Doesn't THAT just take the pumpkin pie?
I figured a pumpkin pie would be more appropo than cake . . .
Gosh darn it now I want pumpkin pie! I might have to settle for some scrumptious Pumpkin Streusel Muffins I've been meaning to make . . . .
Holy Smokes! I am terrified out of my wits! I guess that means I'm witless. Or something.
How funny is it that it's on Halloween? Good thing hubby has that day off . . .
AAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I AM SO FREAKIN' SCARED! Let's see, what'm I feeling right now?
Terror, fear, excitement (I hope that doesn't come across wrong, but the HOPE that we could be not dead poor anymore, plus pay for treatment, save money, pay off debts, and, in the next year or two, buy a place of our own to live . . . how could that not be exciting?), nervousness, reticence, a sense of impending danger and doom, I want to tell everybody, I want and NEED someone to talk to . . .
Three years of a horrible, tearing-down of self, and barriers inside that I had put up to keep me from seeing my problems functioning, to keep me from admitting, to keep me from seeing the horror and embarrasment and awfulness of incapacity that has accompanied these illnesses . . . . this process has been HORRID! Therapy has been a help there, for the past year, a bit longer than a year . . .
I would not wish this process on anyone, except of course that they need the positive end result, but the process itself SUCKS. And, has almost KILLED me several times. May 2005, when I received yet another rejection letter . . . that weekend is the closest I've ever come since my suicide attempt in 1996.
Enough about THAT morbidity, though. Maybe not. See, May 2005, when I got that letter, I felt as though all light and Hope had been extinguished; that any chance of ever being better, getting better, getting to a place that was more manageable . . . that all Hope had been snuffed, erased, guttered out. When one has no Hope . . . . thankfully, I learned there was further reason for hope in this process . . . the problem is, should the result this time be negative (90% of the people at this point in the process are approved, I keep telling myself to stave off that fear, although cautious to not count eggs before they are hatched; to not count on it, either) I am worried that I could and would CRASH dangerously.
So I'm scared to go see the lawyer, and do all the prep and practice for being in front of the judge and vocational and psychologist experts . . . and I'm TERRIFIED BEYOND MEASURE of the hearing . . .
HOLY CRAP! This is really happening. It's been some far off thing I didn't have to think about until now . . .
I'm Frightened!!!
I do know I need to go to the Social Security building and watch the video they have that shows and talks about the hearing process or something.
I'm going to need all the love, kindness, understanding, patience, friendship, and support I can get. I am proud of myself for getting this far, but I'm feeling very weak in the knees, both physically and emotionally. Mentally too . . . but then it's only been half an hour since I found out, and I'm still just starting to react.
Yeah, it's not a big deal to the rest of the world, but . . . this is a huge thing, in mine right now. I may have wider more extreme mood swings than usual (not planning on it, though), I may be more irritable and edgy, I may be alot less focused and more scattered than usual (if that's possible, lol), I may repeat myself ALOT and seem rather selfish, and far too self-focused (I do understand about serving others, and I am concentrating on little things I can do for my husband and daughter from time to time; that, too, counts and is about as far as I can go right now, and it is service, even though it's family!) I must take care of myself right now because this is all very intense, and if I don't I could easily end up in a scary place.
So please, please be understanding. I hate to be, and/or seem selfish, but . . . there is aLOT wrapped up in this, aside from the years that have been put into it.
I'll obviously have more to post, but this is enough for right now, I think . . .
Off to meet w/my new bishop later, he seemed nice on the phone . ..
1 comment:
Sara, you are someone who appreciates the smallest acts of kindness. And I know you believe in service. Your willingness to send me a necklace and also sharing your gift with other friends, is a way to serve. I am glad you have so much courage to post your blog. You give voice to those who may not have your way with words, but have been through the severe depression and mood swings.
I know someone who lost their business and home and later was able to get a new home when she qualified for disability. It is so great to be able to be more independent.
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