Hello Mellow

Maybe all those years of Barry Manilow have finally sunk in?

If I was in an online game right now, I'd do /giggle self . . . . .

I do seem to have been a bit med-focused lately, but it's been sort of our own little medical ward here lately it has felt like.

Like a medical tv show, only more boring.

The panic attack was triggered by a question regarding any conditions I or husband (dd's father) may have, at the end of the Instacare appointment (she was throwing up as he entered the room, thus the history occuring at the end). By this time I had repeated dd's bronchitis story 3+ times in less than an hour so I started mechanically listing stuff off, "Oh geez, let's see - bipolar, OCD, agoraphobia, panic disorder . .. . . " yada yada, more stuff, and then I got to the knee and mentioned that, and the recent arhtroscopy, and the diagnosis, that was said to be because of genetics, and extremely bad, unpredictable, extremely early osteoarthritis, etc.

Anyway, that's pretty much about the gist, maybe not the exact words, but basically what I said, and the quantity thereof, but when I got to the knee part I just started crying; not SOBBING, just tears started rolling as I kept talking, and I became emotional - I was embarrased about that, but kept going with trying to answer his question as briefly as I felt I could. I was pretty brief! And you know how I can go on.

I get overwhelmed easily, though - listing off all my conditions like that, especially after explaining what had been going on with my daughter over, and over, and over . . . . and then at the end, not being able to control my emotion (the doctor was very kind, he was standing actually near me, I was sitting, obviously it's not been a month yet since surgery, although it's getting there) and he put his hand on my shoulder in empathy and understanding - I believe he could tell I was embarrassed about my tears, as well as that obviously I had just seen the results of a difficult diagnosis, seen inside my knee, and all that.

So, he finishes up with a cheery statement about, "But, your daughter is going to be just fine, so that's GREAT!", and gives me an encouraging (but non-patronizing) smile, tells us we're done, can go, reiterates some instructions, and then is gone.

We're quickly back out in the waiting area, waiting for our ride home, and it's been 5 mins or less since the emotions came out, and I have the panic attack. I feel like an idiot about the whole interaction there, at the end of the appointment. Or I felt like it, anyway, to a large degree (I've since discussed it in therapy, as well as having applied some techniques at the time and afterwards to try to counter and cope with the attack, etc.)

All you would have seen is a mother and daughter, the daughter having fun looking at fish, and a stressed out, tired and perhaps pained-looking mom, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Perhaps looking tense or really tense, I am unsure exactly of quite how I looked, but I do know that I was able to "contain the damage", or keep the attack from escalating, in one area, by telling myself that really all I looked like was someone sitting there silently crying.

I just hate that it makes no sense.

Panic attacks, or the "little" "things" one panics over. I'm not a robot tho, nor am I an entirely emotional being, without logic or/nor intellect. Sometimes the conflict between the two can lead to a panic attack. The problem(s) with balance(ing)(es) can and do often lead to panic attack(s) as well.

Balance. Something I've never, ever, EVER been good at.

Guess this post doesn't sound mellow!

I did want to fulfill my promise to talk about the panic attack, though!

I'm si5tting here, with the door open, soaking up the late aftenoon sun, enjoying the day, and just FEELING it, and feeling mellow.

I also had a really good therapy session earlier today. I postponed the appointment from earlier this week due to my daughter's illness. She was asleep with a 104 fever and had recently had medicine to bring it down, and I wasn't going to wake her up to drag her out so's hubby could drop me off for therapy. So I called and canceled, apologizing with a short explanation and asking for a reschedule. Sometimes as a parent you have those choices. Plus I don't have a driver's license, and even if you ignored that, I recently had surgery, so driving wouldn't be a good idea, especially with a stick shift.

Anyway, think of the Sheryl Crow song, "I'm Gonna Soak Up Some Sun" or whatever it's called, and that's what I'm doing, and mellowing out. Oh, and listening to all the hoopla over the American Idol top three finalist, Archuletta (I always mix up his first name w/someone else's) being HERE, in Salt Lake City, today. The kid can sing, that's for sure.

Gonna go read a magazine outside in the sunshine! See ya'll!

Um, Okay . . . . . Minor Rant (with a Side Dish of Panic Attack)

PA's (Physician's Assistant's) have their place in the medical system, but it has long become too prominent, in some ways, in the, or at least my, GP's practice, anyway. He's booked out farther than she is, so she sees the more immediate problems, such as will see you the next morning for the UTI, or whatever . . . .

It is coming to the point where one only sees their family doctor at their annual physical, and that is . . . not conducive to a good therapeutic relationship, which is essential for a good GP/patient relationship, for good communication, trust, etcetera.

Also, I believe it can lead to unnecessary medical expense or protracted diagnostic processes, which sounds so cold and clinical, especially given the reality of the mother's concern and fears as my daughter's fever has spiked to 102 and 104 multiple times, for both temperatures, despite the second round of stronger antibiotics.

I think, now, that the first round of antibiotics was issued, because of the lung sounds in one lung, of fluid, that could lead to pneumonia, and they were a preventative measure.

I believe this now, because the (searching for the right word here - ruggedly handsome doesn't quite fit, he's a bit too lean, he's not scraggly either, nice salt and pepper neatly trimmed beard, handsome, not craggy, not Grey's Anatomy McSteamy or McDreamy but those gals would definitely not turn this doc away . . . hrm) doctor of course said that bronchitis is a virus, and so there's no reason for antibiotics. He said to stop them immediately.

It also didn't help that she was throwing up as he was first entering the room . . . . . nor did it help that the prescription on this stronger antibiotic was written in a way that I did not know that it was augmentin - I'm familiar with the side effects of that, but nowhere did it say that, it was named something else. I think they should list the common names of a med on a prescription printout thingie when the pharmacy gives that thing printed out with the info anyway . . . . Augmentin tends to add to nausea, as does the Children's Motrin we'd been giving her to control the fever. He said Tylenol.

I feel kind of caught between a bunch of conflicting doctor opinions, except all the preceding ones were really from a PA (physician's assistant). Although, again, I believe I understand the reasoning behind the initial antibiotic prescription - with fluid in the one lung, preventing pneumonia (that one IS treated with antibiotics, am I correct? and so antibiotics would prevent it from taking hold, if it had started to , or something? which I am wondering, especially since her cough and condition improved by about 40% on that first antibiotic . . . .) . . . . . . . I'm all for stopping pneumonia in it's tracks, although of course I'm her mother and so I'm biased. I also understand the concern about over-prescribing antibiotics. It's just, it's hard to remember which things are viruses, which are germ-based, etc. and so you go along with whatever the medical person says.

I feel like, when the 2nd visit to the PA was made on this case, that the practice's M.D. should have been consulted, even after the appointment was over, just to oversee and give us a call about it. Because at some point in a case like this, I think the doctor himself should have a hand in it, and not just leave it all to the PA, and I think that at this point is where this PA system can prolong stuff as I mentioned above, and stuff. Lead to more expense (expensive medicine), needless suffering on my daughter's part (medicine that adds to the nausea, especially unnecessary medicine), etc.

Although diagnostics is not an exact science, etc. I just feel this whole PA thing needs more oversight, in ongoing cases, and in some other way there's got to be something done so that it doesn't come to a point where I'm only seeing my GP at the annual physical . . . . .

I guess I'll get to the side dish of panic attack later, or tomorrow. It was at the Instacare, as a reaction to something late in the appointment, and it happened back in the lobby . . . .

Eeek!

Given the temperatures my daughter's fever has been spiking to these last couple of days, despite the 2nd round of stronger antibiotics, I called the doc, and his whoever is taking his calls called in with the advice to get her in to the Instacare by tonight. Her cough is less frequent, although not much less intense (the first round of antibiotics did decrease the intensity more). It's kind of hard to tell, it's kind of subjective, since I'm not the one coughing.

Although actually, now I am. I've stopped the exerbycling about 5 days ago, a couple days before I'd heard the advice for us to send a note to school (we and doc had thought her fever would go away pretty quickly with this second round of antibiotics, and so when it did she'd be okay medically to go to school) saying that she was not to run as long as she had the cough. I'm glad I had stopped the exerbycling, I do not want to put stress on my lungs if it is going to exacerbate something that is going to need its own care to resolve. I'm walking around more, among other things, to make sure I get the movement and such that my knee needs to heal well and not feel "sticky" or such. It worries me ALOT when my knee feels that way, as it sometimes does after sleeping all night.

Fevers of 104, 102, etc., cool baths, what have you, Children's Motrin, of course, to manage the fever, movies to manage the boredom and misery, etc . . .

A visiting teacher & friend will be dropping us off and picking us up from the Instacare - I'm so glad I had someone to call I could get ahold of!!!

Short update, & Bronchitis Bites

I'm physically healing; the other impacts of what I learned and saw from what they showed and did inside my knee and even showed upwards along the femur some. I'm definitely not happy about what that showed either.

Anyway . . . . . there is SO much going on inside me about this . . . . it's all mixed up, sometimes there's moments or days of clarity . . . .

I'll talk about that more sometime.

I've been getting some time in on the exerbycle, as I call it.

Roughly every 3 days or so, sometimes every other day but more lik eevery 3 days, because generally one of the other two days I'll get quite enough activity that it'll wear me out, at least as far as how much I've done or been doing on the knee. The farther out from the procedure I get, the less I'll feel so that way, in fact, every day is more and more, but there's always that reminder when I say use my leg/knee/foot to sweep something aside in a sideways and then circular motion, woops, yeah, THAT hurts.

Or some other thing. Like getting up or down. Well, if it's from the low love seat, or the low cheapie porcelain throne, if you get my drift. It's too low for comfort, even without a knee thing anyway.

I'm proud of myself for the bike thing!

Anyway, quick update, would type more, daughter was diagnosed w/bronchitis a week ago, and apparently the first round of antibiotics didn't clear it up. Poor thing came home from school early with a moderately high fever and throwing up, and a bad cough (though not as bad as before the first round of antibiotics began). Apparently my knee surgery claims have not all been processed yet (not surprised, it takes time), because we've had to pay out of pocket for all the meds for the bronchitis, and it's been over $100 (of course, worth of it for my daughter's health, of course!!!!). Also, the tax return is for the medical stuff before the deductible is reached, which the surgery will more than reach it. So I'll have to pay part of the surgical cost, the rest will be insurance and most everything the rest of the year will be 100% insurance, meds included, whew.

Anyway, it's been one thing after another, this year. Right on top of a mixed in with and just all tumbled in a big mess together and stuff. Here's hoping and praying that my daughter recovers quickly and well.