It has helped, is helping, and will help.
I have been struggling, floundering, frenetically reaching for any light, kindness, love, friendship, support, et. al, to help sustain me, and I find it, again and again, through the kind and sometimes difficult and very deep expressions of experience, friendship, kindness, and love that have been posted here for me.
I hate to feel so needy, though, but as I KNOW that I am putting everything I can into fighting this darkness, I am trying to tell myself that I shouldn't feel guilty for needing or wanting support, for needing or wanting contact and communication with people who care, who are concerned, who like to laugh with me, who accept my silliness and dark mood swings and bouts/bursts of extreme neediness, who see my more intellectual side and accept that too, and don't judge me as just a silly, juvenile, manic, depressed, flighty individual.
THANK YOU. I appreciate and need all of you. (Why is it that the final scene from Labyrinth, in Sarah's bedroom with all the Jim-Henson creatures, is going through my mind right now? Hee! You're the babe with the power . . . What power? The power of voodoo . . . . Who do? You do . . . Do what? Remind me of the babe . . . . What babe? The babe with the power . . . Hee hee hee!)
Guess I need to watch that again, now. Lol! I feel like I'm in that MC. Escher-like maze of crazy, 4-dimensionally going every which-way and dimension and direction, stairways. 4-dimensionally probably isn't the right term for it but there really ISN'T one.
Anyway! Thank you. I am glad to see people haven't given up on me, and to see EVERYONE who returns. I mean to visit you, Lizzie, and Barb, go to that website of poetry you moderate, but then I always fizzle out. Well, not always. But I'll get there . . . .
Thank you for WANTING me. For wanting me to EXIST. Feeling NOT WANTED is a horrible thing for me. And has been a particular struggle, of late. As you've seen.
But, as I told my ologist, the way out is THROUGH. I have to feel what I'm feeling, let the emotions and reactions HAPPEN inside (pushing them away and burying will only cause more problems, long-term), work on them, feel them, sometimes just hold on as they batter me. It is NOT self-indulgent to be within this, within the experience of these emotions, to let them wash over me. I do periodically check my "Wallow" meter, to see if I'm just wallowing in it, or if I'm EXPERIENCING it, letting it happen so I can realize what I need to from the process. And then, when the emotions recede for a bit, sometimes work on what has come out of the storm, and figure a tiny bit more out.
I wish, so much, that I didn't have this, but I do. It's my life, my experience, now. So, I'll be going THROUGH it, and I apologize for the moodiness this is going to cause. SEVERE moodiness. And, given the number and depth of the issues involved, it could be years, before I have fully processed the issues; before I've come to the end of the road for a particular difficulty or trouble. I don't know when I'll be THROUGH, but that's the only way I can see to go. I can't shove it aside.
SO. Thank you all for being with me, here, through this. I'm NOT abandoning this blog; I'll be back to my more frequent posting at some point, probably not a distant point; ie, probably sooner rather than later. I just don't know yet, from day to day, how much I can do.
But, I am here to STAY! I am so glad that others value me, although I do recognize the need for me to internalize a self-valuing.
My ologist is going on vacation for two weeks; tomorrow is my last appt. with him before he goes. So, I'm going to be . . . probably in some difficulties.
THAT'S nothing new. But, I am trying to find some light in humor.
Like the CrashBonsai thing, it just makes me giggle!
Or how about THIS:
Especially good for late-night surfing and there's no CERTS in sight!
With that laugh, I leave you and bid you adieu; a bientot!
16 comments:
Friends and family are part of God's plan for us. Relationships, our character, and what intelligence we gain as well as our faith are the only things we can take with us into the next life. I often think how even Jesus when he was suffering for our sins had an angel to comfort him. I need friends. We all need friends. I am glad to call you a friend.
I read on Dr. Deb's blog on a link from Jame's blog that a lot of people blog as a way to be connected with others and finding out what is going on with people online in their lives and associating with them is a great therapy.
I don't know about that certs mouse. What will they come up with next?
I called McAfee support tonight. A 3 dollars a minute, I am not looking forward to the bill. The person who I spoke with was in Utah and named Mari. She was very patient with me as I am not tech savvy. I did not realize when she said delete that I was supposed to type delete rather than hit the delete key. It took us a few tries before we figured out what I was doing. Then at one point I typed .txp rather than .txt. I guess that was not good as she told me to turn off my computer to stop whatever was running. Well, I think that I got rid of a virus that I have had for ages. However, I still have twin icons for ad-aware, spypot, and recycle bin, which happened yesterday after receiving a strange email. At least, my computer has not been freezing like it used to when I would get a virus. Maybe it is because I pay extra money for the extra high speed. It is one of my few luxuries in life. :)
So who's your actor crush of the day?
She must be crushing on the huz today. :)
Glad to see a more upbeat post from you, but you're entitled to your moodiness. I'll still read, comment and be as happy to be at your site (when time and my own moodiness affords it). :) Your pdoc sounds really wonderful. I might just copy a bit of that down for myself. I've heard the through it thing before, but I like the accompaniment of the "wallowing" bit. Not that *I* would ever wallow. LOL.
Will go check out your bonsai thing now. And the certs thing. I need a smile myself.
Take care... hugs!
Sara, Did you ever see that Tea had a word of encouragement for you on her blog as she knew what a hard time you were going through. You now both share the honor of being guest bloggers on FMHW. I hope I got that right as it is way too long to spell out the whole thing.
I like your very conjugations at the top of the page of help.
I used to know how to conjugate all the tenses in Spanish. Now, I can barely do first person. :(
Yesterday, my aunt, her daughter, and her daughter's son(a little odd wording perhaps but you get the correct multi-generation relationships that way, were here to visit and see the tulips that have bloomed so far. My aunt is an avid gardener and an artist who has a zest for life and its beauty. That is not to say that she has not had her bouts with depression. She has a bad back so she is not able to get out a lot and being an extrovert as she is it is so crucial for her to be among large settings from time to time. She really is a lot of fun and very insightful. I told her about you and how you are my friend. I told her about your daughter and that she had high functioning autism. My aunt was not sure which end of the diagnosis that was so I explained. She was glad to hear that it meant she was at the level she could really be helped. I also shared about the cute comment Emily made that time about how her arms were folded behind her. In addition, I shared with my aunt who is into beading as yourself about your pursuits there. I wish I could give her the links, but I like to be able to be open in my dialogue here so I do not want family to read. I did share about your skills and ability in that area. I also shared about how you were an editor in high school. I touched briefly on your bipolar. So your experiences have influenced my aunt for the good although she does not have the privelege thus far of making your acquintance. Perhaps I will have a change of heart down the line and let her know where this blog is. My aunt has made friends online that she cherishes. They support one another. I want you to know that I am grateful for the support that you give me as well.
My relatives stayed outside and did not invade my personal space so we had a pretty good visit. My dad brought out the soccer ball that he had recently purchased and never used outdoors for my cousin's son. He is a special child and has been in behaviorly disturbed classrooms for the most part since first grade. They have tried to mainstream him at times with disastorous results. I had a good visit with my first cousin as well. She and I click pretty good when we see each other. She is not very good at staying in touch by talking on the phone or through other mediums though. We were very close as children and she even lived with us when she was about four and and I was about seven as their mom was recuperating from back surgery. We have that special bond that spans the years. You know the "we played in the sand box together thing." We even have a funny story about all of that where we put sand all over ourselves once as we wanted to take a bath. My mom who was generally a very laidback parent was not well pleased. I think she told us just to tell her if we wanted to take a bath rather than getting sand all over us. It is funny to look back upon. Also, it is fun to look at pictures and either we did not have fashion sense or the fashions have really changed. :)
By the way, it is not needy to want friends to walk with you through life in the good and back times.
IT IS NORMAL!
Somebody that my dad knows was in the neighborhood and stopped by with his wife and two-year-old son and baby. We visited outside. They loved our tulips and lilacs in bloom. The little boy was a blonde with a serious face and glasses. He found our wiffle golf balls and started throwing them. He had a pretty good arm for two. It was cute how he would chase after the ball. The family was headed for ice-cream after our visit. Such a nice young family. :)
I think we are finally going to watch the cd that my sisters mother-in-law loaned to us with Dakota Manning and Kurt Russell. A movie with a horse is usually a winner.
We also have King Kong. I am not too excited about that one. As a child, I liked the King Kong movies and the King Kong VS Godzilla movies. I did part of a movie on cable a while back that I think was called "Godzilla VS Space Godzilla. True suspense! lol
My Home Teachers came yesterday. I actually have not allowed Home Teachers in my home or visiting teachers for several years due to my phobias and something always happening that makes me nervous. That is not to say that I do not get nervous with the other people I live with or when others visit. However, there are nuances here that are not often in other visits that make it worse sometimes. Plus, it is not like I can control when other guests come. My Home Teachers respected my boundaries that I set and I was able to not get close to them where we were outside. It ended up being a really nice visit.
I was feeling very groggy on the way to work. My dad had pulled into a Walgreens and I asked him if he could get me some Orange Juice. He is a real sweetheart about such things. It was the type with pulp and it seemed to perk me up. I am worried it may freeze tonight and I hope it does not harm the flowers. :( I may not be online the rest of this week. Talk to you later!
Hey! I made it online today after all. We are getting vegetarian pizza tonight. There is a place in Omaha that makes the best!
Oh, and I have to find out which person is going from American Idol. It will be sad regardless. :(
That was very nice of him. I hope your flowers are not frozen!
Oooo, pizza! Yum!
I'll be watching AI right along with you, sob! I am glad your HT's respected your boundaries and that it was a nice visit!
I'm looking forward to new Lost's and Invasion's. Oh dangit, that means I can't always catch American Idol. But only one is new this week, or even on. So hopefully I can still watch AI!
I have never seen an episode of Lost. I will have to put that on my "To do list." :)
I have been letting my sister's dog out as she is out of town with her husband. Yesterday and today rained for hours nonstop. Not a good combination with letting dogs out!
Her dogs all have a lot of personality. Her oldest dog almost always puts a toy in its mouth when you first enter. She seems to do this even when I go out front for a few minutes. Although one time, she must have been at a loss for a toy as she had a sock in her mouth until she found a suitable toy.
My sister and brother-in-law returned from Las Vegas 1 am Tuesday morning. They went with my cousin and her husband who live there to see the "Rat Pack." It sounds like a good time was had by all. I have never been to Vegas myself. Viva Las Vegas!
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