No Mirrors, Please

Actor Crush of the Day: John Schneider

I generally don't look in mirrors much, which doesn't cause much of a hardship as I don't use (don't really know how) makeup.

I glance quickly a time or two as I'm doing my hair, and on the very rare day I actually think there might be a hint of someone possibly pretty under the very rarest concurring events, I do gaze into the mirror, a little.

Vanity, thy name is Sara.

Still, looking into my own eyes, the few times I do it, I think I may almost have to do some kind of a disconnect (well, I'm rather disconnected anyway) to be able to do so.

Some part of me feels in some distant way, in some distant manner, that that could possibly be a slightly sad thing. But hey, what's done is done, this is WHAT I am.

Seeing myself in the mirror, though, is rather disconcerting, very uncomfortable, and rather unpleasant for me. There is SO MUCH crap that has been heaped upon me in my life, that that's what I see. I guess that makes me $hit.

Well, damn I'm full of myself tonight. Self-pity is just another form of self-involvement. Doesn't change MY facts though. The facts that have developed from a lifetime of emotional beatings (my husband does not abuse me in any way, just had to make that clear.) Not that he's perfect; we get pissed off at each other on a regular basis. Well, actually, if it were more often we'd be better off; our marriage is kinda like Old Faceful with constipation, and when the blockage clears, all hell breaks loose.

I apologize for any horrid images running through your mind just now, but when Old Faceful gets clogged up, it's with dirt and minerals, so get your 'ole minds outta the toilet!

I 'spose I'm working on changing "MY facts" but . . . . hell if it ain't slower 'n molasses on a cold day in December. What the hell, it's kinda NICE having someone's attention focused on ME for a change, even if they have to be PAID to do it (that brings up a whole plethora of pathetic issues, issues with patheticness, but I've done far too much of THAT these last few days). Doesn't mean I don't feel that way, but I think you've got some of the idea after these last two posts.

Speaking of Mr. Paid to Listen to Me, I'll be seeing him in 9 hours. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I spoke to him on the phone last Wednesday, late afternoon. I am sure he'll be all kind and stuff, which is one of the things I LOVE about him. But there are times that he unknowingly causes hurt, and ALOT of it sometimes, like last week. But he didn't know all that stuff about what was going on inside me about the simple question I asked at the end of the session, to which his answer just stunned and horrified me (and it was not just a simple yes or no answer). He had no idea all the issues related to it, and feelings and crud. I hadn't really been aware of all that either, until I was horrified the whole next 24 hours and identified some of it.

Anyhoo, I'll prolly be bringing a post or two from this week, to therapy (the one or two that are about things we haven't discussed recently, or at all, but we've pretty much discussed almost all of what I've posted this week, in the past.