Daughter Quote of the Day: (heard just before heading off to school) "I want a baby brother".
She's not old enough to think that working on that may be one of the activities her parents do while she's at school. Thank Goodness.
But WE are! 8^D.
Practice makes perfect . . . .
And it's JUST practice, for now.
Well.
I was Neurontin-sleepy today, so I spent much of the day in bed, relaxing and dozing.
Hope I can sleep tonight!! But I was SO SLEEPY! And besides that, I didn't feel . . . like there was . . . I don't know. I wasn't depressed, but rather just kind of on "pause", if that makes any sense . . . maybe a bit of a depressed dip, I'd say there was one thread that might have been that thinking, but at the same time I know I'm doing stuff lately, and making progress.
It was more like a, well, Pause. I did do something emotionally difficult today, and then processed it a bit as I lay there . . . it kinda sucks that other people won't/don't bring their full selves, or engage as much as I do, when discussing issues between us. I tried in various ways to get at certain things in a deeper way, and also tried to, by various discussion, to illustrate some things that I hoped she would come to understand . . . like that there is much more to me, and much more going on with me, than people can "see" . . . . . . Anyway, on one or two things, we got partway towards where I would have liked to have been, either on finding out more how she felt, in a less guarded way, or on what she got out of what I was saying . . . but then the rest of it, we didn't get very far, or rather, I didn't get very far.
And you know what?
That's okay. I was fully present in the conversation, and not being overbearing (I don't think; I know I can be) and yet, curious and asking from several different perspectives and angles, about some of the issues and feelings about them, to explore the issues between us. I'm proud that I did this, because if I hadn't, I'd be left wondering if I had engaged as well as I should, and tried to work on things between us as much as I should have. Instead, I'm left with a satisfaction that I think, I fairly politely (as far as discussing some issues that have caused hurt and offense could be done) discussed and explored things, and came back to some things repeatedly, and so I know that I did what I could. I am glad that I came back to some things repeatedly, so that I know I wasn't just being run over by her, either, whether or not that was her intent, that isn't my point or what I'm saying, though. Rather, that I pursued what I felt was important between us, and gave some things that were important to me good attention, and just because I'm not satisfied with her answers, with parts of our discussion, doesn't mean I'm not satisfied with how I interacted, and what I accomplished.
I accept that she is a different individual, with her own levels of comfort/discomfort about discussing issues, emotions, and relationships; that she will not necessarily be "as present" as I am, as unguarded as I'd hope, and as forthright as I was being. I did ask about some things in different ways, to try and get through some of these barriers, but, for the most part, they remained. That, too, is okay. That is her right, as her part of our friendship, although I am saddened by some of what I found out, and by her not engaging much on some issues, and basically not engaging at all on others. I am trying not to "mind-read", but given the issues involved, her interaction or lack thereof on those matters tends to reinforce those problematic (for me) attitudes that she has, in my mind.
It's okay; people can disagree. I can alter my interactions with her as I see fit, as I feel appropriate to incorporate those judgements on her part of me that I feel, believe, and KNOW to be unfounded, incorrect, and hurtful. I can choose to not trust her with types of experiences, with certain levels of disclosure, and with more than a light level of intimacy, relatedness, and expression of emotions.
Of course, that last paragraph might just be my "distancing" maneuver, but what do I do? Am I supposed to just continue the level of depth that I think appropriate in a friendship of this nature, KNOWING now some of the negative judgements and perceptions that she thinks are just fine to do to me? It IS MY choice of whom to trust, emotionally and otherwise, and not.
If I feel like less trust and depth is called for, then that is where I will go with it, and be. If that's classical distancing, well, sometimes less trust and depth is called for, and justifiable. And the only one I need to justify it to is me. (Although it WOULD and WILL be good to discuss in therapy; to get that benevolently neutral perspective, because it IS hard for me to sort things out when I'm in the middle of it.)
Anyway, Thanks for reading this Far.
He thought the milk bath joke was funny. It was the only one I could remember at the time!
Sara
8 comments:
Really being "fully present" for an in depth discussion of issues between friends can be very hit and miss. You might be ready to discuss in depth your feelings, however, catching the other person ready to do the same is very problematic. Imagine someone coming up to you and telling you how they really feel when you have already had a stressful day, or week. It would be very difficult to engage totally in the give and take of the discussion when nerves and feelings are already exposed and raw.
What would you do in YOUR world; set up an appointment to talk with a friend, and "warn" them you wanted to discuss "issues"?
If that had been my approach, I don't see that she would have been any different.
We had a nice conversation before I turned it to the deeper things, and I told her that I would like to address and discuss some things between us, and she acknowledged that. Seems to me that's about the best one can do.
I am reading most recent posts and working back. Yippee! He liked my joke. :)
For a couple of weeks, I have been thinking about sending you a guest blog on friendship. It is kind of uncanny how you have hit on so many of the elements that I planned to discuss. And I do feel it is important to accept what level of friendship that a person is willing or able to give. We cannot be all things to all people. However, even limited friendships can help us so much along the way. A book that I read that talks a lot about boundaries said that what two healthy people have to give each other in a friendship is always enough. That is kind of a hard statement to prove by anecdote or study. But I do think it is important to recognize limitations and that even healthy people have limitations. Well, I may send you my guest post on this subject as well as another subject that you hit upon briefly, inferences. I will say guest in the title so you know. Not sure when I will get around to it. It is kind of funny as I was writing them in my head the other morning before I got out of bed. Do some of my best writing then! Too bad there is not a way to transport it right to the computer!
I just wanted to offer another point of view..."My" world is the same as yours...Try to treat everyone as you want to be treated....Remember they actually may be feeling as vulnerable as you on your most vulnerable day...that's all....
Well, cool then. This is how I'd like to be treated, so that works out. If someone called at a bad time, I'd let them know and schedule something else, and I was open to that from her if she had said so after I said what I'd like to talk to her about.
Thanks for your perspective.
I am not sure exactly what you meant by on pause. I have times when I feel apathetic though I do not experience it that often and it has been a time. I think it is more likely to happen when I am sunlight deprived. My dad waits to pick me up at work a lot of days so that I can get a lot of sunlight outside waiting for him. This works out good as it allows me to hear the chimes of the Church across the street and the hymms that the bells play. I often take pleasure in things. I have a meltdown here and there, but most of the time do pretty good. That was not always the case.
Between Sara's comments and anonymous's comments, I think all the bases may have already been covered and do not know if there is much room for me to write my guest blog. I may work something up on a different subject sometime. Of course, it is subject to final approval by Sara. :)
I'd love a guest post from you anytime, Barb!
Post a Comment