Stupid hosers. Not only did I decide a year ago that their crisis/suicide line was pointless, ie, that I would not and could not call it anymore in case of a crisis/suicide situation on my part, after several calls over the course of two months, but this whole records situation . . . . talk about a bunch of franticness today!
The reason I waited 6-8 weeks after submitting the request in August is because it was going to take some time for them to get em to me.
AND, SSA has REQUESTED THEM DIRECTLY, and DBH has not released them. The lady there, Maggie, told me that they don't not release to SSA, but I said HEY, we've got a letter from them, listing the exhibits, that says they requested them from you and didn't get any, that we are faxing to you, Maggie at DBH, today.
My husband is going to be late for work, because he faxed, 10 mins ago now, the release form that they should have gotten with all previous requests for records. Frantic searching through all sorts of boxes and papers to FIND that. I made sure it'll work for today's date.
See, the paralegal called an hour ago, and said that my lawer really thinks we need those records; it's critical to proving the time frame of the problem, that things were happening then. My last date of work is January 1997; these records are from January to April of 1996 . . . My suicide attempt falls within that, although SSA already has the hospital records from that suicide attempt. My work was very spotty that year, as I could not retain a job. No matter how hard I tried, and I couldn't even try sometimes, many months in a row, because I kept failing and it made me want to kill myself.
When you throw EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT at trying to hold a job, and you keep failing . . . . . it leaves a person in that state with nothing but the desperate option.
Anyway, so sporadic, short term work over that year, and the one I had from Dec 96 to first week of Jan 97 was the last one I had. Before that, I had an October to November job, and before that no job for awhile; before that, in the early spring, I had another temp job of two months (that should have gone longer but I quit going, again, because I couldn't force myself anymore) . . . .
See? Again, what kind of person can't hold a job . . . .
CRAP!! This whole damn hearing business is bringing me back to a scary, scary, SCARY place.
Joy of joys, my ologist has a seminar next Tuesday, so my next appt. with him actually isn't until Friday the 27th.
I'm going to need you guys, and I'm going to be venting alot. HUGE amount of stress and crap, and going back into all this stuff, dredging it up; yes, the application process dredged it up, but it's been a year and a half since the last papers were filed; I've been able to bury it again. I've buried it since the suicide attempt, because to go back there is to go to a really bad place.
THIS is horrid. Yeah, I know there's much else going on in the world, but for now this is what my world has become because I don't know how I'm going to get through it; I really don't.
I really don't want to go there; I have to, though. Guess what? Three hour lawyer appointment tomorrow . . . I might be a mess afterwards.
We'll see. Begging for money from the government. On the other hand, it's disability insurance that I paid into. On the other hand, the bad stuff inside is wanting to drag me down and say it's begging for money . . . .
Where is my hope for treatment, if this fails?
Of course, I had a prayer last night, about the issue of DBH records. And then I get this call today. So SOMEHOW, it's going to work out; the Lord knows I need those records.
They will only FAX them to the ALR (the particular one who is the judge in my case) if the file is 10-15 pages, otherwise it's mail it. That's next Tuesday. I said hey, express mail. And begged, in the voice mail, and cried, and said this is my only hope for that my husband doesn't have to be my caretaker the rest of my life. That's not fair to him. Earlier today I asked if I could drive up there and PAY anyone to FAX them, even extra pages. Nope, they said. I said, all we need is clinic notes, not the stuff she writes during counseling about what I say. They said, that's the whole file, we're sending it with that and stuff.
DANG IT. If they'd just send only what we need, it could be faxed FOR SURE.
I know I'm swearing alot here, but this word applies: DumbAsses.
I got a real sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I heard how much the lawyer thinks we need these records; I feel sick now, still. I asked if we had a chance without them, and she said, "a chance . . ." but that we really need these to prove the time frame and stuff.
Basically, it's probably a snowball's chance in heck. We do have stuff about the depression from that time frame in my family doc's records . . . though. And the suicide thing. But I guess a mental health person kinda is like gold.
I'd have to say THESE mental health people are more like lead. Where's a philosopher's stone when you need one? These mental health people are making me need professional help . . . .
If I didn't already, which I did and do, but you know what I mean!
I am SICK inside; just SICK. I do have faith in the Lord, though. I do. I just don't know what more parts of this DBH mess I'm going to have to cajole, grovel, beg, search, whatever . . . . I will do whatever is required, as I know that's my part of things, what the Lord wants me to do. Course, I don't know what more I CAN do, and it may be that it is now completely in the Lord's hands . . . .
I am trying to get rid of the sick feeling by prayer and faith, but I know things are kind of up in the air, and I can't help worrying about how it's going to turn out, especially since I don't know if there will be or is more action on my part, in this. And the criticalness of these records, which I've been trying not to think about, has been brought fully to my attention and is making me sick.
Maybe I'll call my home teachers tonight for a blessing. Cause . . . I don't want to spend the weekend sobbing all day every day. I've asked/begged for Maggie at DBH to call me Tuesday after all this stuff has happened, because I need to know when it's done, and what's been done. I'm not sure she's going to, though.
Anyway.
3 comments:
I'm going to call there in the a.m, to make sure they've rec'd the fax from the lawyer, and the faxed release my hubby faxed earlier today.
Then I'll talk to her about Tuesday again, and possibility of express mail. If she hems and haws again, I'm going to see if I can talk to the head honcho there.
Also going to go to DBH in Bountiful, in case they got the record copies that I requested there in August, but Maggie said no request ever came over her desk for that. But on the off chance, since it sounded, from what Maggie said, that the records might have been at the Bountiful office, but then she said we decided they were in storage (they are 10 years old) we'll check in Bountiful to make sure. I HATE going in somewhere to ask about something when it's up in limbo. It makes me sick inside to contemplate. But not lining up all my ducks in a row, might make me sicker.
I read this first, but from the other titles, I think there is some good news in the more recent post. I am sorry all of this took you back to bad place. I would hate to go back to the days when I was most raw. Yesterday I had an episode that was upsetting and I said that I am so sick of ocd that I just don't want to put the energy into it anymore. I just want to live and let whatever happens happens. I want to go places that I have not gone for years. I want to go through the day without obsessing because I just don't care anymore. My actions since then have been more of a continuation of my ocd so I do not know if it made any impact. But I hope that I can just go about life and not feel guilty doing it. I saw an interview with a girl with aneoria who said that she wishes she could just eat like a normal person and I think like she was before. If I am not mixing stories, this was a fairly young girl in more the mid-grade school years and they helped her overcome her eating disorder by working with horses as she had a passion for them. I can relate a lot to just going through life without out all of this. All the things that never crossed my mind before. All the years that I did not know how good I had it. I do not take for granted that I function on a much higher level than I once did. I vastly limit where I go though. I don't mind missing out on stuff so much as I mind not living up to what may be my potential. Well, I am going to read your additional posts. You have a lot of friends to listen to you as your 'ologist is away until the 27th.
Try NAMI 9www.namiut.org) for advocacy help, or contact the ethics review board through the Department of Licensing (www.dopl.ut.gov) to file an ethics complaint. They should not be able to deny you access to YOUR records.
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