And I know it will happen again, no matter how hard I try.
I am not planning on failing, people say those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Er, that doesn't really fit this. Or if you think you fail, of course, you will . . .
But at the same time, it's going to be a long time before I'm healed from all sorts of psychological crap; although I will not be healed from my illnesses. I may be able to learn how to manage them somewhat better, to hopefully alot better.
I just hate that, until then, I basically suck.
And as I go through therapy, it brings up alot of buried and bottled up emotions, that explode and spew all over the place.
I know I cannot say that that won't happen again, because it has happened my whole life. NO MATTER HOW HARD I'VE TRIED, I haven't been able to stop it.
And, alot more difficult stuff and feelings coming up that are just so confusing and then that whole transference thing.
None of this is excuse, but it's explanation.
I don't even know how I can even say, I can't stop it from happening again, and what kind of person that makes me; what kind of human being, what kind of acceptable/unacceptable/horrible etc. that makes me.
Therapy is helping, but it is oh-so-slow. I am sorry.
And, again, sorry for having these illnesses, sorry for being this way, sorry for being me, and sorry for being ME around my families. It must SUCK to be my family.
Really, really, very much so. Some might say definitely not, but I know that, in the end, I am difficult, overreactive (even knowing that, I can't help FEELING it, because I'm in the MIDDLE of it and it feels real, and not overdone, when I'm feeling it, and later, even), unpleasant, emotional, paranoid, etc.
I hate what I do, what I am. How I am, and how I do things. Who I am, and who I do (well, okay, I love who I do, because I love my husband, teehee!).
The inevitability of this crap . . . . it creates such a hopeless, helpless feeling . . . what kind of person can't even control themselves to that kind of degree . . . but then, this is one of the main cruxes of my problems, my illnesses . . . .
3 comments:
Everybody hurts the ones they love at times. It does not take a mental illness to be our lesser selves at times. I think that some people who maybe more black and white in their thinking may see a person in a lesser moment who often is very charitable and kind and proclaim that they are "showing their true colors." I think even the best of among us will fall short and we need to remember that a person's heart is often not revealed when a person is stressed or tired. In fact, I think that is more reflective of not being themselves in many cases. I know for myself how in abstract thoughts I can think so fondly of people and want to only treat them good. Then, I get short with those I live and am shocked that such things come out of my mouth. All we can do is apologize and hope the person knows that in our heart of hearts that the last person that we want to hurt is those we love. Well, mom and I are going to watch a show so I gotta run. You have been a very prolific writer and I took a day off from online. I will have to catch up on Monday.
I would have to say this conflict, that this disease is killing me and my family, is my number one hopelessness launcher right now.
I honestly feel that nothing is worth this pain.
I don't understand why God would call me to do a-z and pull the rug out from under me.
My family deserves so much better...
Sorry, enough about my own confusion. I totally understand what you're expressing here... It's hard.
Tea, you do not want to cause your family pain. That is not who you are. I hope that you are able to get to the point where you do not feel out of control. Until then, try to make as many decisions as you can to leave a room when things get tough and you need alone time. Try to have as many outlets as you can that relax you. If you are on meds, make sure they are the right dosages through your doctor. Work on resolving any issues with your past that may cause you to repeat cycles. Take care of yourself. Just meeting you here at Sara's blog, I think you are a neat person. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am hoping for you to have much peace and happiness.
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