Actor Crush of the Day:
Insurance companies often deny reimbursement for personality disorder treatments, leaving therapists struggling to help some of their neediest patients.
Despite the difficult-to-treat reputation of personality disorders, clinical trials of treatments show promise.
Insurance companies, GRRRRRR!!!
Well, those three words sum up probably the worst problem in the mental and medical healthcare system, although there are other major factors/problems/areas of needed change as well.
It SOUNDS like there are a VERY few insurance companies STARTING to listen and cover at least borderline personality disorder, for longer treatment periods, but . . . . that is the barest beginning of PERHAPS what might be, hopefully, a trend. It'll need alot of work, attention, and advocacy, and maybe even legislation, to move things along to where personality disorders, ALL of them, in addition to BPD, are covered.
Really, a year of therapy IS less expensive than being admitted to a hospital for a certain length of time. And various ER visits, depending on treatment given and costs thereof.
I just WISH that something other than the short term, upfront cost to the insurance company would be in the forefront of health insurance companies' minds . . . . What about the cost to society? What about the cost to employers? If there was more mental health coverage, there'd be less absenteeism at work due to mental illness, and less behaviors that interfere with work and productive behavior and efficiency at work, and so the employer would save money, thus being able to better afford more insurance coverage for their employees, thus putting more money into the insurance company. There are all SORTS of factors that play out over the medium- to long-term, that, if considered, and potentially implemented, would eventually reap many benefits.
All of this is probably obvious to most people, but again it can be summed up in those three words: Insurance companies, GRRRRRR!
(This message has been partially sponsored by Tony the Tiger, who was channeled by Sara's inner child.)
I want to do a post on some of the other factors that are broken or impaired in our mental and physical health care system, aside from the insurance (it can't be completely aside from it, as it is all interconnected . . . .)
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
My Ologist is a Stupidhead!
Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan, so comforting!
I told him, "You suck and you're a stupidhead."
Although I prefaced that by warning him that I'd had a rather juvenile insult run through my mind, maybe from my inner child. Lol!!!
I don't recall having EVER used the word "stupidhead" before.
I suppose that's probabaly mild compared to some of what probably some patients dish out, though.
I am glad I finally pushed through my internal "nice police" and insulted him, because I was angry, and finally "took a slap at him" as he put it. I apologized for being rude, later in the appointment, but he doesn't see it as rude. I'm s'posed to have all sorts of feelings come up, including transferring a bunch onto him (that's what I told him about how I was able to push through my "niceness police" and just be just a tiny bit mean), and stuff.
If I can't just let all these social conventions about niceness and appropriate behavior hang, so's I can SHOW and DO and CONVEY how I feel, even primitive stuff, even not-so-primitive but adultfully complex tangles of emotion and stuff, then i won't ever get the full benefit of therapy.
Now, some social conventions should NOT be done with, even in therapy. Like, say, the social convention against taking all your clothes off and running wild (not that I've had the desire to do so; ok, so the 105 degree heat mid-summer might make one vaguely wonder . . . . hee!
But when it comes to what one SAYS, what one CONVEYS, and what one FEELS, one should just let it all hang out. MUCH easier said than done; the last year has been a slow process of learning to let my defenses down just a little bit more, and a little bit more. A couple months ago I thought I had made some breakthroughs and gotten to a very open level, but then again he went on vacation for a few weeks, and I also was pissed at him, so maybe that healed some of the breaches in my defenses; I dunno.
Psychologically speaking, I suppose the fact that I was so unspecifically pissed at him around that time may very well have something to do with him going on vacation; I cringe to even think that, though, as I hate being that obvious, pathetic, and needy. But hell, it happens to the best of us. And, actually, that may happen to the "best" of patients, no matter how hard they try to NOT be peeved that their therapist is going on vacation/leaving/etc. When one has deep-seated issues of abandonment and rejection, I suppose it would be MORE remarkable had I NOT had any feelings about the matter at all.
Anyway, so he sucks and is a stupidhead. For what that's worth! I'm sure he's probably been called much worse. I suspect; who knows!
I told him, "You suck and you're a stupidhead."
Although I prefaced that by warning him that I'd had a rather juvenile insult run through my mind, maybe from my inner child. Lol!!!
I don't recall having EVER used the word "stupidhead" before.
I suppose that's probabaly mild compared to some of what probably some patients dish out, though.
I am glad I finally pushed through my internal "nice police" and insulted him, because I was angry, and finally "took a slap at him" as he put it. I apologized for being rude, later in the appointment, but he doesn't see it as rude. I'm s'posed to have all sorts of feelings come up, including transferring a bunch onto him (that's what I told him about how I was able to push through my "niceness police" and just be just a tiny bit mean), and stuff.
If I can't just let all these social conventions about niceness and appropriate behavior hang, so's I can SHOW and DO and CONVEY how I feel, even primitive stuff, even not-so-primitive but adultfully complex tangles of emotion and stuff, then i won't ever get the full benefit of therapy.
Now, some social conventions should NOT be done with, even in therapy. Like, say, the social convention against taking all your clothes off and running wild (not that I've had the desire to do so; ok, so the 105 degree heat mid-summer might make one vaguely wonder . . . . hee!
But when it comes to what one SAYS, what one CONVEYS, and what one FEELS, one should just let it all hang out. MUCH easier said than done; the last year has been a slow process of learning to let my defenses down just a little bit more, and a little bit more. A couple months ago I thought I had made some breakthroughs and gotten to a very open level, but then again he went on vacation for a few weeks, and I also was pissed at him, so maybe that healed some of the breaches in my defenses; I dunno.
Psychologically speaking, I suppose the fact that I was so unspecifically pissed at him around that time may very well have something to do with him going on vacation; I cringe to even think that, though, as I hate being that obvious, pathetic, and needy. But hell, it happens to the best of us. And, actually, that may happen to the "best" of patients, no matter how hard they try to NOT be peeved that their therapist is going on vacation/leaving/etc. When one has deep-seated issues of abandonment and rejection, I suppose it would be MORE remarkable had I NOT had any feelings about the matter at all.
Anyway, so he sucks and is a stupidhead. For what that's worth! I'm sure he's probably been called much worse. I suspect; who knows!
Things I Can Do to Help My Daughter in her High-Functioning Autism
Actor Crush of the Day:
Click the title to go to a game, that is supposed to be fun and help teach emotional skills.
I am beginning to wonder what extra things, or even BASIC things, I could and/or should be doing to help my daughter while she is still fairly young, so that she will have better success as she grows, at learning things that other non-autistic don't generally need much help with, and ways of coping, workarounds, and other things high-functioning autistic children need/benefit from, so that they have a better base to work from as a teenager and onward.
I do know the phrase about Autism, "Time is Brain" . . . . the younger they are, the more malleable and teachable the brain is.
But over a year ago, when we got the dx of high-functioning autism, we were also told by the psychologist intern who evaluated her (and graduated w/her Ph.D a week or two later), that since she did NOT have a co-existing diagnosis of anxiety disorder, she would not qualify for benefits from most to all insurance companies.
What the @#$% is up with that? Autistic children need periodic therapy of some kind, don't they? I should KNOW this, but I don't! And so we haven't done anything for besides how we already naturally work with her special needs that we noticed before the dx . . . . I suspect there is much that could and/or should be done, but I have NO bloody idea what, where, etc.
She's currently on CHIP health insurance, and, in a month, will be on health insurance from hubby's work. I guess I need to check out what they cover, if ANYTHING. I am also going to be looking into other resources, though, like the game listed above.
It says there's an add-on for children age 7 and over, that you add on to the game, but I think and feel that my daughter would need to start with the base game, and see how much she doesn't "get" yet of the social and emotional skills the game teaches at that level, first. It IS supposed to be fun, which is IMPORTANT, as A, I have little focus ability for things that are forced, contrived, boring, etc. And kids probably pick up on that too . . . .
Anyway, if anyone knows of anything that could help, whether they know about this item in particular, or anything or anywhere besides links I have on the sidebar, I'd appreciate it.
One frustrated and self-deprecating/self-flagellating parent, over the issue of feeling like I'm somehow failing her by not knowing . . . .
Edit: I found a link to these from ASA's info on Sensory Integration - Sensory Integration Books
Click the title to go to a game, that is supposed to be fun and help teach emotional skills.
I am beginning to wonder what extra things, or even BASIC things, I could and/or should be doing to help my daughter while she is still fairly young, so that she will have better success as she grows, at learning things that other non-autistic don't generally need much help with, and ways of coping, workarounds, and other things high-functioning autistic children need/benefit from, so that they have a better base to work from as a teenager and onward.
I do know the phrase about Autism, "Time is Brain" . . . . the younger they are, the more malleable and teachable the brain is.
But over a year ago, when we got the dx of high-functioning autism, we were also told by the psychologist intern who evaluated her (and graduated w/her Ph.D a week or two later), that since she did NOT have a co-existing diagnosis of anxiety disorder, she would not qualify for benefits from most to all insurance companies.
What the @#$% is up with that? Autistic children need periodic therapy of some kind, don't they? I should KNOW this, but I don't! And so we haven't done anything for besides how we already naturally work with her special needs that we noticed before the dx . . . . I suspect there is much that could and/or should be done, but I have NO bloody idea what, where, etc.
She's currently on CHIP health insurance, and, in a month, will be on health insurance from hubby's work. I guess I need to check out what they cover, if ANYTHING. I am also going to be looking into other resources, though, like the game listed above.
It says there's an add-on for children age 7 and over, that you add on to the game, but I think and feel that my daughter would need to start with the base game, and see how much she doesn't "get" yet of the social and emotional skills the game teaches at that level, first. It IS supposed to be fun, which is IMPORTANT, as A, I have little focus ability for things that are forced, contrived, boring, etc. And kids probably pick up on that too . . . .
Anyway, if anyone knows of anything that could help, whether they know about this item in particular, or anything or anywhere besides links I have on the sidebar, I'd appreciate it.
One frustrated and self-deprecating/self-flagellating parent, over the issue of feeling like I'm somehow failing her by not knowing . . . .
Edit: I found a link to these from ASA's info on Sensory Integration - Sensory Integration Books
Monday, May 29, 2006
Must Be a Manic Monday!
Actor Crush of the Day: Hugh Laurie. Those EYES! And everything else, too . . . .
Okay hubbie, you know I love you. But a girl can admire eye candy, right?
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . . . . . oh yeah, be warned, I'm kinda manic @#$%#$ it. Time to pull out the 'ole cartoon swearing trick. Cause I'm @#$#$%#%ing happy, so there, and @#$@#$ on you, and you, and you if you don't like it!!! Hee hee. You know I'm being silly and teasing, rather than confrontational . . .
For another example of how these @#$@#$ #$%#$%ing and $%#$%ity $%eep mental illnesses $%#$ with my mind, see the post below. Read everything up until the pause for station identification part; that was written a week ago, when I was able to focus and write something that approaches somewhat of how well I used to be able to write.
Back now? Now read what's below it, if you can stay awake that long. Very rambly, although I must admit there was alot to talk about, but I hadn't intended on putting my thought process as to how I worked out what to do about the situation, into that post. But, of course, when I'm manic I write kinda stream-of-consciousness style. Some manic moods moreso that style than others, and it depends on the degree of my elevation.
Of course, lack of focus/poor attention & concentration is not just limited to my mania or mixed or depressed states, but those (which I am in one of the three most of the time) seriously and often severely affect/disable any concentration capability I have. For the most part. There's this hyperfocusing thing I do, on things like my beading. Too bad that never seems to work for things like household chores; only for things I like, and only for a very few to only one at any given period in my life.
For example, I love scrapbooking, but have not done any in forever. Lack of attention/motivation/interest, even though I LIKE it. I don't know how one can both be unable to focus much at all (last fall, as I started onto gapapentin/Neurontin, this became so bad I could only read two pages of a one small paragraph per page book, a day, to my daughter. I literally COULD NOT FOCUS longer than that) and yet have this hyperfocus thing, where you can go HOURS and lose track of the time, and even become kind of desensitized to the world around you while you do whatever the thing is; you become unplugged from the world to a degree, and very less aware of other things around you.
I have read that this hyperfocusing thing, is actually one form of ADD; the hyperfocus version. Which my ologist and I will explore whether or not I have that, once we get me more stable. Although, with his reluctance to provide a diagnosis of any sort (he dislikes labels, but from my point of view, that's the one tangible a mental health professional provides for being paid on my behalf, besides, I am @#$@#%@#% sick of being in the dark as to what's going on with me, and especially WHY!!!!). I had to drag the bipolar dx out of him, not that that means I don't have it.
As it turns out, it was a good thing I did, or . . . . well, let's just say it's not just ME who needs a dx to learn to be more accepting of myself. I know I probably/possibly SHOULDN'T need a dx for that, but #$%#^$#^abbit, one wants to know WHY one is such a @#$#%^$ing screwup after so many years of trying EVERYTHING to be and do better as @#$%#$%ing hard as one @$#%#$%#$ can.
Well, I digressed. Which is par for the course, in this state of being. Mania is more a whole state of being, than just a state of mind. Course, I feel like my mind is possibly a few states over from me, at the mo. Call me if you see it, and send it home, willya?
Okay. So a briefer, and hopefully funnier, example of the way my brain works (or doesn't work) in one aspect during this type of upswing is found here, on my bead blog. Read the Cinderella paragraph . . . . . see how my writing is sort of free association style? That is frequently how my brain works, even when non-manic, although to a lesser degree then (if frequently can be said to be a lesser degree, but it's almost constant when manic). Of course, it didn't help that it was after midnight, either, which seems to boost my silliness exponentially even in the best of times. Best as in less manic; some might see euphoria as "best", but if you know much about bipolar at all, you would be disabused of that notion.
I apologize again for being verbose; I hope you understand that I can't really help myself, at the moment.
Now I've got some song with the refrain of, "I can't help myself . . ." going on over and over in my head, although I can't place it. And from there my brain jumps to something about the phrase "place it", or something about the word "place", such as some joke about Brigham Young's famously uttered phrase upon entering the Salt Lake Valley in 1848, "This is the place!"
And from there, on, and on, and on, ad infinitum. And then something stupid about ads, and . . . well, you get the point. Now that I've kinda explained this, you'll probably notice this from time to time in my writing, or perhaps you already had.
So, that's me in a nutshell, today (one aspect of me anyhoo). Well, out of one because I'd hardly fit in a @#$$#$%ing nutshell, now would I? A nuthouse, now, that's another story . . .
Okay hubbie, you know I love you. But a girl can admire eye candy, right?
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . . . . . oh yeah, be warned, I'm kinda manic @#$%#$ it. Time to pull out the 'ole cartoon swearing trick. Cause I'm @#$#$%#%ing happy, so there, and @#$@#$ on you, and you, and you if you don't like it!!! Hee hee. You know I'm being silly and teasing, rather than confrontational . . .
For another example of how these @#$@#$ #$%#$%ing and $%#$%ity $%eep mental illnesses $%#$ with my mind, see the post below. Read everything up until the pause for station identification part; that was written a week ago, when I was able to focus and write something that approaches somewhat of how well I used to be able to write.
Back now? Now read what's below it, if you can stay awake that long. Very rambly, although I must admit there was alot to talk about, but I hadn't intended on putting my thought process as to how I worked out what to do about the situation, into that post. But, of course, when I'm manic I write kinda stream-of-consciousness style. Some manic moods moreso that style than others, and it depends on the degree of my elevation.
Of course, lack of focus/poor attention & concentration is not just limited to my mania or mixed or depressed states, but those (which I am in one of the three most of the time) seriously and often severely affect/disable any concentration capability I have. For the most part. There's this hyperfocusing thing I do, on things like my beading. Too bad that never seems to work for things like household chores; only for things I like, and only for a very few to only one at any given period in my life.
For example, I love scrapbooking, but have not done any in forever. Lack of attention/motivation/interest, even though I LIKE it. I don't know how one can both be unable to focus much at all (last fall, as I started onto gapapentin/Neurontin, this became so bad I could only read two pages of a one small paragraph per page book, a day, to my daughter. I literally COULD NOT FOCUS longer than that) and yet have this hyperfocus thing, where you can go HOURS and lose track of the time, and even become kind of desensitized to the world around you while you do whatever the thing is; you become unplugged from the world to a degree, and very less aware of other things around you.
I have read that this hyperfocusing thing, is actually one form of ADD; the hyperfocus version. Which my ologist and I will explore whether or not I have that, once we get me more stable. Although, with his reluctance to provide a diagnosis of any sort (he dislikes labels, but from my point of view, that's the one tangible a mental health professional provides for being paid on my behalf, besides, I am @#$@#%@#% sick of being in the dark as to what's going on with me, and especially WHY!!!!). I had to drag the bipolar dx out of him, not that that means I don't have it.
As it turns out, it was a good thing I did, or . . . . well, let's just say it's not just ME who needs a dx to learn to be more accepting of myself. I know I probably/possibly SHOULDN'T need a dx for that, but #$%#^$#^abbit, one wants to know WHY one is such a @#$#%^$ing screwup after so many years of trying EVERYTHING to be and do better as @#$%#$%ing hard as one @$#%#$%#$ can.
Well, I digressed. Which is par for the course, in this state of being. Mania is more a whole state of being, than just a state of mind. Course, I feel like my mind is possibly a few states over from me, at the mo. Call me if you see it, and send it home, willya?
Okay. So a briefer, and hopefully funnier, example of the way my brain works (or doesn't work) in one aspect during this type of upswing is found here, on my bead blog. Read the Cinderella paragraph . . . . . see how my writing is sort of free association style? That is frequently how my brain works, even when non-manic, although to a lesser degree then (if frequently can be said to be a lesser degree, but it's almost constant when manic). Of course, it didn't help that it was after midnight, either, which seems to boost my silliness exponentially even in the best of times. Best as in less manic; some might see euphoria as "best", but if you know much about bipolar at all, you would be disabused of that notion.
I apologize again for being verbose; I hope you understand that I can't really help myself, at the moment.
Now I've got some song with the refrain of, "I can't help myself . . ." going on over and over in my head, although I can't place it. And from there my brain jumps to something about the phrase "place it", or something about the word "place", such as some joke about Brigham Young's famously uttered phrase upon entering the Salt Lake Valley in 1848, "This is the place!"
And from there, on, and on, and on, ad infinitum. And then something stupid about ads, and . . . well, you get the point. Now that I've kinda explained this, you'll probably notice this from time to time in my writing, or perhaps you already had.
So, that's me in a nutshell, today (one aspect of me anyhoo). Well, out of one because I'd hardly fit in a @#$$#$%ing nutshell, now would I? A nuthouse, now, that's another story . . .
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Joy of Helicopter Seeds & the Chagrin of Birds & the Bees
I always welcome the arrival of helicopter seeds in late springtime. I remember my endless fascination with them as a child, and the wonder I felt and imagination I engaged in while viewing their spiraling flights.
I have been passing this delight down to my daughter, whom I KNEW would take supreme happiness in the discovery, explanation, and exploration of these springtime seeds.
One day about two weeks ago, I picked several up and let fly. I told her they were called helicopter seeds, because they spin about in a manner similar to the workings of a helicopter's blades, and that they glide towards the ground in their characteristic whirl in a way that seeds and the like generally do not.
I enjoyed her childish glee and wonder of discovery as she began to explore these natural wonders on her own!
(Pause for station identification; I will continue the story soon!)
Continued: Sorry it took me so long, I have many problems with consistency.
Later that day, I heard her playing outside with a friend she's made (finally!). I heard her telling Tamara to gather up some helicopter seeds and drop them, and Tamara asked, "Why do you call them helicopter seeds?" My daughter proceeded to matter-of-factly and authoritatively explain that they are called helicopter seeds because they spiral down to the ground, like helicopter blades. I listened for Tamara's reaction, and it was good! They proceeded to have alot of fun with these seeds, until Scott put up the Playhut 5x5x5 foot playhouse for them.
Tamara's mother was outside with them, keeping an eye out as she chatted on her cell phone. I can only wonder with chagrin what she must think after what happened next.
Shortly after engaging in play inside the playhouse, I heard Emily exclaim that she was going into labor; that it was time for the baby to come out. Can you imagine the look on my face??? I was like oh . . .. no . . . . .
You see, it's all my SIL Becky's fault, for having two recent babies these last couple years. Especially her youngest, Robin. Emily had all SORTS of questions about pregnancy and how babies are made, and come out, and such, because of Beck's pregnancy with Robin. She had been quite interested in the earlier pregnancy as well, but wasn't quite able to ask such pointed and detailed questions, as well as vaguer questions, but with a sense that I had of her that I had better answer with ENOUGH information to satisfy the questions (although, of course, there were lines of information I would not yet cross . . .) Emily had also, during Beck's recent pregnancy, one day exclaimed, after reading for the umpteenth time a book by Gail Gibbons on panda bears that she has, that Aunt Bea and Uncle Kitt had mated and that's how babies were made.
The look of astonishment on my face on that day must have been priceless, as well as the fact that I had to pick my jaw up off of the floor after a few moments of speechlessness . . . . You see, there is one sentence in the panda book, that says something like, and I paraphrase, "The female panda and the male panda mate to have babies."
My smart little girl had related THAT, to Beck's pregnancy. Talk about deductive reasoning (or is that inductive? I probably ought to look that up . . . .). Emily was six years old at the time . . . VERY very smart for her age, so I gave her answers that one might think would be more for an 8-9 year old. (And now, I'm just starting to move to the next level of slightly more specific with things, as, of course, she just keeps getting brighter; better from me than from kids at school.)
Anyway, THANKS Beck! Hee hee hee. Just wait til you have to 'splain it to your daughter. Fun times . . . .
Okay. So, my daughter was making yelling sounds, right after announcing it was time for the baby, and in about 5 seconds, the baby was "here" and she was taking care of it. Boy, if only it were that easy . . . I'd sure like an easy, or even regular, time, next time, please!!! I am not sure what Tamara thought of this, but I think she joined in. Emily came in and got two baby dolls and brought them out to the Playhut, and they proceeded to have babies again.
Oh . . . my . . . . gosh!!! I was SO chagrined!!! I listened VERY carefully to their play; there would be aspects of this that I would nip in the bud in a second. I carefully considered whether or not I should nip the little that was going on, in the bud, but I considered the following things:
- Little girls love playing mother, playing house, and learning about their roles as women in life. In fact, that's part of what growing up is about. For all that practically ALL mothers would be fine with their daughter playing mother to a doll, I suspect that most of them may not have let their daughter play on as I did. Now that I've had reason to think about it, that doesn't make alot of sense to me. If Emily is sophisticated (intellectually, in a way that is not necessarily socially or emotionally sophisticated, especially considering her high-functioning autism) enough to ask the questions she does, and figure out as much as she does on her own, then I feel it is ok for her to play in this generalized way about the issue.
- She is, after all, most likely going to go through pregnancy and delivery first-hand at some point in her life (I hope; she is VERY high-functioning autistic, so much so that there may just be some sensory and social differences with which she can learn to work with and around by the time she's a teenager. Then again, I do have cause to worry about this, even though it seems as though, I'm hoping, she may end up just fine . . . .), and I don't want to freak her out about it or make her think or feel that it is a negative thing. It is a positive thing, and a part of her biology, and possibly a future part of her life.
- That said, if she started acting out sex, or got too detailed, graphic, or did other play-acting that seemed too outrageous, too much, I would, of course, nip THAT in the bud and have a talk with her about how some things are not for public play.
- Some might say that about the little "labor and delivery" she did, but really, I am GLAD she is wondering about herself, in relation to this, and is working that out through play (in a very short, generalized, non-detailed way.) Some might still be having conniption fits over this, but I feel that too often, little girls are taught (often, through instances like this where someone "comes down on them" for something like this, and often unkindly/harshly) that their bodies, biological functions, life cycle issues, gender role issues (as dictated by biology and our religious beliefs; I will not let society, as little as I can do about it, I'll do as much as I can, I will not let society be her textbook for who she should be, as a girl, teenager, and woman. And, I can do much about it, although I can't isolate all that I'd wish to that I feel is negative in regards to women, that is taught by society), and other things. I will endeavor to non-judgementally have frank and open discussions with her about these issues, in non-shaming and accepting ways of any questions she might have, acceptance of the biology involved (that may sound obvious, but I still feel that, as women, we are in some ways still subliminally taught, by society, to be ashamed of many of our female bodily functions, organs, and such.), and ACCEPTING and NON-JUDGEMENTAL of her interest in and curiosity about such matters. She is a girl, and will grow to a woman.
- I can't believe it, but she's almost 8; puberty generally happens between 8-14, although 8 IS early. Still, I've gotta start thinking about it (I can't believe it!!!! My baby's growing up!)
I did have my own internal "conniption fit", as I tried to sort through the tangle of complicated and intense emotions I have, as a mother, about these issues and the very murky waters that can surround them. The very individual course that must be charted by each set of parents for their child(ren) in these matters. I think I'm comfortable with what I've related above, although I don't know Tamara's mother's feelings on the matter. I'm not sure if she heard at all, as she was on the cell phone.
I was VERY chagrined at the thought of, "Oh, what if Tamara starts playing this at home tonight, and they ask her where she learned that . . . . !" If they have a problem with it, I can discuss with Emily that this friend's mother would rather they didn't play that, but that Emily didn't do anything wrong; she just needs to do it alone, or with other friends. And hope that Emily doesn't get hurt by this.
Part of me was giggling a bit inside, though. I mean, my little girl comes up with the funniest things, sometimes. Sometimes outrageously funny, or funnily outrageous . . . . she just figures out so many things, that I couldn't stop her figuring them out if I tried!!!
Saturday, May 20, 2006
The Widow's Mite & Punchbuggy Sara
Actor Crush of the Day: Ewan McGregor (I just love his accent, among other things . . . .)
I have more on a variety of aspects of issues that I've been thinking about regarding unconditional positive regard, but I haven't pulled them together yet.
I've also had alot of other things occur to me this week, and last night one of them was a different take on the biblical story of The Widow's Mite. You know, where more well-to-do people place many coins in the box, but this widow, who has so little it's practically nothing, puts in the only coin she has.
Last night, I was thinking about things as I was praying my bedtime prayer, as well as afterwards. I thought, "Lord, I am so sorry that my life is such a poor dedication to you; such a poor gift I have to give, is this struggle of a life with little to show in the way of external results/accomplishments, for it." I thought about this for awhile, and about another analogy that has been at least somewhat helpful for me to learn to accept myself a little bit and not be as judgemental about my failings/failure to be and do much.
Picture everyone as a car (I'm a cute punchbuggy . . . .!) In this analogy, all cars use the same amount of gas per mile. Now, my car has a really twitchy/funky steering performance; I spend most of my time weaving back and forth, sometimes completely perpendicular to or even angled slightly backwards to, the path of progression. Everyone else (yes, I know everyone has struggles, but this is a rough analogy of mental illness vs. non) gets to toodle along on their somewhat merry way, proceeding at least somewhat efficiently and markedly farther, along the road laid out in front of us. After everyone's gas runs out at about the same time, it's quite clear to see that I got nowhere near as far as anyone else. You see, all that struggling with the twitchy and mind-of-it's own steering, as it swung me back and forth and I struggled to mitigate the effects of such, caused me to travel the same physical miles as the others, but much of that mileage was criss-crossing the path of progression, and even going against the flow. I like this analogy because, while I know it can be perilous to compare how much one does/can do compared to others, I think this analogy can help others to understand, a very little perhaps, of one way in which mental illness can affect people. And can help them, perhaps, be a bit less judgemental of them, or even others who are not mentally ill, but just have different struggles in life than they do. I'm all for promoting less judgementalism (is that a word? hee) in life.
Back to the widow's mite. As I pondered these analogies, the widow's mite story popped into my head, and it felt so natural to think, hey, my life is not a poor gift to the Lord after all; I am giving what I have, what I am; this is not valueless, and, in fact, is probably of great worth to Him. I say probably, because I am not all conceited and thinking I'm All That. Lol!
I felt, though, that being ME, as I often feel is such a poor excuse for anything, was perhaps not such a bad thing/person to be, and was, perhaps, in some way I cannot fathom or approach or accept (as yet, and most of me feels, NEVER! could I accept myself), something . . . well, maybe not worthy, but something . . . . tangible? concrete? something . . . . useful? something . . . VALID.
I also thought, hey, this biblical allegory is often used in lessons, talks, etc. to teach the principal of tithing, service, and other things. It really struck me, though, that it had so much meaning to learning to accept what one has to give from one's self, what one has to offer, what one has or does not have in the way of ability, capability, efficacy, and the ability or lack there of to be and do in the ways and means that the world generally measures one's worth and place in life.
I don't mean to preach or anything, but I did feel that this experience last night helps illuminate a bit more of my struggles with what I go through.
I have more on a variety of aspects of issues that I've been thinking about regarding unconditional positive regard, but I haven't pulled them together yet.
I've also had alot of other things occur to me this week, and last night one of them was a different take on the biblical story of The Widow's Mite. You know, where more well-to-do people place many coins in the box, but this widow, who has so little it's practically nothing, puts in the only coin she has.
Last night, I was thinking about things as I was praying my bedtime prayer, as well as afterwards. I thought, "Lord, I am so sorry that my life is such a poor dedication to you; such a poor gift I have to give, is this struggle of a life with little to show in the way of external results/accomplishments, for it." I thought about this for awhile, and about another analogy that has been at least somewhat helpful for me to learn to accept myself a little bit and not be as judgemental about my failings/failure to be and do much.
Picture everyone as a car (I'm a cute punchbuggy . . . .!) In this analogy, all cars use the same amount of gas per mile. Now, my car has a really twitchy/funky steering performance; I spend most of my time weaving back and forth, sometimes completely perpendicular to or even angled slightly backwards to, the path of progression. Everyone else (yes, I know everyone has struggles, but this is a rough analogy of mental illness vs. non) gets to toodle along on their somewhat merry way, proceeding at least somewhat efficiently and markedly farther, along the road laid out in front of us. After everyone's gas runs out at about the same time, it's quite clear to see that I got nowhere near as far as anyone else. You see, all that struggling with the twitchy and mind-of-it's own steering, as it swung me back and forth and I struggled to mitigate the effects of such, caused me to travel the same physical miles as the others, but much of that mileage was criss-crossing the path of progression, and even going against the flow. I like this analogy because, while I know it can be perilous to compare how much one does/can do compared to others, I think this analogy can help others to understand, a very little perhaps, of one way in which mental illness can affect people. And can help them, perhaps, be a bit less judgemental of them, or even others who are not mentally ill, but just have different struggles in life than they do. I'm all for promoting less judgementalism (is that a word? hee) in life.
Back to the widow's mite. As I pondered these analogies, the widow's mite story popped into my head, and it felt so natural to think, hey, my life is not a poor gift to the Lord after all; I am giving what I have, what I am; this is not valueless, and, in fact, is probably of great worth to Him. I say probably, because I am not all conceited and thinking I'm All That. Lol!
I felt, though, that being ME, as I often feel is such a poor excuse for anything, was perhaps not such a bad thing/person to be, and was, perhaps, in some way I cannot fathom or approach or accept (as yet, and most of me feels, NEVER! could I accept myself), something . . . well, maybe not worthy, but something . . . . tangible? concrete? something . . . . useful? something . . . VALID.
I also thought, hey, this biblical allegory is often used in lessons, talks, etc. to teach the principal of tithing, service, and other things. It really struck me, though, that it had so much meaning to learning to accept what one has to give from one's self, what one has to offer, what one has or does not have in the way of ability, capability, efficacy, and the ability or lack there of to be and do in the ways and means that the world generally measures one's worth and place in life.
I don't mean to preach or anything, but I did feel that this experience last night helps illuminate a bit more of my struggles with what I go through.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Yippee! My Blogs are back in the Dashboard!
Actor Crush of the Day: Matthew Fox! I'd get Lost with him ANYTIME!
On another note, I recently came across the subject of unconditional positive regard, on the blog Shrink Rap, in these comments. When I read that phrase, I immediately knew it was a major part of what my psychologist does with me, and I started freaking out that what I saw as a really kind and supportive and unconditionally accepting part of our therapeutic relationship, may actually have been something fake, contrived, just a "trick" from the psychology bag o' tricks.
We had a good discussion about it, about which I'll post a bit more later after I've listed to the recording of today's therapy on my mp3 player (I love recording our sessions on this thingie!)
It is GOOD to be back. Although my husband might say, it is better to be FRONT. Hee hee.
On another note, I recently came across the subject of unconditional positive regard, on the blog Shrink Rap, in these comments. When I read that phrase, I immediately knew it was a major part of what my psychologist does with me, and I started freaking out that what I saw as a really kind and supportive and unconditionally accepting part of our therapeutic relationship, may actually have been something fake, contrived, just a "trick" from the psychology bag o' tricks.
We had a good discussion about it, about which I'll post a bit more later after I've listed to the recording of today's therapy on my mp3 player (I love recording our sessions on this thingie!)
It is GOOD to be back. Although my husband might say, it is better to be FRONT. Hee hee.
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