I just have a maze of fears I have to navigate in my mind, in order to try to function, and sometimes that comes out in the maze of words and maze of verbal construction that I term/put things in, in order to be able to say it at all.
I thought that a REALLY good explanation of what alot of my struggle is. It uses up ALOT of me, of my energy - even physical, not just mental - as this is very basic to how I interface with the world, kind of like how someone with autism has their own basic things that are on a fundamental level of interfacing with the world.
Different struggles, but in one angle of thinking about it, I thought, HEY, this goes to show to what depth and degree of interference and struggle I'm even starting from, when it comes to doing anything. I thought it a good, though brief, explanation and illustration of the problem, although perhaps it might not make sense to some, or perhaps many.
It's one of the layers of interference that takes effort to push through, to run through that maze in my mind, in my words, in and with my relationships, in and with my feelings and thoughts about those relationships, or about anything; also about, regarding, and involving my actions - actively taking alot of energy to sort, filter, run the maze, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. in thought, word, feeling, and deed.
The title of this post is a play on some of the lyrics in the song, "When You Say Nothing At All", which is kind of funny, because all this effort and energy is being expended even when, and sometimes ESPECIALLY when, I'm saying nothing at all . . . .
2 comments:
I have a friend on a couple of forums who said that it is very draining for her to email friends. It may be ironic that she is a writer and has completed a lot of work as of the last few months including winning a contest. Knowing some of what she went through in her life, I can imagine how it can be hard for her to reach out. I guess that I am lucky that it is easy for me to reach out to people. Sure I fear rejection too. But I am blessed that I keep reaching out. I have a lot of online friends. And I count connecting with people on their blogs such as I do here as a great way to let someone know that I am thinking of them. When I know someone has obstactles to form relationships, I am very understanding. In general, I am pretty easy going and understanding in my ongoing relationships. In all, I find that people are pretty nice too. I guess that one of the reasons it may be easier for me than some is that people were very nice to me at school although I was probably considered a real nerd by many standards. I was so vulnerable and they could have teased me. I carry that with me. I hope that you have good memories to carry with you too. I have my problems too as you know as I do worry about people deciding that they don't like me anymore. But that is not uncommon for people who experienced what I had in my home environment at one time. And I like myself in a lot of ways so that helps too. I am so introspective that I hope that something that I share can help people with what I have thought about. Well, I do appreciate your explanation and comparison to a maze. In my life, I have so many obstactles that people would not even think about in my daily life. Everyone has obstacltes but that is pretty much my existance. And yet, I feel strength much of the time. I know I am touching a lot of unrelated topics here. I will probably get all shy and worry about being a little to exposed. But I have gotten use to doing a lot of sharing online. --Barb
It takes a lot of strength to make it past the rough spots. when our cognitive dissonance roars in our ears.
when our hopes are up and our dreams are down.
when we wish to die rather than tolerate ambivalence.
-gT
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