Actor Crush of the Day: Pierce Brosnan, so comforting!
I told him, "You suck and you're a stupidhead."
Although I prefaced that by warning him that I'd had a rather juvenile insult run through my mind, maybe from my inner child. Lol!!!
I don't recall having EVER used the word "stupidhead" before.
I suppose that's probabaly mild compared to some of what probably some patients dish out, though.
I am glad I finally pushed through my internal "nice police" and insulted him, because I was angry, and finally "took a slap at him" as he put it. I apologized for being rude, later in the appointment, but he doesn't see it as rude. I'm s'posed to have all sorts of feelings come up, including transferring a bunch onto him (that's what I told him about how I was able to push through my "niceness police" and just be just a tiny bit mean), and stuff.
If I can't just let all these social conventions about niceness and appropriate behavior hang, so's I can SHOW and DO and CONVEY how I feel, even primitive stuff, even not-so-primitive but adultfully complex tangles of emotion and stuff, then i won't ever get the full benefit of therapy.
Now, some social conventions should NOT be done with, even in therapy. Like, say, the social convention against taking all your clothes off and running wild (not that I've had the desire to do so; ok, so the 105 degree heat mid-summer might make one vaguely wonder . . . . hee!
But when it comes to what one SAYS, what one CONVEYS, and what one FEELS, one should just let it all hang out. MUCH easier said than done; the last year has been a slow process of learning to let my defenses down just a little bit more, and a little bit more. A couple months ago I thought I had made some breakthroughs and gotten to a very open level, but then again he went on vacation for a few weeks, and I also was pissed at him, so maybe that healed some of the breaches in my defenses; I dunno.
Psychologically speaking, I suppose the fact that I was so unspecifically pissed at him around that time may very well have something to do with him going on vacation; I cringe to even think that, though, as I hate being that obvious, pathetic, and needy. But hell, it happens to the best of us. And, actually, that may happen to the "best" of patients, no matter how hard they try to NOT be peeved that their therapist is going on vacation/leaving/etc. When one has deep-seated issues of abandonment and rejection, I suppose it would be MORE remarkable had I NOT had any feelings about the matter at all.
Anyway, so he sucks and is a stupidhead. For what that's worth! I'm sure he's probably been called much worse. I suspect; who knows!
5 comments:
You were probably editing as you spoke! Stupidhead is a much nicer phrase than, you know, Sh*thead. I have been called many things too....
And it is hard when a break in therapy occurs for vacations, etc.
~Deb
I used to just stare at my first therapist in high school for the most part. I was very closed and he could not draw me out. He used to have me play chess with him. I only saw him a few times and he basically said that I was a perfectionist personality type and my employers would love me. And I was by no means well when I stopped seeing him and am not sure if it was his decision or not.
A couple years later, I started seeing my second therapist. Then, he went on vacation and I never got back with him. Maybe if I would have done more work then, I would not have had the problems down the road to the degree that I have.
Sara, it is great to hear that you are making progress! :)
And your friends are here for you when 'ologist aka stupidhead is on vacation.
Dr. Deb said something that triggered a vague memory of something that I heard about. I am a little sketcy on details but I think it was pretty much as follows. Around the time my brother was introduced to the son of the woman he would become engage to(break up before marriage), the son who I think was about eight was calling my brother something like mister. I think someone said to him that he knew my brother's name. To this the boy promptly replied, "Poopeyhead!"
Funny story, Barb! Did the boy go back to calling him Mister after that? hee hee.
Thanks, Deb. Yeah I see him on Tuesdays, and his 2-week vacation had him leaving Tuesday afternoon (after our appt.,) and coming back Monday evening. So we actually only missed one appt, and I wonder if he did that on purpose. But haven't dared ask him, cause that's rather narcissistic of me, now isn't it? Lol.
I do like him much of the time, but the more time goes on, the more I get irritated and angry at him (which, I suppose, is a GOOD sign cause that means stuff is a'happenen inside me I guess).
That doesn't make it any funner though. Not that therapy is what I'd call fun, anyway. Very valuable tho. I'm so sorry your first therapist was well that seemed kinda rude. And that it didn't work out with the next one.
I think I haveta leave him a message tomorrow, or something he said at the end is going to have me fearful and twisted up in tight horrible knots all week.
Oh yeah, and happy June! (And thanks for bein there for me, especially when I'm miffed at ole stupidhead (thanks for useing it yourself; makes me feel less, well, STUPID now that several other people have used it. Esp you, Barb!
I oughtta shuttup now, my ability to inhibit behavior goes down drastically after midnight.
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