To be or not to be, is NOT the question.
Although it is one I have to re-answer, periodically. That last time being a week or two ago.
The main crux right now is, to the extent that mental illness affects ones' self-restraint, self-control, ability to act, react, restrain, withhold, refrain from acting, how, then, does that mesh up with the notions of agency, self-direction, and full responsibility for self?
If these illnesses really do interfere with my ability to control myself, then what does that imply for all sorts of other things?
I do not seek absolution from anyone, although the notion appeals. How could it not, given the problems I have?
I am struggling with this, mightily. And trying not to do all-or-nothing thinking, which leads to bad places. But . . . if my illnesses MEAN nothing, as far as my problems with controlling my behavior, then, in fact, the illnesses, the diagnoses, MEAN NOTHING. But then again, I was raised to believe that I am completely responsible for myself and my actions. Which I DO.
I am amidst a . . . conundrum. And it tears me apart. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SETTLE THIS.
2 comments:
Sara, you know there are times when you are so diminished either by extreme highs or lows. That does not mean that you should not use whatever tools you can to help ride these times until you are on an even keel. Also, you need mechanisms in place to help you to get help when you need it in an emergency situation. You seem pretty in touch with when you are entering a manic state. I think you recognize your low states too. Remember what you love most even at your lowest to carry you through. I think that an educated person would recognize that you are not as responsible for your actions when you are on that roller coaster ride of emotions. You have the responsibilty to do what is in your power to nuture relationships when you are in a better frame of mind. You have the responsibility to keep seeking treatment. You are very gifted with intelligence and you do a great service by sharing your personal trials and victories. I am hoping that you have more victories. I wish you good times. I am so glad that when you are well that you take such pleasure in life. That is contagious in a good way. It is one of the things that I love about you. I love you sister! Take care of yourself. Also, don't be so hard on yourself. Love yourself.
I don't understand what it's like to be bi-polar, but I understand what it's like to be different. To make mistakes, to put my foot in my mouth over and over and wonder where God is in my life and how could He like me?
And sometimes I understand hope and sometimes I don't.
Your sharing could validate someone's experience. I don't have any answers beyond that.
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