Actor Crush of the Day: Sean Connery
I can't know for sure, but it's fairly obvious since I started Neurontin, and even more things since I bumped up the dose almost 4 weeks ago, that I'm having some negative side effects that may make it rather not worth it, despite the positive side effects.
From what I know, this is pretty much how the rest of my life is going to be. Testing different meds, and different combos of meds, to find what works, without so many side effects as to counterweigh by too much the positive side effects.
I feel like a guinea pig. Squeak!
Anyway, since bumping up from 900 to 1600, I have frequent woozy-ness and dizziness. A drugged sort of tiredness. You aren't sleepy in the normal sense, and yet you have a hard time keeping your eyes open, in a certain hour after a certain number of hours after taking the dose of medication. It is difficult to explain . . . .
Since starting the Neurontin in early September, after it started to kick in, it seems I've been LESS able to do things around here than ever before. It has severely increased my lack of focus; basically decreased my ability to focus to an extreme degree.
I LOVE to read. I LOVE it, I can read for hours and hours, in the right mood and state of mind. But in this, I imagine ADD-like state of agitated unfocused-ness, I try to read, and only get through a sentence or MAYBE a paragraph, and I HAVE to put it down. It's like trying to force that 700 pound shopping cart, that is skewed to turn one direction, a different way. Except the shopping cart is now like 5000 pounds. You try, and run up against a brick wall. You literally CANNOT force your brain to focus, even on something you love to do. That's just one example. Plus, for more tedious things, imagine the difficulties there. It's like my brain is on railroad tracks, and I can glimpse and sometimes grasp for a second things by the side of the tracks, but the train keeps going and I can't stop it to stay focused on whatever it was. I can't force the train off the rails, and head whatever direction I want.
It's driving Scott and I NUTS. He's frustrated that I haven't been able to do much of anything for 6-8 weeks now, around here. So am I. Before the Neurontin, I wasn't really able to do that much, but it was somewhat more than I am now. Now, it's NOTHING. UGH. The occasional batch of dishes or laundry I could summon up the energy to do about once every 8-9 days before, I can't now. I'm trying though. Occasionally I break through, but then I've used up all my energy, plus still being woozy and dizzy, and I'm then useless for anything for a LONG time.
It's like it was before the Neurontin, only WORSE. Of course, I also wonder, if I have ADD, and the Neurontin lifting some of the bipolar fog allowed that to come to the forefront. That could be, too. Because when the Effexor began to kick in earlier this year, it lifted alot of the horrid depression, and I began to drown in fear more intensely. It lifted the depression that had been dampening those aspects of my illnesses and allowed them to come to the forefront . . . .
Who knows. I've left a message with some details for Dr. Brinley, my iatrist, to call me back and discuss with me. Yet, I'm sad that yet another medication is probably proving to be NOT the solution, so we are back at square one, in regards to the bipolar. Plus the positive effects that I HAVE felt, I will be so SAD to see those go. It will be like the story, "Flowers For Algernon", in that I was able, for the first time in my life, to feel the full extent of my being, to feel fully my soul and depth of character and self, and depth of ability. That will fade away, and I will notice it fading away, until a certain point when so much is gone that I will be as I was before, in a rather unpleasant state and not able to even SEE that there was such a positive state as I had experienced. It's very poignantly sad to anticipate this. But I guess that's the way it goes.
In one way it is NOT back to square one, in that at least we know that Lamictal and Neurontin are not the meds for me . . . . Problem is, alot of the mood-stabilizing meds cause weight gain, to a significant, and for some, a SCARY degree. And at my weight, that is NOT an option.
I feel like a chemical SOUP. I need some croutons, with that, please. WAITER!
3 comments:
The person who I know who was just diagnosed with bipolar was put on one of the medications for attention deficet disorder with samples. It seemed to really stabilize her mood swings. This was before her official diagnosis with bipolar so she was not on meds associated with that, to my knowledge. She could no longer get the drug though as her doctor said adult add does not exist and without diagnois medicaid does not pay. Or may they don't pay period. She and her husband had a golden month in their year of marriage. I hope her current meds fare well. I know that she has been able to sleep where before she had insomnia and was going out of her mind with lack of sleep.
When I took meds for ocd, I was like a zombie much of the time. My mom worked at my company and said I looked like someone strung out on drugs and I think she said my coworkers looked at my strangely. I had so much trouble being awake enough to even read the screen on my computer. I tried following with my finger from one line to the next. I am not sure if that was the day that my mom forced me to go to the break room and drink Mountain Dew. I felt like a sinner as I avoid caffeinated drinks but it did wake me up. Once I dozed off during a call and said, "big wheel". I said to my customer that I do not know why I said that. In a taken aback voice, they said they did not either. My meds never stopped my thought processes so I stopped them. I did try out different drugs in this process. I think they may have helped me get some of the more bizarre thinking under control and also may have helped me with underlying depression. I do not think I am depressed now. I hear people say that there are new drugs all the time that I should try. I feel guilty that I have not been to a psychiatrist for a decade or had any therapy for years. Well, my dad does not want me in therapy right now. I do take fish oil, take flax seed oil, eat almonds, take other vitamins. Oh, I have started to eat seaweed as I read Kelp is good and think it is the same thing. I eat whole grains. I recently cut out white sugar and find myself not going into my super-charged brain mode where thoughts are coming a mile a minute. I miss those times! It is not like I ate a lot of sweets these days but it must have been just enough to ranchet up. Or maybe it is a coincidence and I will have some of those episodes soon. I hope so as my poetry writing needs that level of fluidity.
My OBGYN told me to take OTC garlic pills to help with my chronic fatigue. I haven't done it yet, but my mother has read the study about it and she said that it was clear cut that it works. Just a thought.
I know I have mentioned this before, but it really sucks when we (people with chronic illnesses) also have to deal with medications on low doses because our bodies are so sensititve to the medicine. If we could just take the medication at the right dose or even find the right medicine the first time, we would be so much better off. I hope you find the right medication soon, but if it doesn't happen, don't give up. The right medication is out there for you.
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