Some Lawyers Really SUCK (Sorry Stephen!), and SS Disability Stuff

So, today I finally get around to doing something I've been procrastinating - calling my "good 'ole" disability lawyer's office.

Why, you may be thinking, would I need to call them?

Well, as I've been working on my taxes (this is the latest by far, for as long as I can remember, that we've done our taxes - we usually do them in late January or the first few days of February!

The awarding of SSI, including back pay covering the years 2003 through 2006 (since the regular monthly payments started at the beginning of last year) being paid in two different lump sum installments last year kind of complicates our taxes a bit. I had thought perhaps Social Security would send us some kind of a statement, like my parents get, but they didn't.

So, I thought to call the disability lawyer's office, figuring that if they didn't know how much of the back pay was for each of the "back" years, then they could at least direct me to the appropriate person or sub-department at the local level Social Security offices that they deal with all the time, that have the people who handle the cases like mine on an ongoing basis who could help me with this information.

Apparently, about a month after the Judge made his decision, there was a mailing that was very detailed (yep, aLOT of legalese, and I DID read through it, although I had to take breaks every half-page or so, despite it's being double-spaced, or my head would have exploded, lol!). I knew it was, and would be, VERY important for me to understand what was being said, and what it would mean for me, and what it MEANT.

I do not recall any list or break-down of how the back-pay sum(s) (there were two, one to be paid very early in 2007, the other, later in the year) were made up of the SSI they owed me and were now paying me, from '03, '04, '05, and '06. I did not see any amounts shown by year, like that - just the two back-pay amount installments that were to be paid at two different points in 2007, covering the SSI payments from 2003 through 2006.

Now, reporting these amounts broken out by year shouldn't affect my old taxes, because there's a threshold at which the SSI doesn't get taxed at all, and I'm pretty well certain that it's such a pitiful amount, especially with our very low income, that there's no way it'd be taxed. Then again, when you get into the years when we started getting the EIC . . . who knows. I DO know though, that STILL there is that THRESHOLD that must be gone over first before the social security starts getting taxed, at anywhere from 20% of the amount of it being able to be taxed, to up to 80% of it being able to be taxed.

Anyway, that's a side trip that's not really the point at the moment.

The point is, I called the disability lawyer's office. Over the course of time, especially in the last 6-8 months, I've come to the conclusion that I was not competent to make the decision that I was asked to make at the hearing, that I was under alot of pressure to make, and, (pardon the language here mom, but it fits) as a quote from a movie that fits particularly well here, for anyone who's seen "How to Lose a Man in 10 Days", I Call Bullshit when he says there was no pressure from him. Oh HELL yeah there was, it may have been couched in legalese and with disclaimers of we can go forward and make appeals and of course I am at your service and we don't have to give up your right to appeal and yada yada xyz, (of course, I do understand it's his job to lay things out, and lay things out like, as things stand, with what the judge is saying and has just said, and what the expert has said and has decided, and what they said just now, the only way you will get any money right now would be SSI only, and that only, would be if you give up your right to any appeal, etc. I do understand he had to lay that out, it's his job. There's other stuff about how he was, and crap, that I believe was pressuring. Besides, he's got incentive to be; he doesn't get paid unless we win some sort of monetary award.)

Anyway, I made an OFFHAND remark about how I didn't feel like I was competent to have made that decision and HOO BOY does he go into CYA mode, and BAM the . . .what's the word (major aphasia problems the last few days, as my in-laws and hubby can attest), the word for that ironwork gate that can slam down in the front archway of a castle after you've come over the drawbridge that can be raised and lowered? Ugh, see how long it took to type that, and I STILL can't come up with the word!!!!

Oh, man, does he get so aggress and just start ATTACKING me like I'm some hostile witness on the stand, on Law and Order or something . . . I felt like I was pinned under a fusillade of arrows (see, I can come up with a word like fusillade!!! woot!!!)

I'm still very emotional about it, and crying now . . . geez. He was all like, no one adjudicated you incompentent to make that decision, I didn't adjudicate you incompentent to blah blah whatever . . . . (and I was sitting here stunned, on the other end of the phone . . . . there'd never been any question as to my compentence about going to the hearing or anything . . . of course, I've always known I don't do well under pressure, but this decision, that he asked the judge permission for to take us aside, outside of the formal hearing room for . . . . it was one of those do or die moments, it was one of those . . . um, DAMN HIGH PRESSURE things . . . There was ALOT of pressure, I reiterated to this LAWYER.

Anyway, eventually I said, look. I'm sitting here in alot of pain (because I was, and I am, my knees are killing me, they've almost collapsed under me in non-painful moments recently), there's been several deaths in the family, I've had a new, far-reaching unpleasant diagnosis, I'm NOT mad at you, in fact I think of you fondly (I don't know if that last one is a lie; sometimes my me-ness retreats into the back of my head and I'm not there anymore and the rest of me operates on automatic because I can't cope, I just can't . . .ok, here I go again, tearing up . . . damnit . . .) I just had to get him to stop. I also pictured him working up some paperwork JIC (just in case I should ever decide to sue him for malpractice or something, you could tell he was thinkin it, he was certainly attacking me!!! geez.)

Anyway, I then gave him a compliment of some sort, I can't remember what it was, but all of a sudden he went from this . . . picture a hairy bear of a monster, teeth and claws and impossibly wide tall open devouring mouth like a cavern open to devour and then transformed into a pleasant human being, southern gentleman charm, slight accent and all, like a switch had been flipped; the geniality, the friendliness and cordiality, . . . . . this, too, was jarring and creepy in it's own way, as to how suddenly it was there, although it was soothing as well and I think I kinda unretreated from the back of my head a bit (not sure that's the best description, but then again since I wasn't all there (um, that could probably lead to some jokes, lol) I'm not exactly sure how to describe it anyway.

Part of me understands, that since lawyers are trained in legal stuff, they naturally think defensively, but STILL. I wouldn't sue a fly! Geez. I don't hate the guy, and I think in large part it's the system that has built some incentive into for the disability laywers to have some incentive to act, perhaps unconsciously or not-so unconsciouly depending on the integrity of the lawyer (this one seems to have more than others I've seen advertised, at any rate) in their own interests to some degree - they do NOT get paid unless they win a monetary award of some kind, which, I think, may lead to some compromises that may not always be in the best interests of the client.

Whether or not the compromise in this case was in my best interests . . . . I don't know. I am not sure further appeals would have done any good, although I do know that both the judge and the expert flat-out IGNORED evidence from my family doctor that was BEFORE the dates that ended eligibility for full social security disability . . . . .

Anyway, it's in the past.

Hakuna Matata? That can be a good or a bad phrase, depending on how it's used, when, how, and why, I suppose. In the movie, not so good.

At least my behind, is in my past. Reverse that (channelling my inner Willy Wonka, and the word-mess-ups in this paragraph were all a-purpose, cause I needed some humor!)

Well, I guess this post also had some broader commentary on the Social Security disability application, hearing, adjudication, SSI, payment, and back-pay processes, as well as some more personal discussion of some of my experiences, which I've been meaning to discuss, anyway.

It also occurred to me, as I was typing, that I know it's probably wise to never say never in regards to reserving one's rights to further appeal in legal matters (or perhaps in regards to suing perhaps for the fact that I don't believe I was competent to be forced into making such an on-the-spot decision in such a pressured situation, which is exactly one of the things that sets off some of the mental health problems and disabilities of which they had just been browsing through in all their folders, ugh!!!) that my posting about this stuff could perhaps come back to bite me in the, er, proverbial behind (which is the past, hee hee), should I ever decide to pursue further appeals on the disability front . . . . but the process was so horrific, I can't foresee that.

It still might be unwise of me to post this, and I still feel that I was pressured, but I'm posting anyway.

What I'd like to happen the most out of this is that my experience be of some kind of help to others, whether in just reading about my struggles or in seeing a glimpse of the process, perhaps. I believe that this is far more likely to happen than a suit on the issue of competence or on the right to appeal.

As I say in the sidebar under Noodleheads regarding my friend Stephen of the blog Ethesis, he really does brighten up that whole Lawyer thing. There is hope in the legal world yet! They are not all people who can turn on you one second, and pull a bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers out of their sleeves the next.

The oddness of the call DID remind me of the inhuman jokes regarding lawyers that I'm assuming most people have heard, though. I guess lawyers need to perform in court, and being able to act, being able to turn different aspects of ones' self on and off, would probably be a handy trait to have, but geez, it was unnerving to be on the receiving end of, and I'm still MORE than unsettled by it!

The lawyer is sending me a copy of the paperwork that they say I have, that they say has the breakdown of the back-pay lump sums into year-by-year amounts, but they are sending me the paper anyway.

Yahoo!!!! I did what I've been putting off, and now it is done!

I phoned the knee doc and made an appointment, which is something I've been putting off as well.

Sorry to go on so long. Whew. I'm a bit emotionally wasted, perhaps I'll seek some online gaming out for relaxation . . . . . I'm PROUD AS HELL (sorry moms again . . .) that I came through that lawyer's barrage, even though I apparently checked out, during part of it. Gah, here come the tears! Ok, enough. Talk to you later, and yeah Stephen, I know you guys and gals in your profession aren't all like that.

Would you mind writing a guest post for me sometime? I'd be honored if you would! Your level of writing is just . . . . well, it's quite something, my friend.

*Note: I am not a lawyer, doctor, mental health practitioner or expert in any of those or any field referenced above or anything. Just a person with some troubles, blogging away.

Inspired By Another Blog, Today - "Be Present, Be Here" Blog

Here is a brief partial quote from towards the end of the most recent post of this blog, to give you a taste of what inspired me, of what touched me, and of what runs completely to the heart of me and parts of what my experience in life are, at this time, at this place, at this being-ness, at this state . . . .

the push and pull of life can be exhausting and push me to places and thoughts and fears that i do not want to live inside let alone pass through. yet, i keep going. i begin to . . . . .

Please go HERE for the post & blog I am referring to. Again, the blog is entitled, Be Present, Be Here.

Perhaps Another Part of Luke's Training?

I could have been E.T!....
Originally uploaded by waihey

I betcha there were bits that didn't make the final cut of the movie . . . . . ha ha ha ha ha . . . .

Or maybe he was trying to train Luke to "B Good.".

Anyway, this brought me a smile today, and I thought I'd share the smile, since this Flickr photo is one that it's owner has allowed the "Blog this photo" option on.

Now I've got an urge to "phone home". Do you?

Square Meal, & a Not So "Square" Grandfather

Square food is tasty
Originally uploaded by shookiemookie

I live in a desert, a watermelon could sure qualify as a meal around here, sometimes!

They do have the regular round/oval variety in Japan, but they grow them square for a higher price/ease of shipping/ease of storage/convenience for the consumer, should they want to pay the price.

Sure looks funny, though! I want to know if they grow the yellow innards watermelon square, too? Tastes just like the red, but your eyes keep telling you that you should be tasting something different.

I just thought I should post something, since it's been a stretch.

There's been a couple deaths in the family; my maternal grandfather, and one week later, an uncle of my dad's. Then, a few days ago, word came that my MIL's dad was being life-flighted to the hospital and it didn't look good. He's still here, and doing ok (as far as I know so far), but February was a tough time with the two blows for my parents, and I feel so much for them. I feel for my husband and his family as well.

My mom's dad's passing has brought up a lot of complicated emotions in me. I keep telling myself it was HIM choosing to not be like a grandfather to me; there was nothing wrong with me. Of course, when he goes to my siblings' weddings (the ones that got married) and not mine, it makes me wonder what the hell is so wrong with me . . . . anyway, HE chose to not act as my grandfather. HE chose this. It was about HIM and HIS flaws, not about me. A man can be a coward, despite having served in the Navy during WWII in the Pacific, and in Japan during the Korean War (gee, I bet that last one was dangerous).

My mom is ok with all this talk; I wouldn't disrespect her in her grief; she told me it was ok to type out whatever I wanted here. I may have more, but it's taken me awhile just to get this little bit out.

Not that square watermelons have anything to do with it, but I guess Japan does, kinda . . . ..