Ocean of Self-Doubt

I'm drowning in a sea of doubt.

Self-doubt, in so many flavors, quantities, depths, and frequencies . . .

There is SO much that I am trying to . . . . hmm. I can't figure it out but that leads to something important . . .

It's not as simple as just banishing it, or just simply believing in one's self. I wish it was, and I wish I could . . . .

I had one appointment recently where I discussed the doubting/floundering, the not being able to gain a footing, or not being able to find solid ground . . . .

There is SO MUCH about me that I despise, loathe, and HATE with a hurt that is so deep it defies my ability to describe . . .

That all ties into some things I found out in July, thru the "friend" who was the one who hooked me up with the mental help and mental health providers, and helped my previous Bishop understand some of the issues regarding.

Well, have you ever heard the term, "A little knowledge, can be dangerous"? Just because she is involved with NAMI alot and has a daughter with mental health issues, does NOT mean she is qualified to make all the judgements that she fed back to my iatrist, in July, the day after I called her, sobbing, that I was terrified to go see him and didn't know how I could. I had called him earlier that afternoon, and he was HORRID. I was calling her as a FRIEND, who happens to relate to this iatrist, not really socially, but kind of; she's got him on the board of a mental health center they're trying to get placed in Davis County, as well as he was her daughter's iatrist, and they are probably somewhere between acquaintances and friends, outside of the consumer/provider relationship, or the consumer's parent/provider relationship.

So, I was a wounded puppy, turning to a friend. The next day . . . well, what she did was kick this wounded puppy viciously as hard and violently as she could, with what she did to me, how she did it, and the content thereof. Even WITHOUT the content of what she did, her calling him in the attitude/orientation/intentions that she did, was what ANYONE would call stabbing someone in the back . . . .

As my (now) former iatrist related some of what she had said, I was in shock; very incredulous, and disbelieving, first, that a friend could do this to me, second, that SHE, knowing how difficult it is for the mentally ill to function, could and WOULD do THIS to me, THIRD, that she would make so many judgements, or even any of them, harsh ones, based on a year where we BARELY saw each other every 3-5 months, for a few minutes at a time. Based on her NOT seeing me, NOT seeing me doing things she thought I should be doing (where does SHE get off . . .

Autism Bill Passes House & Senate

Now, it goes to the President to sign before the Holiday Recess.

Combat Autism.org

A quote from the above site:

The bill authorizes nearly 1 billion dollars over the next five years to combat autism through research, screening, early detection and early intervention. The new legislation will increase federal spending on autism by at least 50 percent. It includes provisions relating to the diagnosis and treatment of persons with Autism Spectrum Disorders, and expands and intensifies biomedical research on autism, including an essential focus on possible environmental causes. Autism is now diagnosed in 1 in 166 children according to the Centers for Disease Control.

Read the bottom two of the three paragraphs at the following link.

WPLN.org news transcript

YES!!!!

This means that insurance coverage for services for my daughter, may be covered, or should be to some extent, I guess we'll see how it all gets sorted out . . . .

ONE BILLION DOLLARS over the next five years . . . . YAY!!!!!

Yes, I know there's many ailments and health issues that need money, attention, funding, research, etc., but autism has been neglected/ignored for FAR too long in these and other areas.

YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~

YIKES!~

Okay, so I'm in bed all day, sleeping cause I'm depressed and also the gabapentin makes me tired.

The doorbell rings, I send my daughter to get it. It's my bishop! So she lets him in, and comes back to get me, and I'm starting to get dressed, and she says loudly to him from down the hall, "She just has to get dressed!" I'm SO embarrassed!

Great, so my bishop is standing 12 feet away and knows I'm in a state of undress. GREAT. VERY embarrassing. Not so embarrassing tell you guys cause you guys are alot farther away than that!

Oh, and this man is the CEO of a company!!! Also, was standing there in my HORRIDLY MESSY livingroom, with views of my HORRIDLY MESSY kitchen and hallway, too.

I mean REALLY BAD.

And here he is, in his really nice suit, on his way home from work, in my house, which probably doesn't smell so great . . .

I did let him know that the judge decided I was obviously disabled and stuff. And that it'll be up to 60 days before I hear back on what money I get, if any. He said he wants me to keep him updated on that.

I am SO EMBARRASSED, though. What about the above incident in any aspect of it ISN'T completely embarrassing? He probably HEARD me getting dressed, too.

Turmoil, Yeasts, & Easy Recipes

Well, I've got alot of it. Which is why, these last months, even this last YEAR, to a lesser degree, I've been a bit more untethered and sometimes directionless.

I'm still here, though, but it's taking all my effort just to hold on; not really gaining any ground these last few months, in therapy either. I wonder if that frustrates my therapist . . .

He did ask me a question out of the blue last Tuesday that seemed to want to try to address the overwhelming sadness and lack of well it's hard to put words to . . .

Anyway, I'm having a REALLY HARD TIME since about September; there's been HUGE changes and events going on, and I feel like I'm being tumbled, washing-machine-like, in the downward pressure at the bottom of a waterfall or heavy rapids, like sometimes happens.

On a completely different note, I'm going to attempt an easy recipe from scratch, altho it really needs quick-rise yeast and all I have is regular active dry. I'll punch it and let it rest s'more, like double or triple (the recipe says just 10 mins, it's kind of a batter dough, so I'm really not sure how to adjust, aside from dissolving this active dry yeast in 105-115 liquid first, before mixing w/ingredients and lengthening the rest. Not sure there'll be much to "punch" either . . .)

I saw, in an ad in the Quick & Simple $1.59 magazine that I've recently discovered in the checkout aisles at the grocery store, an ad for www.fleischmanns1dish.com.

The ad had one of the recipes. I went there and liked what i saw, easy and simple batter-type doughs, extremely sticky and such, with things placed atop after the resting period. I'm going to try the 1-Dish Chicken Enchilada, as I have some pre-cooked chicken cut-up in the freezer.

It IS a good sign of fighting the depression on the rare occasions when I cook anymore; heck, just heating something in the microwave is a victory and an outof-the-ordinary occurrence. So this one is WAY unusual, of late, especially in recent months.

Guess we'll see how it turns out.

Oh hey, another cooking site I just discovered, that is SIMPLE, and practical, is The Practical Pantry.com