Hey! Where's My Shoelaces?

Actor Crush of the Day: Ewan McGregor & Liam Neeson (I just love British Jedi!)

An analogy that has been useful for me lately, is one involving everyone being issued with a pair of "shoes" as they are sent down to Earth, to live, from heaven. Not everyone gets shoes that fit as well as others; not everyone gets the color or style they'd like; not everyone gets a shoe suited to the functions that are needed.

And, not everyone receives shoelaces.

I posit that, with my mental illnesses, I was issued shoes, but no shoelaces. I have repeatedly stumbled and fallen, my whole life through. I didn't even know what I was missing, although the inevitability of falling, and the repetitive nature of it, seemed to indicate that I was missing SOMETHING, as I grew older and wondered. No matter how hard I tried, one shoe, or both, in the most difficult times, would fly off and I'd fall on my face, with varying degrees of trauma depending on the situation.

And sometimes, it would be quite awhile before I even could, or would, get up again.

Sometimes, I'd just crawl.

Sometimes, I'd just lay there and sob.

I've hated those shoes, and hated the "unfairness" of it. Why do others get to race on past me, while I must repeatedly eat dirt, over and over again? And be expected to WANT to get up, even though I am running with faulty shoes; with some essential component missing, which I couldn't compensate for even if I knew what I was missing?

But, a year ago, I learned after many, many, many years, that I may be bipolar. And have a variety of anxiety disorders. As the year wore on, the rapid cycling nature of the bipolar became defined, and the possibility of OCD became painfully clear as I began to discuss things with the psychologist that I always thought were "just ME". For my whole life, I thought all this stuff, all this inability to "fit" with coping, being capable, in society, in the world, among people, and even alone, was a fundamental and serious flaw with my ME-NESS, my ME-hood. I thought I, MYSELF was the flaw; that I, MYSELF, was the "thing" that was not suited for this world, for interacting with people, for BEING. I had no framework for even conceptualizing that it could be something other than maybe some depression (which is serious, by itself, but . . .)

So. This year, I have learned that there is such a thing as shoelaces . . . . this September, after beginning the Neurontin (mood stabilizer), I believe that I have been able to grab ahold of these laces. Through therapy, I will learn what they are for (well, everyone knows what shoelaces are for, but in the analogy, I never even knew what was missing; I have to learn what they are for, analogically speaking). As time, therapy, medication, and my whole treatment continues, with hard work on my part, I will slowly start to thread these laces into my shoes.

I have already begun to try to walk and run, still, and I stumble, still. Even with perfectly laced shoes, everyone stumbles. Still, as I begin to see some faint, faint but powerful glimmers of possibility and hope, I can't help but test what I learn, even if I am not yet ready. And so, I still fall.

BUT, though I am scraped, bloodied, and bruised, I am, ever so slowly, learning. Ever so slowly, bit by bit. Some days, weeks, months, better than others, and sometimes just holding ground itself is progress of a sort, and sometimes I have bad times. But I am learning, now, that there ARE laces, that there is a use for them, what that use is, and that I have been missing SO MUCH. And that I can learn, and be, and BECOME.

Eventually, my shoes will be all laced up, and I will haltingly, and/or recklessly, test my step, and then my stride. People who learn to re-use their muscles after serious injury or prolonged convalescence, must re-learn in a similar way to what I am trying to describe, here. There may be some collapse of nerve, or strength, or collapse under duress and pain. I will, after regaining strength, get up again and proceed to test, discover, and learn how a laced-up pair of shoes will increase my capabilities and self-hood.

There will be mistakes, stumbles, hurt, and frustration. But I will learn to walk. I will learn to skip, jump, and hop.

I will RUN.