Maybe all those years of Barry Manilow have finally sunk in?
If I was in an online game right now, I'd do /giggle self . . . . .
I do seem to have been a bit med-focused lately, but it's been sort of our own little medical ward here lately it has felt like.
Like a medical tv show, only more boring.
The panic attack was triggered by a question regarding any conditions I or husband (dd's father) may have, at the end of the Instacare appointment (she was throwing up as he entered the room, thus the history occuring at the end). By this time I had repeated dd's bronchitis story 3+ times in less than an hour so I started mechanically listing stuff off, "Oh geez, let's see - bipolar, OCD, agoraphobia, panic disorder . .. . . " yada yada, more stuff, and then I got to the knee and mentioned that, and the recent arhtroscopy, and the diagnosis, that was said to be because of genetics, and extremely bad, unpredictable, extremely early osteoarthritis, etc.
Anyway, that's pretty much about the gist, maybe not the exact words, but basically what I said, and the quantity thereof, but when I got to the knee part I just started crying; not SOBBING, just tears started rolling as I kept talking, and I became emotional - I was embarrased about that, but kept going with trying to answer his question as briefly as I felt I could. I was pretty brief! And you know how I can go on.
I get overwhelmed easily, though - listing off all my conditions like that, especially after explaining what had been going on with my daughter over, and over, and over . . . . and then at the end, not being able to control my emotion (the doctor was very kind, he was standing actually near me, I was sitting, obviously it's not been a month yet since surgery, although it's getting there) and he put his hand on my shoulder in empathy and understanding - I believe he could tell I was embarrassed about my tears, as well as that obviously I had just seen the results of a difficult diagnosis, seen inside my knee, and all that.
So, he finishes up with a cheery statement about, "But, your daughter is going to be just fine, so that's GREAT!", and gives me an encouraging (but non-patronizing) smile, tells us we're done, can go, reiterates some instructions, and then is gone.
We're quickly back out in the waiting area, waiting for our ride home, and it's been 5 mins or less since the emotions came out, and I have the panic attack. I feel like an idiot about the whole interaction there, at the end of the appointment. Or I felt like it, anyway, to a large degree (I've since discussed it in therapy, as well as having applied some techniques at the time and afterwards to try to counter and cope with the attack, etc.)
All you would have seen is a mother and daughter, the daughter having fun looking at fish, and a stressed out, tired and perhaps pained-looking mom, with tears rolling down her cheeks. Perhaps looking tense or really tense, I am unsure exactly of quite how I looked, but I do know that I was able to "contain the damage", or keep the attack from escalating, in one area, by telling myself that really all I looked like was someone sitting there silently crying.
I just hate that it makes no sense.
Panic attacks, or the "little" "things" one panics over. I'm not a robot tho, nor am I an entirely emotional being, without logic or/nor intellect. Sometimes the conflict between the two can lead to a panic attack. The problem(s) with balance(ing)(es) can and do often lead to panic attack(s) as well.
Balance. Something I've never, ever, EVER been good at.
Guess this post doesn't sound mellow!
I did want to fulfill my promise to talk about the panic attack, though!
I'm si5tting here, with the door open, soaking up the late aftenoon sun, enjoying the day, and just FEELING it, and feeling mellow.
I also had a really good therapy session earlier today. I postponed the appointment from earlier this week due to my daughter's illness. She was asleep with a 104 fever and had recently had medicine to bring it down, and I wasn't going to wake her up to drag her out so's hubby could drop me off for therapy. So I called and canceled, apologizing with a short explanation and asking for a reschedule. Sometimes as a parent you have those choices. Plus I don't have a driver's license, and even if you ignored that, I recently had surgery, so driving wouldn't be a good idea, especially with a stick shift.
Anyway, think of the Sheryl Crow song, "I'm Gonna Soak Up Some Sun" or whatever it's called, and that's what I'm doing, and mellowing out. Oh, and listening to all the hoopla over the American Idol top three finalist, Archuletta (I always mix up his first name w/someone else's) being HERE, in Salt Lake City, today. The kid can sing, that's for sure.
Gonna go read a magazine outside in the sunshine! See ya'll!
Friday, May 09, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Is there a House (M.D.) in the Anesthesiologist?
Yes indeedy.
At my post-op appointment a week after surgery with my orthopaedic surgeon, his first question was "Did you have any problems with the staff?".
I do not know if this is a routine question, but I thought it curious of him to ask that right off the bat . . . . it just so happened that I had had a problem, as several readers may know who attended a Dr. Anonymous BlogTalkRadio Show a few days after my surgery. There's a chat room there associated with the show, and the listeners chat amongst each other as the show goes on, sometimes about things unrelated to the show and of course quite often and most likely about things mentioned in, related to, and/or regarding the show or it's topics, and/or Dr. Anonymous or his guest(s)/caller(s).
Anyway, regarding the Anesthesiologist referred to in the title, and that I had a problem with when I responded to my surgeon's question above, here's what happened that bothered me.
I had been prepped for surgery, and the anesthesiologist came in to the prep area and started his part of things, and started asking questions, his first being, "Did you take your meds this morning?" I responded, "Yes", and he replied with something like, "Good girl. Even the psych meds?" I said, "Yes." He replied, "Good! That's so I can stand to be around you!".
Now, I understand that this MAY have been in jest; earlier, my surgeon had been in, and I had declared my nervousness - he had said, "The good news is, I'm not!" - This made me smile as well as helped relieve my nervousness too! Some joking around and such can be helpful to relieve anxiety and such, and so perhaps the anesthesiologist was just trying to be funny, part of me can see that, and can see that perhaps he just ended up being "funny" in a way that, in the very least, is insensitive, if not outright offensive, judgmental, prejudicial, crass, boorish, cruel, arrogant, and narcissistic, among other things.
The thing is, he repeated that last offensive sentence or its equivalent one more time a few minutes later, and perhaps one more time, before leaving the prep area. I feebly joked about my sleep-punching, I suppose in a passive-aggressive way of trying to sort of "defend" myself from this horrid attack upon myself that I felt. Of course, this man was going to be in charge of me whilst I was under anesthesia, of which I was very aware, so I just did not say much of anything, or tell him what I thought of what he had said to me or of his manner (he seemed to act rather brash, arrogant, and narcissistically with and to the nurses, orderly-types, and other operating-type assistants moving about the prep and operating areas and corriders as well, so while I tried to think the best of him and think it was just an insensitive stumble of a joke, his manner and the repetition of it kind of led me to think otherwise . . .. .)
The man's grandiose manner possibly did not leave room for any awareness on his part that he had caused any offense at all - that possibility I was also aware of. That is okay. Should I have further procedures requiring anesthesia there, I will request, if it is possible to do so beforehand, a different anesthesiologist.
It occurs to me also, though, on the one hand, the most important quality in an anesthesiologist is, well, how good is he or she at anesthesiology? Doesn't matter if his or her personality is as narcisisstic as Narcissus himself (of mythology), or as bland as plain white rice . . . . can they do the job WELL, do they know the unusual rare things that can happen and what to do if so (no one knows everything but to a reasonable degree), do they handle themselves expertly under pressure and emergency, do they handle themselves well with colleagues in the operating environment (which IS where personality would play a role, in a manner, but other people have to obey him, so his arrogance fits there, I suppose . . . . I dunno) . ..
Then again, since I watch the television medical drama House from time to time (not because some of the dreadful things he says are acceptable - the opposite, in fact, is the case - twas unusual from my Mormon perspective to see him have a "go" at a Mormon character - there aren't too many of those on TV, I suspect it was because of the Presidential race - he used comments as unacceptable as those he's used with his Jewish associate(s) or underlings . . . . in a way, he treated them the same across the board, but none of the despicable comments and treatment were acceptable. I think this show tries to SHOW that, in his extreme behavior. I enjoy the medical mysteries, though.
In my answer to my orthopaedic surgeon regarding any problem(s) I'd had with any staff member(s), I replied in the affirmative, he inquired as to who, I replied with the anesthesiologist's name (he did not look surprised), he asked why (although seemed to know before I said anything that it was going to be that the guy was a jerk) and I explained. My phrasing of what the anesthesiologist said is a bit off - it was actually WORSE than what I put above, but as time goes on, I just can't remember - things that send me into a shock of some kind, emotionally at the time, I have a hard time remembering later. I believe PeggiKaye or someone else from Dr. A's show from that week might remember better than I, at this point. I was still in shock, at that point.
I'll update on knee later, let me just say an ultrasound on lower left leg for DVT (blood clot) suspected, turned out negative for any, YAY!!!!
p.s. I could go another decade w/out typing anesthesiologist that's a long word lol w. lots of vowels s's etc. lol. Please chime in with what you think about this.
At my post-op appointment a week after surgery with my orthopaedic surgeon, his first question was "Did you have any problems with the staff?".
I do not know if this is a routine question, but I thought it curious of him to ask that right off the bat . . . . it just so happened that I had had a problem, as several readers may know who attended a Dr. Anonymous BlogTalkRadio Show a few days after my surgery. There's a chat room there associated with the show, and the listeners chat amongst each other as the show goes on, sometimes about things unrelated to the show and of course quite often and most likely about things mentioned in, related to, and/or regarding the show or it's topics, and/or Dr. Anonymous or his guest(s)/caller(s).
Anyway, regarding the Anesthesiologist referred to in the title, and that I had a problem with when I responded to my surgeon's question above, here's what happened that bothered me.
I had been prepped for surgery, and the anesthesiologist came in to the prep area and started his part of things, and started asking questions, his first being, "Did you take your meds this morning?" I responded, "Yes", and he replied with something like, "Good girl. Even the psych meds?" I said, "Yes." He replied, "Good! That's so I can stand to be around you!".
Now, I understand that this MAY have been in jest; earlier, my surgeon had been in, and I had declared my nervousness - he had said, "The good news is, I'm not!" - This made me smile as well as helped relieve my nervousness too! Some joking around and such can be helpful to relieve anxiety and such, and so perhaps the anesthesiologist was just trying to be funny, part of me can see that, and can see that perhaps he just ended up being "funny" in a way that, in the very least, is insensitive, if not outright offensive, judgmental, prejudicial, crass, boorish, cruel, arrogant, and narcissistic, among other things.
The thing is, he repeated that last offensive sentence or its equivalent one more time a few minutes later, and perhaps one more time, before leaving the prep area. I feebly joked about my sleep-punching, I suppose in a passive-aggressive way of trying to sort of "defend" myself from this horrid attack upon myself that I felt. Of course, this man was going to be in charge of me whilst I was under anesthesia, of which I was very aware, so I just did not say much of anything, or tell him what I thought of what he had said to me or of his manner (he seemed to act rather brash, arrogant, and narcissistically with and to the nurses, orderly-types, and other operating-type assistants moving about the prep and operating areas and corriders as well, so while I tried to think the best of him and think it was just an insensitive stumble of a joke, his manner and the repetition of it kind of led me to think otherwise . . .. .)
The man's grandiose manner possibly did not leave room for any awareness on his part that he had caused any offense at all - that possibility I was also aware of. That is okay. Should I have further procedures requiring anesthesia there, I will request, if it is possible to do so beforehand, a different anesthesiologist.
It occurs to me also, though, on the one hand, the most important quality in an anesthesiologist is, well, how good is he or she at anesthesiology? Doesn't matter if his or her personality is as narcisisstic as Narcissus himself (of mythology), or as bland as plain white rice . . . . can they do the job WELL, do they know the unusual rare things that can happen and what to do if so (no one knows everything but to a reasonable degree), do they handle themselves expertly under pressure and emergency, do they handle themselves well with colleagues in the operating environment (which IS where personality would play a role, in a manner, but other people have to obey him, so his arrogance fits there, I suppose . . . . I dunno) . ..
Then again, since I watch the television medical drama House from time to time (not because some of the dreadful things he says are acceptable - the opposite, in fact, is the case - twas unusual from my Mormon perspective to see him have a "go" at a Mormon character - there aren't too many of those on TV, I suspect it was because of the Presidential race - he used comments as unacceptable as those he's used with his Jewish associate(s) or underlings . . . . in a way, he treated them the same across the board, but none of the despicable comments and treatment were acceptable. I think this show tries to SHOW that, in his extreme behavior. I enjoy the medical mysteries, though.
In my answer to my orthopaedic surgeon regarding any problem(s) I'd had with any staff member(s), I replied in the affirmative, he inquired as to who, I replied with the anesthesiologist's name (he did not look surprised), he asked why (although seemed to know before I said anything that it was going to be that the guy was a jerk) and I explained. My phrasing of what the anesthesiologist said is a bit off - it was actually WORSE than what I put above, but as time goes on, I just can't remember - things that send me into a shock of some kind, emotionally at the time, I have a hard time remembering later. I believe PeggiKaye or someone else from Dr. A's show from that week might remember better than I, at this point. I was still in shock, at that point.
I'll update on knee later, let me just say an ultrasound on lower left leg for DVT (blood clot) suspected, turned out negative for any, YAY!!!!
p.s. I could go another decade w/out typing anesthesiologist that's a long word lol w. lots of vowels s's etc. lol. Please chime in with what you think about this.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Just a Quackie
I don't want the kind of hits I'd get if I titled the post something else, so I borrowed Shrink Rap's duck for a few. I don't think they mind . . .
Anyway, perhaps more later, if I haven't lost MY mind first.
Tomorrow's schedule is looking a bit nuts.
8:00 am - psychologist (technically today he is still on vacation, but given the circumstances, he called me back and even would have seen me today but our answering machine light didn't show the new msg so by the time I got his later call it was too late to be seen today - because of extenuating circumstances he was more than willing to get me in as soon as we could. Weds. I'd be groggy and less than 24 hrs since surgery, probably too soon, because here's the next part of the schedule -
8:50-9:00 Finish appt. (Sometimes he gives the extra time, highly likely this time given situation.)
9-10 am run a few last minute errands perhaps, drop state taxes off in the mail (that I'm finishing up in a few minutes from now {today/Monday}, although of course I'll be e-filing the federal}, because I've been afraid to address the stupid out of the normal back pay SSI stuff, broken down into three separate years which I finally have the information regarding the individual amounts by year, received recently.
11:30 - Show up to Ortho Surgical Center (Hopefully be in surgery by 12:30? Not sure how long before I am?)
Not sure what happens next, besides the pain part.
Weds. my parents are up to help, as my hubby has to work. Tues my MIL is there waiting with my hubby as they operate, also one of the two can get dd from school . . . . . Yay for family!!!!
Thursday I have a psychiatrist appointment. That's gonna be fun. More pain. In the knee, I mean, if I wasn't clear.
Lots of appointments! And lots of stuff all at once. I may have more later, maybe.
Making lots o'calls today. Besides thank goodness for family, thank goodness for an empathetic psychologist, who is willing to work with me in an unusual situation at the end of his vacation to get me seen, especially with a lot of potentials for panic attacks ramping up that I've been fighting (have some things/strategies and plans in place and activities and other stuff I might talk about later today, or some other time, about what I have thought through and planned to help fight that panic as I sit there at the clinic, waiting, etc., . . . . hopefully these helps will be helpful!!!!)
TTFN, Perhaps Later.
If I don't "see" you guys again though until after my knee thing, wish me luck (yeah, it's only an arthroscopy, but to me I have this maze of fears and all sorts of things I have to fight and plan out and fight and figure out if I can handle and stuff . . . it's not JUST a routine thing, for me . . . . it's a whole host of a bunch of things I have to deal with, for me. A whole bunch of battles, that I have to face and fight and march through, and fight, and and and etc.
See ya!
Anyway, perhaps more later, if I haven't lost MY mind first.
Tomorrow's schedule is looking a bit nuts.
8:00 am - psychologist (technically today he is still on vacation, but given the circumstances, he called me back and even would have seen me today but our answering machine light didn't show the new msg so by the time I got his later call it was too late to be seen today - because of extenuating circumstances he was more than willing to get me in as soon as we could. Weds. I'd be groggy and less than 24 hrs since surgery, probably too soon, because here's the next part of the schedule -
8:50-9:00 Finish appt. (Sometimes he gives the extra time, highly likely this time given situation.)
9-10 am run a few last minute errands perhaps, drop state taxes off in the mail (that I'm finishing up in a few minutes from now {today/Monday}, although of course I'll be e-filing the federal}, because I've been afraid to address the stupid out of the normal back pay SSI stuff, broken down into three separate years which I finally have the information regarding the individual amounts by year, received recently.
11:30 - Show up to Ortho Surgical Center (Hopefully be in surgery by 12:30? Not sure how long before I am?)
Not sure what happens next, besides the pain part.
Weds. my parents are up to help, as my hubby has to work. Tues my MIL is there waiting with my hubby as they operate, also one of the two can get dd from school . . . . . Yay for family!!!!
Thursday I have a psychiatrist appointment. That's gonna be fun. More pain. In the knee, I mean, if I wasn't clear.
Lots of appointments! And lots of stuff all at once. I may have more later, maybe.
Making lots o'calls today. Besides thank goodness for family, thank goodness for an empathetic psychologist, who is willing to work with me in an unusual situation at the end of his vacation to get me seen, especially with a lot of potentials for panic attacks ramping up that I've been fighting (have some things/strategies and plans in place and activities and other stuff I might talk about later today, or some other time, about what I have thought through and planned to help fight that panic as I sit there at the clinic, waiting, etc., . . . . hopefully these helps will be helpful!!!!)
TTFN, Perhaps Later.
If I don't "see" you guys again though until after my knee thing, wish me luck (yeah, it's only an arthroscopy, but to me I have this maze of fears and all sorts of things I have to fight and plan out and fight and figure out if I can handle and stuff . . . it's not JUST a routine thing, for me . . . . it's a whole host of a bunch of things I have to deal with, for me. A whole bunch of battles, that I have to face and fight and march through, and fight, and and and etc.
See ya!
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Pressure and I, Well, We're Like Matter & AntiMatter . . . .
Put me together with alot of pressure and something is gonna explode, some way, somewhere. I'm not saying that in a way of, oh, it's just gonna happen, I can't help it, but in a, I've fought my whole life, and I REALLY FIGHT HARD when I'm under pressure, but hell when everything's falling to pieces um I'm kinda doing alot trying to grab hold of things already starting to shoot off in different directions already . . . . . dunno if I can keep the lid on, guess we'll see.
Anyway, more tomorrow.
You may not know, but I have an arthroscopy on Tuesday. Not sure what time yet, he does his shoulders (as they put it) first, I'll find out tomorrow what time, and tomorrow we'll work thru about specifics on which of my meds to maybe take and not take (cause, um one of my morning meds is a stimulant, that's not so good for general anesthesia, I'd bet . . . . lol).
Arthroscopy may not sound like much to many of you, but it's alot to me, especially considering what the likely next step will be, etc, although I'm not sure as to the timeline of that "next" step.
Anyway, more tomorrow, lots to do.
LOTS of pressure. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. I don't do pressure. I try with all my being. EVERY time. Despite the I don't do pressure thing, I still throw mywhole self at it, because that's what I do, and still I . . . well that leads nowhere good, so I'll stop. For now. Psychologically, I'm not in a good place, and I haven't seen the psychologist last week, he was on vacation, and the week before that I hadn't been scheduled for this surgery yet, and now it's scheduled right for when we'd usually meet . . . . so that's all screwed up too . . . (he's very understanding tho, I've left him a message.)
Hopefully I can see him later in the week; I already have a psychiatrist appt. for two days after surgery, that I had long before I knew I'd be having outpatient surgery. The ortho people said it's fine to go out and stuff by then so that's good (except the pain part.)
Ok, ramble over, see ya tomorrow. I'm having a tough time, think, pray, whatever of, about me, whatever, cross fingers, k? I'd appreciate it.
p.s. my word verify is poovil(dh) ha
Anyway, more tomorrow.
You may not know, but I have an arthroscopy on Tuesday. Not sure what time yet, he does his shoulders (as they put it) first, I'll find out tomorrow what time, and tomorrow we'll work thru about specifics on which of my meds to maybe take and not take (cause, um one of my morning meds is a stimulant, that's not so good for general anesthesia, I'd bet . . . . lol).
Arthroscopy may not sound like much to many of you, but it's alot to me, especially considering what the likely next step will be, etc, although I'm not sure as to the timeline of that "next" step.
Anyway, more tomorrow, lots to do.
LOTS of pressure. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots. I don't do pressure. I try with all my being. EVERY time. Despite the I don't do pressure thing, I still throw mywhole self at it, because that's what I do, and still I . . . well that leads nowhere good, so I'll stop. For now. Psychologically, I'm not in a good place, and I haven't seen the psychologist last week, he was on vacation, and the week before that I hadn't been scheduled for this surgery yet, and now it's scheduled right for when we'd usually meet . . . . so that's all screwed up too . . . (he's very understanding tho, I've left him a message.)
Hopefully I can see him later in the week; I already have a psychiatrist appt. for two days after surgery, that I had long before I knew I'd be having outpatient surgery. The ortho people said it's fine to go out and stuff by then so that's good (except the pain part.)
Ok, ramble over, see ya tomorrow. I'm having a tough time, think, pray, whatever of, about me, whatever, cross fingers, k? I'd appreciate it.
p.s. my word verify is poovil(dh) ha
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
An Approximation of What My Psychiatrist Looks Like
I was browsing through Flickr one day, when I happened upon this fine photo of some "dressed up" gasoline pumps.
Amusing, colorful, bright, and fun, I thought, for such usually mundane objects.
I do not mean any of this to imply that my psychiatrist is gassy, nor full of hot air, although he does tend to go on and on . . . .but that isn't why this photo reminded me of him.
The more prominent gasoline pump, the masculine one, if you will - the one on the left, in the foreground - a closer representation of my psychiatrist in gas station pumpery I daresay you will never find.
Save for the fact that this particular pump is represented in what appears to be a, perhaps, 70's style "leisure suit", which my psychiatrist has not been seen to wear in my presence (I do not think any clothing that even involves the word "suit" has passed his way in quite some time, but then again, I only see him at his office, so how do I know!), it represents him rather well . . . . .
He's kinda hippie-ish, although he doesn't exactly dress like a hippie. His hair kinda fits that, hippie-ish thing, though.
Anyway, if you wanted to know what my psychiatrist looks like, there you go.
Amusing, colorful, bright, and fun, I thought, for such usually mundane objects.
I do not mean any of this to imply that my psychiatrist is gassy, nor full of hot air, although he does tend to go on and on . . . .but that isn't why this photo reminded me of him.
The more prominent gasoline pump, the masculine one, if you will - the one on the left, in the foreground - a closer representation of my psychiatrist in gas station pumpery I daresay you will never find.
Save for the fact that this particular pump is represented in what appears to be a, perhaps, 70's style "leisure suit", which my psychiatrist has not been seen to wear in my presence (I do not think any clothing that even involves the word "suit" has passed his way in quite some time, but then again, I only see him at his office, so how do I know!), it represents him rather well . . . . .
He's kinda hippie-ish, although he doesn't exactly dress like a hippie. His hair kinda fits that, hippie-ish thing, though.
Anyway, if you wanted to know what my psychiatrist looks like, there you go.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Some Lawyers Really SUCK (Sorry Stephen!), and SS Disability Stuff
So, today I finally get around to doing something I've been procrastinating - calling my "good 'ole" disability lawyer's office.
Why, you may be thinking, would I need to call them?
Well, as I've been working on my taxes (this is the latest by far, for as long as I can remember, that we've done our taxes - we usually do them in late January or the first few days of February!
The awarding of SSI, including back pay covering the years 2003 through 2006 (since the regular monthly payments started at the beginning of last year) being paid in two different lump sum installments last year kind of complicates our taxes a bit. I had thought perhaps Social Security would send us some kind of a statement, like my parents get, but they didn't.
So, I thought to call the disability lawyer's office, figuring that if they didn't know how much of the back pay was for each of the "back" years, then they could at least direct me to the appropriate person or sub-department at the local level Social Security offices that they deal with all the time, that have the people who handle the cases like mine on an ongoing basis who could help me with this information.
Apparently, about a month after the Judge made his decision, there was a mailing that was very detailed (yep, aLOT of legalese, and I DID read through it, although I had to take breaks every half-page or so, despite it's being double-spaced, or my head would have exploded, lol!). I knew it was, and would be, VERY important for me to understand what was being said, and what it would mean for me, and what it MEANT.
I do not recall any list or break-down of how the back-pay sum(s) (there were two, one to be paid very early in 2007, the other, later in the year) were made up of the SSI they owed me and were now paying me, from '03, '04, '05, and '06. I did not see any amounts shown by year, like that - just the two back-pay amount installments that were to be paid at two different points in 2007, covering the SSI payments from 2003 through 2006.
Now, reporting these amounts broken out by year shouldn't affect my old taxes, because there's a threshold at which the SSI doesn't get taxed at all, and I'm pretty well certain that it's such a pitiful amount, especially with our very low income, that there's no way it'd be taxed. Then again, when you get into the years when we started getting the EIC . . . who knows. I DO know though, that STILL there is that THRESHOLD that must be gone over first before the social security starts getting taxed, at anywhere from 20% of the amount of it being able to be taxed, to up to 80% of it being able to be taxed.
Anyway, that's a side trip that's not really the point at the moment.
The point is, I called the disability lawyer's office. Over the course of time, especially in the last 6-8 months, I've come to the conclusion that I was not competent to make the decision that I was asked to make at the hearing, that I was under alot of pressure to make, and, (pardon the language here mom, but it fits) as a quote from a movie that fits particularly well here, for anyone who's seen "How to Lose a Man in 10 Days", I Call Bullshit when he says there was no pressure from him. Oh HELL yeah there was, it may have been couched in legalese and with disclaimers of we can go forward and make appeals and of course I am at your service and we don't have to give up your right to appeal and yada yada xyz, (of course, I do understand it's his job to lay things out, and lay things out like, as things stand, with what the judge is saying and has just said, and what the expert has said and has decided, and what they said just now, the only way you will get any money right now would be SSI only, and that only, would be if you give up your right to any appeal, etc. I do understand he had to lay that out, it's his job. There's other stuff about how he was, and crap, that I believe was pressuring. Besides, he's got incentive to be; he doesn't get paid unless we win some sort of monetary award.)
Anyway, I made an OFFHAND remark about how I didn't feel like I was competent to have made that decision and HOO BOY does he go into CYA mode, and BAM the . . .what's the word (major aphasia problems the last few days, as my in-laws and hubby can attest), the word for that ironwork gate that can slam down in the front archway of a castle after you've come over the drawbridge that can be raised and lowered? Ugh, see how long it took to type that, and I STILL can't come up with the word!!!!
Oh, man, does he get so aggress and just start ATTACKING me like I'm some hostile witness on the stand, on Law and Order or something . . . I felt like I was pinned under a fusillade of arrows (see, I can come up with a word like fusillade!!! woot!!!)
I'm still very emotional about it, and crying now . . . geez. He was all like, no one adjudicated you incompentent to make that decision, I didn't adjudicate you incompentent to blah blah whatever . . . . (and I was sitting here stunned, on the other end of the phone . . . . there'd never been any question as to my compentence about going to the hearing or anything . . . of course, I've always known I don't do well under pressure, but this decision, that he asked the judge permission for to take us aside, outside of the formal hearing room for . . . . it was one of those do or die moments, it was one of those . . . um, DAMN HIGH PRESSURE things . . . There was ALOT of pressure, I reiterated to this LAWYER.
Anyway, eventually I said, look. I'm sitting here in alot of pain (because I was, and I am, my knees are killing me, they've almost collapsed under me in non-painful moments recently), there's been several deaths in the family, I've had a new, far-reaching unpleasant diagnosis, I'm NOT mad at you, in fact I think of you fondly (I don't know if that last one is a lie; sometimes my me-ness retreats into the back of my head and I'm not there anymore and the rest of me operates on automatic because I can't cope, I just can't . . .ok, here I go again, tearing up . . . damnit . . .) I just had to get him to stop. I also pictured him working up some paperwork JIC (just in case I should ever decide to sue him for malpractice or something, you could tell he was thinkin it, he was certainly attacking me!!! geez.)
Anyway, I then gave him a compliment of some sort, I can't remember what it was, but all of a sudden he went from this . . . picture a hairy bear of a monster, teeth and claws and impossibly wide tall open devouring mouth like a cavern open to devour and then transformed into a pleasant human being, southern gentleman charm, slight accent and all, like a switch had been flipped; the geniality, the friendliness and cordiality, . . . . . this, too, was jarring and creepy in it's own way, as to how suddenly it was there, although it was soothing as well and I think I kinda unretreated from the back of my head a bit (not sure that's the best description, but then again since I wasn't all there (um, that could probably lead to some jokes, lol) I'm not exactly sure how to describe it anyway.
Part of me understands, that since lawyers are trained in legal stuff, they naturally think defensively, but STILL. I wouldn't sue a fly! Geez. I don't hate the guy, and I think in large part it's the system that has built some incentive into for the disability laywers to have some incentive to act, perhaps unconsciously or not-so unconsciouly depending on the integrity of the lawyer (this one seems to have more than others I've seen advertised, at any rate) in their own interests to some degree - they do NOT get paid unless they win a monetary award of some kind, which, I think, may lead to some compromises that may not always be in the best interests of the client.
Whether or not the compromise in this case was in my best interests . . . . I don't know. I am not sure further appeals would have done any good, although I do know that both the judge and the expert flat-out IGNORED evidence from my family doctor that was BEFORE the dates that ended eligibility for full social security disability . . . . .
Anyway, it's in the past.
Hakuna Matata? That can be a good or a bad phrase, depending on how it's used, when, how, and why, I suppose. In the movie, not so good.
At least my behind, is in my past. Reverse that (channelling my inner Willy Wonka, and the word-mess-ups in this paragraph were all a-purpose, cause I needed some humor!)
Well, I guess this post also had some broader commentary on the Social Security disability application, hearing, adjudication, SSI, payment, and back-pay processes, as well as some more personal discussion of some of my experiences, which I've been meaning to discuss, anyway.
It also occurred to me, as I was typing, that I know it's probably wise to never say never in regards to reserving one's rights to further appeal in legal matters (or perhaps in regards to suing perhaps for the fact that I don't believe I was competent to be forced into making such an on-the-spot decision in such a pressured situation, which is exactly one of the things that sets off some of the mental health problems and disabilities of which they had just been browsing through in all their folders, ugh!!!) that my posting about this stuff could perhaps come back to bite me in the, er, proverbial behind (which is the past, hee hee), should I ever decide to pursue further appeals on the disability front . . . . but the process was so horrific, I can't foresee that.
It still might be unwise of me to post this, and I still feel that I was pressured, but I'm posting anyway.
What I'd like to happen the most out of this is that my experience be of some kind of help to others, whether in just reading about my struggles or in seeing a glimpse of the process, perhaps. I believe that this is far more likely to happen than a suit on the issue of competence or on the right to appeal.
As I say in the sidebar under Noodleheads regarding my friend Stephen of the blog Ethesis, he really does brighten up that whole Lawyer thing. There is hope in the legal world yet! They are not all people who can turn on you one second, and pull a bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers out of their sleeves the next.
The oddness of the call DID remind me of the inhuman jokes regarding lawyers that I'm assuming most people have heard, though. I guess lawyers need to perform in court, and being able to act, being able to turn different aspects of ones' self on and off, would probably be a handy trait to have, but geez, it was unnerving to be on the receiving end of, and I'm still MORE than unsettled by it!
The lawyer is sending me a copy of the paperwork that they say I have, that they say has the breakdown of the back-pay lump sums into year-by-year amounts, but they are sending me the paper anyway.
Yahoo!!!! I did what I've been putting off, and now it is done!
I phoned the knee doc and made an appointment, which is something I've been putting off as well.
Sorry to go on so long. Whew. I'm a bit emotionally wasted, perhaps I'll seek some online gaming out for relaxation . . . . . I'm PROUD AS HELL (sorry moms again . . .) that I came through that lawyer's barrage, even though I apparently checked out, during part of it. Gah, here come the tears! Ok, enough. Talk to you later, and yeah Stephen, I know you guys and gals in your profession aren't all like that.
Would you mind writing a guest post for me sometime? I'd be honored if you would! Your level of writing is just . . . . well, it's quite something, my friend.
*Note: I am not a lawyer, doctor, mental health practitioner or expert in any of those or any field referenced above or anything. Just a person with some troubles, blogging away.
Why, you may be thinking, would I need to call them?
Well, as I've been working on my taxes (this is the latest by far, for as long as I can remember, that we've done our taxes - we usually do them in late January or the first few days of February!
The awarding of SSI, including back pay covering the years 2003 through 2006 (since the regular monthly payments started at the beginning of last year) being paid in two different lump sum installments last year kind of complicates our taxes a bit. I had thought perhaps Social Security would send us some kind of a statement, like my parents get, but they didn't.
So, I thought to call the disability lawyer's office, figuring that if they didn't know how much of the back pay was for each of the "back" years, then they could at least direct me to the appropriate person or sub-department at the local level Social Security offices that they deal with all the time, that have the people who handle the cases like mine on an ongoing basis who could help me with this information.
Apparently, about a month after the Judge made his decision, there was a mailing that was very detailed (yep, aLOT of legalese, and I DID read through it, although I had to take breaks every half-page or so, despite it's being double-spaced, or my head would have exploded, lol!). I knew it was, and would be, VERY important for me to understand what was being said, and what it would mean for me, and what it MEANT.
I do not recall any list or break-down of how the back-pay sum(s) (there were two, one to be paid very early in 2007, the other, later in the year) were made up of the SSI they owed me and were now paying me, from '03, '04, '05, and '06. I did not see any amounts shown by year, like that - just the two back-pay amount installments that were to be paid at two different points in 2007, covering the SSI payments from 2003 through 2006.
Now, reporting these amounts broken out by year shouldn't affect my old taxes, because there's a threshold at which the SSI doesn't get taxed at all, and I'm pretty well certain that it's such a pitiful amount, especially with our very low income, that there's no way it'd be taxed. Then again, when you get into the years when we started getting the EIC . . . who knows. I DO know though, that STILL there is that THRESHOLD that must be gone over first before the social security starts getting taxed, at anywhere from 20% of the amount of it being able to be taxed, to up to 80% of it being able to be taxed.
Anyway, that's a side trip that's not really the point at the moment.
The point is, I called the disability lawyer's office. Over the course of time, especially in the last 6-8 months, I've come to the conclusion that I was not competent to make the decision that I was asked to make at the hearing, that I was under alot of pressure to make, and, (pardon the language here mom, but it fits) as a quote from a movie that fits particularly well here, for anyone who's seen "How to Lose a Man in 10 Days", I Call Bullshit when he says there was no pressure from him. Oh HELL yeah there was, it may have been couched in legalese and with disclaimers of we can go forward and make appeals and of course I am at your service and we don't have to give up your right to appeal and yada yada xyz, (of course, I do understand it's his job to lay things out, and lay things out like, as things stand, with what the judge is saying and has just said, and what the expert has said and has decided, and what they said just now, the only way you will get any money right now would be SSI only, and that only, would be if you give up your right to any appeal, etc. I do understand he had to lay that out, it's his job. There's other stuff about how he was, and crap, that I believe was pressuring. Besides, he's got incentive to be; he doesn't get paid unless we win some sort of monetary award.)
Anyway, I made an OFFHAND remark about how I didn't feel like I was competent to have made that decision and HOO BOY does he go into CYA mode, and BAM the . . .what's the word (major aphasia problems the last few days, as my in-laws and hubby can attest), the word for that ironwork gate that can slam down in the front archway of a castle after you've come over the drawbridge that can be raised and lowered? Ugh, see how long it took to type that, and I STILL can't come up with the word!!!!
Oh, man, does he get so aggress and just start ATTACKING me like I'm some hostile witness on the stand, on Law and Order or something . . . I felt like I was pinned under a fusillade of arrows (see, I can come up with a word like fusillade!!! woot!!!)
I'm still very emotional about it, and crying now . . . geez. He was all like, no one adjudicated you incompentent to make that decision, I didn't adjudicate you incompentent to blah blah whatever . . . . (and I was sitting here stunned, on the other end of the phone . . . . there'd never been any question as to my compentence about going to the hearing or anything . . . of course, I've always known I don't do well under pressure, but this decision, that he asked the judge permission for to take us aside, outside of the formal hearing room for . . . . it was one of those do or die moments, it was one of those . . . um, DAMN HIGH PRESSURE things . . . There was ALOT of pressure, I reiterated to this LAWYER.
Anyway, eventually I said, look. I'm sitting here in alot of pain (because I was, and I am, my knees are killing me, they've almost collapsed under me in non-painful moments recently), there's been several deaths in the family, I've had a new, far-reaching unpleasant diagnosis, I'm NOT mad at you, in fact I think of you fondly (I don't know if that last one is a lie; sometimes my me-ness retreats into the back of my head and I'm not there anymore and the rest of me operates on automatic because I can't cope, I just can't . . .ok, here I go again, tearing up . . . damnit . . .) I just had to get him to stop. I also pictured him working up some paperwork JIC (just in case I should ever decide to sue him for malpractice or something, you could tell he was thinkin it, he was certainly attacking me!!! geez.)
Anyway, I then gave him a compliment of some sort, I can't remember what it was, but all of a sudden he went from this . . . picture a hairy bear of a monster, teeth and claws and impossibly wide tall open devouring mouth like a cavern open to devour and then transformed into a pleasant human being, southern gentleman charm, slight accent and all, like a switch had been flipped; the geniality, the friendliness and cordiality, . . . . . this, too, was jarring and creepy in it's own way, as to how suddenly it was there, although it was soothing as well and I think I kinda unretreated from the back of my head a bit (not sure that's the best description, but then again since I wasn't all there (um, that could probably lead to some jokes, lol) I'm not exactly sure how to describe it anyway.
Part of me understands, that since lawyers are trained in legal stuff, they naturally think defensively, but STILL. I wouldn't sue a fly! Geez. I don't hate the guy, and I think in large part it's the system that has built some incentive into for the disability laywers to have some incentive to act, perhaps unconsciously or not-so unconsciouly depending on the integrity of the lawyer (this one seems to have more than others I've seen advertised, at any rate) in their own interests to some degree - they do NOT get paid unless they win a monetary award of some kind, which, I think, may lead to some compromises that may not always be in the best interests of the client.
Whether or not the compromise in this case was in my best interests . . . . I don't know. I am not sure further appeals would have done any good, although I do know that both the judge and the expert flat-out IGNORED evidence from my family doctor that was BEFORE the dates that ended eligibility for full social security disability . . . . .
Anyway, it's in the past.
Hakuna Matata? That can be a good or a bad phrase, depending on how it's used, when, how, and why, I suppose. In the movie, not so good.
At least my behind, is in my past. Reverse that (channelling my inner Willy Wonka, and the word-mess-ups in this paragraph were all a-purpose, cause I needed some humor!)
Well, I guess this post also had some broader commentary on the Social Security disability application, hearing, adjudication, SSI, payment, and back-pay processes, as well as some more personal discussion of some of my experiences, which I've been meaning to discuss, anyway.
It also occurred to me, as I was typing, that I know it's probably wise to never say never in regards to reserving one's rights to further appeal in legal matters (or perhaps in regards to suing perhaps for the fact that I don't believe I was competent to be forced into making such an on-the-spot decision in such a pressured situation, which is exactly one of the things that sets off some of the mental health problems and disabilities of which they had just been browsing through in all their folders, ugh!!!) that my posting about this stuff could perhaps come back to bite me in the, er, proverbial behind (which is the past, hee hee), should I ever decide to pursue further appeals on the disability front . . . . but the process was so horrific, I can't foresee that.
It still might be unwise of me to post this, and I still feel that I was pressured, but I'm posting anyway.
What I'd like to happen the most out of this is that my experience be of some kind of help to others, whether in just reading about my struggles or in seeing a glimpse of the process, perhaps. I believe that this is far more likely to happen than a suit on the issue of competence or on the right to appeal.
As I say in the sidebar under Noodleheads regarding my friend Stephen of the blog Ethesis, he really does brighten up that whole Lawyer thing. There is hope in the legal world yet! They are not all people who can turn on you one second, and pull a bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers out of their sleeves the next.
The oddness of the call DID remind me of the inhuman jokes regarding lawyers that I'm assuming most people have heard, though. I guess lawyers need to perform in court, and being able to act, being able to turn different aspects of ones' self on and off, would probably be a handy trait to have, but geez, it was unnerving to be on the receiving end of, and I'm still MORE than unsettled by it!
The lawyer is sending me a copy of the paperwork that they say I have, that they say has the breakdown of the back-pay lump sums into year-by-year amounts, but they are sending me the paper anyway.
Yahoo!!!! I did what I've been putting off, and now it is done!
I phoned the knee doc and made an appointment, which is something I've been putting off as well.
Sorry to go on so long. Whew. I'm a bit emotionally wasted, perhaps I'll seek some online gaming out for relaxation . . . . . I'm PROUD AS HELL (sorry moms again . . .) that I came through that lawyer's barrage, even though I apparently checked out, during part of it. Gah, here come the tears! Ok, enough. Talk to you later, and yeah Stephen, I know you guys and gals in your profession aren't all like that.
Would you mind writing a guest post for me sometime? I'd be honored if you would! Your level of writing is just . . . . well, it's quite something, my friend.
*Note: I am not a lawyer, doctor, mental health practitioner or expert in any of those or any field referenced above or anything. Just a person with some troubles, blogging away.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Inspired By Another Blog, Today - "Be Present, Be Here" Blog
Here is a brief partial quote from towards the end of the most recent post of this blog, to give you a taste of what inspired me, of what touched me, and of what runs completely to the heart of me and parts of what my experience in life are, at this time, at this place, at this being-ness, at this state . . . .
Please go HERE for the post & blog I am referring to. Again, the blog is entitled, Be Present, Be Here.
the push and pull of life can be exhausting and push me to places and thoughts and fears that i do not want to live inside let alone pass through. yet, i keep going. i begin to . . . . .
Please go HERE for the post & blog I am referring to. Again, the blog is entitled, Be Present, Be Here.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Perhaps Another Part of Luke's Training?
I betcha there were bits that didn't make the final cut of the movie . . . . . ha ha ha ha ha . . . .
Or maybe he was trying to train Luke to "B Good.".
Anyway, this brought me a smile today, and I thought I'd share the smile, since this Flickr photo is one that it's owner has allowed the "Blog this photo" option on.
Now I've got an urge to "phone home". Do you?
Or maybe he was trying to train Luke to "B Good.".
Anyway, this brought me a smile today, and I thought I'd share the smile, since this Flickr photo is one that it's owner has allowed the "Blog this photo" option on.
Now I've got an urge to "phone home". Do you?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Square Meal, & a Not So "Square" Grandfather
I live in a desert, a watermelon could sure qualify as a meal around here, sometimes!
They do have the regular round/oval variety in Japan, but they grow them square for a higher price/ease of shipping/ease of storage/convenience for the consumer, should they want to pay the price.
Sure looks funny, though! I want to know if they grow the yellow innards watermelon square, too? Tastes just like the red, but your eyes keep telling you that you should be tasting something different.
I just thought I should post something, since it's been a stretch.
There's been a couple deaths in the family; my maternal grandfather, and one week later, an uncle of my dad's. Then, a few days ago, word came that my MIL's dad was being life-flighted to the hospital and it didn't look good. He's still here, and doing ok (as far as I know so far), but February was a tough time with the two blows for my parents, and I feel so much for them. I feel for my husband and his family as well.
My mom's dad's passing has brought up a lot of complicated emotions in me. I keep telling myself it was HIM choosing to not be like a grandfather to me; there was nothing wrong with me. Of course, when he goes to my siblings' weddings (the ones that got married) and not mine, it makes me wonder what the hell is so wrong with me . . . . anyway, HE chose to not act as my grandfather. HE chose this. It was about HIM and HIS flaws, not about me. A man can be a coward, despite having served in the Navy during WWII in the Pacific, and in Japan during the Korean War (gee, I bet that last one was dangerous).
My mom is ok with all this talk; I wouldn't disrespect her in her grief; she told me it was ok to type out whatever I wanted here. I may have more, but it's taken me awhile just to get this little bit out.
Not that square watermelons have anything to do with it, but I guess Japan does, kinda . . . ..
They do have the regular round/oval variety in Japan, but they grow them square for a higher price/ease of shipping/ease of storage/convenience for the consumer, should they want to pay the price.
Sure looks funny, though! I want to know if they grow the yellow innards watermelon square, too? Tastes just like the red, but your eyes keep telling you that you should be tasting something different.
I just thought I should post something, since it's been a stretch.
There's been a couple deaths in the family; my maternal grandfather, and one week later, an uncle of my dad's. Then, a few days ago, word came that my MIL's dad was being life-flighted to the hospital and it didn't look good. He's still here, and doing ok (as far as I know so far), but February was a tough time with the two blows for my parents, and I feel so much for them. I feel for my husband and his family as well.
My mom's dad's passing has brought up a lot of complicated emotions in me. I keep telling myself it was HIM choosing to not be like a grandfather to me; there was nothing wrong with me. Of course, when he goes to my siblings' weddings (the ones that got married) and not mine, it makes me wonder what the hell is so wrong with me . . . . anyway, HE chose to not act as my grandfather. HE chose this. It was about HIM and HIS flaws, not about me. A man can be a coward, despite having served in the Navy during WWII in the Pacific, and in Japan during the Korean War (gee, I bet that last one was dangerous).
My mom is ok with all this talk; I wouldn't disrespect her in her grief; she told me it was ok to type out whatever I wanted here. I may have more, but it's taken me awhile just to get this little bit out.
Not that square watermelons have anything to do with it, but I guess Japan does, kinda . . . ..
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
It's A-Maze-ing To Me
In a discussion elsewhere, as I was responding to a friend, part of what I said is the following:
I thought that a REALLY good explanation of what alot of my struggle is. It uses up ALOT of me, of my energy - even physical, not just mental - as this is very basic to how I interface with the world, kind of like how someone with autism has their own basic things that are on a fundamental level of interfacing with the world.
Different struggles, but in one angle of thinking about it, I thought, HEY, this goes to show to what depth and degree of interference and struggle I'm even starting from, when it comes to doing anything. I thought it a good, though brief, explanation and illustration of the problem, although perhaps it might not make sense to some, or perhaps many.
It's one of the layers of interference that takes effort to push through, to run through that maze in my mind, in my words, in and with my relationships, in and with my feelings and thoughts about those relationships, or about anything; also about, regarding, and involving my actions - actively taking alot of energy to sort, filter, run the maze, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. in thought, word, feeling, and deed.
The title of this post is a play on some of the lyrics in the song, "When You Say Nothing At All", which is kind of funny, because all this effort and energy is being expended even when, and sometimes ESPECIALLY when, I'm saying nothing at all . . . .
I just have a maze of fears I have to navigate in my mind, in order to try to function, and sometimes that comes out in the maze of words and maze of verbal construction that I term/put things in, in order to be able to say it at all.
I thought that a REALLY good explanation of what alot of my struggle is. It uses up ALOT of me, of my energy - even physical, not just mental - as this is very basic to how I interface with the world, kind of like how someone with autism has their own basic things that are on a fundamental level of interfacing with the world.
Different struggles, but in one angle of thinking about it, I thought, HEY, this goes to show to what depth and degree of interference and struggle I'm even starting from, when it comes to doing anything. I thought it a good, though brief, explanation and illustration of the problem, although perhaps it might not make sense to some, or perhaps many.
It's one of the layers of interference that takes effort to push through, to run through that maze in my mind, in my words, in and with my relationships, in and with my feelings and thoughts about those relationships, or about anything; also about, regarding, and involving my actions - actively taking alot of energy to sort, filter, run the maze, etc. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc. in thought, word, feeling, and deed.
The title of this post is a play on some of the lyrics in the song, "When You Say Nothing At All", which is kind of funny, because all this effort and energy is being expended even when, and sometimes ESPECIALLY when, I'm saying nothing at all . . . .
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