just love to taste the differences as well as the visual stimulation of the contrasting, delicious colors!), I actually eat alot healthier, because then I'm full of apple and grape, and not snacking on other stuff. Carrots and baby carrots are great too; dip adds some calories and fat, but it's not too bad; we mix up our own. Pluots (Plum/apricot combo, looks like a plum, and taste is probably 2/3 to 3/4 plum, the rest apricot. It was very pleasant, and actually the pluminess/apricottiness of it was not consistent throughout, they were blended well in many places, but leaned stronger towards one or the other throughtout the fruit; I liked that! It felt like a nice, new, hybrid kind of fruit, and I liked that it felt like a melding without mixing it to completely blended in. Simple things, but they make it ALOT easier to be healthier! They just seem like they are so costly, so extravagant . . .

Disability Application Process: Death by Paperwork

How many trees, exactly, were used in this process, anyway? A ridiculous number, for one person, I suspect.

A post elsewhere reminded me I'd been meaning to post these pages of a form several of my docs each filled out during the process, for my lawyer. In many different forms & questionnaires and such from the SSA, I suppose I also answered in these matters at various times, although, if you are going through the process, you'll see that much of the paperwork is physical disability oriented. How many pounds can you lift, and so forth.

I've said this before, but the process is hell. Part of it is looking, or trying to, look at yourself in terms of how you function, or rather, DON'T function, in certain ways, in certain capacities, to certain degrees.

Hell, just to survive, at least with me, there are many of these things you either don't see about yourself, can't see about yourself, or are sort of "blanked out" via a sort of mental "white-out" (like the office supply) because if you DID see these things, think about them, associate them, think about what it/they MEAN about you . . . . . you'd hate yourself to the depths of the universe and back, even more. You'd even perhaps try to kill yourself (as I once tried, in very, very large part because it hit me, all at once, how very poor my functioning as a human being, as a worker, as a social entity, as anything, was.) As I also came close to doing, at several points during the disability application process. When I say the process is killer, it literally could be, and I bet it has, tragically, caused some to do so.

But they'd rather prevent even one fraudulant, faker claimant (as the judge said, in his own words, though), than approve someone deserving who thought that most of these things about me, were just ME, were just flaws in my character, in my me-ness, in my who I AM-ness, in my Sara-ness, that they were JUST ME, so I had no idea that I should even bring them up to a doctor, many of them anyway. The judge pretty much said that, that they'd rather prevent one fraudulent, than let through one deserving person who had these problems, even though this deserving person had had no idea it was anything other than just being herself, that was the "wrongness". Not in those words, but it was . . . . a very bad day for me.

It was a little over a year ago now, and I still have held off at arm's length much of what this decision meant/means for me.

Anyway, here's a look at some of the jarring out of my blinders/self-protective/not even realizing how bad off I was, though I was, place I was in, when I received a questionnaire back from one of my docs:







Imagine, for a moment, that it is YOU, and you are seeing this look at yourself for the first time . . . you knew there were problems, but to see how a professional assesses you, . . . just try to FEEL that.