It seems this has been a week of me opening up my heart and soul to family.
THAT'S a new one for me . . . !
I have been rather emotionally closed off from them since childhood . . . I know I have alot of issues to work on, but I LOVE them.
In this harsh world, FAMILY should be a warm and caring word, a place of security. I can't say I'm emotionally secure most of the time around them, but then I'm not emotionally secure around most anyone (my marriage and daughter not being part of this discussion, lol).
I know time, and therapy and therapy/work and stuff, I'll learn to BE a sister, BE a daughter, BE the kind of person in those family "roles" that I believe I am, that I want to be.
Such as the fact that I believe with my whole heart that children should assist their parents as they, well, age (don't mean to make you feel old, mom! As I said the other day, if things get finer as they age, you two must be approaching magnificent . . .!). The kind of person I am, believes that you help them if and when they need help.
I know I don't have a whole lot of capacity right now, but it might surprise you how much capacity I do have, sometimes. I hope to eventually be more consistent, but I'm not, I'm NOT going to punish myself for not being, right now; I have to let that way that I think I SHOULD be, go for now because it's just one step at a time, and I'll hate myself if I keep failing . . .
I disagree with Yoda, when he said, "There is no try." I believe there is.
In this whole process of therapy, I see myself eventually BECOMING. What joy and possibility there is inherent in that word! It's also a process, a journey, and not a destination . . . although I do think there will be milestones of increased capacity and capability, I hope. At some point . . . (my fears are making me say "at some point", because at the moment I am so buried in an extreme level of stress, and stressful situations, and other stuff, that I've got to focus on the nearer work, and not punish myself for not being yet to a place that I wish I was.)
If you followed that, lemme know. Lol.
I do feel inside, the title of this post. It isn't put up or shut up, because that's too all-or-nothing, too black-and-white thinking for me; that kind of thinking gets me in trouble . . . but it IS a matter of acting on my beliefs and feelings, when I can, instead of staying as isolated in them. It'll take some practice, and it was hard to hear that I wasn't just instantly believed when I said these things I feel and believe . . . BUT, I did take it in, and I did think and feel . . .
Fair enough.
3 comments:
Family can be closed, can be open, harsh, uplifting, and everything inbetween. Sounds to me like you are finding the gray in life.
Thank you! The Twilight Zone is an interesting place to live . . . .
Bwa ha ha ha!
Okay, so I thought I'd throw a little Halloween humor in there.
Gray is good, especially for someone who thinks too much in black & white, which causes alot of problems.
This might sound strange to alot of people, but I know you know what I mean . . .
Thanks!
For those who may NOT know what I mean, it doesn't mean life is grey and blah, and it doesn't mean that I compromise my principles, values, morality, etc.
It's just a more flexible way of thinking, especially with interacting with others and the world, so that I don't feel constantly on the edge of crisis, trying to "fit" everything into either/or, all-or-nothing thinking modes. The world is alot more complex than that. Seeing more solutions, options, and ways to adapt, cope, and respond to people and the world is really brightening things up for me . . .
Except that it's all so complicated. People, and the world. And that feels overwhelming . . .
Just trying to focus on the now and near future, and not stress about EVERYTHING else . . .
Anyway. Long response to a short comment, but it was a nice turn of mind to take.
Your blog is a great way for you to express how much your family means to you.
As for myself and my family, I think my mom used to think I was only consumed with negative thoughts as she is the main person that I run my ocd concerns by to check out if things are okay. She used to tell me to think happy thoughts and I would tell her how I think lots of happy thoughts along with compulsive thoughts. Then, I started writing poetry and she loves my work. Also, I have let her read an essay here or there that I have written and she appreciates when I put my thoughts into words.
Post a Comment