I bought a towel today, only because my husband saw it and noted the three smiling dolphins; normally a $20 beach towel, it was on clearance for $6.00. As I am always feeling less than adequately covered by the size of the usual towel, it wasn't a hard decision to grab these smiling faces.At the moment they are camouflaging the over-the-door shoe holder that is on the back of our front door; I put it over it on a whim, and it almost perfectly covers it. Our living room has ocean, dolphin, and lighthouse-themed items decorating it (well, that's the intended theme, although you'll find Neopets that each of us own, a miniature Star Wars fleet of my husband's, and a MESS of papers; I'm SO bad with papers!) It's a temporary whim, as beach-towel decor is probably not very . . . haute? or whatever the term is. Still, it's near me at my computer desk, and they cheer me up quite nicely, which is quite a thing, these days, and that's no small thing.
I've also recently wiped the C: drive and reinstalled Windows and such, and have not finished reinstalling all my programs; I know there's web apps for fixing graphics, but I just wanted to quickly load it in from the scanner, so crooked is how it remains for now! My computer is still misbehaving though; slowly devolving into a calculator, as I put it.
On another note, today I told my therapist, "Damn you."
Why did I say that, you might ask? Well, I said after a pause, "I come in here all seeing no reason to be or anything, and you somehow find a way to have me all talking about the future again and stuff . . . . . you get to me and help me, darn you!"
We had a good laugh together, because by the end of that, that's how it was. At the beginning of it, it seriously was a reflection on how I had started out the appointment, but was at the 2/3 point through it, and realized the shift, and was like HEY how did this happen???!!!??
Sort of, but really! But not, but it's not like I'm saying therapy is devious, or that the therapist is devious; it's not and he's not. It's just that my mood the last session and this one, well, it's been difficult, to say the least. And then all of a sudden, from my lips sprung, "Damn you, you helped me!!!!" kind of thing, if you know what I mean, kind of!!! Sort of like, despite my less rational self's efforts, the mania I've been having and just things being so fear-filled and other things, that somehow my more rational self was brought out through it, and worked throughout the pain, and the grey, and the pall, and the ineffableness of it all.
It's really hard to explain, especially since I'm not the swearing sort, at least not conversationally. If I stub my toe or bang my leg on the stupid corner of the foot of the bed for the umpteenth time, that's something different (although perhaps a goal to be worked on at some point; I will strive not to judge myself right now because I have other things on my plate at present of higher priority to myself.)
Things have been really, really, REALLY difficult inside, and I can use your thoughts and prayers, or whatever your form of well-wishing may be. I'd surely appreciate it at this time.
Thank you!
