Ocean of Self-Doubt

I'm drowning in a sea of doubt.

Self-doubt, in so many flavors, quantities, depths, and frequencies . . .

There is SO much that I am trying to . . . . hmm. I can't figure it out but that leads to something important . . .

It's not as simple as just banishing it, or just simply believing in one's self. I wish it was, and I wish I could . . . .

I had one appointment recently where I discussed the doubting/floundering, the not being able to gain a footing, or not being able to find solid ground . . . .

There is SO MUCH about me that I despise, loathe, and HATE with a hurt that is so deep it defies my ability to describe . . .

That all ties into some things I found out in July, thru the "friend" who was the one who hooked me up with the mental help and mental health providers, and helped my previous Bishop understand some of the issues regarding.

Well, have you ever heard the term, "A little knowledge, can be dangerous"? Just because she is involved with NAMI alot and has a daughter with mental health issues, does NOT mean she is qualified to make all the judgements that she fed back to my iatrist, in July, the day after I called her, sobbing, that I was terrified to go see him and didn't know how I could. I had called him earlier that afternoon, and he was HORRID. I was calling her as a FRIEND, who happens to relate to this iatrist, not really socially, but kind of; she's got him on the board of a mental health center they're trying to get placed in Davis County, as well as he was her daughter's iatrist, and they are probably somewhere between acquaintances and friends, outside of the consumer/provider relationship, or the consumer's parent/provider relationship.

So, I was a wounded puppy, turning to a friend. The next day . . . well, what she did was kick this wounded puppy viciously as hard and violently as she could, with what she did to me, how she did it, and the content thereof. Even WITHOUT the content of what she did, her calling him in the attitude/orientation/intentions that she did, was what ANYONE would call stabbing someone in the back . . . .

As my (now) former iatrist related some of what she had said, I was in shock; very incredulous, and disbelieving, first, that a friend could do this to me, second, that SHE, knowing how difficult it is for the mentally ill to function, could and WOULD do THIS to me, THIRD, that she would make so many judgements, or even any of them, harsh ones, based on a year where we BARELY saw each other every 3-5 months, for a few minutes at a time. Based on her NOT seeing me, NOT seeing me doing things she thought I should be doing (where does SHE get off . . .