How Fighting Satan is Like Putting On A Pair of Control-Top Pantyhose

Actor Crush of the Day: John Schneider

Well, they're both difficult sons of @#&*(%^. If you're a man, you'll just have to trust me on this.

Let's see. You start off, all determined to resist temptation, and defeat the adversary in fell swoop. You start off with the toes, and easily slide the deceptive pantyhose over your heels, thinking, "This isn't so bad, nothing to it!".

You then start to have some difficulty, but with prayer and effort, you make a bit of progress. And resist the temptations of sin.

Woops! Looks like we spoke too early; got a little run there, in our pantyhose. No problem; whip out the handy dandy clear nailpolish, and you're good to go. You may have stumbled; but you repent, and set your grip again for the fight ahead.

You find that you've lost a bit of ground, and have to start from the ankles again. Kinda frustrating, but that's how it goes. You slowly inch the hose upwards, gritting your teeth and mumbling fake curses under your breath, as all your muscles, spiritual or otherwise, are called into play.

Your arms are trembling now from the strain, as the terrible struggle threatens to yank those pantyhose right out of your grip and send you head over heels to the floor. You grunt with the effort of just holding your ground, let alone making any progress, and despair of winning the battle.

Suddenly, you have assistance. Your prayers have been answered; your husband hears the funny sounds issuing forth from the dressing area and hearkens to your call for aid.

You brace yourself against any handy semi-sturdy piece of furniture at hand, those things from lessons past in Church, and knowledge from the scriptures that you have gained over the years. Your husband braces himself and pulls where you tell him to; your lungs heaving mightily with the effort, trembling with sheer exhaustion from the strain of the battle, you, together, begin to make progress once more.

The home stretch is in sight, but this proves the hardest battleground of all. You and your spouse no longer speak, as you are locked in battle with the terrible pullings of the adversary, and all his efforts to knock you off balance and lower your spirituality. Or pantyhose, as the case may be. Er, that sounds bad . . . lol!

Anyway, together, you wrestle with sin and temptation; locked in battle, sweat dripping from your brow, your spouse working in unison with you to overcome the strength of the world. As you both begin to feel as though the struggle will never end; that the pantyhose will just never succumb to the combined efforts and coordination of you and your spouse, suddenly, the battle is over.

Oh happy day! The sweet, sweet release of eternal rest. The ceasing of struggle and strife; the glory of knowing that soon, you will be at church to worship your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; the peace of just BEING, is felt within your souls, and the joy of overcoming temptation and sin, and the humility you feel at the assistance you received from on high; your prayers were answered, forgiveness was given, and assistance was provided in the struggles just overcome.

Amen to that, and just so you know, I am NEVER going to attempt control-top pantyhose again. I have learned my lesson . . . . teehee! Yes, this allegory is based on an actual event****; I also believe the Lord has a sense of humor, and won't be offended at my relation of my hosiery struggles, with the struggle with sin and temptation. Hee!

****Names were changed in the above allegory to protect the innocent; also, my lawyers insist that I declare that there is nothing sinful about pantyhose, in and of themselves. But on the other hand, whatever MAN invented them, especially the control-top version . . . well, may the Lord have mercy on his soul . . . wait, my lawyers inform me that placing my hands around someone's throat and squeezing, is not a good idea . . . . hee hee hee! Just kidding y'all.