BOY these really hit home, that they are ME. And despite the fact that the book says they are distorted thinking, I believe them, and for most of them, I AM them.
Guess that's why I'm in therapy, is to talk through and work on it until I don't believe it anymore . . . . but right at this moment, I DO. I mean, to conceive of a worldview where I didn't, would be like not having any boundaries, not having any means, scheme, method, whatever, for coping with the world and my place in it.
It would be teetering atop a scary pinnacle.
Anyway, here's some of em. The chart is copyrighted by him, but how do I talk about these concepts and how they are affecting me without doing small quotes? I think that's probably okay . . . small, small excerpts for illuminating my point? I dunno.
You are motivated by the fear of failure or by a sense of duty.That last one, ESPECIALLY!!! With my OVERLY INTENSE WAVES OF EMOTIONS, and the swings thereof . . . it would be BAD BAD BAD to let up on what seems like what little and few measures of control I can exert, with all my might . . . I MUST CONTAIN IT!!! And, there have been times, where I felt that I must die trying . . . or that I WOULD die trying, from the strain of it, the pain, and the COMPLETE AND HORRIBLE ISOLATION of it.
You feel you must earn your self-esteem. You think you must be very "special" or intelligent or successful to be loved and accepted by others.
You are terrified by failure. If you do not achieve an important goal, you feel like a failure as a human being.
You think you must always be strong and in control of your emotions. You are reluctant to share vulnerable feelings like sadness, insecurity, or anger with others. You believe they would think less of you.
These . . . are just so, well, how I can feel some measure of control over and/or in the world . . . because to be at the mercies of the world . . . is inconceivably horrific and fearful and delicate. I MUST have some FRAMEWORK to be able to keep myself whole, protected, safe; to keep myself from falling apart.
I MUST compel myself to follow these things; they provide SOMETHING that is somewhat elusive to describe. Something to cling to, to hold on to, something to . . . help me hold on to ME.
Sounds like there's a TON of fear involved . . .
Fear has so many flavors, and I seem to know them all . . .
3 comments:
I think that I am at the core more of a type "b" personality. I do take responsibility very seriously. To cope with difficult times, I did adopt a more type "a" personality and school was the main arena where this manifest itself. I have known a lot of fear of failure through the years, but that again can be traced to the extreme stress I was under. Back when times were good, I was a pretty confident child. I have confidence in a lot of areas, but really limit myself in so many ways. But I guess that I am not a perfectionist in thinking that I have to achieve some great sucess to be liked or receive approval. I like you the way you are. I will be happy if you improve as I know how painful it is to be the way that you are. However, I think your authentic self is very amazing!
Wow, Thank you Barb!!
You are very perceptive and thoughtful.
I have never been able to finish that book. It's so full of stuff. I've gotten about a third of the way through and am just now starting to read it again.
I'm trying to change the messages I give myself. Like I will say, "I am not a bad person trying to get good, I am a sick person trying to get well."
Or, when I don't feel well, I acknowledge that I don't feel well instead of putting myself down as lazy.
good book, really.
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