Or Front, take your pick.
DD is upset that the shuttle launch got canceled; she doesn't seem to understand my explanation about safety/thunderstorms and stuff. She was really looking forward to watching it with me! We'll try again tomorrow . . . . here's hoping things go well, for all concerned!
No update on the contacting Ms. Church issue yet; I've been out of town since Tuesday and just got back late last night; I was going to make more attempts while gone, but was rather discouraged. Still, I need to find some courage somewhere and keep going with it . . . it's VERY hard for me, though.
Your encouragement means alot to me. It helps alot.
I had some nice, relaxing days at my parents' house. It was great to get away from this cave of an apartment, with all the guilt of all the undone things around here (laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc.) I am embarassed to admit this, but it is a way that shows part of the disabling nature of what I am going through . . . I don't/can't clean very often . . .I try hard to mentally whip myself into doing it, but 99.99% of the time all that does is do me damage inside.
So, it was nice to get away from undone responsibilities. Guess that makes me irresponsible . . . . bet you can guess what song is going through my head NOW, lol!! Maybe that's a label, though, so I shouldn't do it (you know, it ALWAYS bugs me that according to Dr. Burns and/or cognitive behavioral theory/therapy that "shoulds" are distorted thoughts, things you should (hee hee) work on changing that thought. But then, when the "shoulds" are about certain things and are certain KINDS of shoulds, it seems to me that THOSE are not discouraged much, if at all) . . . I'll come up with some examples sometime soon.
So anyhoo. I've been having aLOT of headaches lately, that feel medication related . . . maybe from going down to 1200mg neurontin from 1600? I feel I do well on the 1200 when it's taken VERY regularly, and I'm less woozy . . . last time he kinda sarcastically said I could change it down to that if I wanted, since it seemed like I wasn't really caring what he said . . . .I cared, but hey, it seemed like HE wasn't listening to ME.
I was on 1200 from last Dec to this March, but then a person happened to me with some cruel remarks beyond what you may even imagine, and the stress of that, he upped the Neurontin, I thought he said as a measure to get me through a month or two until that situation abated. I'm pretty sure he said that. So when I saw him again a month later and said ok, should we go back down in dose? He was really acting like I was trying to change a permanent med situation, on my own as if I was the one who knew better than him . . . .
So for one, that made me feel like he doesn't listen, and maybe even lied to me, or I don't know. Probably another of our many miscommunications or who knows what.
By the way, I see him this Thursday. IF I GET THE COURAGE TO GO . . . . my terror is going to increase exponentially each day between now and then. I'm trying not to fortune-tell (thought distortion) like that, but I can FEEL it happening. We'll see what I can do about it, if anything.
7 comments:
It is so good that you went on vacation. Vacations are supposed to be a time to get away from responsibilities! I know I have felt myself feeling lighter at times even when I would go on a two hour trip to my grandparents.
It is always important to be your own advocate when it comes to medication. It is important to mention side-effects. I may have mentioned how I was like a zombie when I was on meds at some points. And it seemed like my concerns did not register with my doctor. After I called their hotline once to ask a question about medication and spoke to a kind woman who seemed concerned about how I was so tired that I could not really function at work, my doctor seemed to turn a new leaf and said that we needed to be concerned about too much drowsizness. I don't know if my dad is serious, but he said recently that I need to go on meds. I said that I will need psychiatrist and a therapist if that is the case and asked if he knew anybody. He said, "Yeah, somebody that I dislike." He was so satisfied with himself that he smiled very wide.
Hello sarebear,
You had made a comment at a different blog and I'd responded to that comment, but it was later noted that particular blog was not the place to seek or find medical advice. For that reason, I removed my comment there in favor of shifting it here where it's a bit out of place, but where you'll be able to read it without it causing discomfort to anyone else.
==================================
Re: "Whacked"
Reading that reminded me of reading this...
"If a woman is instinct-injured, she often has a problem with intrusion recognition; she is slow to notice territory violations and does not register her own anger until it is upon her.
Typically such women do not act upon their rage at the right time, perhaps jumping the gun, or having a delayed reaction weeks, months, or even years later, realizing what they should have, could have, would have said or done. This is usually not caused by shyness or introversion but by too much thinking, too much trying to be nice, and not enough acting from soul.
Injured instinct must be arighted by practicing and enforcing strong boundaries and by practicing firm and, when possible, generous responses, but solid ones nevertheless. [Source]
It can be difficult to find a professional to work with at times and in any therapeutic relationship -- just as in any relationship -- some difficulties are going to creep in. Sometimes, what they are is a repeat of old behaviors and working them through within the confined safety of a therapist's office can plant a seed of courage that a person can then take outside the confines of the office. This is the beauty of a therapeutic relationship.
If you're reasonably content where you are (I'm assuming there are other areas where you connect), it might be worth digging in and resolving this issue. On the other hand, walking away from someone who does not respect you is also a form of assertiveness. There are many therapists out there, some of whom may provide a better fit for you.
I am embarassed to admit this, but it is a way that shows part of the disabling nature of what I am going through . . . I don't/can't clean very often . . .I try hard to mentally whip myself into doing it, but 99.99% of the time all that does is do me damage inside.
It was apparent to anyone who had been in my home "before" and those who had been in my home "after" that something was seriously amiss with me. My home certainly reflected the dischord I was going through. Like you, I didn't have the energy to cope with it but neither did it help my "state of mind" to be surrounded by clutter and disarray. Something that helped me was to tackle it a bit at a time. Feel free to adopt anything in the following that's helpful to you and to discard anything that isn't...
- Aim for the common spaces; the spaces you spend the most time in and that are also most commonly seen. Bedrooms, closets, bathrooms -- there's a reason they have doors.
- Get a garbage bag and move through your common space. You're just going for the obvious trash -- newspapers, mail flyers, pop bottles, empty tissue boxes, etc. Keep going until you either fill the bag or all the obvious trash in that area is gone. Tie the bag, put it out on the curb and congratulate yourself. It might have taken you only five minutes but you got something done.
- Get some empty boxes or laundry baskets. Label them as you determine is necessary: Mail; Magazines; Basement; etc. Move through your common space and begin sorting items into the boxes by category. It's amazing how much can be done in fifteen minute increments, or the length of time it takes your favorite (upbeat) song to play.
- If you're a television watcher, get in the habit of jumping up at every commerial and doing something. You can load a dishwasher, scrub a few pots, or sweep a floor in the length of time it takes for one utterly boring commercial break to pass you by.
- Find a small niche in your home that you like -- a sunny corner, a window ledge, the top of a dresser. Make that one small spot look pretty. Wash it, dust, it, shine it, arrange it. It will give you cause to feel better each time you pass by and see the small piece of beautiful orderliness you created.
- Buy yourself some flowers, put them in a vase, and put them out where you can see them. Again, the idea is simply to beautify your surroundings in some small way. If you feel you're up to a bigger challenge, try a potted plant. The task is to learn to care for something again. It takes time, commitment, and a dedicated block of time. [Note: Two boston ferns have died in my care. I don't bring them home anymore.]
- If you live with other people, solicit their help if you can do so without it becoming a battle of wills or a means of "beating you up" for what you haven't done.
- If it doesn't guilt you out or make you feel inadequate watch shows like Neat [Linked below]. It may inspire you, even if you can't carry out your inspiring action to the same scale as they do on the show. All the same, you might get some terrific ideas for what you can do with your own space.
- Be honest in your self-assessments. Sometimes I really am being lazy; sometimes I really can't do it; sometimes I really do need help; sometimes I just want some company.
- Remember that it probably took a while for the mess to build up and it's going to take a while to bring it back down into your comfort range. It's much easier to accomplish in small increments.
- Expect that it will be a two steps forward and one step back kind or process. Housework is like that even at the best of times. Still, even small efforts can provide you with a very necessary sense of accomplishment and a bit of beauty that can inspire you to keep going.
[ Link to Neat: http://www.neattv.com/ ]
Thanks SE. Some VERY PRACTICAL advice from someone who knows what it's like.
I appreciate it very much, and there's some familiar stuff in there.
Thank you for not just dismissing me because I'm uncomfortable to deal with.
When I post something on Shrink Rap, I tend to do so w/the following question in mind: Would I still post exactly this if they were non-professionals discussing psych stuff? And the answer is Yes.
Now, sometimes, because their blog IS from an iatrist point of view, of course my responses are going to reflect that, but I'm not seeking medical advice, direction, counsel, therapy, or whatnot from them.
Just to clear that up, in case they are reading.
Glad you enjoyed the practicalities, sarebear. I can certainly identify with the dilemma. I've been slowly working at restoring order to my own household but I'm doing so in incremental fashion tucked in between pockets of being a living, breathing, working, parenting, married, unfriend-less human being. In other words, it's coming along -- slowly, but surely. My home will never make it to the pages of "House Beautiful" but it does feel productive and more positive to be in more orderly surroundings.
Re: Shrink Rap
Now, sometimes, because their blog IS from an iatrist point of view, of course my responses are going to reflect that, but I'm not seeking medical advice, direction, counsel, therapy, or whatnot from them.
I hesitate to speak for them but I have a hunch the concern is that they're professionals and maybe anything that could be construed as actual advice could be held against them if it was "stated" at their blog, (or at least create the fear that it "might"). It can probably be a little dicey to determine the fine line between "that which is dialogue" and "that which is advice". Truth is, my response to your comments likely played an equal or greater role in the determination.
That said, I didn't think you were seeking medical advice as much as you were sharing a personal experience. I don't think it was your intention to create discomfort nor was it mine to do the same when I responded. All the same, I'm not that comfortable myself with the idea that the only "advice" you can be given is to "talk to your doctor" when that individual doesn't seem seem to be very sensitive to your needs, let alone respectful of your essential personage. I suppose the critical difference is that I'm saying that as one human being to another, not as a "professional" to someone who could potentially be a "client" who might later sue me if they decide they don't like my advice.
Nonetheless, you're still left with the situation with your own doc to deal with. I'm hopeful that he's receptive to hearing what you have to say when you see him next, and that you're able to find the courage to say what you feel will best help you. In an earlier entry I noticed you said you were a bit nervous about that upcoming encounter. It might be helpful to remember that conflict is merely an indication that a corrective measure is required; bringing conflict out into the open can often build intimacy and trust if it's handled respectfully between both parties. Who knows, after your next appointment you might decide that your "iatrist" is fabulous. Or you might not. Regardless of what any "professional" or "non-professional" could say, you're the only one who could possibly know whether you're comfortable in that relationship or not.
My name is Karen Tobin and i would like to show you my personal experience with Neurontin.
I have taken for 4 months. I am 54 years old. Was taking 1800 mg per day for pain, numbness and scalp soreness. It helped immensely and right now am weaning off of it taking 300mg two times daily with no noticeable side effects.
I have experienced some of these side effects-
Drowsiness and dizziness.
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Karen Tobin
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