Do you KNOW how it feels . . .

to know that the worst thing about yourself, is that you exist, AND that other people feel that way, too?

That last, is a real kicker . . . . because then it's not possible that it's just ME inside and my stupid fears.

I know, that if I were strong enough, it should NOT matter one tiny little bit what someone else thinks.

But then again, we are talking about someone, ME, who struggles with even BEING here, and then to know that someone else is desirous of pushing you down into wretchedness even farther . . . . how much farther can you go, than not wanting to be here, and WHY would someone want to make someone in my situation, feel even WORSE? Hell, even if I WASN'T in this situation . . . .

It hurts me SO BAD to have the things inside, the feelings and thoughts, that were BEHIND and the CAUSE of my suicide attempt in February, thrown at me by another human being. Among other things that make it worse.

I AM A WRETCHED, PITIFUL THING.

But I am here; I remain. I exist, even if it takes all my strength and effort just to do THAT.

Do you know how STRONG I am, that I remain, that I EXIST, in this storm, without falling over? I am here, being pelted by the hail of hell (my illnesses, thoughts, feelings, stress, and other things), baseball-size battering me into a pulp, shredding my soul into tatters . . . . and yet, I REMAIN. My soul whispers that in a whisper that is yet such a universally loud proclamation that I will not go under . . . though I may not know how I may ever sew the tatters of my being-ness back into any semblance of a workable fabric, I REMAIN.

That, alone, is my strength, and the focus of my purpose and struggle. I AM HERE, and I am not going anywhere, though the hail would destroy me; I am upright, though torn, bloodied, bruised, wounded, battered, and emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and completely EXHAUSTED.

I REMAIN, and that is my refrain. If this is all I can do right now, SO BE IT, although I struggle mightily with self and other judgements that I am not doing more; I am completely bent on just FIGHTING with all my heart and soul the TEMPESTS that beset me.

Thanks Barb, and Everyone . . .

I'm still here.

I dunno how, but I am.

I Am and Have Been in Shock for a Few Days

I am consumed with a pain, that is unfathomable . . .

I am riddled with arrows as thick, barbed, primitive, and deadly as those which riddled poor Boromir at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring.

When what I thought was pure, has been ripped, slashed, and torn from my trembling grasp . . .

When my strength, and also where I hoped that I could turn for strength, has been stolen from me . . . .

I feel abandoned and rejected, in the worst ways I imagine that one could feel.

I am bereft.

I am stunned.

I cry into the darkness of night, and my cry swells into more horror than I can contain.

This is only ONE of the monsters with which I wrestle, and these monsters are on steroids.

I AM BEREFT!

What am I to do, with this knowledge I now have, this knowledge that is crushing my world, is part of the crumbling away of the very ground on which I thought I stood . . .

The abyss yawns . . . stretching its mouth open wide, eager to claim what it knows as its very own. I feel as a kindred spirit to that abyss. I KNOW the abyss; I feel it in my heart, in the depths of my soul.

When things are not as I always thought they were, when the ties that I thought bound us together, in reality were only a fairy tale of a very foolish girl who thought she was wanted . . . .

How stupid of me.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?

Somebody PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me.

I Am and Have Been in Shock for a Few Days

Actor Crush of the Day:

I'm Glad I Have Friends Here

Actor Crush of the Day: Matthew McConaughey

Let's chat. Oh, and Anne GB, could you give me a call please? Thanks . . .

I hate to be so needy, but I need friends. Most everyone does . . .

I've been calling my SIL too much, and so thought I'd turn here for some kindness, warmth, empathy, and support.

And just some good 'ole chat.

So. How are your lives going? Anything new happen lately? Good things, I hope.

My husband lost his job the last day of January. We were fortunate in that he found a good, better-paying job that he's been at for a few weeks now. I can't wait for the benefits in four months, although I am worried that getting us all insurance might eat up most of the difference in pay from his last, lower-paying job.

Still, I've heard they have really GOOD benefits, because they like to keep their employees, and keep them happy. So, we'll see!

I actually cooked quite a bit this last week! Five days of yummy dinners, for $50 for the ingredients, and it included steak, salmon fillets, and two pounds of chicken for two different dinners. Let me say, OOOOOOoooooo we were eating good this week! It has been SO LONG since I could CHOOSE ingredients to buy.

My husband helped me alot with the cooking, and cooked the fifth meal himself last night, but I am proud of myself for doing some cooking this last week. I often don't have it in me to even grab myself anything to eat, let alone cook, except for throwing something in the nuker for Emily sometimes. So most of the time, I eat little to nothing, at least, if it weren't for my hubby, fixing food for me. There's no motivation or incentive to make anything to eat, often, for me, and the few times I do feel like making something, the lack of any possibility of anything I'd want to eat in the house, pretty much puts an end to that, and so I don't eat.

Yeah, I sound finicky, I know, but seriously, if I can't muster up a good reason to eat (yes, I know living should be a good reason, but it needs to be something that MOTIVATES me, that fills me with the desire to overcome all the obstacles and difficulties and extra effort it requires to get up and eat/fix & eat something.)

Anyway, so we had some yummy dinners! What have you all been fixing and eating this week? I LOOOOvvvee talking about food and recipes and stuff, which also helps motivate me to do more of that too.

I don't know what I'd do without my caring husband. With everything else, and he's become a cook for me. That might sound bad, to some, but loved ones of the mentally ill become the caretakers, when the ill just lose every erg of energy, mental and/or otherwise, to do for themselves.

I wish the weather would stay warm, as it's chilled off a bit the last 4-5 days. I know it's barely March, though. It'll warm soon enough.

How is it, the weather, where you are?

I've been beading, and finishing off some necklaces, take a look on my beading blog! It's part of why I haven't been around Piebolar for a few days. I'll have some more things soon, though I must say, I am SO tempted to keep the picture jasper necklace. It looks WONDERFUL, on!

I dunno, what else would you like to talk about? Name it! I need some chat, and to know that people actually want to converse with me.

Course, I know it's not just about me and what I need, it's about enjoying each other's personalities and stuff.