Today I went to part of my church's worship service, the main meeting: Sacrament Meeting. The other two parts, well for women, are Relief Society, and Sunday School. For men, depending on which Priesthood one is called to, you go to Elders Quorum, or High Priests'. Then it is Sunday School, along with the women.
Now, some congregations have their Sacrament meeting first, before these other meetings/lessons, and some have them last. Ours has it last. Part of the reason is we meet in our building with several other congregations, or "wards", as our term is, and we have to stagger the schedules. Often, it is felt, that if Sacrament meeting is held last, that some people will feel that they can come to church late, which is not something the leaders want to encourage, and so it is more often practiced, when possible, that Sacrament meeting is first. Still, it is sometimes not possible to always do so.
Anyway, that's more than you likely ever wanted to know about the LDS Sunday Meeting schedule, lol, and that doesn't even take into account the Primary (which is the children) or the Young Women & Young Men's groups, either.
So, today was the first time since surgery that I've been to church. I could have gone back earlier, but I haven't. Going to church is a HUGE anxiety disorder issue for me. I mean HUGE. Being around all those people, ESPECIALLY crossing over the threshold into the chapel . . .
Today, though, my tears had naught to do with the anxiety disorder, at least, not how you might think . . . .
After I'd been sitting on the back bench for a few minutes, right before the meeting was about to start, a familiar feeling in my left leg and knee brought me up short and aware and I looked around at the benches and behind me to the overflow area at the padded folding chairs, and I was filled with horror - every seating surface I could see was angled, with the front edge higher than the rear edge.
If you don't know because you may not have read the posts about earlier in my recovery from this total knee replacement, I have been having an odd side effect that the surgeon has never heard of, which I talked to him about a bit at my recent appointment, just a little. When I sit on chairs or surfaces that are angled upward at the front edge, from the back, ie, the front edge is higher than the back end/edge of the seating surface, something in the way it presses against the back of my leg/thigh somehow causes an escalating pain reacting in the knee that he recently replaced, which is still recovering. I'm guessing there's some nerve(s) or bundle thereof that sends a signal to a bad spot, setting off a chain reaction . . . perhaps it's a quirk of my anatomy, or perhaps when they were cleaning out all the junk in the area when they were getting ready to put stuff in, something wierd happened, I don't know.
But bad things happen, when I sit on surfaces like that, and the longer I sit on them, the worse it gets. Even when it is not a steep angle at all. I certainly hope this is not a permanent condition; I hope it resolves within the year that it takes to recover completely from the surgery. I hate to feel like Goldilocks, complaining about this or that.
When I looked around in horror, realizing that everything around me in the chapel, was constructed in a way that would cause me escalating pain, I burst into tears, even as a song began that entreated one not to despair, and to count one's blessings . . . . and I thought, "How could God do this, how can I come here and be in PAIN, how am I expected to do this, this seems so WRONG . . . .", all the while the verse went on, saying to not discourage, etcetera . . . . . and I was bawling my eyes out.
It was a tough couple of minutes, that. Of course, it isn't God that did it to me, nor even the surgeon, really. It's not like he's ever heard of this happening before, and we'll pray that it doesn't become permanent. It's not as severe as it was at three weeks, although I'm four times as many weeks out now and I still have the effect, so I'm a bit worried . . . . . I also hope it doesn't happen to the other leg; if it does, I'd assume it's a quirk of my particular anatomy, but . . . that would still suck. Again, though, I'm not going to assume it's going to repeat itself. I'm going to assume it resolves before the year is out, but keep an eye on it's progress, because at 6 months if it is still appreciable that will worry me . . . . you don't notice how many seating surfaces fall under this category until you have a problem with them.
I spoke with the Bishop, who is what another type of congregation might call a pastor, except ours is unpaid, and is "called" out of the general population of the ward, generally every five years although the period of service can vary, as seems to be the case with this one, after the meeting, about why I'd burst into tears so suddenly right as the meeting started. I'd noticed the Bishopric's startlement and attention when I'd done so (I did so silently, but they did see and notice, as they are a caring trio), as of course it would have seemed to have come out of the blue for no reason. He said, well, remind me next week, but we don't want you to be in pain; we'll pull in one of the chairs from the foyer (lobby) for you.
I was quite startled by that! These are like soft, wing chairs one might see in a house or a nice waiting area of a reception area of somewhere, and comfortable. You might see these in someone's LIVING ROOM . . . . even more so than where I just said, really. So now I'm worried that people might think, "Who is SHE so special that she gets a special chair, in the Chapel, anyway?". I even said that to somebody, a former Bishop of the ward, and he said, "Nah, we're not like that here, and we wouldn't want you to be in pain; we'll make sure that you are set up just right."
So it sounds like things will be okay, but I'm still going to stick out like a sore thumb, which is going to set off my anxiety disorders like fire alarm bells ringing, despite what the last gentleman said; I'll keep trying to repeat his kind words in my head, but I have a hard enough time with my anxieties and going there, and being in a situation that's going to make me stick out in a way that's going to cause stares and whispers and attention is, um, well . . . for a person like me, it is kind of a nightmare.
Even if he says people aren't like that. People are people, and something so out of the ordinary (and never in the years I was going more regularly did I ever see someone sitting in a soft wing chair in Sacrament Meeting) is going to cause a stir. How to handle it is the problem, and I don't have a session with my psychologist until the Tuesday AFTER next Sunday.
Oh, and to make matters worse, my husband WORKS next Sunday, so I'll be flying solo, so to speak. A neighbor will take my daughter to church for the whole thing, then run back here to get me in time for Sacrament Meeting (as the same angled padded folding chairs are the seats in Relief Society and Sunday School, I'm not sure how to handle the rest of the schedule; I can't expect them to haul around a big 'ole chair around the church just for me, and I know I can't sit on angled chairs for three hours either or I'd be screaming in pain too.)
I didn't think of the seating for the rest of the schedule issue until after we'd left church. I can't begin to impose on anyone for THAT, so I guess I'm stuck for now. We'll see. Sacrament Meeting for now, that's the most important part, being able to partake of the sacrament, anyway.
5 comments:
You could take some sort of cushion for the seat. Just enough to elevate the back part of the seat above the upward angle of the front part of the seat. A small pillow, a folded up jacket,etc. It would work for all the different kinds of seats, and then you would not have to have a lobby chair either.
I was thinking about that today, and the physical therapist had suggested something like that, or a folded towel, or something.
Although I worry that in that case, people might think I have a BAD case of hemorrhoids . . . .
Then again, there's the imposition on others for bringing in a lobby chair, of which my Bishop would reply, it's not at all, in the case of Sacrament meeting, since we hadn't discussed the other meetings . . .
This next week it's going to be his solution, since he's going to do that I believe whether I remind him or not, that's what he'll realize even if he forgets at first, he'll remember after seeing me for a few minutes, and take care of it, so there'll be nothing I can graciously say about such a kind act to refuse it.
As for the future, I do not know what to do, still. Anything I can think of will potentially set off my anxiety disorder still, which, yes, is worrying too much what other people think, but when it potentially has to do with ones' hygiene (not that hemorrhoids are always a result of that, they can be caused by medical conditions etc. but implications are often otherwise assumed, and if I am seen pulling out extra measures to sit on, or heck a special chair, they might assume that, although I would think the smaller measures would be more easily assumed to be for that than the larger).
Ugh. Yeah my mental circling in circles is a pain and may sound selfish. It's hard to break out of the anxieties though, and I know the world and other people's thoughts don't revolve around me; still, anything out of the ordinary, especially in church, tends to draw attention, so it makes me worry.
I really appreciate your constructive and thoughtful suggestion, it is a very helpful, useful, and usable idea and alternative, despite all my fears.
Sara, have you thought about borrowing a chair from the RS room and seeing if the solution that has been suggested would work? Mom
Thanks mom, but those are the same chairs used in the overflow area, ie, the folding padded chairs, and they are angled.
In our ward we have at least one or two people who come in on wheelchairs, and no one judges them because they're obliged to use them to get around. If the only way you can feel comfortable is by borrowing an upholstered chair from the foyer, then I would consider that a "reasonable accommodation."
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