That's a good description of me.
There's two different broad categories I'd say that I'm of two minds in: feelings (often conflicted, I feel often understandably), and opinions, thoughts, what I THINK.
People seem to be much more willing to understand and possibly accept that one could be of two minds emotionally about something, than they are of being of two minds about your own opinions, thoughts about anything and everything and everybody and anybody, and what you THINK that doesn't fit into those.
In fact, I daresay it has been my experience (but then I think WAIT, I suspect that people would not understand at all, and even think I'm indecisive and/or wishy-washy at the LEAST, but more likely a liar, strange/wierd/crazy, and all sorts of horrible things), or rather, I IMAGINE that it would be my experience, that letting it show that I think and BELIEVE two completely opposite things, two diametrically opposed thoughts/ideas/perceptions, two conflicting things that might not be complete opposites, but conflict greatly . . . that letting this show would end up with me being perceived as Bad. Capital B. That there would be a Bad reaction, Bad Judgements, Badness of Self perceived by the Other, that I would be accused of lying/being a liar on one or both positions/thoughts/beliefs that I conveyed/espoused/related . . . . .
Really, I suppose maybe I do some of those Bad things, Reactions, Judgements, to Myself . . . .
I suppose I could chalk some of it up to indecisiveness, because sometimes, when attempting to make a choice, I am paralyzed, mentally, from making logical or rational or any kind of thought that would make any kind of progress forward on the matter. Including on very trivial matters.
I do not think, though, I REALLY do not think, that all or even MOST of this problem could/can be attributed to that, though. I really do believe conflicting things at the same time, and this tears me apart.
Imagine if you will that I am one of those little people powered via a seesaw-action-like two-person handle railroad car thingies. That I AM this car. Each track is one of the two, pun intended, polar opposites that I am engaged with. I start to push and roll forward, but unbeknownst to me, the tracks diverge at about a half a degree each per yard or so. So for the first minute or two, things are okay, but then slowly . . . . a strain develops, and yet I push on, with more effort, as the friction increases. I keep going.
My purpose and destination and progress are not necessarily involved with the issues that the tracks represent, but they often can be and are, as well. When you are operating from a base of a point of view that rests on such conflicts, it causes problems.
I work harder and harder to keep going, and, if you will, imagine that the wheels of this train car are my legs and feet. I keep rolling along the track, but my feet are being pulled in slowly diverging directions; the effort required to continue acting in my world, and upon it, is being stressed and strained by the most often but not always subconscious process going on with the diverging train tracks. So, I start to slowly do the splits (ouch!). Stretching farther and farther to stay "afloat" (nothing like mixing metaphors! Why not, this is my analogy), eventually I reach a point of collapse, and I do. There are no longer enough resources to cope with what is expected of me, or (actually, any expectations placed on me at all tend to cause alot of distress, what kind of person does that make me? Ugh!) with what I am experiencing, or just with living and functioning in much of a manner at all.
Confused, yet? Perhaps I can elaborate on some of this in coming weeks, months. For the moment, I am kind of fatigued by this relation, and the focus (well, it wasn't extremely focused, but wasn't extremely "off-track" either (pun intended, hee hee!) is diverging from what I intend (as it frequently does). The focus also . . . mentally hurts. It gets to a point of mentally strain and then hurting, even, after awhile, often after a short while.
1 comment:
Sara, I feel like I know you pretty well. And I do not believe there is a thought you could have whether it is in passing or longer and fleshed out that would make me like you any less. Try not to identify so much with your thoughts so much that seem to be on opposite poles. Identify more with your desires to be a good person and to make a difference. You wrestle with a lot on a daily basis. And I am amazed at your meaninful comments here. I really like you and see you for the wonderful person that you are. I think what you are going through may be important in you reaching a healthy identity. Or maybe it is important for your gifts as a writer. Maybe it is important for you to feel empathy or compassion for others. I am not sure why you feel so torn. I have been told that I have a pretty strong sense of myself. There were times when I was sore ashamed of myself. I am glad that I am in a better place now. I have my moments when I am raw, but much of the time I am happy. Maybe all of this makes you hide yourself from those who would be so blessed to get to know you. You can tell if someone is a trustworthy person usually if they do not gossip and also if they try to help others with no strings attatched. Is there someone you know locally that is such a person and also on the same wave-length intellectually as you. I say that because I think you are very intelligent and it is important to have friends that stimulate you mentally. That is not to say that you should not try to befriend other people who may be a little slow. But it is important to have a close friend on your level. I do consider you a good friend and love my assoication with you. I also want you to have close friends in person who you can connect with. I think the more connected we feel, the happier we feel. And my internet conncections do add to this as do my local friends.
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