Must Be a Manic Monday!

Actor Crush of the Day: Hugh Laurie. Those EYES! And everything else, too . . . .

Okay hubbie, you know I love you. But a girl can admire eye candy, right?

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo . . . . . . oh yeah, be warned, I'm kinda manic @#$%#$ it. Time to pull out the 'ole cartoon swearing trick. Cause I'm @#$#$%#%ing happy, so there, and @#$@#$ on you, and you, and you if you don't like it!!! Hee hee. You know I'm being silly and teasing, rather than confrontational . . .

For another example of how these @#$@#$ #$%#$%ing and $%#$%ity $%eep mental illnesses $%#$ with my mind, see the post below. Read everything up until the pause for station identification part; that was written a week ago, when I was able to focus and write something that approaches somewhat of how well I used to be able to write.

Back now? Now read what's below it, if you can stay awake that long. Very rambly, although I must admit there was alot to talk about, but I hadn't intended on putting my thought process as to how I worked out what to do about the situation, into that post. But, of course, when I'm manic I write kinda stream-of-consciousness style. Some manic moods moreso that style than others, and it depends on the degree of my elevation.

Of course, lack of focus/poor attention & concentration is not just limited to my mania or mixed or depressed states, but those (which I am in one of the three most of the time) seriously and often severely affect/disable any concentration capability I have. For the most part. There's this hyperfocusing thing I do, on things like my beading. Too bad that never seems to work for things like household chores; only for things I like, and only for a very few to only one at any given period in my life.

For example, I love scrapbooking, but have not done any in forever. Lack of attention/motivation/interest, even though I LIKE it. I don't know how one can both be unable to focus much at all (last fall, as I started onto gapapentin/Neurontin, this became so bad I could only read two pages of a one small paragraph per page book, a day, to my daughter. I literally COULD NOT FOCUS longer than that) and yet have this hyperfocus thing, where you can go HOURS and lose track of the time, and even become kind of desensitized to the world around you while you do whatever the thing is; you become unplugged from the world to a degree, and very less aware of other things around you.

I have read that this hyperfocusing thing, is actually one form of ADD; the hyperfocus version. Which my ologist and I will explore whether or not I have that, once we get me more stable. Although, with his reluctance to provide a diagnosis of any sort (he dislikes labels, but from my point of view, that's the one tangible a mental health professional provides for being paid on my behalf, besides, I am @#$@#%@#% sick of being in the dark as to what's going on with me, and especially WHY!!!!). I had to drag the bipolar dx out of him, not that that means I don't have it.

As it turns out, it was a good thing I did, or . . . . well, let's just say it's not just ME who needs a dx to learn to be more accepting of myself. I know I probably/possibly SHOULDN'T need a dx for that, but #$%#^$#^abbit, one wants to know WHY one is such a @#$#%^$ing screwup after so many years of trying EVERYTHING to be and do better as @#$%#$%ing hard as one @$#%#$%#$ can.

Well, I digressed. Which is par for the course, in this state of being. Mania is more a whole state of being, than just a state of mind. Course, I feel like my mind is possibly a few states over from me, at the mo. Call me if you see it, and send it home, willya?

Okay. So a briefer, and hopefully funnier, example of the way my brain works (or doesn't work) in one aspect during this type of upswing is found here, on my bead blog. Read the Cinderella paragraph . . . . . see how my writing is sort of free association style? That is frequently how my brain works, even when non-manic, although to a lesser degree then (if frequently can be said to be a lesser degree, but it's almost constant when manic). Of course, it didn't help that it was after midnight, either, which seems to boost my silliness exponentially even in the best of times. Best as in less manic; some might see euphoria as "best", but if you know much about bipolar at all, you would be disabused of that notion.

I apologize again for being verbose; I hope you understand that I can't really help myself, at the moment.

Now I've got some song with the refrain of, "I can't help myself . . ." going on over and over in my head, although I can't place it. And from there my brain jumps to something about the phrase "place it", or something about the word "place", such as some joke about Brigham Young's famously uttered phrase upon entering the Salt Lake Valley in 1848, "This is the place!"

And from there, on, and on, and on, ad infinitum. And then something stupid about ads, and . . . well, you get the point. Now that I've kinda explained this, you'll probably notice this from time to time in my writing, or perhaps you already had.

So, that's me in a nutshell, today (one aspect of me anyhoo). Well, out of one because I'd hardly fit in a @#$$#$%ing nutshell, now would I? A nuthouse, now, that's another story . . .