Thanks, guys. Lessee. Just feeling pressured to create elaborate jewelry and my skills aren't up to it yet; I have so much fun just stringing, I'm still going to do that, and I guess set aside most of it for someday hypothetical sales, of course, that will mean I'll rapidly run out of supplies with no income to replace them.
I figure I'll eventually be half just strung stuff, some w/pendants and some without, and half or 1/3 slightly to moderately to occasionally really more technical and/or elaborate, "creative" stuff.
I think what I'm doing IS creative, and I'm just starting to stretch my wings and branch out into more types of designs. I can't push it. I guess I've decided I'll just do what comes, as it comes to me, and he can send things back if they aren't creative enough.
I can see where he'd still want to buy those things, but not for much seeing as how the simply strung stuff is alot of what he makes. And if I'm seriously only getting $1-$2 profit for each necklace, that's really pretty much nothing.
I do understand that it is just business. So I have some decisions to make. Guess we'll see how the negotiations go - I am willing to negotiate. And hope HE is not offended if I say ok, I'm happy with our settlement on items a, b, and c, but I'd like d, e, and f back. I hope HE knows that it is just business and not personal, on my end too.
Anyhoo, so I'm worried about that, but I've decided I can only learn as fast as I can learn, really. And I can't push it. If I feel pushed, I shut down. But I am encouraged that some more interesting ideas are coming to me.
This one might be boring, what do you think of it. Moderately small donuts, with lengths of leather between them. Double lengths, because it will loop through each donut at either end of the leather, and I'll put a leather crimp on in the middle between the donuts, which will act as a sort of metallic accent. Then, the main donut at the bottom will be a good bit larger, and attached the same way.
I also have an idea for a necklace w/those red lampworked w/white dots. To have them spaced out on a necklace, maybe with white rondells and some silver ones, and strands of liquid silver spilling out of the bottom-most five lampworked that are spaced out, with the bottom most one having the most spilling out frome ach side of it. With matching rondells at the bottom to weight them and add more interest.
I could also add some smaller donuts spilling down beneath the main donut in the above mecklace.
I'm also thinking about mixing leather and chain in some interesting ways.
Oh yeah, another lampworked red w/white dots necklace, w/letter charms dangling beneath that spell "MERRY". Not sure what to space between the lampworked though. OR I could space letter LINKS between them, spelling Merry.
I also have a "Wise Men Still Seek Him" necklace in mind, with several tiers. If you see a Wise Men type star, an elongated type Christmas one, lemme know. And a Wise Men round charm and/or pendant.
Um. As for why else I'm really down, I'd say something the Bishop has asked of me (but not in his capacity as Bishop; he said it was from his experience as a father and stuff, that he was speaking in that capacity. I am so stressed about it, because I CAN'T. It's basically trying to force me to do something I CANNOT DO right now. I just cannot. And the implications and consequences of me not being able to do it, are not good. Especially since it involves Emily.
And then there's the issue of, I swore I'd never be that bipolar person who considered stopping the meds, like so many do. But, the reality is much different. And if Dr. Brinley seriously meant something he said to me, which has to be a lie due to other actions of his (a lie meant to push me towards better health, I guess but), then there is NO REASON to take the meds.
And then the whole mess with me not being able to go to that charter school meeting.
And then the myriad of other ways in which I have stupid impulses. Childlike, overly-optimistic, stupid.
The ways in which I've discussed soem experiences with YOU, that i know you do not want to hear. About me listening to my gut as a mother over my mother-in-law. Which I still feel was a valuable lesson I learned as a mother. (No offense meant, Betty, but I have to learn what is best for me and Emily as a mother.) And knowing that you don't want to hear anything about any experiences I have with your family that are hard for me. And knowing that, like the other day when I was talking so much about some of the cool beading tools I wanted, that you were like Whoa, you don't need all this stuff. I just get so carried away and I'm sick of being who I am. Just sick of it. Altho I still want alot of beading stuff. Lol.
Just seeing some of my horrible flaws reflected in our interactions lately. I'm not disappointed in YOU; I hate ME!
I'm just feeling so pressured, from so many directions. Dr. Brinley, the bishop, the jewelry stuff (altho I think I've come to some good conclusions there), my inability to reign in my silly desires for so much, when I'm talking to you, how badly I feel that you may start to turn away from me because I'm afraid you'll think all I ever talk about is beading; my fear that you and others like Jana will feel that I'm monopolizing you, and this increased friendship between us will go away; I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified Jana resents and hates me cause we haven't interacted much since she came to my house and I'm worried she feels I've taken you away from her or taken over her place with you when we are at Betty's house. I want to be friends with you BOTH. I try to be friendly with everybody, but you and Jana just really seem to accept me for who I am, without judging and examining everything I do, at least, I hope she does. And hope you do. I think you do . . . I'd like to be friends with all, but I know it doesn't always work out that people are compatible. I am just so SCARED. And so worried that Jana doesn't like me and that you will start to not like me either and go away. I'm worried that others don't like me either, family-wise, but I have expended so much emotional energy there over the years that I kind of just accept that it is what it is and love, even from a distance. I am afraid that Jana will be at a distance forever. And that you will go there too.
I'm really laying out a lot here. I don't intend anyone hurt. I love all my sisters (that includes in-laws, we're all sisters). Even if our relationships are all different.
What you said really is a lot more positive than your title of this post. You gave a good explanation of where you stand now and what your fears are. I hope doing so gave you some perspective and made things seem better. :)
Bless your heart. Sometimes it is time to just take time and live. Remember your husband loves you, your children adore you and you are always making progress.
4 comments:
Um... care to elaborate? What's brought this mood about? And please don't do anything... um, BAD, IYKWIM. Call if you need to.
Thanks, guys. Lessee. Just feeling pressured to create elaborate jewelry and my skills aren't up to it yet; I have so much fun just stringing, I'm still going to do that, and I guess set aside most of it for someday hypothetical sales, of course, that will mean I'll rapidly run out of supplies with no income to replace them.
I figure I'll eventually be half just strung stuff, some w/pendants and some without, and half or 1/3 slightly to moderately to occasionally really more technical and/or elaborate, "creative" stuff.
I think what I'm doing IS creative, and I'm just starting to stretch my wings and branch out into more types of designs. I can't push it. I guess I've decided I'll just do what comes, as it comes to me, and he can send things back if they aren't creative enough.
I can see where he'd still want to buy those things, but not for much seeing as how the simply strung stuff is alot of what he makes. And if I'm seriously only getting $1-$2 profit for each necklace, that's really pretty much nothing.
I do understand that it is just business. So I have some decisions to make. Guess we'll see how the negotiations go - I am willing to negotiate. And hope HE is not offended if I say ok, I'm happy with our settlement on items a, b, and c, but I'd like d, e, and f back. I hope HE knows that it is just business and not personal, on my end too.
Anyhoo, so I'm worried about that, but I've decided I can only learn as fast as I can learn, really. And I can't push it. If I feel pushed, I shut down. But I am encouraged that some more interesting ideas are coming to me.
This one might be boring, what do you think of it. Moderately small donuts, with lengths of leather between them. Double lengths, because it will loop through each donut at either end of the leather, and I'll put a leather crimp on in the middle between the donuts, which will act as a sort of metallic accent. Then, the main donut at the bottom will be a good bit larger, and attached the same way.
I also have an idea for a necklace w/those red lampworked w/white dots. To have them spaced out on a necklace, maybe with white rondells and some silver ones, and strands of liquid silver spilling out of the bottom-most five lampworked that are spaced out, with the bottom most one having the most spilling out frome ach side of it. With matching rondells at the bottom to weight them and add more interest.
I could also add some smaller donuts spilling down beneath the main donut in the above mecklace.
I'm also thinking about mixing leather and chain in some interesting ways.
Oh yeah, another lampworked red w/white dots necklace, w/letter charms dangling beneath that spell "MERRY". Not sure what to space between the lampworked though. OR I could space letter LINKS between them, spelling Merry.
I also have a "Wise Men Still Seek Him" necklace in mind, with several tiers. If you see a Wise Men type star, an elongated type Christmas one, lemme know. And a Wise Men round charm and/or pendant.
Um. As for why else I'm really down, I'd say something the Bishop has asked of me (but not in his capacity as Bishop; he said it was from his experience as a father and stuff, that he was speaking in that capacity. I am so stressed about it, because I CAN'T. It's basically trying to force me to do something I CANNOT DO right now. I just cannot. And the implications and consequences of me not being able to do it, are not good. Especially since it involves Emily.
And then there's the issue of, I swore I'd never be that bipolar person who considered stopping the meds, like so many do. But, the reality is much different. And if Dr. Brinley seriously meant something he said to me, which has to be a lie due to other actions of his (a lie meant to push me towards better health, I guess but), then there is NO REASON to take the meds.
And then the whole mess with me not being able to go to that charter school meeting.
And then the myriad of other ways in which I have stupid impulses. Childlike, overly-optimistic, stupid.
The ways in which I've discussed soem experiences with YOU, that i know you do not want to hear. About me listening to my gut as a mother over my mother-in-law. Which I still feel was a valuable lesson I learned as a mother. (No offense meant, Betty, but I have to learn what is best for me and Emily as a mother.) And knowing that you don't want to hear anything about any experiences I have with your family that are hard for me. And knowing that, like the other day when I was talking so much about some of the cool beading tools I wanted, that you were like Whoa, you don't need all this stuff. I just get so carried away and I'm sick of being who I am. Just sick of it. Altho I still want alot of beading stuff. Lol.
Just seeing some of my horrible flaws reflected in our interactions lately. I'm not disappointed in YOU; I hate ME!
I'm just feeling so pressured, from so many directions. Dr. Brinley, the bishop, the jewelry stuff (altho I think I've come to some good conclusions there), my inability to reign in my silly desires for so much, when I'm talking to you, how badly I feel that you may start to turn away from me because I'm afraid you'll think all I ever talk about is beading; my fear that you and others like Jana will feel that I'm monopolizing you, and this increased friendship between us will go away; I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified Jana resents and hates me cause we haven't interacted much since she came to my house and I'm worried she feels I've taken you away from her or taken over her place with you when we are at Betty's house. I want to be friends with you BOTH. I try to be friendly with everybody, but you and Jana just really seem to accept me for who I am, without judging and examining everything I do, at least, I hope she does. And hope you do. I think you do . . . I'd like to be friends with all, but I know it doesn't always work out that people are compatible. I am just so SCARED. And so worried that Jana doesn't like me and that you will start to not like me either and go away.
I'm worried that others don't like me either, family-wise, but I have expended so much emotional energy there over the years that I kind of just accept that it is what it is and love, even from a distance. I am afraid that Jana will be at a distance forever. And that you will go there too.
I'm really laying out a lot here. I don't intend anyone hurt. I love all my sisters (that includes in-laws, we're all sisters). Even if our relationships are all different.
What you said really is a lot more positive than your title of this post. You gave a good explanation of where you stand now and what your fears are. I hope doing so gave you some perspective and made things seem better. :)
Bless your heart. Sometimes it is time to just take time and live. Remember your husband loves you, your children adore you and you are always making progress.
Peace.
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