I am consumed with a pain, that is unfathomable . . .
I am riddled with arrows as thick, barbed, primitive, and deadly as those which riddled poor Boromir at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring.
When what I thought was pure, has been ripped, slashed, and torn from my trembling grasp . . .
When my strength, and also where I hoped that I could turn for strength, has been stolen from me . . . .
I feel abandoned and rejected, in the worst ways I imagine that one could feel.
I am bereft.
I am stunned.
I cry into the darkness of night, and my cry swells into more horror than I can contain.
This is only ONE of the monsters with which I wrestle, and these monsters are on steroids.
I AM BEREFT!
What am I to do, with this knowledge I now have, this knowledge that is crushing my world, is part of the crumbling away of the very ground on which I thought I stood . . .
The abyss yawns . . . stretching its mouth open wide, eager to claim what it knows as its very own. I feel as a kindred spirit to that abyss. I KNOW the abyss; I feel it in my heart, in the depths of my soul.
When things are not as I always thought they were, when the ties that I thought bound us together, in reality were only a fairy tale of a very foolish girl who thought she was wanted . . . .
How stupid of me.
WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS?
Somebody PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE help me.
22 comments:
Sara, what has happened? . . . Please e-mail me . . . Mom
I was told some things that I never should have been told, and when I checked on the info, I found that up until a certain point in time, it was true. I am glad for the honesty of the person who responded to my checking, but it is . . . very difficult for me to absorb, and even think about.
The cat was out of the bag, and so I needed to know. I wish the cat had stayed in the bag, oh how I wish with all my heart and soul that it had.
I couldn't find your email right now.
Therapy was very . . . intense, today. Well, it's usually intense, but . . . .
Dammit, I always screw things up. ALWAYS. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
What was I suposed to to? I subscribe to the "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice" philosophy. I thought you deserved the truth, because lies (or rather, the withholding of truth) always comes out--as we have unfortunately witnessed.
Crap, I've messed up your life AGAIN. Oh my gosh I am sorry. I can't take this.
Sara, if it involves someone that is very important to your life, I say to work together so you can trust that person again. But, first you may need to just get through the day, and the next day until you can go from there.
Keep reaching out. I hope your pain will ease.
Beck! No, you haven't. I am grateful for your honesty, as I told you when we spoke, and again as a reply to my mom on here.
Even without knowing if it was true or not, I was still left with alot of concerns and worries.
The only way out of this pain is THROUGH it, and the only way I can do that is verifying or debunking the truthfulness or not of certain claims that were made.
You are helping me start that course THROUGH it, though it is a difficult course and painful.
There is no other way for me to work these things out, not and end up in an eventually better place, I hope. I don't know how long that will take, though.
You can BELIEVE me when I say things like on the phone the other night, things like how I appreciate your honesty and stuff. The last thing I need right now is to feel more betrayal and more deception.
Even if finding out the truth or not of some of these claims, leads to me feeling betrayed, deceived, etc., at least it's the start of a path through this crap.
So PLEASE, rest assured that you have done a GOOD THING by being upfront in responding to my queries.
And, in fact, the things you had to say about it came in very useful in a good way in therapy today. He was very glad that you had said certain things.
Hey Sara, I have no earthly clue what this is about, but I hope that Beck and your mom (and lots of others) are there to help you through it. I'm here if you need to talk. Always.
Hang in there. I'm scared for you. Sounds as if you have some things very straight in your head though which is great... truth above all else. You can't fix something if the truth isn't in it.
Lean on your friends and family. And definitely lean on God.
Hugs... Liz
Sara, I hope you will have comfort and strength in all that you do today.
I meant to sign that Barb. I do so hope you are okay.
Hang in there Sara. We will all get through this together.
I love you
http://www.ldsmag.com/articles/060316storms.html
If you have time you might want to read this....
Thanks people.
I'm still here.
I am glad that you checked in with us, Sara. In all my activities today, you were often in my thoughts.
Oh Sara, I'd love to have you as my neighbor and my friend. My next essay at fmh is going to be on my struggle with bipolar, so I hope you'll read it, even if you don't comment on it. I'm rooting for you, we're all in this together.
Sara, I tried to find a good Irish proverb to share with you. I liked this one and hope you will too.
"A friend's eye is a good mirror."
Sara, while what you are going through may be too personal for you to want to share with me, if you ever want to email me to chat about anything under the sun, ldscity.com is up and running again. You would have to register again if you have not already done so.
I know sometimes that you get nervous about doing such things so know that my heart is with you either way. I do not know exactly what you are going through, but know it is excruciating from what you have posted here. I hope that you have received some perspective that has helped you deal with this. It sounds like you had very intense therapy, which is so important at this time.
Life’s Tug of War
Life can seem ungrateful and not always kind.
Life can pull at your heartstrings and play with your mind.
Life can be blissful and happy and free.
Life can put beauty in the things that you see.
Life can place challenges right at your feet.
Life can make good of the hardships that we meet.
Life can overwhelm you and make your head spin.
Life can reward those determined to win.
Life can be hurtful and not always fair.
Life can surround you with people who care.
Life clearly does offer its ups and its downs.
Life’s days can bring you both smiles and frowns.
Life teaches us to take the good with the bad.
Life is a mixture of happy and sad.
So…
Take the life that you have and give it your best.
Think positive, be happy, let God do the rest.
Take the challenges that life has laid at your feet.
Take pride and be thankful for each one you meet.
To yourself give forgiveness if you stumble and fall.
Take each day that is dealt you and give it your all.
Take the love that you’re given and return it with care.
Have faith that when needed it will always be there.
Take time to find beauty in the things that you see.
Take life’s simple pleasures let them set your heart free.
The idea here is simply to even the score.
As you are met and faced with
Life’s Tug Of War.
Bttyrae, what a great poem!
Sara, I hope this finds you doing okay.
Sara, I get concerned when you have not posted so recently as you are you usually post so frequently. I hope that you have just been busy.
Although our friendship has mainly been right here at your blog, I do consider you a good friend. It is not often that one meets someone that they feel that they click with to such a degree.
You say that what you believed was fantasy. I think we all give way to some fantasy. I think though that somewhere in that fantasy that there may be genuine love and that should nto be dismissed or taken lightly. People make mistakes and even hurt those that they care about even when they care about them. I guess the question is if the person is sorry. It is a long hard road to build from when someone has been hurt as much as you have been. However, I have known those who have been betrayed and have found much happiness again with those people.
Work went pretty good today although I was a little on the tired side. I had one customer who really wore my out as I was a little tired before even starting his call. He wanted to check so many different rates at so many locations. He really surprised me when he wanted to speak to a supervisor at the end of my call to compliment me. Sometimes it is just when you least expect it. :)
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