Actor Crush of the Day:Tom Welling
Today's appointment got off to an awkward start . . . . Lots of "ums", and silence. I finally spit it out, though. After a bit of interchange, and some more silence, and starting to freak out in a panic attack, then came the Question. If anyone outside the office had heard it, you wouldn't even think it that odd or deep, even for two friends discussing the subject. But in the context of therapy, and the relationship between him and I (nothing inappropriate, just the unique depth of interaction that is inherent in the therapeutic relationship), and the absolute horror I felt inside at this question, something New in my psychological experience occurred.
I felt a tightening, in my chest. As though a purse-string was being tightened up. And I shifted around a bit, and breathed, although I couldn't expand my lungs fully due to the tightening. It rapidly progressed to a hard squeezing. Everything was squeezing so hard inside my upper torso; it was getting tighter, and more and more difficult to breathe. The squeezing restricted, further and further, my ability to draw a breath. I expressed my difficulties to the ologist; he could see I was enduring something, and I, in short bursts as I was rather . . . in distress by this time, let him know what was going on. It became extremely uncomfortable, in a painful way, but the pain is difficult to describe. And of course further panic at not feeling able to breathe didn't help any, either . . . . I shifted my lower body forward on the couch, and sunk my upper body lower down into the couch, and tilted my head back, in an effort to mitigate the restriction on my lungs. And of course there was alot of grimacing and a few gutteral noises of effort in relation to the squeezing and breathing difficulties. All this happening within the space of, say, 30 seconds or so, from the first tightening.
My ologist then said, in about the most safe, nurturing, confident voice that one could imagine, "Let's get you back to a safe place." He talked, for a minute or two, with me answering a few short answers here and there, and fought the squeezing, in my mind. Really, really hard. I finally came to a place where the squeezing all of a sudden quickly eased over about 10 seconds, and I was in that safer place; he had helped me get there; he had not abandoned me to the scary "attack" of whatever was going on; he calmly, confidently, caringly, knowledgeably, and skillfully applied himself towards helping me get out of the very real physical distress I was in.
The rest of the appointment went well. I was scared at what I had experienced; that had never happened to me before. But afterwords, there also was a reassurance inside that scary as I thought therapy would be, that I now know he won't abandon me to the scary stuff. That he will HELP ME THROUGH IT. That is such a NEW concept for me, it's hard to even wrap my mind around it. I will NOT be alone in experiencing the difficulties. True, he was not not having the difficulty himself, but he was RIGHT THERE with me, in the trenches. As much as anyone outside my head COULD be. That is very comforting, and I felt very taken care of, and comforted, afterwards. Actually, that feeling of comfort and care, is what helped the squeezing go away.
I had never thought to feel such a physically intense reaction to psychological stuff. Or at least that kind of feeling.
In one way, it scares me because I feel like now I'm just at the beginning of starting into stuff like went on today, and who the heck knows what other kind of strange, scary, painful, and even debilitating physical and emotional reactions, ie, monsters, could rear their ugly heads . . . . . In another way, though, my confidence and trust in him is so much deeper, for the experience we went through today.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Today's Ologist appointment was good!
Actor Crush of the Day: Tom Hanks (He's just so comforting!)
We worked on the issue of "You can't hate yourself into health", among other things. Accepting myself. Sounds simple, doesn't it?
NOoooooooooooooooooooo, it's not. Accepting oneself, with all the flaws, inconsistencies, even irresponsible behavior, the almost always backing out of alot of things, my problems following through, my fears and avoidance behaviors, neediness, just so many things. How does one accept the pitiful creature that you think you are? And yes, I know I'm not pitiful. At least, part of me does anyway. Part of me thinks I am . . .
Talked about pushing back and lashing out against feeling like other people have these huge expectations of me. Not only expectations, but like "orders" of things they want me to do. And feeling controlled.
And feeling like, I am not acceptable if I am not on meds, to people. There are SO many issues surrounding meds. There can be SEVERELY CRIPPLING side effects. I'd rather live with the bipolar, than tardive dyskenesia, among other things. Not that I'm showing signs of that, but it's just one of the many issues.
I DO appreciate the concern for my well-being that is expressed when loved ones are concerned about whether I'm on meds or not, but . . . . feeling like they "suffer" me when I'm not on meds . . . . I'm just not sure what to do with that. I appreciated the honesty behind that, and do not regret who told me that, telling me that. I feel an implicit rejection in that statement, but I need to figure out my feelings on the issue.
It's a big issue, and NOT personally related to any one person. It's something I've thought about for the last year, ever since I heard that I might be bipolar. I wondered so much about how accepted and loved I was and would be, both on, and off meds. It is something I've pondered, and need to do some more figuring on.
I was able to bring it up briefly at the end of the session, but I suppose I'll discuss it further with him next week.
We worked on the issue of "You can't hate yourself into health", among other things. Accepting myself. Sounds simple, doesn't it?
NOoooooooooooooooooooo, it's not. Accepting oneself, with all the flaws, inconsistencies, even irresponsible behavior, the almost always backing out of alot of things, my problems following through, my fears and avoidance behaviors, neediness, just so many things. How does one accept the pitiful creature that you think you are? And yes, I know I'm not pitiful. At least, part of me does anyway. Part of me thinks I am . . .
Talked about pushing back and lashing out against feeling like other people have these huge expectations of me. Not only expectations, but like "orders" of things they want me to do. And feeling controlled.
And feeling like, I am not acceptable if I am not on meds, to people. There are SO many issues surrounding meds. There can be SEVERELY CRIPPLING side effects. I'd rather live with the bipolar, than tardive dyskenesia, among other things. Not that I'm showing signs of that, but it's just one of the many issues.
I DO appreciate the concern for my well-being that is expressed when loved ones are concerned about whether I'm on meds or not, but . . . . feeling like they "suffer" me when I'm not on meds . . . . I'm just not sure what to do with that. I appreciated the honesty behind that, and do not regret who told me that, telling me that. I feel an implicit rejection in that statement, but I need to figure out my feelings on the issue.
It's a big issue, and NOT personally related to any one person. It's something I've thought about for the last year, ever since I heard that I might be bipolar. I wondered so much about how accepted and loved I was and would be, both on, and off meds. It is something I've pondered, and need to do some more figuring on.
I was able to bring it up briefly at the end of the session, but I suppose I'll discuss it further with him next week.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Chemical Soup & Chocolate Milk (Doesn't that sound yummy?)
Actor Crush of the Day: Christopher Lee (in his younger days, but he doesn't have to be TOO young; I've been watching Airport '77)
I've been having a rough time and I appreciate all the kindness I have received. Thank you, it really helps ALOT. The littlest things can really mean so much, because someone took the time to THINK of them, and do them, instead of assume it wouldn't mean much, or assume that I'm already getting plenty of those kind gestures.
I've gone from feeling melancholically morose, to being full of anger and wanting to push back, at anything and everything. Very edgy, agitated, and irritable. I had been wondering if a manic phase was coming on . . . and this may be it. Not the anger itself, of course, that is related to so many things, but just everything with how I'm feeling right now, it feels manic in the agitated instead of euphoric way. UGH. Or maybe even mixed, which is WORSE. Ah, well.
I just keep stirring the chemical soup pot in my mind, and holding my nose with a clothespin until it starts to smell better.
Now THERE's a vivid analogy for you. Lol!! Wonder what the ologist will say of it. He'll probably grin!
On another note, I actually cooked for the 2nd time in two weeks; these are the first time's I've cooked in months. So that's a positive sign. An egg noodle-broccoli-mushroom (canned) garlic-and thyme thing, it's a side dish but we eat it as a main. And it's easy.
On a comPLETEly unrelated subject, does anyone else like their chocolate milk really weak, like I do? I like it about half white/half choc milk, if it's choc milk from a jug. I mix them. Or even 60/40, with the 60 being white. Enough to taste that there's chocolate, or some days a strong HINT of chocolate, without it being too sweet/thick like the full strength can be sometimes.
I've been having a rough time and I appreciate all the kindness I have received. Thank you, it really helps ALOT. The littlest things can really mean so much, because someone took the time to THINK of them, and do them, instead of assume it wouldn't mean much, or assume that I'm already getting plenty of those kind gestures.
I've gone from feeling melancholically morose, to being full of anger and wanting to push back, at anything and everything. Very edgy, agitated, and irritable. I had been wondering if a manic phase was coming on . . . and this may be it. Not the anger itself, of course, that is related to so many things, but just everything with how I'm feeling right now, it feels manic in the agitated instead of euphoric way. UGH. Or maybe even mixed, which is WORSE. Ah, well.
I just keep stirring the chemical soup pot in my mind, and holding my nose with a clothespin until it starts to smell better.
Now THERE's a vivid analogy for you. Lol!! Wonder what the ologist will say of it. He'll probably grin!
On another note, I actually cooked for the 2nd time in two weeks; these are the first time's I've cooked in months. So that's a positive sign. An egg noodle-broccoli-mushroom (canned) garlic-and thyme thing, it's a side dish but we eat it as a main. And it's easy.
On a comPLETEly unrelated subject, does anyone else like their chocolate milk really weak, like I do? I like it about half white/half choc milk, if it's choc milk from a jug. I mix them. Or even 60/40, with the 60 being white. Enough to taste that there's chocolate, or some days a strong HINT of chocolate, without it being too sweet/thick like the full strength can be sometimes.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I had a REALLY good ologist session today.
Actor Crush of the Day: All of the previous. They're all MINE. So THERE! (Teehee!)
Not feeling up to saying much more than that, but at least it's something. The title, not the actors (but wouldn't they be, though?)
Not feeling up to saying much more than that, but at least it's something. The title, not the actors (but wouldn't they be, though?)
Friday, November 04, 2005
Anyhoo, Back At The Ranch . . . .
Actor Crush of the Day: Hugh Laurie (I just discovered he's Mr. Palmer in Sense & Sensibility . . . . even MORE reason to love that movie!)
Anyone else use the word "Anyhoo"? Or admit to it, anyway? I really relaxed today in therapy and kicked back, and just had fun. I even told some psych jokes. And he hadn't heard them before. He thought the one about Santa needing to believe in himself, instead of depending on others believing in him, was the funniest!
So, anyhoo, raise your hand if you say Anyhoo.
So I used that word for the first time in therapy. It's amazing how much we censor out fun and quirky aspects of our personality when we feel like we are under other people's microscopes. The world looks rather harshly on silliness and unfettered exuberance. But that's ME.
I'm going to learn to not give a spit if the world, or its inhabitants that put me under a microscope, think this stuff is stupid. Think I am stupid. What do they know, anyway? I can learn to be ME, and being me is just DANDY thank you very much.
I hate when people get on their high horses and just look down their noses at you, all superior-like. That microscope thing is mostly about making you feel inferior to them. But I'm going to learn to not buy into that. I can be whoever I want, microscopes be damned.
Picture me, as a little amoeba, shaking my "fist" at the big bad nerd looking down through the microscope. Not gonna do it, anymore. We are all the same size. In other words, we are all the SAME, worth-wise. We are all sons and daughters of Heavenly Father, and that MEANS that no ONE person of us is any BETTER than any other. Anyone who thinks they are better than you, is forgetting that principle, if they ever knew it in the first place. Which some didn't, but even if they aren't religious, there's other analogies for everyone being equal.
So. I Rock! And I ain't gonna be held down by the Man, or the Woman, ANYMORE! At least, I'm gonna work on it anyway. WOOOOO! Yay for me. Teehee!
Anyone else use the word "Anyhoo"? Or admit to it, anyway? I really relaxed today in therapy and kicked back, and just had fun. I even told some psych jokes. And he hadn't heard them before. He thought the one about Santa needing to believe in himself, instead of depending on others believing in him, was the funniest!
So, anyhoo, raise your hand if you say Anyhoo.
So I used that word for the first time in therapy. It's amazing how much we censor out fun and quirky aspects of our personality when we feel like we are under other people's microscopes. The world looks rather harshly on silliness and unfettered exuberance. But that's ME.
I'm going to learn to not give a spit if the world, or its inhabitants that put me under a microscope, think this stuff is stupid. Think I am stupid. What do they know, anyway? I can learn to be ME, and being me is just DANDY thank you very much.
I hate when people get on their high horses and just look down their noses at you, all superior-like. That microscope thing is mostly about making you feel inferior to them. But I'm going to learn to not buy into that. I can be whoever I want, microscopes be damned.
Picture me, as a little amoeba, shaking my "fist" at the big bad nerd looking down through the microscope. Not gonna do it, anymore. We are all the same size. In other words, we are all the SAME, worth-wise. We are all sons and daughters of Heavenly Father, and that MEANS that no ONE person of us is any BETTER than any other. Anyone who thinks they are better than you, is forgetting that principle, if they ever knew it in the first place. Which some didn't, but even if they aren't religious, there's other analogies for everyone being equal.
So. I Rock! And I ain't gonna be held down by the Man, or the Woman, ANYMORE! At least, I'm gonna work on it anyway. WOOOOO! Yay for me. Teehee!
Thursday, November 03, 2005
GREAT therapy session today! Need ride to charter school meeting.
Actor Crush of the Day: Hugh Grant
Hi all! I had a GRRrreeeeAAAAtttt sesssion today with Dr. Mower at his Salt Lake office.
Thank you SO much for your kind comments. I am sorry that I have not been up to commenting back; my ability to follow up on things isn't great at times, and now is one of those times.
Plus, the longer I'm on this upped dose of Neurontin, the worse I'm getting. I am not able to think very well, or react like I should, or as fast as I should. I'm not able to even contemplate more than one simple thing at once, I am very woozy, dizzy, light & heavy-headed at the same time, my eyes and head are so fatigued it's all I can do to keep my eyes open at times.
My head feels like a cannonball. And somebody's taking a hammer to it . . .
I sympathize with anyone having medication side effects. Our bodies are all different, as are our doses, but it's all important to each of us, how we experience the effects &/or misery of modern medical chemistry. ARGH.
I'm having a Neurontin Neuroses. Well, can't really even think what neuroses means, and I'm probably not having one. I just liked the alliteration, there.
I am SO HAPPY. I had a really TERRRRIIIFFFICCC therapy session today! I LOVE it! He is such a GREAT psychologist. Yipppeeee!
Such a mixed state I'm in cause, well, there's some other things going on right now that I won't mention right now, but perhaps later. I'm having a hard time thinking.
I feel like everything is molasses, and I'm having to wade through it. My mental processes just seem stuck in molasses. Hrm, makes me wanna make molasses cookies, or gingerbread cookies . . . . YUM. But so weighted down and floaty at the same time. I feel kinda . . . . drugged.
Oh, on another issue, there's a meeting in Bountiful next Tuesday, the 9th, about the HF Autism & Asperger's charter school that's coming soon. I have no way to get there and don't know what I'd do with Emily. So I REALLY could use some help figuring out a way there. This is very important that I MEET with the people, and ask them questions, and get as much info as I can.
I'm gonna go lay down. Ergh. Eyelids closing without my permission . . . . even as I keep typing. Eyes closed typing, that's a new trick . . .!
TTYL! TTFN! SYLA! AAWC!
Hi all! I had a GRRrreeeeAAAAtttt sesssion today with Dr. Mower at his Salt Lake office.
Thank you SO much for your kind comments. I am sorry that I have not been up to commenting back; my ability to follow up on things isn't great at times, and now is one of those times.
Plus, the longer I'm on this upped dose of Neurontin, the worse I'm getting. I am not able to think very well, or react like I should, or as fast as I should. I'm not able to even contemplate more than one simple thing at once, I am very woozy, dizzy, light & heavy-headed at the same time, my eyes and head are so fatigued it's all I can do to keep my eyes open at times.
My head feels like a cannonball. And somebody's taking a hammer to it . . .
I sympathize with anyone having medication side effects. Our bodies are all different, as are our doses, but it's all important to each of us, how we experience the effects &/or misery of modern medical chemistry. ARGH.
I'm having a Neurontin Neuroses. Well, can't really even think what neuroses means, and I'm probably not having one. I just liked the alliteration, there.
I am SO HAPPY. I had a really TERRRRIIIFFFICCC therapy session today! I LOVE it! He is such a GREAT psychologist. Yipppeeee!
Such a mixed state I'm in cause, well, there's some other things going on right now that I won't mention right now, but perhaps later. I'm having a hard time thinking.
I feel like everything is molasses, and I'm having to wade through it. My mental processes just seem stuck in molasses. Hrm, makes me wanna make molasses cookies, or gingerbread cookies . . . . YUM. But so weighted down and floaty at the same time. I feel kinda . . . . drugged.
Oh, on another issue, there's a meeting in Bountiful next Tuesday, the 9th, about the HF Autism & Asperger's charter school that's coming soon. I have no way to get there and don't know what I'd do with Emily. So I REALLY could use some help figuring out a way there. This is very important that I MEET with the people, and ask them questions, and get as much info as I can.
I'm gonna go lay down. Ergh. Eyelids closing without my permission . . . . even as I keep typing. Eyes closed typing, that's a new trick . . .!
TTYL! TTFN! SYLA! AAWC!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Neurontin side effects?
Actor Crush of the Day: Sean Connery
I can't know for sure, but it's fairly obvious since I started Neurontin, and even more things since I bumped up the dose almost 4 weeks ago, that I'm having some negative side effects that may make it rather not worth it, despite the positive side effects.
From what I know, this is pretty much how the rest of my life is going to be. Testing different meds, and different combos of meds, to find what works, without so many side effects as to counterweigh by too much the positive side effects.
I feel like a guinea pig. Squeak!
Anyway, since bumping up from 900 to 1600, I have frequent woozy-ness and dizziness. A drugged sort of tiredness. You aren't sleepy in the normal sense, and yet you have a hard time keeping your eyes open, in a certain hour after a certain number of hours after taking the dose of medication. It is difficult to explain . . . .
Since starting the Neurontin in early September, after it started to kick in, it seems I've been LESS able to do things around here than ever before. It has severely increased my lack of focus; basically decreased my ability to focus to an extreme degree.
I LOVE to read. I LOVE it, I can read for hours and hours, in the right mood and state of mind. But in this, I imagine ADD-like state of agitated unfocused-ness, I try to read, and only get through a sentence or MAYBE a paragraph, and I HAVE to put it down. It's like trying to force that 700 pound shopping cart, that is skewed to turn one direction, a different way. Except the shopping cart is now like 5000 pounds. You try, and run up against a brick wall. You literally CANNOT force your brain to focus, even on something you love to do. That's just one example. Plus, for more tedious things, imagine the difficulties there. It's like my brain is on railroad tracks, and I can glimpse and sometimes grasp for a second things by the side of the tracks, but the train keeps going and I can't stop it to stay focused on whatever it was. I can't force the train off the rails, and head whatever direction I want.
It's driving Scott and I NUTS. He's frustrated that I haven't been able to do much of anything for 6-8 weeks now, around here. So am I. Before the Neurontin, I wasn't really able to do that much, but it was somewhat more than I am now. Now, it's NOTHING. UGH. The occasional batch of dishes or laundry I could summon up the energy to do about once every 8-9 days before, I can't now. I'm trying though. Occasionally I break through, but then I've used up all my energy, plus still being woozy and dizzy, and I'm then useless for anything for a LONG time.
It's like it was before the Neurontin, only WORSE. Of course, I also wonder, if I have ADD, and the Neurontin lifting some of the bipolar fog allowed that to come to the forefront. That could be, too. Because when the Effexor began to kick in earlier this year, it lifted alot of the horrid depression, and I began to drown in fear more intensely. It lifted the depression that had been dampening those aspects of my illnesses and allowed them to come to the forefront . . . .
Who knows. I've left a message with some details for Dr. Brinley, my iatrist, to call me back and discuss with me. Yet, I'm sad that yet another medication is probably proving to be NOT the solution, so we are back at square one, in regards to the bipolar. Plus the positive effects that I HAVE felt, I will be so SAD to see those go. It will be like the story, "Flowers For Algernon", in that I was able, for the first time in my life, to feel the full extent of my being, to feel fully my soul and depth of character and self, and depth of ability. That will fade away, and I will notice it fading away, until a certain point when so much is gone that I will be as I was before, in a rather unpleasant state and not able to even SEE that there was such a positive state as I had experienced. It's very poignantly sad to anticipate this. But I guess that's the way it goes.
In one way it is NOT back to square one, in that at least we know that Lamictal and Neurontin are not the meds for me . . . . Problem is, alot of the mood-stabilizing meds cause weight gain, to a significant, and for some, a SCARY degree. And at my weight, that is NOT an option.
I feel like a chemical SOUP. I need some croutons, with that, please. WAITER!
I can't know for sure, but it's fairly obvious since I started Neurontin, and even more things since I bumped up the dose almost 4 weeks ago, that I'm having some negative side effects that may make it rather not worth it, despite the positive side effects.
From what I know, this is pretty much how the rest of my life is going to be. Testing different meds, and different combos of meds, to find what works, without so many side effects as to counterweigh by too much the positive side effects.
I feel like a guinea pig. Squeak!
Anyway, since bumping up from 900 to 1600, I have frequent woozy-ness and dizziness. A drugged sort of tiredness. You aren't sleepy in the normal sense, and yet you have a hard time keeping your eyes open, in a certain hour after a certain number of hours after taking the dose of medication. It is difficult to explain . . . .
Since starting the Neurontin in early September, after it started to kick in, it seems I've been LESS able to do things around here than ever before. It has severely increased my lack of focus; basically decreased my ability to focus to an extreme degree.
I LOVE to read. I LOVE it, I can read for hours and hours, in the right mood and state of mind. But in this, I imagine ADD-like state of agitated unfocused-ness, I try to read, and only get through a sentence or MAYBE a paragraph, and I HAVE to put it down. It's like trying to force that 700 pound shopping cart, that is skewed to turn one direction, a different way. Except the shopping cart is now like 5000 pounds. You try, and run up against a brick wall. You literally CANNOT force your brain to focus, even on something you love to do. That's just one example. Plus, for more tedious things, imagine the difficulties there. It's like my brain is on railroad tracks, and I can glimpse and sometimes grasp for a second things by the side of the tracks, but the train keeps going and I can't stop it to stay focused on whatever it was. I can't force the train off the rails, and head whatever direction I want.
It's driving Scott and I NUTS. He's frustrated that I haven't been able to do much of anything for 6-8 weeks now, around here. So am I. Before the Neurontin, I wasn't really able to do that much, but it was somewhat more than I am now. Now, it's NOTHING. UGH. The occasional batch of dishes or laundry I could summon up the energy to do about once every 8-9 days before, I can't now. I'm trying though. Occasionally I break through, but then I've used up all my energy, plus still being woozy and dizzy, and I'm then useless for anything for a LONG time.
It's like it was before the Neurontin, only WORSE. Of course, I also wonder, if I have ADD, and the Neurontin lifting some of the bipolar fog allowed that to come to the forefront. That could be, too. Because when the Effexor began to kick in earlier this year, it lifted alot of the horrid depression, and I began to drown in fear more intensely. It lifted the depression that had been dampening those aspects of my illnesses and allowed them to come to the forefront . . . .
Who knows. I've left a message with some details for Dr. Brinley, my iatrist, to call me back and discuss with me. Yet, I'm sad that yet another medication is probably proving to be NOT the solution, so we are back at square one, in regards to the bipolar. Plus the positive effects that I HAVE felt, I will be so SAD to see those go. It will be like the story, "Flowers For Algernon", in that I was able, for the first time in my life, to feel the full extent of my being, to feel fully my soul and depth of character and self, and depth of ability. That will fade away, and I will notice it fading away, until a certain point when so much is gone that I will be as I was before, in a rather unpleasant state and not able to even SEE that there was such a positive state as I had experienced. It's very poignantly sad to anticipate this. But I guess that's the way it goes.
In one way it is NOT back to square one, in that at least we know that Lamictal and Neurontin are not the meds for me . . . . Problem is, alot of the mood-stabilizing meds cause weight gain, to a significant, and for some, a SCARY degree. And at my weight, that is NOT an option.
I feel like a chemical SOUP. I need some croutons, with that, please. WAITER!
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