Wow . . . He DID participate WITH me and not just AT me . . .

Actor Crush of the Day: Another one? Hmm. Liam Neeson. I've got a Jedi craving today . . .

Wow. That was a FREAKIN' AWESOME appointment.

That isn't to say I wasn't presented with some very hurtful and difficult things. The hurtful things, though, the extremely EXTREMELY hurtful, mostly inaccurate and even inclusive of skewed perceptions and things that ARE NOT TRUE . . . are from a so-called "friend" who spoke with him on the phone. He, of course, couldn't even acknowledge that I was a patient of his, but he could talk with her about what information she was giving.

OH MY HELL. FRIEND my ass. FRIENDS do not do/think/feel/deceive like this one. She's actually the one who hooked me up with both mental health professionals, and I'll always be grateful. And I guess we have a friendship, of a sort, but I no longer trust her. HELL NO. I can't even figure out where she came up with some of the stuff she thinks/feels about me, some of the stuff she related as fact that I am completely confused about and hurt by . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It was REALLY HARD to hear. Dr. Brinley was actually really impressed with how I handled it, and listened and took it in. That made me feel good, when he said that. I will have to process and FEEL, FEEL alot of pain and other unpleasant crud, about the stuff from her, that also regarded some other people whom I had, but now will not, trust. Yes, I need to check out things with them, in the interests of healthy relationships and me not mind-reading and jumping to conclusions and other stuff, but . . . OH MY HELL . . . hell being a good word for this. I will have to sort out the wheat from the chaff, even if the wheat, the difficult things she had to say about me that hold partial truth or some merit, and the FEW things, difficult as they may be, that may hold complete truth, are horribly painful for me. (Depending on what one means by truth, but they may be the truth of our interactions and my behavior with her; a VERY few of the things she said, though, hold that much truth and reality . . .).

Still, my ability to even approach the idea that some of what she said may have REAL applicability to me, IS a strong thing about me.

Anyway, the appointment was HARD, but less hard in some ways I had feared, MORE hard in others, and VERY SURPRISING in quite a few aspects, and ASTONISHINGLY what I could barely have hoped for as the best, in others.

WOW.

I am hurting, and DEEPLY. And feeling betrayed . . . . but none of this about Dr. B. It's all about the "friend" and co. How could this even be . . . I am feeling SO SO SO like people in this ward (my local LDS congregation, for those of you not familiar with Mormon-speak) are HUGE hypocrites, coming off all righteous and humble and we are so happy to do and be this with and for you and stuff . . . . when apparently, BEHIND MY BACK, THEY HAVE said hurtful things, things about how they feel about my interactions with them, VERY NEGATIVE things . . . how the hell dare they pretend to be what they pretend to be? HOW THE HELL CAN THEY EVEN LOOK ME IN THE FACE the few times I manage to successfully fight the bipolar, anxiety disorders, agoraphobia, and medication tiredness, to get to church . . . and how DARE they, how COULD they even act like they are my friends AND ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE ME . . . when, in fact, they have done and said these things and felt these bad things to this "friend".

I AM SO HURTING INSIDE. IT HURTS, SO BADLY IT HURTS. SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!

But, as regards the appointment . . . . . WOW. It was VERY VERY VERY intense . . . but I am so glad that he is not rejecting me, that HE sees progress, that HE knows I am moving forward with things . . . that HE knows I want to get better, that HE knows I am working on it, that HE knows I am the way I am because it was survival mechanisms from when I was younger and the only way I could get through . . . .

EDITED: HOW DARE THEY REJECT ME (for the things they are rejecting me for, that they said they'd be understanding and accepting of me for . . . . It is their right and privilege, though . . . but I AM THE ILL ONE, HERE, AND THEY ARE NOT (they said they'd be accepting of me and my illnesses and see ME, and stuff) . . . WHY can't they see the Sara who is TRYING so DAMN hard . . . it HURTS so bad how MUCH AND HARD I TRY!

Sorry to have gone on so long. VERY VERY VERY good and connected with him appointment. He acknowledged that he may have miscommunicated some stuff, and that we've had misunderstandings. HE ACKNOWLEDGED his part in things. That made me feel really good, too.

Thanks for reading so far. I've got some hurting to feel, and stuff to process and I don't know how to get through this but for now I have to really let myself FEEL what's going on with me, and be PRESENT and take it IN and ABSORB it, and mull it over and think and feel and figure out. Instead of tucking it away and not feeling.

I'm not wallowing, though. I have to experience it if I'm ever going to get THROUGH it. The way out is THROUGH, and unfortunately, the way, the path, is involving alot of hard stuff and PAIN. So what else is knew . . .(I did that on purpose . . .)