Therapeutic Relationship Issues This Week

Actor Crush of the Day: Sawyer, on Lost

Well, so I was freaking out yesterday, well, Tuesday and all night and into Wednesday (so it all merged into one VERY long day for me) about an interaction at the beginning of therapy on Tuesday, and one at the end. It pretty much made it as though nothing was said inbetween, because I was so stunned by his cavalier treatment of me and what I was saying.

Now, I do not expect him to be perfect; he is human. So I understand this. Still, it was jarring to say the least to get such a . . . . what the hell kind of a wierdo would say something like THAT - reaction from him. Something between an unpleasant chuckle and a derisive snort, as well as a . . . . that was such a socially unacceptable thing to say, look on his face, accompanying his reaction to the first problematic interaction.

So that's when I took a dig at him. I was rather put off by the whole thing, and very hurt. Then again, perhaps I kinda caught him before he had his "psychologist" mantle completely in place, and he reacted more like a person in a social conversation, than a mental health professional. Than MY mental health professional. It's scary, though, to see and feel emotion coming from him, which is probably why he seems to keep it so much in check as part of the psychologist thing; part of the therapeutic relationship.

That's not to say he doesn't show emotion as part of our interactions, but I think, at least when he's conscious of it, he uses it carefully and in ways and in response to things that helps me to feel encouraged, supported, that I'm talking to a PERSON and not just a cold professional face, that helps me feel that, odd and unique though the therapeutic relationship is, that it is a valid and real thing (well, not a "real world" thing, ie, he's not a part of my social/family/community life), that it is a way of interpersonally connecting, of creating, sustaining, and reinforcing that mutual human bond of essentially emotional beings.

Hmm. Interesting stuff, it's helpful to kinda write things out like this; it helps me coalesce my thoughts and feelings on things. I do tend to have HUGE problems with feeling connected with people, emotionally. With feeling that there is sincere and real depth and emotion and a humanness to any particular relationship. Perhaps the preceding paragraph was my attempt to break THROUGH this problem at the moment, so I would feel more connected with the the innumerable kindnesses he has shown me, so that I could feel some kind of reassurance inside that I don't have to be terrified of next week's appointment. To reinforce that we really do have a working relationship, an intimacy that is real and necessary for my therapy and well-being.

I am worried now that my family, my mom especially, will think that I just said something inappropriate with that word, intimacy . . . . Intimacy is much more than that between a husband and wife, or that between close friends. When you open up so much of yourself to someone, and they also do everything they can to build and foster and nurture a trust and a companiable, amiable partnership within the bounds of therapy, when they encourage and support when appropriate, and confront you with the facts that might be scary, but they do so in a way that is confident of your efficacy to endure and explore . . . . there is a REAL intimacy there.

Dangit, I just did it again. I think the above paragraph may be, yet ANOTHER attempt on my part, to tell myself it's okay; that there is something REAL there and not just a fake, forced, it's his JOB and he's PAID to talk and listen to me, kind of thing. That he is genuinely glad to see me when I arrive for my appointments, and that he really does like listening to me and helping me and stuff; that I'm not this annoying person I believe myself to the depths of my soul to be; not just annoying, but unacceptably, horrifically, inappropriate, to a degree that is annoying and irritating to the very world around me, as well as all its inhabitants.

I guess I tend to, well I KNOW I do, this all-or-nothing thing. That is one of my HUGEST things, out of all the distortions Dr. Burns lists in Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, or whatever that's called. I SO do this ALL the time; wait, there I go again, with another one . . . . hee hee hee! That's actually kind of funny . . . okay, so it's a TENDENCY of mine, and not a constant. There; that works better. And so, a few problematic interactions, at least for my part, in a therapy session, does not mean the end of the world (relationship).

And there I go again, feeling GUILTY about using the word RELATIONSHIP, to describe my ongoing interactions with my ologist. Guess there's some fodder for next time . . . .

I feel better already; this writing thing works (I need to do more of it, especially in my diary software; I get far too impatient with how slow handwriting is; as well, I need to do some THERE and not just here, but if all I do is the blog at least that's something . . .)

DAGNABBIT! There I go, explaining and justifying again . . . .

Well, if you're still here, thanks for reading through my post today.