to know that the worst thing about yourself, is that you exist, AND that other people feel that way, too?
That last, is a real kicker . . . . because then it's not possible that it's just ME inside and my stupid fears.
I know, that if I were strong enough, it should NOT matter one tiny little bit what someone else thinks.
But then again, we are talking about someone, ME, who struggles with even BEING here, and then to know that someone else is desirous of pushing you down into wretchedness even farther . . . . how much farther can you go, than not wanting to be here, and WHY would someone want to make someone in my situation, feel even WORSE? Hell, even if I WASN'T in this situation . . . .
It hurts me SO BAD to have the things inside, the feelings and thoughts, that were BEHIND and the CAUSE of my suicide attempt in February, thrown at me by another human being. Among other things that make it worse.
I AM A WRETCHED, PITIFUL THING.
But I am here; I remain. I exist, even if it takes all my strength and effort just to do THAT.
Do you know how STRONG I am, that I remain, that I EXIST, in this storm, without falling over? I am here, being pelted by the hail of hell (my illnesses, thoughts, feelings, stress, and other things), baseball-size battering me into a pulp, shredding my soul into tatters . . . . and yet, I REMAIN. My soul whispers that in a whisper that is yet such a universally loud proclamation that I will not go under . . . though I may not know how I may ever sew the tatters of my being-ness back into any semblance of a workable fabric, I REMAIN.
That, alone, is my strength, and the focus of my purpose and struggle. I AM HERE, and I am not going anywhere, though the hail would destroy me; I am upright, though torn, bloodied, bruised, wounded, battered, and emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically, and completely EXHAUSTED.
I REMAIN, and that is my refrain. If this is all I can do right now, SO BE IT, although I struggle mightily with self and other judgements that I am not doing more; I am completely bent on just FIGHTING with all my heart and soul the TEMPESTS that beset me.
9 comments:
Bless your heart.
There are people who are glad you are here.
Never forget that.
Sara, we are glad you are here. You do brighten our days, and your sweet little daughter's days, and your husband's days. There is a core of strength in you, though it be battered and wrung with pain, and hurting. It is there, we know it, and your Heavenly Father knows it. He is weeping with you as you struggle through your days. He smiles with you too, when you have bright times. He loves you. We all love you. Mom
Sara, I have thought before how I thought you were strong but did not know if you knew it too. I am glad that you know that about yourself. I am so glad that you remain against all that you face. I hope the day comes soon when you are not just surviving. I do not know why some people are tried so much as you are. I met a friend on a forum who I think I told you about before. When he went on medication, a fog lifted and he was able to think so much more clearly. His medication might cause diabeties or shorten his life but he said it was worth it after the h-ll that he had experienced.
I found a quote at motivateus.com/cibt that seems rather profound. I am not sure that I grasp it entirely, but it makes me think of you and your determination to remain.
Here it is: "Have the determination of a mirror. It never loses its ability to reflect even if it is broken into a thousand pieces." Author Unknown submitted by Naren Dharmaraj- Tamilnadu India. March 6, 2006
Sara,
I am so sorry that you are still feeling so down. You said "to know that the worst thing about yourself, is that you exist, AND that other people feel that way, too" Please get that thought out of your mind! No one feels that way about you! Unconditional love means that you love someone for who and what they are - no matter what. And that is what exists in our family!
Please hold on - this too shall pass. Time has a way of healing wounds.
Try not to dwell too much on this and think of fun things - Emily, Scott, Beading, and Spring!
I hope you are planning on coming to my birthday party tonight. I am looking forward to seeing you.
Although I usually sign with my name, this is so personal about someone else that I will be anonymous. I doubt if they would see it because I do not think they remember the name of the blog here or how to get to it as they are not very tech savvy. But to be safe I will post as anonymous.
My earliest of years were very happy. Both of my parents seemed to treat me well as I recall during my earliest of years. I thought the years were good for my mom too as I did not think my dad was so bad then. I do remember her crying in bed at least once with a locked door, but anyone can have a fit of tears I would think. There was not the yelling, screaming, breaking things, or violence then.
So when my mom told me something it shocked me. She said because my dad was so hard on her when I was young that she was really considering killing herself. Here I thought that my early years were so happy. And they were happy and many ways this was due to her as she was a nurturing mom. She was a fun mom. What would I have done without my mommy. How could I possibly of understood her actions. What would my life have been like growing up in the aftermath of my mother's suicide.
I know you fight for you life. And it is one of the most important fights of your life.
Your little one sees you and how you care about her and what she learns at school and what she learns. She knows you are her advocate.
I hope that you have advocates for you, Sara.
Hey Sara, I hope you were able to go to Bttyrae's birthday party last night!
You are in our prayers, and our thoughts, even knowing that there isn't a lot we can do for you except love you and let you know that we care. That's what I am doing now . . . Mom
Hugs
There is some wonderful sharing that happens on your blog Sara. It's beautiful. I hope you see how deep people reach into themselves in order to reach out to you. That can be really tough. It's because they truly care about you. Love you.
After my suicide attempt, someone who I believe truly hates me (and honestly probably hates many many people and things in this world) came over and told me that she wished I'd been successful and that if people knew who I truly was that they'd all wish it'd worked too. Even though I knew she had a black heart, it was so hard not to hold close to me. It took me a long time to get by that and truly realize that the only people's opinions that mattered to me were those people who loved me and those people whose hearts were truly with God. And noone whose heart is with God would ever believe that someone had no worth, much less tell them... especially someone that loved me or I loved.
You are a wonderful loving mother and your children need you desperately. Their lives would be destroyed if you were to leave this life. This last week, my best friend's mother committed suicide. I have never seen such pain, suffering, and doubt in someone so close to me. She is full of faith and one of the strongest people I know, yet she can barely get out of bed before 4pm. Her "life" is all but gone. I can't imagine what it would be like for a child. Children need their mothers. Mothers are not replaceable no matter how "good" they are. Her's was bipolar and schizophrenic, and like me (and most moms), made plenty of mistakes. She loved her with her whole heart. Every piece of her. She was her mother.
Sara, you are worth SO much to so many. You are NEEDED by so many. Your mother loves you every bit as you love your own children. You husband loves you. Your children love you. Your true friends... and you do have friends, even online... they love you. And most importantly, God loves you.
And the only "opinion" that truly counts is your own.
The worst part about you is not that you exist Sara, if anything, it's that you doubt your existance matters.
It does. It so does.
Keep up the good fight! Hugs... :)
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